The pain we put ourselves through...

[Ghostwalker]

This is reposted from the "leaving" section as I feel this is a more appropriate forum as I'm not ready to "leave" the relationship behind, even though we have been broken up for about 2.5 months.

It's funny. You go through an entire relationship knowing there's a problem, yet never discover what it is. Then I stumble across some information on BPD and all the pieces fall into place. Like a T, my ex displayed every trait. Even I displayed the obvious traits of the easy victim enabler. The knight in shining armor (or rusty armor as she'd put it).

Though unlike most stories I've read of others' tragic affairs with BPD, I feel my ex was a bit different in that there were times when I truly felt her genuine love shine through. There were times when she would be verbally/mentally torturing me and actually realize what she was doing. I could see it in her eyes. The pain of realizing how much she was hurting me. On more than one occasion she would come to me after the fact, crying and saying how sorry she was and how she doesn't know why she gets so worked up and abusive.

It's so sad seeing someone you love being broken down by a problem neither of you can identify. A problem which breaks you down even more in the process... .


Here's a summary of our relationship.

We got together in December of 2012. I was 20, she was 18. From the beginning I knew something wasn't quite right. The idealization was intense, often making me uncomfortable as I could sense her juvenile perception of our relationship. There were times when I felt more like a prize than a partner.

I was pretty much her first for everything. She didn't even know how to make out until she met me. Though once I activated her dormant sexuality, boy did she ever turn out to be quite the pleaser (as is common with BPDs... .).

Not long into the relationship her unrealistic expectations started to show. Marriage and kids came up rather quickly. Hopeful ideas of the future before I could even guage how much this girl meant to me. She'd often question my commitment to her as well.

Though despite all that, it was her true colors which occasionally shone through that won me over. over time I grew to love her very deeply. She could be very nurturing and helpful. She'd clean my place, do my dishes, nurse me when I was sick. She would do anything for me.

For the most part, the first 6-7 months were great. It's when I went away for military training in July when things started to take a turn for the worse. I got injured early on course which eventually led to me being sent home. I became depressed and started drinking/smoking weed a lot. I'd hang out with my friends more and start to neglect her. Through my negligence I corrupted her. It was that corruption that truly brought out her BPD. She never smoked or drank much at all before me, but it was around September/October of that year when she started to. No thanks to the negative example I set.

She became more needy and insecure. She would complain of back aches and headaches. She even went in to get evaluated a few times. She thought she was bipolar. I would always say "You're fine, you can get through this, it's all in your head"... .If only I knew then what I know now.

After enough pain and misery, I finally cut things off. We broke up for the first time in January/February 2014. At first she was devastated. Crying and calling, begging me to reconsider. At this point I was so fed up that I was simply indifferent towards her and told her this is what I wanted. It wasn't long before the tables would turn. She became cold and bitter, cutting off all contact. She even found a new guy to play around with. Though after about a month or so she returned, admitting the other guy was just a distraction and that she loved me very much. We decided to try again, only to fall into the same old cycle as before. We broke up for the second time in July. We were staying with my mom for a couple months, which brought a whole new set of tribulations. After a heated/pointless argument, I told her to just leave. I only meant for her to leave me alone, but in true BPD fashion she took that as a sign to move out completely, and because I was so worked up I didn't bother trying to chase her. As before, she found yet another guy to cushion her fall. About a month after the breakup she drives an hour to spend a weekend with him. We were in LC at this point. On her way down we argued on the phone, leaving her in tears. When she returned, she came to see me. With tears in her eyes she broke down and told me that she got drunk/high and ended up sleeping with the guy. She told me she stopped him not long after they started. She couldn't continue, wishing it was me instead. Though I was deeply hurt, I forgave her. I think that was when she started to move onto the final "Hater" stage.

We moved into an apartment together in September, which is when she completely slipped off the deep end. She was chain smoking weed nonstop, going out every night with her friends. When she wasn't out with her friends or passed out on the bed she was pestering me for every little thing. It usually always stemmed from the fact that I didn't show her love often enough. Though its hard to appreciate someone who forces you to carry all the weight of the relationship, including the full cost of rent (which she agreed to pay half of yet never provided a cent). Eventually after enough neglect, she started to move towards the first guy that showed her what she wanted from me. I found their conversation one night after coming home from work, her passed out on the bed. They had been chatting for a couple weeks. Nothing raunchy, mostly her saying that she loves me and that she didn't think we were going to make it, and that maybe this guy would be better for her. It was enough to make me call it quits. I left her a note saying I'd be gone for a few days and that when I returned I expected her gone too... .

