Recently broke up from BPD partner 2nd or 3rd time

[CredoMutwa]

Hello everybody and happy new year.

I have recently realized and am dumbfounded that I am and have been attracting BPD partners for long term relationships. One relationship of 17 years, another of 4 years and lastly almost two years.  The wildest thing is that the life story of the last two were almost identical and the things I witnessed and heard were verbatim.  In one discussion I told the last person, it seems only the face and physical features have changed.  And I find this somewhat amusing.  What's more is during the last relationship, I often wondered more times than not, what am I doing to cause this and is this my ugly baggage rearing its head?  Is it one of my demons from the past?  Actually her words and I had to wonder am I projecting this issues on to her?  Her and I split up two weeks ago and in doing so I had told her exactly what I thought and I was not very kind.  Given the last two relationships, I have been given or acquired a thorough education on Passive Aggressive Behavior but, the last one was better at it or worse than the previous which I truly did not understand.  So I guess I'm looking to do what it takes to heal and avoid this sort of relationship in the future.  One of my Uncles is a shrink and he made mention of BPD but, I really didn't pay attention.  On that note, in the beginning of my last relationship I saw a warning sign, it actually caused me some anxiety which is rare but, I ignored the sign and felt it was my baggage or insecurities rising up. Any advice would be truly appreciated because, I am almost terrified of this occurring again and I do not like going through all the heartache.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[ColdEthyl]

Hello Credo, and sorry you are going through this

I cannot speak for you, but for me I realized that I have a co-dependent personality, so I'm working on that. My first husband was not BPD, but he was thoughtless, lazy, and a horrible father. He had psych eval at one point, and they pinned him as someone who has a hard time connecting with others, and he was in danger of being an absent father... .which he was.

I married at 18 with my first husband, and I really had this stupid "I can make this work" thought, as if I could change someone. This time, I knew what I was getting into, but I didn't realize things about ME I needed to work on.

[CredoMutwa]

Hi ColdEthyl,

Thank you for you reply.  I have been doing a great deal of reading since and around Christmas. I appreciate what you have told me and I am sorry for your loss too.  On that note, I did come across some material that pointed why I was possibly attracting these women but, I don't think there was never a term applied such as you mentioned being codependent.  However I will dig into this.  I have again spoken with my Uncle the shrink and he suggested I should get into some counseling.  It appears to me and this may sound foolish at this time but, all I want is a happy healthy relationship.  I'm beginning to wonder if my ideas of a successful relationship are a little skewed. I thought it was alright and acceptable to give another love, show them you love them, except their love, be selfless not selfish, work together for the common good of the relationship, do what ever you can to make each others life better, respect and trust one another, support one another.  I read the following statements in a book that I whole heartedly agreed with and did what I could to introduce these into my relationship.  The statements were made by different people testifying as to what some of the reasons were for their relationships being successful.

1) We never stop trying to do something nice for each other

2) Throughout the day I always let him\her know I am thinking about them

3) We never shower alone, it is always together

This recent post may go deeper than that but, is what I'm thinking wrong?  And it makes me codependent or I have some deep seated issues?  For some reason I find this hilarious but, I know something's not right, just don't know what?  I've been living in a different world than everyone else.  My ideas of what I want, what I think is right and need in a relationship are delusional.  It seems a paradox!  and I end up with broken women that crucify me when it comes to trying to communicate.  And I have read all sorts of material and tried numerous different approaches to come across as non-aggressive, non-threatening, empathetic, loving, compassionate.  I just clued in that these women merely don't understand due to their underlying issues or disorder.

[Cat Familiar]

Credo, I can totally relate to your situation. And I think I'm understanding how I managed to be married to two men with BPD. The first one was a nasty piece of work and the second one is usually really nice, but depressed frequently.

What helped me get an overview was a book recommended by someone on this site: Intimate Partners: Patterns in Love and Marriage by Maggie Scarf. It was written quite a while ago, but has been very relevant to my situation.

