starting NC after a period of communication

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My uBPDxgf left in mid Sept after close to 5 years together - one other prominent breakup about four years ago that lasted a couple weeks.

We stayed in contact mostly regarding our D3.  I did however occasionally send her messages saying I'd like to be friends, stuff like that.  I was reviewing the emails from the first few weeks of the split and they will filled with vitriol.  She was hurting at that point, but I held firm and didn't chase her which is what I assumed she wanted.

Found out a few weeks ago that she was dating someone else when she "inadvertently" sent me a text meant for him.  Dating I have no problem, I have been seeing someone since two weeks after the split (going slow seems to potentially be a healthy relationship).  What got me was that she indicated she planned to introduce D3 to him soon.  Came to find out she had already.  Also last week D3 told me that she slept over his house.

I haven't said anything about the sleeping but I contacted her several times about introducing our D to him so soon.  She finally responded saying our personal lives are off limits to discussion.

Did she "share" this information with me intentionally to get the rise out of me that she got?

Also last week she moved her remaining belongings out of my house.  Said she was hiring movers, but neighbors said it was two guys with a rental truck - pretty sure she moved those items to his house.

Based on what I can gather from her family that tend to side with me - she met him on eharmony a few weeks after we split.  He isn't particularly attractive or her type, but she did brag that he is "super" loaded.  But knowing her, I am sure there is some embellishment there.  Her parents did tell her that he was not invited to their Christmas celebration since it was so soon - which I am sure pushed her closer to him.

I am not sure if I want her back, the new woman is fantastic.  But in some ways I do or at least to talk to get some better closure.  I know she has split from me and doesn't care - expect that.  To me her actions of not speaking to me (during the week of Christmas we had to exchange D3 in person, she wouldn't speak to me or make eye contact), moving so fast with the new relationship, refusing to speak to her family at all about me and the situation point to her splitting.

I guess my question is - can I go NC now or is it too late?  I plan on it either way, focusing on my new relationship (not sure if she knows about it), completing some projects, returning my home to a healthy environment replacing things she took.  I haven't made contact for a week now, that's the longest NC we've had.

Is there anything else to do other than NC?  She has blocked me from social media so she can't see my page either.  Also, while in NC for the next two months, how do I handle potential contact from her regarding D3's schedule?  I found out she was taking a trip next month with the new guy, but that she then took the post off her page - could be that her mother told it was inappropriate.

Cliffs:

Not sure if I really want her back, I guess what I really want is for her to want to.

Did she share information about the new guy to get a rise out of me?  To help her feel like I was hurting without her?

Can I start NC after three months of fairly consistent contact?

How do I handle contact from her regarding D3's schedule?  Keep it short?

Anything else to do other than NC?

[Cleveland]

My uBPDxgf left in mid Sept after close to 5 years together - one other prominent breakup about four years ago that lasted a couple weeks.

We stayed in contact mostly regarding our D3.  I did however occasionally send her messages saying I'd like to be friends, stuff like that.  I was reviewing the emails from the first few weeks of the split and they will filled with vitriol.  She was hurting at that point, but I held firm and didn't chase her which is what I assumed she wanted.

Found out a few weeks ago that she was dating someone else when she "inadvertently" sent me a text meant for him.  Dating I have no problem, I have been seeing someone since two weeks after the split (going slow seems to potentially be a healthy relationship).  What got me was that she indicated she planned to introduce D3 to him soon.  Came to find out she had already.  Also last week D3 told me that she slept over his house.

I haven't said anything about the sleeping but I contacted her several times about introducing our D to him so soon.  She finally responded saying our personal lives are off limits to discussion.

Did she "share" this information with me intentionally to get the rise out of me that she got?

Also last week she moved her remaining belongings out of my house.  Said she was hiring movers, but neighbors said it was two guys with a rental truck - pretty sure she moved those items to his house.

Based on what I can gather from her family that tend to side with me - she met him on eharmony a few weeks after we split.  He isn't particularly attractive or her type, but she did brag that he is "super" loaded.  But knowing her, I am sure there is some embellishment there.  Her parents did tell her that he was not invited to their Christmas celebration since it was so soon - which I am sure pushed her closer to him.

I am not sure if I want her back, the new woman is fantastic.  But in some ways I do or at least to talk to get some better closure.  I know she has split from me and doesn't care - expect that.  To me her actions of not speaking to me (during the week of Christmas we had to exchange D3 in person, she wouldn't speak to me or make eye contact), moving so fast with the new relationship, refusing to speak to her family at all about me and the situation point to her splitting.

I guess my question is - can I go NC now or is it too late?  I plan on it either way, focusing on my new relationship (not sure if she knows about it), completing some projects, returning my home to a healthy environment replacing things she took.  I haven't made contact for a week now, that's the longest NC we've had.

