I wish I didn't miss him

[hope2727]

 :'(

I really miss my sweet, honest, compassionate partner. I know he is in there somewhere and that despite much of it being mirroring me it was who he worked hard to be before he even met me.

Now it should be noted that I am very ill today. I have bronchitis and pneumonia and feel like I am developing pleurisy again (compounded by lifelong severe asthma) and feel like death. I get this at least once a year and managed to deal with it year after year just fine. But this year I am totally alone. I have dealt with it alone many times but for whatever reason I am not dealing with it well this time. I have the humidifier set up, the tea with lemon and honey made, the hot shower is done, the chest physio is completed, meds are taken but I just can't stop crying.

I miss my ex. I am sick of being the one left alone after years of being there for others. I know thats a little co-dependant sounding but seriously. We are supposed to take care of one another in this life. I took care of him through sickness and health and he used to do the same for me. Now he is off with the replacement and my friends (thanks to his smear campaign) and I am here in bed struggling for air and crying.

My freaking tenants have been my only lifeline this time. One brought me take out last night so I would eat something. The other brought me chocolate and tea and checks in twice a day to make sure I am alive. I seriously feel like the most alone person in the world. I want to call my ex up and scream at him what a giant d-bag he is but he wouldn't get it and I have no voice anyway. . Can't you just imagine the frog voice in the phone whisper/screaming at him.  Ok that cheered me up a bit.

Thanks for listening folks. I am sorry for the pity party. I really am. I know its stupid I just never in a million years thought I'd be here alone and sick and afraid. I though things were going to be so different. We loved each other so much and had such fun. I miss him. I miss the good and even the bad. It just got so bad I couldn't take it any more. I will feel better in a few days and then I will be ok again. Thanks for letting me vent.

[hope2727]

Does anyone else miss their pwBPD when they are having a hard day? And did you pwBPD step up for you or were you on your own in the relationship? Mine was totally there for me in the beginning but at the end not at all.

[RedDove]

Hope, I'm so sorry you are feeling so sick, sad and missing your ex.   I understand and can empathize with what you are going through. I also believe my ex BPDbf is kind, caring and sweet, but it is overshadowed and hidden deep under the layers of his disorder. It's been a difficult journey to understand BPD and detach. It's been almost 7 months for me. I have good days and bad days, even when I'm feeling healthy and not sick. Be kind to yourself. Know that what you are feeling is what you need to in order to get through it.

I was sick two Christmas' ago with the flu. I was flat out on my back for the entire holiday week and everyone treated me like I had the plague. No one came to see me on Christmas as they didn't want to risk getting the flu. I know how sad and helpless that feels. Especially after we take care of everyone else, including our ex's.

I'm glad you have your tenants to check in on you. At least you have someone. It may not be the person you hoped and wished for (your ex), but it's important to have someone looking in on you. Please seek medical care if you are feeling worse.

You are not alone and everyone here understands the pain and sadness you are feeling. The most difficult part for me was giving up the hopes and dreams I had for my relationship and future with my ex BPD. But in the end he betrayed my loyalty and trust. His words were empty and meaningless and didn't match his actions. I knew I had to walk away. One day soon we'll realize the reason, the lesson they taught us about ourselves and move forward to something/someone who can reciprocate our love and have a healthy relationship.

Now go curl up under the blankies, stay warm, get some rest and take care of YOU!

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Hope,

I feel the same way. When I am having a rough day or sick, I miss my pwBPD terribly.  I think the vulnerability of being sick adds to missing them more than usual.  The majority of the time, my pwBPD would step up and help me when I was sick. Recently when I was sick, it was really hard for me because I was so used to him helping me. Realizing that made me feel really sad and lonely.  I hope you feel better.  

[hope2727]

The most difficult part for me was giving up the hopes and dreams I had for my relationship and future with my ex BPD. But in the end he betrayed my loyalty and trust. His words were empty and meaningless and didn't match his actions. I knew I had to walk away. One day soon we'll realize the reason, the lesson they taught us about ourselves and move forward to something/someone who can reciprocate our love and have a healthy relationship.