I was brought up by a mother with BPD and it seems that I'm reenacting lots of issues and thus, drawn to pwBPD as marriage partners. The easiest way to understand it is that when they painted me white, it felt like home. Of course, then the painting black rears its ugly head and I think What the heck have I done?

My best advice is to do lots of therapy and find yourself a nice healthy woman. You deserve it.

[CredoMutwa]

Thank you so much for the last reply.  Dredging all this up is actually causing a meltdown and some of what you have mentioned about your mother and some of what I have read points in my mother's direction but, I do not know if my mother is or was BPD.  My parents were married 36 years until my dad's passing 12 years ago and my mother never remarried or dated.  However, at the age of 5 onward I took a back seat to the arrival of my sister and my mother was rather abusive.  In fact, upon the death of my dad, my mom apologized as she was afraid she wouldn't see me again.   My mother figured anytime I went to over to visit, it was just to see my dad so I presume my mom was carrying some form of guilt for possibly 30 years, I don't know?  My dad and I were extremely close but, after moving out of the house at 18, I thought my relationship with my mom was fine.  I never forgot her on special occasions or otherwise.  I did as I thought a son should do, always hugged, talked a little, and kissed her when I left.  Still do.  If it matters I am now 50 as of August.  Something funny just occurred to me, the majority of women I have been involved with have always been a couple years older.  What's that?  I don't think its anything but, some kidded around about it.

Thanks again and I will go look for the book you mentioned tomorrow.  I've obviously been reading the wrong books.  The last one I read and was re-reading was Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson -  Seven conversations for a lifetime of love    This is a great book that delves into the understanding of how and why people communicate in the way they do.  I realize now that it would only apply to those whom are healthy emotionally.

[Cat Familiar]

I found a used copy of that book on Amazon--not sure if it's still in print.

My mother was not diagnosed as BPD, however I became a psych major and ultimately attended grad school, thinking that I would be a therapist. When I started doing therapy with a few clients, I realized that I was not cut out for that profession. I think the impetus for that field of study was to figure out my mother. She did not neatly fit into any diagnostic categories and at the time I was in school, BPD was considered a much more serious disorder--no shades of grey, unlike today.

So, she was not that extreme, but when I recently revisited the literature, it fit her to a tee. And also my ex-husband and my current husband.

Oh no, what have I done?

It shows the damage that pwBPD do to their children. If I had it to do over, no way would I even consider a path of study leading to a career as a therapist. Definitely not my cup of tea. However, in the process I ended up unravelling a lot of loose ends and I'm glad I am who I am at this point in my life.

It's definitely hard to be raised by an abusive parent, whether or not they're BPD.   

[CredoMutwa]

Wow! Cat, thanks so much.

I went and checked around the web about being co-dependent and all I come across is info about addictions.  I am not a substance abuser of any kind.  However I do smoke cigarettes.  My two BPD exes however were addicts.  The first was a closet alcoholic and I didn't discover this until two years when she was trying to hide a bottle.  They say love is blind.  In the last relationship, she would smoke a joint most everyday and really go hard when she was stressed out.  Do most or all pwBPD have some kind of addiction?  I assume the pw means? people with?

I remember reading in another book, can't recall the name but, it was written by a husband and wife shrink team.  One of the chapters they focused on was Emotional Affairs and the whole realm of them, from porn addiction to drug addiction, and confiding in a colleague \ friend of the opposite sex, all your relationship problems etc.  These were considered Emotional Affairs.  The one thing that stood out and I neglected was you cannot have a relationship with an addict because, it was really no different then a sexual affair.  And when I think about it I didn't like the drug use, I wanted to know and feel that she was entirely present without some mood enhancing substance.

I often thought a lot of people go into the psych field to figure out their own issues.  You can be proud of yourself Cat for achieving that goal, it's too bad that it wasn't your cup of tea.  You have also shed some light on the situation for me too?  I remember as a kid in grade 9 wanting to enter into the realm of Psychology as I was always the person my friends came to for advice but, I discovered girls and parties and went in another direction.