I went to my moms place, and by the time I put my head down to sleep it was around 4:30 am. Suddenly I heard *Whack* *Whack* on the side of the house. I opened the window to find her standing outside throwing rocks at the house. She was bawling and crying, begging me to talk to her. She told me how sorry she was, and how this guy meant nothing to her. She said she was just sad and lonely. She promised me she would change and put in more of an effort. Reluctantly I gave her another chance. She was fine for the first few days, cooking, cleaning, actually trying. Though after a few days she went right back to smoking/going out every night. After another week I finally had enough and told her she needed to find a new place to live. At this point she became very cold and distant. When she said "I love you", it lacked any honesty.

One night I returned home from work late to find a message from her on FB. She said she was out with her brother and some friends, and that she wouldn't be home that night. Strongly suspicious, I checked her anonymous twitter account, and low and behold she found yet another guy. Posts saying " I think I've met my match" and text screen captures saying "meet me down by the river princess" littered her feed. She also mentioned that I was kicking her out and that she was moving in with this new guy. I packed all of her stuff that night.

We had a bitter fight the next day when she returned, though it wasn't nearly as heated as usual. I could tell how much she had distanced herself from our relationship emotionally. She quickly grabbed a few essentials and took off. She showed up a week or so later with the new guy to pick up more stuff. She looked like crap, like she wasn't taking care of herself. At this point she was completely cold, devoid of any emotion towards me. I found out a few days later that she had moved in with this guy at his grandparents place an hour away... .She also changed her relationship status to "in a relationship" ONE DAY after we broke up (she deleted the notification on her timeline, likely out of guilt or embarrassment). I sent her a message calling her out on it, then deleted her. She responded by blocking me and deleting any mutual friends we shared... .

I proceeded to torture myself  by obsessivly reading her anon twitter posts which she knew I'd be reading. Posts about how happy she was were abundant, even a couple spiteful posts about their sex life... .

About a week later I dropped a couple things off at her parent's place. Her mom invited me in and asked me to tell her my side. She wasn't too pleased with her daughter... .

The next day the ex showed up at my place, alone this time. She said she wanted to check to see if there was anything she left, but I knew it was just an excuse to see me. She insisted she didn't cheat, and that she didn't do anything with the guy before the break. She was upset that I told her parents what was happening. After she found a few things of hers we made our way to the door. At this point I could see she was fighting back tears, and in a last desperate attempt to one-up me she said unconvincingly, "I think I love him". I said, "Oh yeah? Well have a great life" and held the door open for her. She quickly sped off, mumbling something about being kicked out again. Haven't seen her for about a month and a half. The breakup was on Oct.21.

About a month in I caved and left a letter for her at her parents place as it was the only way I could contact her (she stopped paying her cellphone bill too). I received a message from her rebound that night, basically telling me to back off or else. I told him he knows where I live and to show his permafried ass to me (all they do is smoke non-stop and watch Netflix). He blocked me and never responded... .

A few weeks after, I sent her another letter. This time leaving it at her work as I hoped she'd read it there and not tell the rebound as I don't want to create any more drama (still haven't heard from him... .). I received a call from the ex the next day. She told me to stop sending letters and stop showing up at her parents place. She told me she never even opened my letters, and that she was furious as she thinks I went to her parents and basically told them she was a ___... .She was at work and apparently her boss was walking up because she said he was coming then abruptly hung up in my ear. This happened on Dec.6th. haven't heard from her since.

I went to her parents one last time about two weeks ago as the exs' insurance company called me saying she made a claim on Dec.10. I also told them about the phone call and how she thought I trash talked her to them. They said they hadn't spoken to her in about a month. I asked them to just be there for her as she's going through a pretty difficult time. Her dad said he drives by my apartment once in a while, hoping he'll see her car in my driveway again... .

She stopped posting on twitter about a month ago, except for a few mundane posts last week. I think she's doing it because she doesn't want me to know what's happening in her life as I'm sure it's pretty uneventful.


I love her, and I want her back. I know what the problem is now. I know her BPD is what tore us apart and if she realized that I think we could start our relationship off on the right foot. We both knew there was something wrong with her, but we couldn't work on it because we didn't know exactly what it was. Now I do. I hope she comes around and realizes this guy is an insensitive jerk. Though I won't hold my breath. From here on out it's strict NC.


Any feedback or insight is appreciated. Based on your past BPD experiences, do you think she'll return? Or will I remain painted black forever? If she does, what can I expect? What would be the best way to confront her about BPD if she does? Im new to all this so any help is appreciated.


Thanks

[tryingtohelp]

Hi Ghostwalker

I have just read your detailed post and can understand much of the hurt you are going through.  I have had 7 years of much of the same and variations of the same worn out record ! If she is BPD you are in for much of the same for ever and ever, if she is BPD she will most likely , never be any different, you need to be prepared for much more of what she has already put you through and much worse. 

