The love of my life

[gentlesins]

Hey there- this is my first post!   I am so thankful to have found this place.  I'm just going to dive in.

I fell in love for the first time in my life at the age of 30 (2 years ago) with one of the most amazing, intelligent, beautiful, and tormented/tortured souls on the planet.  Loving him has been one of the greatest gifts of my life.  After doubting that I even had the capacity to love anyone for the majority of my life, discovering this love with him has been life-changing and wonderful.  He has helped me grow as a person.  He has opened my eyes and heart in so many ways.  My love for him is unconditional.  This love is beautiful, but it is also painful.  My mother told me this week as I confessed all of the relationship horrors that have lead up to this week's events that she has never in all my life seen me so amazingly happy and so tragically sad as she has seen me in this relationship.

I am an extremely intelligent, motivated, and amazing person.  So, when discussions with him began crossing into the realm of irrational, mind-numbingly confusing, verbally violent (rages), and self-doubt became pervasive, I knew something was deeply wrong.  His assuredness in his own world-view (polyamory, "unconditional love", abstract communication, unquestionable empathic abilities) made me feel like an emotional toddler with only a rudimentary understanding of life and love.  I remember saying to myself "It truly is a difficult burden to love someone so enlightened." 

Being humble and in self-doubt, I looked inward first - hoping to find the source of the problem.  I reasoned, I listened, I was introspective, I was open-minded.  I made reasonable and yet profound changes in the way I think, the way I act, my beliefs, and the way that I communicate.  These were initially balanced by my own reasoning and belief system.  However, self-doubt continued to grow in me and I began to struggle with seriously low self-esteem.  This culminated in me coping by resorting to my naturally submissive, self-sacrificing, and nurturing state (an enabler).  This is a role I've worked hard to overcome previously in my life, as I have recognized it isn't the healthiest or most fulfilling role for me, personally.  Yet, I easily slipped back into these comfortable ways as things progressed.  But, as the walls of his maze changed daily, and the new rules I constructed for myself fell apart with each new rage, I found myself at a dead-end.  I reached a point of hopelessness and a realization that giving him the only thing he has ever actually asked of me is impossible:  peace.  This is because the peace he seeks isn't something I can give him, it is something he has to find within himself.

This realization was made by me this week during his 2-day rage session, where all and any real communication was impossible.  He threatens to leave every time he rages.  This time he packed his things halfway (a first in our relationship).  After 2 days in limbo with his things half-packed, with no communication possible, not knowing whether he was staying or leaving, and me feeling displaced in my own home without the ability to express my own heartbreak, I told him to finish packing and moved him out.  I tried to calmly express to him that my door would always be open to him, and that I still loved him, and that I would always be here for him.  But, I could see the hurt and pain in his face and I felt like his heart, mind, and ears were closed to my words.  I do worry that I worsened his fears of abandonment by pushing him to finish what he already said he was going to do, and making him move out.  Perhaps that was a wrong decision.

A couple of weeks ago, I was looking up ways to deal with polyamory issues (trying to gain a handle on some of my own insecurity issues), and came across an article discussing borderline personality disorder and its links to polyamory.  I had never heard about the disorder, but something clicked when I read that article.   This week, I also began reaching out to family and friends for advice and support.  I received some much-needed validation that I wasn't crazy, and I began doing some research and finished reading Walking on Eggshells this morning... .

So, where do I go from here?

Here's my personal plan.  I'd love to hear suggestions.

1.  Schedule appointment with counseling service - discuss how I can deal with my personal issues and get some advice about how to help him or when/how (if ever) I might bring up the subject of him getting help.

2.  I've already made the decision that I want to continue having a relationship with him.  I love him, and I won't ever abandon him.  I can't help myself- it truly is unconditional.  But, I don't have to destroy myself doing it.  I need to explore my own boundaries for our relationship and then see if he wants to be a part of my life.  If he chooses that he doesn't want to be a part of my life, I will accept that.  If he changes his mind later on, I will let him, without holding it against him.  As the buddhists would say:  Aspire for no grasping and no avoiding in life.

3.  Continue research.  I'm going to learn more.  I understand my limits, not being a trained counselor or psychologist.  But, I am also intelligent, emotionally even-keeled, and can learn.  Perhaps I can learn something that may help him towards a path of inner-peace and love.