Thanks again Cat, I will go check out Amazon.

[CredoMutwa]

Could someone tell me something of a perception I had with the last two BPD women I was with please?

Both had issues with their fathers whom had passed away early on and the women still displayed upset and anger when talking about their fathers.

One woman was and alcoholic and the other smoked marijuana daily.

knowing what I know now they have or had issues with their mothers whom are now both set on pedestals.

Both BPD women were both sexually abused in one form or another in their teenage years.  Which left a definite impact still at the age of fifty and having  had therapy.

Each had several previous non-loving and abusive relationship's so I was told and knowing what I know now, I know why.  Because each women was also extremely passive aggressive.

The question is:  It appeared to me that they had a need to seek acceptance and or some form of approval from almost any man within arms reach or eye sight?  

Can anyone confirm having this experience with a BPD woman and is this related to their low self-esteem?  Are they looking for their next mark?

[HappyNihilist]

 

Welcome, CredoMutwa, and happy new year to you, as well.

I'm sorry you've had such tumultuous relationships. It's great that you're using this opportunity to examine yourself.

The wildest thing is that the life story of the last two were almost identical and the things I witnessed and heard were verbatim.  In one discussion I told the last person, it seems only the face and physical features have changed. 

What's more is during the last relationship, I often wondered more times than not, what am I doing to cause this and is this my ugly baggage rearing its head?  Is it one of my demons from the past? 

Our relationships are telling us important truths about ourselves; we just have to be open to hearing them.

Dredging all this up is actually causing a meltdown and some of what you have mentioned about your mother and some of what I have read points in my mother's direction but, I do not know if my mother is or was BPD.  My parents were married 36 years until my dad's passing 12 years ago and my mother never remarried or dated.  However, at the age of 5 onward I took a back seat to the arrival of my sister and my mother was rather abusive.

I think you're on the right track here. Those meltdowns are painful but necessary to reveal the truth about ourselves. We have to disintegrate before we can advance to higher levels of development. If it looks like a psychic wound and quacks like a psychic wound, then it definitely merits further investigation.

The way we interact in relationships is defined by our early-life attachment to our primary caregiver, typically the mother. We ensure our survival by determining what is valuable to her. If for whatever reason (abuse, abandonment, engulfment), we aren't encouraged by our caregiver to nurture and express our unique true selves as we grow up, we will come to rely on our "false self" that protects our vulnerable inner child and pleases our caregiver, therefore making us feel worthy, lovable, and special.

Unless we come to terms with our core trauma, we will become adults who choose partners with whom we can repeat these familiar patterns.

The good news is that, after a relationship with a person with (pw) BPD or NPD, we're in a better place to see exactly what our "false self" is. This is because a pwBPD/NPD borrows that false self and mirrors it at you, until finally discarding it (as they eventually do with all "borrowed" selves).

Now you're in a position to discover who you really are, and what "false self" has been keeping you from achieving your full potential as You. 

[CredoMutwa]

Thank you Happy  for your kind words and advice.  I recently read something along the lines of what you have mentioned.

The good news is that, after a relationship with a person with (pw) BPD or NPD, we're in a better place to see exactly what our "false self" is. This is because a pwBPD/NPD borrows that false self and mirrors it at you, until finally discarding it (as they eventually do with all "borrowed" selves).

At this point I am still trying to figure out on my own, how to break the cycle and discard the false self, myself?  I have full intentions of seeking therapy for this but, at this time of year most professional offices are closed.  And I would like to be informed as much as possible to help facilitate this process.   

I have spent hours upon hours reading and watching youtube videos.  Can anybody point me to a direct source of information related to this topic please?

[ColdEthyl]

Do most or all pwBPD have some kind of addiction?  I assume the pw means? people with?

pw does mean people with, and usually yes addictions go hand in hand with BPD, the addiction and variances of degree are different, naturally.