My BPD (diagnosed) significant other (SO )  is 32 and still beautiful, and has a loving , kind , warm side to her when she is in a stable phase, and I love her and care about her immensely, but know that living with her would be a disaster and have contented myself to be her friend, even this is hard work!   I know the feelings of having to cope with repeated 'infidelities', featuring an endless procession of other guys,  the 'silent treatment'  the constant 'no reply' to txt messages or phonecalls , the 'push-pull' torture of being drawn in and made to feel we were close at last, only to be pushed away days later without any apparent reason , it's all mind-bending stuff that most people never experience and have little idea of what you are talking about when you try to talk to anyone else about it.   Oh and talking to her parents about her , thats a no go area , she will not trust you for doing that! 

Step back for a moment and read what you have written... .does it sound like a healthy situation ? Who would want to put up with a relationship like that ? and that is only in it's infancy!  Being aware that your friend may have BPD ( remember she is not diagnosed) will not make much difference to your relationship , for a start you will have to be very careful how you even raise this subject with her! She will most likely deny it , and accuse you of being the one with BPD      If you can meet someone without this awful condition , you would be much better to go that way , you can still opt to be her friend but you need to put your own sanity first, if you don't you will be in the same boat in 20 years time, she will not change.  She will go from one 'rescuer' to another, and put each through the same stuff ( although most won't put up with her crap and will throw her out)

Take care of yourself first.    Good luck.     

[Blimblam]

The thing is that cycle she goes through is a pattern and if you were to be in a rs with her again she would likely cycle through it again probably quicker because you haVe abandoned her before.  You know what it takes for her to stop it hit can you always be that available for her? If not she is likely to seek "comfort" outside of the relationship.

[Ghostwalker]

I'm aware the situation isn't healthy. But like I said, she already suspects there is something wrong with her. She would always say "something isn't right with me". When she was in college she went to the campus councilor often, trying desperately to figure out what was wrong. I always told her she was fine... .Big mistake.

I wasn't there for her when she needed me, and regardless of what you may think BPD sufferers do need help. Regardless if they're receptive to it. Though in my case, as she already suspects there's something wrong, I think she would be.

Do I want a relationship like that? Of course not. Though I'm willing to risk it for her. I think if she went into therapy and could recognize her disorder, she may be able to maintain normal relationships.

As for the repeated infidelities, she only responded that way when I either left her or neglected her. It wasn't like she just left me out of the blue. It wasn't until the very end, when our relationship had essentially passed its point of no return that she started to line them up beforehand.

I'm not trying to justify her actions. Though like everyone who suffers from a disorder, its not entirely her fault.

I recently found out she didn't come home for Christmas. Must have spent it with the rebound and his family... .Her parents haven't heard from her in a month. She has literally blocked EVERYONE from her life. Has anyone ever experienced something like this? Do they usually come out of their hole? I feel as though she has entered the dreaded "hermit" stage, which she has been in many times before... .

[Blimblam]

There is a lot of ifs there. You have to look at the situation where it stands now. She left you and is now with someone else.  It sucks badly and I can imagine how much it must hurt based on my past BPD break ups. 

Perhaps check out the articles board and look up the three faces of victim.  The karpman drama triangle.  It seems like you want to potentially get back if the ducks line up.  Well educating yourself about the disorder is a good step if you decide to try again or detach.

The site has a recommended books list worth checking out. Learning a few different models of the disorder really helped me to depersonalize a lot of the behaviors. 

[tryingtohelp]

She has literally blocked EVERYONE from her life. Has anyone ever experienced something like this? Do they usually come out of their hole?

In my experience, she will cut certain people out of her life including her parents,  she once cut me out totally for 6 months for a PERCEIVED wrong which she thought I had done to her! this included no reply to any of my texts or phone calls or email, total shutdown.  She carried on her life with someone else , they are never alone, they generally always have a 'back up ' support comforter / rescuer , another guy who doesn't know whats wrong with her, hoping to get lucky , telling her what she wants to hear, untill of course that falls apart , which it always does, then when all other options aren't looking so good, she will re-cycle you ... .untill the next break up , then you will be 'painted black' and she will be off again.   

I also noticed the 'I wasn't there for her'  reasoning,  for her going haywire , that's another old chestnut, it won't matter what you do, and blaming yourself is ideal for her BPD behaviour to flourish .  ( you probably won't want to hear any of these things )   you can change the way you respond to her though.