4.  Begin thinking about where to go from here.  I'm thinking that if he does decide he wants to continue our relationship, getting him a separate living space near mine - but separate.  That way I won't slip into my submissive role as easily and he has a place to be when he rages out of control and needs to leave/walk out of my life.  It will also be a safe place for him to pursue whatever other romantic relationships he feels he needs to have in his life to feel secure without feeling like I'm interfering/controlling/jealous/insecure/whatever.  Well, more thought is needed here- and I also would love to hear your thoughts about this idea, specifically in reference to polyamory, enabling, financial support, etc.  I'm still trying to find my boundaries with regard to all of these things, and am truly open to advice.

Thanks!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MaroonLiquid]

Welcome!   .  So sorry you are going through this. You will find good advice here. 

[vortex of confusion]

1.  Schedule appointment with counseling service - discuss how I can deal with my personal issues and get some advice about how to help him or when/how (if ever) I might bring up the subject of him getting help.

This is a great start. I would recommend not focusing so much on him. I know it is very difficult to do. I have been married to my husband for 16.5 years and I have done all of the things that you mentioned. (changing myself, looking inward, trying to be a better partner, and the list goes on) When I found this site, I was a lot more focused on changing him and helping him. After reading here and doing a lot of my own self evaluation, I am slowly starting to focus more on ME without so much regard for him. I have put my husband ahead of myself and my own needs for so long that I am twisted up in a whole bunch of knots.

2.  I've already made the decision that I want to continue having a relationship with him.  I love him, and I won't ever abandon him.  I can't help myself- it truly is unconditional.  But, I don't have to destroy myself doing it.  I need to explore my own boundaries for our relationship and then see if he wants to be a part of my life.  If he chooses that he doesn't want to be a part of my life, I will accept that.  If he changes his mind later on, I will let him, without holding it against him.  As the buddhists would say:  Aspire for no grasping and no avoiding in life.

I think this might be a bit dangerous. I am not sure if that is the correct way to state it but will try to explain myself. What do you mean by saying that you won't ever abandon him? To a person with BPD traits, any little thing can be perceived as potential abandonment. Your need for space could be seen as abandonment. How long will you wait for him? Are you willing to put your life on hold for him indefinitely? I ask that because that is what I have done with my husband. I have put my life on hold and have focused so much on the relationship that I lost myself in the process. It might be a good idea to give yourself a time frame.

3.  Continue research.  I'm going to learn more.  I understand my limits, not being a trained counselor or psychologist.  But, I am also intelligent, emotionally even-keeled, and can learn.  Perhaps I can learn something that may help him towards a path of inner-peace and love.

You can't help him towards that path. You should work on finding it for yourself. The only way for him to find that path is to do it on his own. You can support him and be there for him but you cannot put him on that path. It may lead to a power struggle.

4.  Begin thinking about where to go from here.  I'm thinking that if he does decide he wants to continue our relationship, getting him a separate living space near mine - but separate.  That way I won't slip into my submissive role as easily and he has a place to be when he rages out of control and needs to leave/walk out of my life.  It will also be a safe place for him to pursue whatever other romantic relationships he feels he needs to have in his life to feel secure without feeling like I'm interfering/controlling/jealous/insecure/whatever.  Well, more thought is needed here- and I also would love to hear your thoughts about this idea, specifically in reference to polyamory, enabling, financial support, etc.  I'm still trying to find my boundaries with regard to all of these things, and am truly open to advice.

The separate living space is a good idea if he will go for that.

I am not opposed to polyamory. My husband and I explored it at one point and I have a lover. The problem with polyamory is that you need to go into it with a clear understanding of what all parties want, need, and expect from it. Also, there needs to be really good communication between you and your partner. I have talked to several people in polyamorous relationships and there is going to be jealousy and a lot of other issues that come up. It is not impossible to deal with the issues IF you can communicate openly and honestly with each other. BPD really complicates things because it makes it so difficult to have open and honest communications. And, I have had problems with my husband putting me and our kids on the back burner to pursue other interests. You have to have really clear boundaries and be willing to talk that stuff out.