The question is:  It appeared to me that they had a need to seek acceptance and or some form of approval from almost any man within arms reach or eye sight? 

Can anyone confirm having this experience with a BPD woman and is this related to their low self-esteem?  Are they looking for their next mark?

pwBPD usually do suffer some sort of abuse, albeit psychical, sexual, etc. my dBPDh (diagnosed BPD husband) was also sexually abused. They don't have a sense of self... .of who they are. And they are constantly critiquing themselves in this fashion:

A typical BPD train of thought: pwBPD: "I like candy." Non: "I don't like candy." pwBPD thinks/hears: They do not like me because I like candy. There must be something wrong with me if they don't like candy and I do." *insert illogical rage from pwBPD* They can't be wrong or look 'bad', so they rage, they get mad, they have to push that blame on someone else. There must be something wrong with THEM if they don't like candy!

I think in some cases, there are pwBPD who are always looking to 'upgrade', though I'm not sure that's the right word. They are uncomfortable in their own skin, and they think someone new will help them. It does... .for a while. New love is very strong, and probably helps them forget for a while, until that new love feeling wears out. But, I don't think that's true for all of them.

All they really want is acceptance and love, but when they get it... .they don't believe it.

[CredoMutwa]

Thanks ColdEthyl,    You're answer was very insightful and to be honest, their actions were so blatant at times that I would call them on it.  I was not angry but, a little stunned, and found it some what funny when I approached them on it.  This behavior actually started about 2.5 years after being with the first one and a year and half with the second one, shortly after requesting a more substantial commitment.  Anyway, having approached them on their behavior it was thrown back at me as being jealous and insecure.  However the actions of my last girlfriend were so evident, even my friends took notice.

And like you're saying I am quite familiar with the chemical reactions \ hormones of a new relationship (Infatuation\Love).  I honestly have to think their also addicted to the love hormones and when they subside maybe that's when their done with borrowing the false self image.  They don't care about their actions, they're moody, capable of profound lies to cover covert behaviors, and when called on it they stonewall and cast their lover \ partner aside like an inanimate piece of garbage.  At least my sense of humor is still in tact because, I do find this funny.

[CredoMutwa]

Just as a little note my xBPD has been in therapy for about 3.0 months and the therapist diagnosed her as having PTSD.  She decided for herself to make an effort because, she realized at the first sense of adversity she became afraid, hostile, and would bugger of and ignore the whole situation.  She actually didn't make the effort until I got through to her and explained, her behavior was totally inappropriate and abusive to me.  And this was known as Passive Aggressive Behavior. Now that I think about it, after her first visit the therapist supposedly supported her actions saying "its alright to leave a situation if it invokes fear" But, then ignore the issue and stonewall.  The therapist needs a therapist.

[ColdEthyl]

Just as a little note my xBPD has been in therapy for about 3.0 months and the therapist diagnosed her as having PTSD.  She decided for herself to make an effort because, she realized at the first sense of adversity she became afraid, hostile, and would bugger of and ignore the whole situation.  She actually didn't make the effort until I got through to her and explained, her behavior was totally inappropriate and abusive to me.  And this was known as Passive Aggressive Behavior. Now that I think about it, after her first visit the therapist supposedly supported her actions saying "its alright to leave a situation if it invokes fear" But, then ignore the issue and stonewall.  The therapist needs a therapist.

I think sometimes therapists are not treating BPD correctly because they assume another diagnosis first. If she was PTSD, some behaviors are similar but the thinking pattern is different. So, what works for a PTSD won't always work for BPD.

My dBPD is the King of avoidance. He has not seen or talked to his family in almost 3 months now. There is no reason for it. No one did anything to him or hurt him. But what happens (he does this often) is his mom will call and he will fade her because he isn't up for talking at that time. Then, he starts to get upset at himself for ignoring her call... .and keeps ignoring more and more until he's dug himself into a hole.

To him that hole is 20 feet deep. To me and his family, it's one inch.

