uBPD grandma vs. "normal" grandma

[MiserableDaughter]

Hello all,

I have a 2 year old son. My uBPD mom lives near me and my mil is visiting from India. My mom constantly competes with me for my own son... I thought maybe I'm too hard on her until I've noticed the massive differences with the way my mil is with my son vs my mom... ,My mil, thoigh not perfect, still let's me be Mom. My mom tries to be my son's mom... .The main differences I've observed... .

MIL: the first night she was here, my son wanted to sleep in her room. My husband and I explained that it would ruin his sleep routine, which he us already difficult with. My mil agreed and didn't mention it again.

Mom: I told my mom the same thing, and she very begrudgingly agreed but I constantly heard examples of how her friends grandkids always sleep in grandmas beds.

MIL: we all went to new year party togetger since my mil is visiting. My mil just let my son run around and went and danced with him.

Mom: my mom literally grabs my son and runs off so I can't even find her. She leaves me behind and takes him it show him off to her friends. She won't let me hold my own son because she is holding him the whole time. She's complained that my husband and her "snatch" him away from her when all we do is pick up our own child.

Mil: if my son is not in the mood to hug her, she leaves it alone cause he's 2 and busy with his own stuff.

Mom: takes it personally and threatens my 2 year old son that grandma will leave if he doesn't hug her.

Mil: I still do all the stuff I want with my son, bathe him, read to him, feed him etc.

Mom: she takes all of it over.

Mil: if I say do not buy him more toys cause he has a zillion he doesn't touch she will listen

Mom: deliberately will buy him the toys I said not to. In fact she will buy him 10 of them and say "grandma is for spoiling." My son acts like a brat with her and drags her to stores in the mall and throws a tantrum. My mom instantly buys him whatever he picks up and more because "he was crying." I've told her a million times don't, but she won't listen and does what she wants.

Mil: gave my son one great big gift for Christmas and some cash to buy him Somethijg.

Mom: again though I asked her not to, she slept thousands and piled gifts upto the ceiling for him. She complains I don't appreciate her. What is would appreciate is my own mother respecting my wishes a little.

Mil: constantly says she's so greatful to be spending time with her grandson even thoigh she lives across the world and saw him after a year.

Mom: sees my son every week but constantly gives examples if her friends grandkids who come to stay with their grandparents all weekend and how her and my dad are "alone," and need to find ways of entertaining themselves.

Mil: says mommy is most important at this stage for a child

Mom: says that I'm threatened by her and I'm afraid that my son will be "on her side"

Mil: let's my son be a kid and doesn't cling

Mom: I've caught her multiple time literally whispering "you love grandma? You want to come to grandmas house? Tell mama." And when my son repeats and says "go grandma house" she looks all shocked and says "did you hear that?"

Mil: tells me I do a great job with him

Mom: when I was forced to leave my son for 4 days with my parents cause I had to accompany my husband on a no kids allowed work trip, my mom told me on the phone how my son wasn't eating so she told him mama would come and take him home if he didn't eat. Then she cackles and says "and then he ate all his food AND his desert."

Mil: again just let's him be 2 and doesn't compete with me

Mom: would literally have my dad hold my son and test who he came to... .Me or her. Then she'd clap with glee when he went to her (when he was like 1.)

Oh and I condtantly get to hear how my son says he wants to go to grandmas house  from her instead of our house. She was baby sitting him once recently and told me how when she turned into my street with my son in the car, he kept saying "go grandma house" abd started crying cause he didn't want to come home.

I could go on and on. I try to limit how much time my mom spends with my son. I'm afraid she will do the same to him that she did with me; control by guilt, passive aggressive behavior and drama, and the need to be the most important person in the room, even for my 2 year old! I want to eventually move far away cause I don't want my son exposed to her so much. She will continuously overstep what I say to prove her control on him and will constantly just try to buy his affection.

My dilemma is knowing what's normal grandma behavior and what's not. I guess I know i don't feel pissed or threatened when my mil is with my son as compared to when my mom is with him... .Probably cause she constantly says "you love grandma right?" To him...

I really needed to vent all that...

[clljhns]

Hi MiserableDaughter,

This sounds so familiar. My uBPDmom would do the same things with my daughter when she was growing up. She wanted my daughter to love her above anyone else, including me. My mom would tell me that she and my daughter shared a special bond, one that I didn't have with my daughter. Buying gifts when I asked her not to, was the one way she could control the relationship between her and my daughter, so she thought. Just like you, even when I would tell her that buying so many gifts did not match my parenting practices and beliefs, she would do it anyway.

I think you have a good example of appropriate grandma behavior in your MIL, which is a striking difference from your mom. I would suggest you read: Have Your Parents Put You at Risk for Psychopathology?, here is an excerpt from the article:Concomitantly, a mother with BPD tends to treat the child as a “need gratifying object” as opposed to an individual, an autonomous person. Such behaviors, mixed with the powerful, alternating idealization and devaluation characteristic of BPD, are likely to obviate a positive mother-child relationship and negatively affect the child’s developing interpersonal skills and sense of self.



Let me know what you think about the article.

It is very common for BPD mom's to manipulate their children to get their own needs met. If they can do it with their children, they will do it with their grandchildren.


Wishing you all the best! 

[GeekyGirl]

Hi MiserableDaughter,

From what you posted, I think you already know! What kinds of behaviors do you consider healthy, and which ones aren't?

Most importantly, what can you do to encourage healthy behavior from either grandma, and how do you deal with unhealthy behavior when you see it?

The reason I ask is because even though we haven't had good parenting role models, we can see appropriate and inappropriate behavior and recognize it. That's so important once we become parents ourselves, because we do have some say over grandparents' influence.