Is there anything else to do other than NC?  She has blocked me from social media so she can't see my page either.  Also, while in NC for the next two months, how do I handle potential contact from her regarding D3's schedule?  I found out she was taking a trip next month with the new guy, but that she then took the post off her page - could be that her mother told it was inappropriate.

Cliffs:

Not sure if I really want her back, I guess what I really want is for her to want to.

Did she share information about the new guy to get a rise out of me?  To help her feel like I was hurting without her?

Can I start NC after three months of fairly consistent contact?

How do I handle contact from her regarding D3's schedule?  Keep it short?

Anything else to do other than NC?

[Cleveland]

she left because I chose to go to a bachelor party and we ended up at a strip club.  I told her we had not intentions beforehand, and that was true.  But some of the guys wanted to go and I decided it was an opportunity to put my foot down / establish a boundary with her.

She has trust issues from her past and with me, but that stuff was far back.  Two weeks prior to the breakup she was telling family members that she was going to try and get pregnant the second the ball drops on NYE.

Her new bf has a 13 year old though and presumably will be partially raising our D3 so I have no idea how excited he would be about the prospect of having another.

[eyvindr]

Hi Cleveland --

Welcome to bpdfamily. Sorry you're dealing with this stuff.

I think you may have answered your own question here:

I am not sure if I want her back, the new woman is fantastic.

The new woman is fantastic -- your word. The ex sounds like she was difficult, at best. Why not try fantastic this time?

But in some ways I do or at least to talk to get some better closure.  I know she has split from me and doesn't care - expect that.  To me her actions of not speaking to me (during the week of Christmas we had to exchange D3 in person, she wouldn't speak to me or make eye contact), moving so fast with the new relationship, refusing to speak to her family at all about me and the situation point to her splitting.

Lack of closure is extremely common at the end of r-ships with pwBPD. Best to just accept that, I think. I think we need to think seriously about who the closure would be for? you or her? What benefit would you get from having it?

I guess my question is - can I go NC now or is it too late?  I plan on it either way, focusing on my new relationship (not sure if she knows about it), completing some projects, returning my home to a healthy environment replacing things she took.  I haven't made contact for a week now, that's the longest NC we've had.

Is there anything else to do other than NC?  She has blocked me from social media so she can't see my page either.  Also, while in NC for the next two months, how do I handle potential contact from her regarding D3's schedule?  I found out she was taking a trip next month with the new guy, but that she then took the post off her page - could be that her mother told it was inappropriate.

It's never too late for NC -- and the golden rule of NC is this: No contact is for you, not for her. Not trying to influence your thinking here at all, and I wouldn't even pretend to understand her motives -- just pointing out what I see, as an uninvolved 3rd-party observer --

• She left you.



• She went NC.



• Sounds like she already my be living with the new guy.



• You're already with someone new, and it sounds like you really like her.

That's what I'm hearing from your post. Since you have a child together, realistically, you will have to have at least limited contact with your ex, so true NC isn't possible as long as you have shared custody. Even if you did some day get full custody, everything points to the pros of trying to maintain some kind of relationship b/t your daughter and her mother, presuming there are no signs of abuse or neglect. Other than that, is there a positive role that your ex could play in your life now that you're apart? Is there a good reason to communicate with her about anything other than parenting details?

[Cleveland]

the problem is she always used other men's interest in her to keep me piqued.  I think back to when we first started dating and we had so many fights where I normally would have walked away, but I knew she had this rich older guy admirer and he would always stroke her ego telling her she shouldn't be with someone her own age.  Finally got that guy out of the picture after about 3 years but there were others she would casually let me know about - like a co-worker who allegedly asked her to have an affair this summer and I didn't freak out about it.  She was so "disgusted" but I know she went with he and his wife to a work conference early last month.

So being conditioned with that for five years ... .I am still trying to prove my worth to her.  So I don't know that I really want her back, but I want her to want to get back.  And who am I kidding, I am still trying to kick my addiction to her crazy.

As for the NC - I guess specifically if she contacts me to change our D's schedule - how do I respond and stay within the NC realm?  Just say yes or no?  As I said she may have a trip planned next month - my initial reaction would be to ask for where she is staying in case there is an emergency with our D, but that would be too much, right?  Just say, yes I will take custody that week and leave it at that.

[eyvindr]

It is a drag to have to think these kinds of logistics through so thoroughly, when you share custody with an ex who can be difficult.

As for the NC - I guess specifically if she contacts me to change our D's schedule - how do I respond and stay within the NC realm?  Just say yes or no?  As I said she may have a trip planned next month - my initial reaction would be to ask for where she is staying in case there is an emergency with our D, but that would be too much, right?  Just say, yes I will take custody that week and leave it at that.

I think it sounds about right to me, CLE. I'd try something like doing it in email, if you communicate with her that way -- if not, no biggie, but if you do, since it's a custody thing, it never hurts to have written documentation. Something like --

Ex,

Thanks for thinking ahead about how to handle D while you're away. I can arrange my schedule so she can stay with me.

