So Confusing

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I think I burned every bridge possible in the early hours of the morning, which to be fair might have been a good thing.

At 3am I got a text that said "It's over, Sorry, I meant no malice", this despite the fact I said it was over earlier in the evening. I thought I could see past the infidelity but when I realised that it was still going on, despite her wanting to keep working at things, it was my final straw. Given the impact this has had on my d14, I was very angry and upset last night.

Received another text a few minutes later that simply said "Thank you for everything"

That really sent me in to a rage and I text back, left it quite plain and simple to understand but I think I might have gone over the top:

"I know it's over, d14 is devastated. Please don't contact me or my family again as right now I just need to heal and forget about you. I don't need any thanks. There is no possible way I could accept any kind of relationship with you, friends or otherwise because you are a liar and a cheat"

I'm not entirely sure that got the message across but I just feel so angry today and worst of all, I feel like the bad guy for my response given that she offered an apology and a thank you.

[Ripped Heart]

I think I burned every bridge possible in the early hours of the morning, which to be fair might have been a good thing.

At 3am I got a text that said "It's over, Sorry, I meant no malice", this despite the fact I said it was over earlier in the evening. I thought I could see past the infidelity but when I realised that it was still going on, despite her wanting to keep working at things, it was my final straw. Given the impact this has had on my d14, I was very angry and upset last night.

Received another text a few minutes later that simply said "Thank you for everything"

That really sent me in to a rage and I text back, left it quite plain and simple to understand but I think I might have gone over the top:

"I know it's over, d14 is devastated. Please don't contact me or my family again as right now I just need to heal and forget about you. I don't need any thanks. There is no possible way I could accept any kind of relationship with you, friends or otherwise because you are a liar and a cheat"

I'm not entirely sure that got the message across but I just feel so angry today and worst of all, I feel like the bad guy for my response given that she offered an apology and a thank you.

[sweetheart]

Sorry you're feeling so bad Ripped Heart. 

Now that you have cut all ties etc can you block her number and texts? If not if you feel strong enough return any further texts unread or delete them immediately - I know I have done this in the past and it helps.

Her texts to you were passive-aggressive leaving you with the rage and upset she is feeling because you took some control over the situation.

There are no right or wrongs to what you said only that you sent it, this does make you the bad guy, be kind to yourself and invest your anger and upset in preventing her from gaining access to you emotionally anymore.

[Aussie JJ]

To me,

She wants to be in control, she wants to tell you its over.  I tried so hard with mine.  She said one line, no insight into what it meant to me.  One line and I asked simply.  Is that how you feel, that's how it is.  Her response, very timid, "yes". 

I said, "I accept that, thankyou." 

A week later after I ignored everything, an e-mail.  It isn't important why we broke up, lets concentrate on the future. 

She had to end it, she had to be in control. 

Sucks man, its cruel, let her have the control, she will text back.  Leave it be.  It's just about control. 


AJJ. 

[Ripped Heart]

Thanks guys

Sweetheart, I have blocked her number but not blocked FB yet (I did but in a moment of weakness last night I unblocked so can't do anything for 48 hours) I've also felt really vulnerable and weak today, almost to the stage of messaging her to say I was sorry, just hurt and angry and that I do wish her all the best but I know I could just be setting myself up for another slap if I do that. What I did do when deleting her number is I accidentally hit dial. Even though I cancelled immediately, it would still have shown on her end as a missed call from me.

Aussie - Her biggest thing was that she said she would hate it if I hated her in a text from her the other day. I think perhaps that's why I sent the text I did, basically to say I don't care about what you want, I want you to know I'm hurting and angry from your actions. That's what I can't figure out if it was the right way to behave.

I have no doubt she will be in touch, her previous bf (who she got the RO against) a couple of times when I spoke to him when he was in a rage and asked him to stop calling, he sometimes sounded confused and asked me to ask gf to stop calling him. The whole RO situation seemed dodgy and engineered. Yes, he was an angry person, yes he would call and yell abuse but gf was convinced he would get off with it. But about 2 months ago, he called her in the middle of the night, didn't say anything but because of the impending court case, he had been told not to contact her.

The one thing that bothered me about this was that he didn't have her new number and up until that week, had never made any further contact. I had suspicions at the time that gf called him to provoke him into calling back and that is how she nailed him. I know a few times at the start he said she was the one calling him, which when the police got involved she acknowledged and stated that it was to ask him to stop.

She has a very distinct pattern of how she starts relationships and how she ends them so I have to make sure I don't fall for the bait. She pulls in rescuers and that's how I figured out about the affair, the same patterns were there as were there at the start of our r/s.

And on top of all of this, I now have evidence today that exN/BPDw is preparing to re-engage. She set up a brand new FB page, with no information, friends, pics etc... .on the 30th November. The only thing she did do was set it up as her name and it's been trying to view my FB page for the last few weeks. On top of which her photo popped up in an email as someone I might know from another site where I had her blocked. It's been 3 years and it's like she knows when to start circling.

