Sad story

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,

So sad, my BPDD age 19 met a drug dealer age 26, he was homeless, she let him share her single room, they decided to get married, each time they were going to do it they couldn't afford it, but one day they did it. I can only picture it in my head, how strange it all must have looked. The registrar said to him, you are married now, you need to act it.

9 months later a baby boy was born, I tried to support them even though I hated it all. Two weeks after baby was born, dd went into crisis, ended up in hospital eventually. I had baby for first three months, social services told me I was going to be getting him. I was happy about that. Then it ended up dad got him, even though criminal record for violence, drugs etc he got him. He kicked my dd out, said he is divorcing her, and he gave up work, which was strange because he wouldn't give it up to support dd when she was crying all day at home alone missing him.

For 4 months my dd couldn't see anyone, she was in hospital in a deep depression, lost everything, her home, baby and her husband.

He remained living in her home and took over the rent. I saw the baby about once a week, then last April, I looked after him for 3 months while dad went to work. We got on, I was feeling blackmailed mind you, felt I had to do everything right for him or I might loose my grandchild.

One day, I asked for him for an hour longer, he wouldn't budge, we didn't have an argument, he just acted like a child and stormed off. Never spoke to me after that.

We get a letter two weeks later saying he is moving, 4 hours drive away. Made up some good reason, I suspect he got legal advice as he can not write properly.

Now we don't see him. My dd is seeing him every two weeks. But Dad insists on being there, and he is horrid to dd, wont let her play with the baby, if she wants to feed him the dad wont leave her alone, telling her how to do it properly! its so distressing for her.

Its so sad, such a mess.

We went to court last week, things have changed but they didn't manage to let him drop the baby off and leave him with dd and her nurse who is always with her for support. He was like a little child in court, saying he does not want to leave her alone with the nurse and her baby. The judge just told him he has to stay out of sight, so stupid. He says he needs to be there for reassurance for the baby, but he knows his mum, he has seen her since he was born a lot. Just for 4 months she couldn't see him.

Isnt this so sad.

I wonder if anyone has any advice, we have another court case coming up and then a big one at the end. What could we ask for? My daughter is so well and her prognosis is good now as she is doing DBT and will continue for another 9 months.

Can she have the baby over Christmas next year, or some of it, could we ask for this.

Any legal advice would be helpful, Im in UK though so it may be different.

[heronbird]

Hi,

So sad, my BPDD age 19 met a drug dealer age 26, he was homeless, she let him share her single room, they decided to get married, each time they were going to do it they couldn't afford it, but one day they did it. I can only picture it in my head, how strange it all must have looked. The registrar said to him, you are married now, you need to act it.

9 months later a baby boy was born, I tried to support them even though I hated it all. Two weeks after baby was born, dd went into crisis, ended up in hospital eventually. I had baby for first three months, social services told me I was going to be getting him. I was happy about that. Then it ended up dad got him, even though criminal record for violence, drugs etc he got him. He kicked my dd out, said he is divorcing her, and he gave up work, which was strange because he wouldn't give it up to support dd when she was crying all day at home alone missing him.

For 4 months my dd couldn't see anyone, she was in hospital in a deep depression, lost everything, her home, baby and her husband.

He remained living in her home and took over the rent. I saw the baby about once a week, then last April, I looked after him for 3 months while dad went to work. We got on, I was feeling blackmailed mind you, felt I had to do everything right for him or I might loose my grandchild.

One day, I asked for him for an hour longer, he wouldn't budge, we didn't have an argument, he just acted like a child and stormed off. Never spoke to me after that.

We get a letter two weeks later saying he is moving, 4 hours drive away. Made up some good reason, I suspect he got legal advice as he can not write properly.

Now we don't see him. My dd is seeing him every two weeks. But Dad insists on being there, and he is horrid to dd, wont let her play with the baby, if she wants to feed him the dad wont leave her alone, telling her how to do it properly! its so distressing for her.

Its so sad, such a mess.

We went to court last week, things have changed but they didn't manage to let him drop the baby off and leave him with dd and her nurse who is always with her for support. He was like a little child in court, saying he does not want to leave her alone with the nurse and her baby. The judge just told him he has to stay out of sight, so stupid. He says he needs to be there for reassurance for the baby, but he knows his mum, he has seen her since he was born a lot. Just for 4 months she couldn't see him.