No one gives him a hard time for when he does this. His family is supportive of him, and never get upset or say a thing. But, he feels like he needs to explain himself, and that makes him drag it out further than it needs to go.

It's a really sad cycle to see. Luckily, when he does this his family has started talking to me to make sure he is alright. They are starting to accept his diagnosis and what it means. It's hard for them. They do not understand. BPD thinking is so foreign to nons.

[CredoMutwa]

I have read that BPD is often miss diagnosed as PTSD.  I'm sure the diagnosis was made given the initial consultation. My xBPD has an ugly history for a life story.  To top that off, she as been divorced just over a year (second marriage), 2 kids from previous marriage and two from 2nd marriage, and 2 grandchildren.  She has not seen her grandchildren or children since the last separation of 3 years and none of her children will talk to her.  It is a very sad situation, one that I truly don't understand.  She taught her children well.

[CredoMutwa]

FOR YOU AND YOU ONLY

To: You Know Whom You Are,

Please indulge me and read this, you don’t owe me a thing but, you do owe to yourself to read this.  In no way is this sent to upset you or hurt you.  This comes from a place of purity.

I am going to go with what feels comfortable, true and right here.  Why?  Because, I am speaking from within my heart of hearts if you will or from my soul and a place of honesty and sincerity.  This is not easy because my typing is extremely brutal.  If you could get an impaired from typing, then I’m guilty.  I have had 3 beers, it must be due to abstinence, as I haven’t had a drink since way before Christmas.

I am writing this because I think it is of the utmost importance.  What is of the utmost importance and re-read this time and time again if need be, because it is the truth and it is the truth from my heart and soul.  You need to know this and believe it.  When it comes from here, it does not get any better or could be any purer.

Sweetheart, with all of my being please know this and believe it… you do deserve to be loved, honored, cherished, respected, and made to feel that you are the only woman in the world by those whom are closest to you or should be closest to you.  Why, because deep down inside you, the beautiful person that you are, a whole wonderful and caring woman, there is a little girl who deserves this and begs for it silently.  I have seen this in your eyes on rare occasions, extremely deep special occasions.  Occasions that hold a special place in my heart and will always be reserved for you and our memories. Memories that will always stay with me as I feel they were milestones between you and I.

You are a terrific person in every sense of the word, special but, so much more.  We are all special but, not in need of the little yellow bus just yet.  Seriously though, we all deserve to be loved, honored, cherished, respected, treated as loving and caring individuals for deep down inside that is whom we truly are.  

Outside factors, negative reactions, frustration and anger blur what’s important and who we really are and what we want, need and desire the most.  It is truly an unfortunate scenario for everyone.  We do things out of anger to protect ourselves and negate the items and emotions that are more sustainable to being healthy, happy, content, promoting life and one another.  Those items being the bolded words just to mention a few.

We all deal with different forms of adversity in different ways.  Sometimes the ways we deal with things are not in the healthiest or wisest of methods.  I guess there is always room for improvement, maybe it's part of being human and I suppose it is.  Never the less this does not make it right and we should observe these behaviors and try to avoid and correct them to improve our futures, our relationships to preserve that which is important to us.

I want you to know from deep within me, I hope you're okay and wish that what is most important to you and for you is delivered in a timely fashion.  I’m  pretty sure your New Year and Christmas could have been better.  More importantly, I hope you found some true, sincere joy within the holidays and season as I sincerely believe you deserve that and so much more.  You are so much more than you know and so much more than you give yourself credit for.  Care for yourself and love yourself, pursue that which you want, need and love the most, and everything else will surely fall into place.

From my heart to yours,

Take care and forever,

[ColdEthyl]

FOR YOU AND YOU ONLY

To: You Know Whom You Are,

Please indulge me and read this, you don’t owe me a thing but, you do owe to yourself to read this.  In no way is this sent to upset you or hurt you.  This comes from a place of purity.