I just don't have the strength or energy to deal with 2 of them right now, just want the time to heal and get my strength back

[Mutt]

I think perhaps that's why I sent the text I did, basically to say I don't care about what you want, I want you to know I'm hurting and angry from your actions. That's what I can't figure out if it was the right way to behave.

I don't think there's a right or wrong. You're hurt, angry and rightfully so. You were invalidated, everyone wants to be heard.

I have no doubt she will be in touch, her previous bf (who she got the RO against) a couple of times when I spoke to him when he was in a rage and asked him to stop calling, he sometimes sounded confused and asked me to ask gf to stop calling him. The whole RO situation seemed dodgy and engineered. Yes, he was an angry person, yes he would call and yell abuse but gf was convinced he would get off with it. But about 2 months ago, he called her in the middle of the night, didn't say anything but because of the impending court case, he had been told not to contact her.

The one thing that bothered me about this was that he didn't have her new number and up until that week, had never made any further contact. I had suspicions at the time that gf called him to provoke him into calling back and that is how she nailed him. I know a few times at the start he said she was the one calling him, which when the police got involved she acknowledged and stated that it was to ask him to stop.

I can relate. Long story short I was with my ex for 7 and half years. She has a D15 and when my wife and my SD moved in ( SD was 5 ) at the time. My wife and SD's dad's r/s had ended 3 years prior.

From time to time in my marriage she would call SD's dad and she would blast him on the phone. I could hear SD's dad over the earpiece while my wife was talking to him.

FF to the split. Knowing her pattern I didn't want to go through this. He was in conflict with ex for 15 years. Him and I are different people.

I'm emotionally detached from her and her words. I'm indifferent to her behaviors and de-personalize.

Him on the other hand is emotionally attached to her words and takes things personal.

He doesn't understand BPD whereas I do, I learned to de-personalize. He's in chaos when they interact and I'm not.

And on top of all of this, I now have evidence today that exN/BPDw is preparing to re-engage. She set up a brand new FB page, with no information, friends, pics etc... .on the 30th November. The only thing she did do was set it up as her name and it's been trying to view my FB page for the last few weeks. On top of which her photo popped up in an email as someone I might know from another site where I had her blocked. It's been 3 years and it's like she knows when to start circling.

I just don't have the strength or energy to deal with 2 of them right now, just want the time to heal and get my strength back

What is fact? She set up a page. How do you know she's viewing? She popped up as someone as you may know.

Is it certainty that she's going to start engaging? It's 50/50.

I understand you are going through difficult things at the moment. Your W says one thing one minute and something else the next and your feeling guilt from her feelings.

Feelings are quicksilver for someone that has BPD.

You're exhausted from being on the emotional roller-coaster. I'm sorry if I'm getting this wrong.

It's her infidelity that you're having difficulties with? Do I have this right?

[Ripped Heart]

What is fact? She set up a page. How do you know she's viewing? She popped up as someone as you may know.

Is it certainty that she's going to start engaging? It's 50/50.

I understand you are going through difficult things at the moment. Your W says one thing one minute and something else the next and your feeling guilt from her feelings.

Feelings are quicksilver for someone that has BPD.

You're exhausted from being on the emotional roller-coaster. I'm sorry if I'm getting this wrong.

It's her infidelity that you're having difficulties with? Do I have this right?

Many thanks guys, I'm heading out for appointment with T now so will address in more detail later.

I know that exN/BPDw is engaging because it's been 6 months and I watched her patterns with her ex. There are 2 reasons I know for sure.

a) The way the list comes up when doing a search is around who has viewed you too, this is a design to reconnect as many people as possible. So the other night when I was doing a search for someone (not exN/BPDw but someone else with only same first initial) she appeared on that list.

b) Every FB page is coded with a unique ID. a) happens around specific coding using that ID so there is actually a way to see who has been viewing your FB page by looking at the background code. My page has been looked at 18 times by the above count since its setup in November.

exN/BPDw has high functioning and a very nasty person. exBPDgf is low functioning and I'm really struggling with this NC right now. I'm perhaps at my lowest point right at this point in time so the last thing I need is exN/BPDw appearing on the scene. Not that I will engage, but getting away from her the last time almost destroyed me.

As for exBPDgf, I still don't know if it was the infidelity or the fact that she was just carrying on like nothing was happening. The infidelity definitely played a big part and maybe if she had just come clean, who knows? I think it was more a betrayal of trust and honesty.

[Mutt]

Betrayal of trust is hard. It's stressful for you on two fronts.

I have two questions.

Do you know what mindfulness is?

What are you struggling with with NC?