I guess thats what it is alright. Thanks. I keep wanting to send him a message of support today. I know he'll just lash out at me so I won't but its weird that when I need support I feel the need to be kind to him.

Oh well its the dream I suppose. The dream of him and I and our future.

Thanks for all your messages. It helps to know I'm not crazy. I was seriously feeling crazy when he left in May. It was gas lighting at its best. Somehow I still feel like its my fault. I know I have responsibility in the relationship failing but no matter what I do or did it wasn't and won't ever be enough.

[RedDove]

Hope, I know how hard it is to accept. I've read here on the forum and many books on care taking, co dependency, BPD, radical acceptance. Unfortunately the hardest thing to accept is "we" did "nothing" wrong!, We are good, caring, loving people and fell prey and in love with a mentally disordered individual. They won't change! The replacement will get the same "exact" treatment we did (idealizw, devalue, discard). I've watched on the sidelines as he's doing the same "exact" thing to my replacement. He's on dating sites and has been trying to recycle me. Like me, she has mo clue he's BPD and cheating. It's a very sad and sick disorder.

My Dad was recently hospitalized. He almost died from internal bleeding. Had I not called the ambulance when I did, he would not be alive today. While I was sitting I'm the ER, alone and scared, my first thought was to text my ex BPD bf. BUT, I knew he wouldn't be able to give the love and support needed, so I didn't reach out. But I understand, it's due to the trauma bond we had with our exes. It's a deeply seated unhealthy emotional bond. There's a book I read about it, believe its called The Betrayal Bond. My ex BPD bf learned about my Dad's hospitalization through a mutual acquaintance and attempted a recycle. But I didn't fall for it.

Someone posted a really good post from user 2010. I've copied and pasted it below for you. Hopefully some reading will help you get through your difficult day! 

More wisdom from user 2010:

"Borderlines do not have a stable sense of “self.” Therefore, they are keenly aware of other people’s sense of themselves and have a strong desire to attach to that “self” for safety. This attachment has an emotional quotient to the Borderline that serves the disordered thoughts and subsequent fears of annihilation /or abandonment.

Annihilation, the anxiety that the Borderline will never become a “self” is one fear - while abandonment, (the anxiety that the Borderline will be left behind and unsafe in the World without the partner’s attachment) is the other. These dual fears move back and forth on an opposing pendulum (black and white, all or none, good vs. bad) and they swing in response to the partner’s actions. In a sense, they are reactive actions to the partner’s actions, but the partner’s actions are *Borderline perceptions* based on their disordered thought process.

In other words, Borderlines have compulsive thoughts based on fear and those thoughts fuel their actions. The partner may not even have done anything to warrant the fear, but the Borderline’s reaction is based on incorrect perception brought forth from the underlying disorder. This is exactly why the personality is disordered; the Borderline’s thoughts are leading to incorrect assumptions. It's Borderline to delusion.

The drive for Borderline is to find reward (attachment,) only to see it withdraw (abandon). Panic ensues and a new drive begins for new reward. What was once focused upon always withdraws, (abandons) and the Borderline begins the search for new reward (attachment.) In the meantime, the old attachment reward (that’s YOU - the one that was perceived as withdrawing) now returns on the pendulum swing, and the Borderline renews their longing to attach to you, only to have the disorder flip the reward back to withdrawing and the anxiety raised to the point that another self (other than the current partner) has to be found.

 

It’s a debilitating disorder, one that the partner needs to become aware of as they are recycled and make efforts to protect from the rebound. There is no future happiness in the dysfunction of their compulsions.