I am going to go with what feels comfortable, true and right here.  Why?  Because, I am speaking from within my heart of hearts if you will or from my soul and a place of honesty and sincerity.  This is not easy because my typing is extremely brutal.  If you could get an impaired from typing, then I’m guilty.  I have had 3 beers, it must be due to abstinence, as I haven’t had a drink since way before Christmas.

I am writing this because I think it is of the utmost importance.  What is of the utmost importance and re-read this time and time again if need be, because it is the truth and it is the truth from my heart and soul.  You need to know this and believe it.  When it comes from here, it does not get any better or could be any purer.

Sweetheart, with all of my being please know this and believe it… you do deserve to be loved, honored, cherished, respected, and made to feel that you are the only woman in the world by those whom are closest to you or should be closest to you.  Why, because deep down inside you, the beautiful person that you are, a whole wonderful and caring woman, there is a little girl who deserves this and begs for it silently.  I have seen this in your eyes on rare occasions, extremely deep special occasions.  Occasions that hold a special place in my heart and will always be reserved for you and our memories. Memories that will always stay with me as I feel they were milestones between you and I.

You are a terrific person in every sense of the word, special but, so much more.  We are all special but, not in need of the little yellow bus just yet.  Seriously though, we all deserve to be loved, honored, cherished, respected, treated as loving and caring individuals for deep down inside that is whom we truly are.  

Outside factors, negative reactions, frustration and anger blur what’s important and who we really are and what we want, need and desire the most.  It is truly an unfortunate scenario for everyone.  We do things out of anger to protect ourselves and negate the items and emotions that are more sustainable to being healthy, happy, content, promoting life and one another.  Those items being the bolded words just to mention a few.

We all deal with different forms of adversity in different ways.  Sometimes the ways we deal with things are not in the healthiest or wisest of methods.  I guess there is always room for improvement, maybe it's part of being human and I suppose it is.  Never the less this does not make it right and we should observe these behaviors and try to avoid and correct them to improve our futures, our relationships to preserve that which is important to us.

I want you to know from deep within me, I hope you're okay and wish that what is most important to you and for you is delivered in a timely fashion.  I’m  pretty sure your New Year and Christmas could have been better.  More importantly, I hope you found some true, sincere joy within the holidays and season as I sincerely believe you deserve that and so much more.  You are so much more than you know and so much more than you give yourself credit for.  Care for yourself and love yourself, pursue that which you want, need and love the most, and everything else will surely fall into place.

From my heart to yours,

Take care and forever,

That's a really nice letter. Have you sent it? Did she reply?

[CredoMutwa]

Thank you Ethyl,

I guess I was having a weak moment.  It was sent at about 2AM, Jan 3rd and there was and will be no reply.  In comparison to this woman you should change your web name to Luke warm Ethyl.  This woman is the ice queen. 

Since Christmas and prior to sending this, she has made every effort with everyone she knows that I had any contact with to paint me as an utter monster.  xBPD is running around looking for sympathy and if I didn't know any better it is because, she feels like a fool.  She lost the next best person in her life besides her parents.  How do I know this? A couple days after Christmas I had a talk with her Mother.  Her Mother was quite privy to all the disagreements and details the xBPD and I had.  However, always one sided.  The xBPD could do no wrong.  And unfortunately I lost my cool a couple times and when this occurs, I am quite well versed in telling the truth of the matter, with a few F-Bombs for punctuation.  And we all know the truth hurts.  On the last crazy making go around I told her she deserved to be the mean, angry, miserable f**K that she was.  Simply put, her passive aggressive mentality condemns her and she is her own worst enemy.  And to top it off my last words via text were; f**king ___!

But, when I think about it, who's to blame in it all?  I no longer believe in victims and she's convinced she's a victim.  And maybe this is a codependent trait?  I am not too sure?  But I blame myself for allowing this woman to treat me as such because, I trusted her and put up no boundaries.