[Ripped Heart]

Betrayal of trust is hard. It's stressful for you on two fronts.

I have two questions.

Do you know what mindfulness is?

What are you struggling with with NC?

Hi Mutt,

Yes, I know about mindfulness. The T I had at the time of being married to exN/BPDw worked around mindfulness and given the situation I was in, it was a great help. After I got away from toxic marriage, we stayed in contact and worked through plans for keeping in the present and moving forward.

The fact that 2 years later, I walk into another BPD r/s, although a very different person in that right, it was time for me to do a full examination of myself. Mindfulness wasn't going to be much of a help in that sense so I chose relational therapy to identify my own patterns in order to break the cycles.

So between relational and what I learned from mindfulness from the last time, I'm just about keeping myself together but struggling.

As to why, appointment with T today we identified a fear of failure as being a key issue of mine as well as my feelings of guilt if I hurt somebody. Some has to do with my upbringing and and invalidating parents, some to do with my Aspergers but ultimately the struggle with NC is that I often refuse to quit because I take the responsibility for the failure on my own shoulders.

T said I made a huge leap forward in breaking a cycle because I was the one who ended the r/s knowing it was toxic and was going to destroy me. I found my limit and enforced a boundary. Where I would usually drop that boundary, I now have to use mindfulness to keep reminding myself of why I put it there using how I'm feeling right now and how the whole incident made me feel. By reminding myself of that, I can beat the struggle and the more I enforce that boundary, the stronger it becomes and the more confident I become in knowing how to set my own boundaries and how to keep them in place.

[Mutt]

Mindfulness wasn't going to be much of a help in that sense so I chose relational therapy to identify my own patterns in order to break the cycles.

Mindfulness with FB. You know ex has checked your page.

Can you control this? Is it an absolute certainty that ex is going to show up in the picture? Anxiety, stress, fear is attached to the uncertain, a future event that may not unfold. It's speculation. Mindfulness and shifting focus on the here and now can help.

Letting go of what we can't control if ex is going to engage or not and you have a system in place, boundaries. Have confidence that your boundaries will help keeping the good stuff in and the bad stuff out. If you don't want her in your personal life, and she may flail against your boundaries. Defend your boundaries and she won't come in.

If you are struggling with NC, a suggestion, don't peek on FB it's less triggering   Every little bit we do for ourselves when we're feeling stretched thin helps.

I de-activated social media and advised family members that use it as a sole means of communication to call my cell or e-mail. I found some people are comfortable with FB and it wasn't a reason for me to keep my page activated for them. Are you comfortable with FB and use it as a primary means to stay in touch? There are other means of communication and sharing pictures?

I de-activated FB and Twitter for 5 months and re-activated when I felt stronger. If your ex is lurking (creeping) might be a good idea. It's an option.

the struggle with NC is that I often refuse to quit because I take the responsibility for the failure on my own shoulders.

I understand. I'm not one to quit either and I learned I can't move every mountain.

A r/s takes two people, it's equal parts 50/50.

Why put the lion's share on yourself?

By reminding myself of that, I can beat the struggle and the more I enforce that boundary, the stronger it becomes and the more confident I become in knowing how to set my own boundaries and how to keep them in place.

[Ripped Heart]

Mindfulness with FB. You know ex has checked your page.

Can you control this? Is it an absolute certainty that ex is going to show up in the picture? Anxiety, stress, fear is attached to the uncertain, a future event that may not unfold. It's speculation. Mindfulness and shifting focus on the here and now can help.

That's precisely what I did earlier tonight. I can't control if she is going to engage or not. Previous patterns suggest she is and my fear is that I was in a much stronger place the last time around. However, what I can control is how I react and now that I am aware she was using this to try and "spy" and that I know it is her, I've blocked that page too. Control what I can, and remove the fear of what I can't. No point in fearing how I will be if she does engage because I will be in a very different place to where I am right now. If she chooses to do it now, I can choose to ignore it.

We used to have a saying in the Army which rings quite true "If it can't kill you or get you pregnant, it's not worth the energy worrying about it"

As for FB, to be honest, I don't use it all that much. However, given what has occurred with BPDgf, friends and family are using it to reach out so I've used it more this week than possibly in the last year. My family is a little spread out around the world so FB is their primary way of keeping in touch, as for me, my friends are lucky if I so much as post 1 status update every month or so. My D14 lives her life through FB so I do use it to find out what she is up to, because she is at the age where it's like trying to get blood from a stone if I ask her.

As for relationships, I've always put the lions share in. Was a caretaker from a young age so as long as I met my own basic needs, I took care of everyone else. Same appears to be in relationships too. That's all I've ever known and that's always felt like my normal. But that is also what makes me a beacon for Cluster B personalities they project responsibility and I accept responsibility. I'm working through with T at the moment as to where that stems from so I can find closure on this and learn how to break that cycle.