Isnt this so sad.

I wonder if anyone has any advice, we have another court case coming up and then a big one at the end. What could we ask for? My daughter is so well and her prognosis is good now as she is doing DBT and will continue for another 9 months.

Can she have the baby over Christmas next year, or some of it, could we ask for this.

Any legal advice would be helpful, Im in UK though so it may be different.

[livednlearned]

So sad, heronbird.

It's unbelievable how courts rule. I'm glad your D is getting DBT and can only imagine what it must be like to try and bond with her baby in that kind of custody situation.

This might help you feel less alone, and hopefully provide some tips from other grandparents in similar situations: What is the story on "Grandparents' Rights?

I would ask for a lot more than you expect to get. Aim high. Ask for supervised visitation for the baby in which you are the supervisor. Let the court know you did it before, and are able to do it again. Also, show how difficult the dad is being, that he is doing everything he can to obstruct access to the child. Even though laws are slightly different in the UK, they are essentially based on the "north star" or what's in the child's best interests. And for better or worse, the child's best interest is to have both parents involved. Talk to your L and ask if it makes sense to show how obstructive the dad is. The more you can show of that, the better.

He is being a bully, and has managed to get away with quite a bit. You need an assertive lawyer who has a good strategy. Have you read Splitting by Bill Eddy? It's intended for those of us who divorced someone BPD or NPD, but you'll find a lot in there that is helpful to anyone dealing with custody battles in the court system. You can download the book to your computer. There is also the HighConflictInstitute.com website and blog that Bill Eddy put together, and lots of helpful information about BPD and family courts. It's not clear whether the SIL has BPD but he is behaving in a way that is consistent with someone who is high conflict.

[ForeverDad]

And that your daughter in progressing in therapy should count for a lot.  Courts generally deal with the parents as they are.  If she needed supervision in the past, that need not apply to now, the scenario has changed, she is in therapy and applying it long term.

The sooner his obstructions are brought to the court's attention, the better.  Courts have a habit of not wanting to change the status quo.  If you get this before the court sooner, then you may be able to convince the court that status quo is with you and, with guidance, your daughter in majority parenting roles.  If SIL is in control for an extended time then the court could rule that the status quo is with father in control.

With that in mind, seek a temporary order where the child is returned to the prior care arrangements - with you and supplemented by daughter - until a final decision is reached.  If the court decides things as they are now, something you need to present a good case now to avoid, it is more of an uphill struggle to get improvements later.

What is considered at least minimally standard for a non-primary parent is for alternate weekends and one or two evening or overnight visits in between.  That he is demanding just brief visits and with him right there is unreasonable and without basis, especially since you're available to address any professed stability concerns.  Yes, the court has set some minimal limits but it sounds like not enough.

And yes, do document the father's obstructions and unreasonable demands.  Courts have a dim view of obstructive parents.

[heronbird]

Thank you foreverdad and livednlearned,

anything is more than helpful at this stage.

We were very naïve at the beginning. it was all so difficult as dd was so ill. She is the one with BPD, her dh is not right but no diagnosis of BPD although I am wondering. He definitely has ADHD, possibly OCD, his mother has OCD for sure. So there is something wrong. He can not understand instruction if you give a bit of detail, so you have to be straingt and simple. Such a shame for the baby. He does love him mind you.

I realised in the court what dads often have to go through and they often end up giving up, I wish my daughter would just wave goodbye to her son but I don't think she can. No one is ever on her side, they all love the dad, ahh isn't he amazing looking after his baby all by himself, hes turned his life around and doing such a good job blah blah blah. But he has a bad bad temper and was a drug dealer, also hooked on drugs, gave loads to my dd.

He got residency back in May. Dd had no legal advice as she was ill and couldn't manage to get any. If we had, we could have asked for joint custody.

Now my dd is doing well with DBT, so if I mention the past , all I get from her is don't talk about the past (DBT) there is not point. Its so very hard.

I think our barrister made the court order so that me and my dh can be guardians and have our grandson, sil gets no choice in that.

Well, good news is, dd texted my yesterday, her dh out of the blue just told her he is bringing her baby up on Saturday, would we like him for a few hours. I am suspicious, but I don't care in a way, I just want to see him, its been about 6 months. It will be so wonderful for dd too.