Sorry Ethyl, to answer your question no I did not receive a response.  Nor did I want or expect one. I am and was sorry for stooping so low.  Hence the letter.  Hopefully she can read between the lines and glean some insight to her behavior. The actual thought of this woman contacting me or getting within eye sight, brings on anxiety. 

To sum this up, part of me still loves the healthy woman and the other part of me detests the BPD.  At times and most times she could be quite real, I think?

Anyway, I hope your doing well and I thank you for your compliments.

[Cat Familiar]

To sum this up, part of me still loves the healthy woman and the other part of me detests the BPD.  At times and most times she could be quite real, I think?

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this place of sadness and hopelessness. Loving a pwBPD is very frustrating and painful. Relationships in general are bound to be difficult, but throw BPD into the mix and it compounds the difficulty as few of the communication tools that we are accustomed to using with "nons" will work when dysregulation begins.

I totally get the love for the healthy part of the person and the hate for the BPD. It's like BPD is the enemy of intimacy!

I hope things get better for you soon.

[CredoMutwa]

Hi Cat,

Thank you for your post and kind words.  Things will get better.  Yes I miss her at times but, there is so much more that I have not mentioned.  I often wondered if I was enabling her and I am now sure I was.  And I have to wonder if all the B.S. excuses I got for her disappearing was to cover a gambling problem or whether she was screwing around on me?  Never the less, neither is good, the latter is worse but, I couldn't stay with her given all the covert activity and terrible communication.  I am better off.  Arrangements have been made for a therapist but, we've been playing phone tag for the last couple days.

Hopefully, I will be given some clarity on all of this and I hope he's familiar and experienced with this sort of thing?  And not running to the internet for answers but, how will I know if he has handle on all these disorders?

Take care Cat,

CM 

[ColdEthyl]

Thank you Ethyl,

I guess I was having a weak moment.  It was sent at about 2AM, Jan 3rd and there was and will be no reply.  In comparison to this woman you should change your web name to Luke warm Ethyl.  This woman is the ice queen. 

Since Christmas and prior to sending this, she has made every effort with everyone she knows that I had any contact with to paint me as an utter monster.  xBPD is running around looking for sympathy and if I didn't know any better it is because, she feels like a fool.  She lost the next best person in her life besides her parents.  How do I know this? A couple days after Christmas I had a talk with her Mother.  Her Mother was quite privy to all the disagreements and details the xBPD and I had.  However, always one sided.  The xBPD could do no wrong.  And unfortunately I lost my cool a couple times and when this occurs, I am quite well versed in telling the truth of the matter, with a few F-Bombs for punctuation.  And we all know the truth hurts.  On the last crazy making go around I told her she deserved to be the mean, angry, miserable f**K that she was.  Simply put, her passive aggressive mentality condemns her and she is her own worst enemy.  And to top it off my last words via text were; f**king ___!

But, when I think about it, who's to blame in it all?  I no longer believe in victims and she's convinced she's a victim.  And maybe this is a codependent trait?  I am not too sure?  But I blame myself for allowing this woman to treat me as such because, I trusted her and put up no boundaries.

Sorry Ethyl, to answer your question no I did not receive a response.  Nor did I want or expect one. I am and was sorry for stooping so low.  Hence the letter.  Hopefully she can read between the lines and glean some insight to her behavior. The actual thought of this woman contacting me or getting within eye sight, brings on anxiety. 

To sum this up, part of me still loves the healthy woman and the other part of me detests the BPD.  At times and most times she could be quite real, I think?

Anyway, I hope your doing well and I thank you for your compliments.

She is real, and so is the BPD. We cannot get one without the other. They can get better, they can improve and we can work the tools, but the BPD will always be there. For the relationship to work, we have to CHOOSE to accept both.

With that being said, I do not mean accept abuse. But accept it will come, they will try, and we must be strong and use our tools during the storms of BPD. I am sorry you are hurting. I, too, hurt badly when my husband and I were off and on in the first year. I would miss him so bad I didn't even know I could hurt that intensely. 

Hang in there, bud.