To be honest , I didn't want to hear the same advice in my situation either, it seemed too negative, and surely this time it'll all be different , and some day , if I just persevere long enough , then surely it will all work out fine in the end... .won't it ?    I met a specialist who has dealt with BPD's as a health professional, he said that in his experience many of them get worse as they get older... .oh joy, so much to look forward to.   Yet I'm still here for her, and yes she still hurts me occasionally , I still love her,  but I will not let her wreck my life and my self any more.   

[Blimblam]

She has literally blocked EVERYONE from her life. Has anyone ever experienced something like this? Do they usually come out of their hole?

In my experience, she will cut certain people out of her life including her parents,  she once cut me out totally for 6 months for a PERCEIVED wrong which she thought I had done to her! this included no reply to any of my texts or phone calls or email, total shutdown.  She carried on her life with someone else , they are never alone, they generally always have a 'back up ' support comforter / rescuer , another guy who doesn't know whats wrong with her, hoping to get lucky , telling her what she wants to hear, untill of course that falls apart , which it always does, then when all other options aren't looking so good, she will re-cycle you ... .untill the next break up , then you will be 'painted black' and she will be off again.   

I also noticed the 'I wasn't there for her'  reasoning,  for her going haywire , that's another old chestnut, it won't matter what you do, and blaming yourself is ideal for her BPD behaviour to flourish .  ( you probably won't want to hear any of these things )   you can change the way you respond to her though.

To be honest , I didn't want to hear the same advice in my situation either, it seemed too negative, and surely this time it'll all be different , and some day , if I just persevere long enough , then surely it will all work out fine in the end... .won't it ?    I met a specialist who has dealt with BPD's as a health professional, he said that in his experience many of them get worse as they get older... .oh joy, so much to look forward to.   Yet I'm still here for her, and yes she still hurts me occasionally , I still love her,  but I will not let her wreck my life and my self any more.   

Wow man honestly your a trooper like maybe it's dysfunctional and unhealthy but you really love that girl.

[Ghostwalker]

I also noticed the 'I wasn't there for her'  reasoning,  for her going haywire , that's another old chestnut, it won't matter what you do, and blaming yourself is ideal for her BPD behaviour to flourish .  ( you probably won't want to hear any of these things )   you can change the way you respond to her though.

Her going haywire was in response to my neglect. Sometimes she'd be bawling and reaching out to me and I'd just ignore her... .Or I'd tell her "stop crying". I was very cold and unsympathetic. From there it was a steady descent. I'm not saying my behavior activated hers, however it didnt serve to remedy it either. That is my biggest regret. That I didn't try and understand her problem, instead I fueled it.

I just want the chance to do things right. Meet her rage with calm. Not let her negative distortions affect my feelings towards her.

And if all my efforts are in vain, at least I can say I tried. I know I won't be able to let this relationship rest until I do.

There's another strange aspect to this that has me confused. Back when our relationship started to decline, she created an anonymous twitter account, which revealed her narsisistic side... .She displayed herself in a very different way than she actually is. Whenever something negative would happen in our relationship, that's where she would vent. Whenever we would break up she would post endlessly about things that she knew would hurt me, knowing I would read them (even though she would always say " it's none of your business". Our last breakup on Oct.21 was no different. Endless posts who's aim was clearly to make me jealous. Though about a month ago she stopped posting, which is quite unlike her. I thought maybe she was having so much of a good time with the new guy that she stoped bothering. Though not long before she stopped, she made a few posts that contradicted that. One was stating how the rebound was getting annoyed over the fact that she "steals all the blankets". Then another said " might be moving again... .Maybe I like solitude". Then another "not sure what to do... .why do I have to have feelings... .". Then a month of silence after an ambiguous post about how appreciative she was to retain so many followers during a previous 6 month hiatus... .Which leads me to believe she went AWOL in an effort to one-up me, since she has no vessel to look into my life. Then on Dec.18th she made a post about her rebound's irrelevant comment on a video game he was playing... .Which she deleted a couple days later. After the "solitude" post, I was sure their relationship would end, but 1+ month on they're still going strong, at least according to FB... .

Anyone experience similar behavior?

[tryingtohelp]

It is better to stay away from the facebook / twitter nonsense,  especially the rantings of someone with a serious psych disorder ... .she can post something there and feel totally different in an hour.  Even though it is tempting to look at her posts and photos etc, you are just torturing yourself, it is far better just to not go there at all,  better to get involved with something more constructive.    Don't chase her texts , don't pressure her, don't appear 'needy'  she can't help herself but to be manipilative if she detects any of those behaviours in you.     

[Blimblam]

We'll ghost. You need to be like the panda at the end of Kung fu panda 2. 

All you can do is work on yourself. Learning about the disorder helps to depersonalize it. There are books on the site recomended list that can help you with that.