Taking Ownership of My Feelings

[livednlearned]

Can you do something healthy with them together -- something that shows you know how to take care of yourself? They'll learn from what you do.

I was tempted to do a mindfulness-based stress reduction class with my son. They offer them for teens where I live, and there's one for adults that runs at the same time. But I didn't have enough $$ to cover both. I'm learning, though, to ask for discounts (graduate student, single mom) and finding that it helps to just ask. They said I can do the two classes for full + half price.

We haven't done the class but one day I hope to. Instead, I've had to show examples in other (cheaper) ways. I try to phrase things as, "I'm going to take care of myself by taking a walk." Or "I'm going to drop you off and then take care of myself by having coffee with a friend."

Last week when I said I was too tired to get groceries and was going to wait until the next day, he said, "You should take care of yourself and go when you aren't tired." I had to pick my jaw off the ground.

This is a kid who used to say phrases his dad would say. "You love the dog more than me" when I fed the dog. 

[Grey Kitty]

Last week when I said I was too tired to get groceries and was going to wait until the next day, he said, "You should take care of yourself and go when you aren't tired." I had to pick my jaw off the ground.

This is a kid who used to say phrases his dad would say. "You love the dog more than me" when I fed the dog. 

   Parenting. You're doin' it right.

Yes, kids learn by example!

[vortex of confusion]

Can you do something healthy with them together -- something that shows you know how to take care of yourself? They'll learn from what you do.

I do stuff with my kids all the time. We sit and joke and laugh a lot. I love to cook and bake and on every one of their birthdays I make a custom cake. They look like something from cake wrecks but it is something that I really enjoy doing. I love to go to thrift stores but the girls don't so I usually go on a day when dad is home. I usually bring back some pretty cool stuff. I invite them to go with me but they are not interested.

We haven't done the class but one day I hope to. Instead, I've had to show examples in other (cheaper) ways. I try to phrase things as, "I'm going to take care of myself by taking a walk." Or "I'm going to drop you off and then take care of myself by having coffee with a friend."

Our finances are pretty tight so I have to find free things to do. I do go hang out with my brother and his wife from time to time. I try to find little things to do. However, that doesn't change the fact that the girls don't like being home with dad without me for too long. That doesn't change the fact that if something goes wrong while I am gone I have to deal with the fall out when I get home or get a phone call or text. It isn't uncommon for me to be out and have him call or text and tell me that the kids are giving him problems. That produces a lot of anxiety for me.

Last week when I said I was too tired to get groceries and was going to wait until the next day, he said, "You should take care of yourself and go when you aren't tired." I had to pick my jaw off the ground.

My kids are great. If I am tired or not feeling well, they give me the space I need and the bigger kids try to help with the younger ones. I don't see my kids as being overly selfish or demanding. It really says something to me when the kids would rather stay with anybody but dad. We have worked on getting them okay with being with dad. He has stepped it up in a lot of areas. Prior to the fall of 2013, I couldn't do any self care that did not involve the kids. One of my daughters used to have anxiety attacks and would throw the biggest fit if I went to leave. Even a short trip to the grocery store by me would create a problem. We have come a long way as I now have a job outside of the house and can go out on my own from time to time.

[Grey Kitty]

However, that doesn't change the fact that the girls don't like being home with dad without me for too long. That doesn't change the fact that if something goes wrong while I am gone I have to deal with the fall out when I get home or get a phone call or text. It isn't uncommon for me to be out and have him call or text and tell me that the kids are giving him problems. That produces a lot of anxiety for me.

I think that facing that anxiety and doing more of this is your best move.

You keep describing how much better your kids are with your H and your H is with the kids compared to how it used to be.

This kind of improvement only comes when you force them into the situation, and deal with what comes up.

Consider dealing with fall out afterwords or a call or text while you are out as paying in advance now for easier time away later.

[vortex of confusion]

However, that doesn't change the fact that the girls don't like being home with dad without me for too long. That doesn't change the fact that if something goes wrong while I am gone I have to deal with the fall out when I get home or get a phone call or text. It isn't uncommon for me to be out and have him call or text and tell me that the kids are giving him problems. That produces a lot of anxiety for me.

I think that facing that anxiety and doing more of this is your best move.

You keep describing how much better your kids are with your H and your H is with the kids compared to how it used to be.

This kind of improvement only comes when you force them into the situation, and deal with what comes up.

Consider dealing with fall out afterwords or a call or text while you are out as paying in advance now for easier time away later.

Reading this really, really pi$$es me off. Yes, I understand that it is a trade off. Yes, I have been forcing them into the situation and dealing with it. I have been doing it for a long time. There are days when I DO NOT feel like dealing with the fall out and I do not want to have to pay for things in advance. Some days I just want to exist without all of the crap. Yes, it is ultimately my fault and my responsibility because I have four kids. I have choices to make and sometimes those choices aren't easy. Some days, I don't feel like paying for a trip the thrift store. Some days, I don't want to force things. I just want to relax.

[Grey Kitty]

Some days you don't feel like paying for future improvements.

That's OK.

It is your choice to when you have emotional 'funds' to make that investment... .and when you don't.

You can take it easy, and not push him to deal with the kids / push the kids to deal with him.

No need to make the same choice every day.

I hope you are feeling less frustrated today.