When you are pulled into this dysfunction, find a way to step out of the maelstrom and take a look at how you got there. If you're like most of us, the common thread is that you cared enough to want this to work out - but you were no match for a personality disorder, and like the rest of us we had to realize that it's beyond any of our help. Healing will come when you depersonalize the disorder and realize that acting out behavior and push/pull is done to everyone. There wasn't a thing you could do about it.  Any acting out behaviors were only the disorder's way of showing itself as (Borderline usually remains hidden until its triggered) and it wasn't due to anything that you consciously did or didn't do. Borderline personality was in the picture before you came on the scene - it's a compulsive thought process based on incorrect perceptions.

You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. There's not a thing you could do about it. It's happened, but you're going to put up a wall now to block it from hurting you again. You loved this person, that won't change. But you are going to have to prevent the disorder from entering your life again and harming you and that means first forgiving yourself for any actions you feel that may have contributed to the Borderline's behavior - it wasn't you that caused this, it was "Borderline thought" instead."

[Trog]

Does anyone else miss their pwBPD when they are having a hard day? And did you pwBPD step up for you or were you on your own in the relationship? Mine was totally there for me in the beginning but at the end not at all.

I miss being part of a couple, but my ex was not exactly the mothering type but I know for sure she was trying because she would bring up the fact she brought drinks to me for weeks after i recovered. She resented my being ill and towards the end was abusive toward me when I caught a bug or cold. I remember once we were on holiday and I had a terrible vomiting bug and was out cold, she didn't want to waste a day (it lasted a day!) and so she took herself off to the spa and the pool and was gone for hours whilst I felt like I was drifting in and out consciousness, I have to be honest, never would I have left her, or any other gf I ever had (this was my wife of 1 year only) if they were this sick.

That statement is a little ironic because I did leave my wife when she was sick, she has schitzo effective disorder which causes her to her very abusive and sexually inappropriate towards friends and even brother in-law, but 7 years of abuse vs one day of vomiting... .

[PaintedBlack28]

Hope,

I hope you feel a little better now. I feel exactly the same way you do, believe me. Nobody that didn't have to walk through hell like we did can even start to understand the pain and sense of devastation we feel. I must tell you that the user 2010 provided me with a wealth of understanding of the disorder (and myself, too!) and it has been a continuous well of wisdom that I revisit from time to time whenever I feel extremely down. I'll just do what RedDove did, post a user-2010 post, which is actually one of my favorites:

[User 2010]"Crushed,

    My heart goes out to you on this. I think we’ve all been there. When you answer the emails and demand reasons (and apologies) for the inappropriate behavior and they don’t come- it can be devastating.

Many people who get into a relationship with idealization and mirroring can feel life affirmed in the beginning, almost as though this was a holy anointment.  And in the end, when it appears to be just a façade, it can cause such despair that one can only compare it to Hell.

The aftermath of this goes in stages; the back and forth; and having it get worse- only to spiral down and crash.  Then when you’ve crashed, you really want the pain to go away, and the only thing that you know will take that pain away is the proof that you were really loved in spite of it all, (in spite of the disorder.)  But this person can’t take away your pain when they are the cause of it and your uncertainty about that is sometimes outweighed by your hopefulness - and this is what needs to be addressed.

And at a certain point we all feel shame for not being able to “fix” the disorder.  And the more you read about addiction, the more you’ll understand that it really is about a “fix.” Uncertainty versus hope equals bargaining and denial of the dilemma can lead to toxic shame.  All of these “psychology today” terms that really stem from a spiritual wound that needs healing. There are reasons for this.

The BPD partner is really a representative of what you think will “fix” your spiritual wound.  If you have Love- you are lovable. If your love is taken away, you feel unlovable and you don’t want to live. After all, what is life *worth living* for if you were never truly loved?

So the catch-22 of all of this is that the person who said they loved you actually doesn’t understand love- they only know need.  They don’t know what stable love is- otherwise they would feel it- you would feel it and the entire World would be Glorious, but this is a disorder. You’ve got to respect that.