Cleveland

Stick to the facts and the relevant details -- nothing else is needed. I'm assuming you have her cell #, so if anything were to happen that she should know about, as your D's mom, she could be reached. But, yeah -- you don't need to know where she's going or what she's doing. Your priority is your daughter, and she'll be with you. Your ex isn't your concern. That's how I'd approach it.

[Cleveland]

well I think they are going out of the country, so I am not sure her cell would work.  I do have a good relationship with her parents though, so I am sure they would be able to get through to her.

I guess I am having trouble letting go of wanting to help and protect her.  Also struggling with her introducing this new guy to our D so soon and at such a heavy level because I "know" that this relationship is going to end either soon or later but with potential for another child involved as well and it will tear apart an environment my D is becoming accustomed to.

[eyvindr]

In that case --

well I think they are going out of the country, so I am not sure her cell would work.  I do have a good relationship with her parents though, so I am sure they would be able to get through to her.

You're certainly within your rights as her father to ask her for a way to reach her in case of an emergency, and leave it at that. Because, again -- if your daughter's with you, you don't really need your ex to assure her well-being.

I guess I am having trouble letting go of wanting to help and protect her.  Also struggling with her introducing this new guy to our D so soon and at such a heavy level because I "know" that this relationship is going to end either soon or later but with potential for another child involved as well and it will tear apart an environment my D is becoming accustomed to.

That sounds like two separate things, Cleveland. With respect, I'd agree with you that you're still hanging on to your protector role. Do you think that might be the real reason for you trying to maintain contact?

The other issue I think is legitimate -- you're acting as a responsible father out of concern for your daughter, because you're familiar with your ex's behaviors. But it should be looked at as a separate issue, imo.

Tough stuff, having a kid with someone stricken with this disease. Good luck with it.

[Cleveland]

So much for NC - made it seven days.  D had a fever tonight and woman that runs daycare was sick this morning with flu - but it is at her house and she has to be available for the early morning kids before her workers arrive.  Ex is a real estate agent so she has a flexible schedule.  So I texted her and said ":)'s running a fever between 100.1 and 100.5, woman at daycare is sick so I don't think she should go in tomorrow.  Would you be able to stay home with her and if so, would you want to pick her up tonight so that she can sleep in in the morning?"  She responded that she recommends motrin and fluids and to take temp in the AM and if still fever ex would pick her up.  I told her the daycare woman has the flu and I don't think she should go anyway.  She responded she would be over in an hour to pick her up.

Shows up, seemed reluctant to come inside, no eye contact, nothing to say to me.  I was telling her how much and when I gave her the meds, and she talked over me to D.  Then I told her the meds were kicking in cause the fever was on its way down and checked it again.  She said "let me use that baby thermometer and I'll return it."  Told her to let me know on Sunday if she still has a fever and I will pick her up and stay home with her on Monday.

STUPID NO NO CONTACT!

I decided that I will not ask - if there is an emergency I can text her and I would contact her parents (whom I still have a good relationship with) regardless of if she was in the country or not.

Definitely hung up on protector role - been talking to her sister-in-law a lot - great relationship with her, she dislikes ex, tells me to let the new geeky looking guy have her and move on - doesn't understand how complex this dynamic is but I am starting to fill her in on more details of our relationship - it's therapeutic for me to think of all the stupid stuff she got upset over - in fact right now, I have no desire to have anything to do with her but I would like to be friendly for D's sake.  Anyway talking to her she fills me in on how much the extended family is frustrated with her, thought she treated me poorly based on their observations (but they don't know some of the things I did to lash out) and we talk about how the real problem is - no one in her family will call her out on her BS.  They just accept that is how she is, and are afraid to start arguments with her, bottom line, she's never going to get the help she needs.

The other stuff - yes... .fatherly side coming out.  More than jealousy.  But others have pointed out - by her having a new "victim" it will keep her "happier" than being alone, and that's good for D.

[eyvindr]

Sounds like you're sorting it out, CLE. That's good.

Also good that you have someone to talk to about it. It took me a long time to learn that it's ok to talk to people about this stuff. I mean, I know now how vital it is, but 25 years ago when my marriage crashed and burned as a result of my uBPDexw's infidelity, I just felt ashamed! Oldest child, first son, first child married -- and now divorced. I felt like I'd joined the ranks of total failures -- I was getting divorced? me? Only losers got divorces! Of course, that's nuts -- but I was naive and that's how I felt. Only after I started to talk about my troubles did I begin to learn how many people out there are divorced -- turns out it's a pretty big club. And a lot of good, kind, innocent people are members. Stuff just happens. Hang in there.

[Cleveland]

thanks man, you've been a big help.

Her attitude when we are in the same place together is what is still hanging me up.  No eye contact, very little speaking directly to me.  She's not raging, so I guess it's either shame or total apathy.  But I think even if it is apathy she would make eye contact... .