And the truth of the matter is that you’ve also got to intellectually understand that you fell in love with a person that has a distorted belief system that causes them to have a pattern of unstable interpersonal behavior. The behavior is triggered by you due to intimacy, and it is their wonky way of a coping mechanism for the thoughts of persecution and bondage to a punitive parent that exists in their head. Lying and impulsive behavior and anger and fear and projection are all part and parcel of the disorder. It’s not reasonable to think you are no longer loveable because of the disorder’s distorted beliefs. You are loveable. The disorder wouldn’t have been triggered otherwise.

Hopefully, you know that you are very important. Your importance means that in the aftermath of this failed love- there is still love for yourself that has to be lit from within. If it isn’t, the need to hand it over to another person for safe keeping is too much responsibility, especially for someone who is unstable. You must have self-love despite the fact that another human being appears unable to carry your love. In all likelihood, both of you had great intentions for love, but the unstable belief system guaranteed an outcome that did not support trust and faith. This is a disorder. I’m very sorry and I know it hurts.

I know you feel down right now. This is completely appropriate given the circumstances, but I’m here to tell you – you will get through this. There is a resolve inside of you that will not be extinguished. It is a flame that exists in spite of your heartache and you will keep it alive, because there are many people out there who will love you- you just need to give them a chance. Day by day, every person you meet gives you the possibility for love. The despair you feel right now- it will pass, I promise. But first, we need closure on your spiritual wound. Your despair is about a lack of closure, and this back and forth just rips the scab off. So how do we suture you up? What is the best method of closure?

For most people, closure is an action word - you take action by closing the door to someone who has hurt you- especially someone who has hurt you multiple times. And for most people, this is very hard to do. You’ve held out hope for so long and the back and forth is keeping that hope alive, but it’s also spiritually draining.

No contact is saying that you don’t want to be hurt anymore and you want (or at least attempt) a better future. The hope is something you give yourself. That’s self-preservation and self love and it’s the effort you make to keep that tiny flame alive inside of you despite the fact that another person has hurt you. You may fall off the wagon and break the no contact agreement, but it will eventually work its way through and the door will be closed. Then you must grieve.

The best you can hope for is that someday you will find peace from the aftermath (now known as an interaction rather than a relationship) An interaction with someone who needed you for the wrong reasons, (not the right ones) which supported a disordered belief system where you were assigned a role to play. You’re going to have to accept that this wasn’t supposed to be a lifelong commitment and that’s a GOOD thing you realized this sooner rather than later.

You will eventually accept that the closing of doors lead to the opening of others, and you will wistfully admire your commitment to try and love this person, while realizing the futility of your efforts and still ask yourself the hard questions about why you were willing to love in such a way that you were willing to turn against loving yourself.

It will get better. Day by day. Give it time. And please don’t ever give up. Hope you keep posting."  

[hope2727]

Thanks everyone. I actually had to drag myself to work today sick or not. Its a weird situation but it turned out to be a good thing I went as one of the staff required a rush to the emergency ward so I was able to go and see about that. So perhaps everything does happen for a reason after all.

I agree with many things said here by all the contributors. I would love to respond in proper but I have serious brain fog from lack or oxygen at the moment. 

I do so miss my guy. He did love me and I him.    He spiralled downward after some triggering events and I forgive him that. I wish we could have walked our journey together but I have to take care of myself. He will hopefully find the path to peace on his own and perhaps at some point we can cross paths again.

Hugs to all of you.   

[downwhim]

Hope, just got home and read your post. I am so sorry you are sick and lonely and missing your ex. What great help you have received! You know you are not alone at all. We are all in the same boat hanging on to the lifeline of learning how to cope and lead lives that bring us fulfillment.

My ex was a caring too. He brought me coffee every morning in bed, took care of me when I was sick and made sure I was safe at all times. I am talking about driving around in bad weather conditions, getting in two accidents, having surgery in April. He was always there. It is lonely not being a couple anymore.

I am glad you found solace in work today. You seem like an awesome, caring, loving person so take care of yourself and thank you for this post that was so helpful to many of us.  

[peace_seeker]

Does anyone else miss their pwBPD when they are having a hard day? And did you pwBPD step up for you or were you on your own in the relationship? Mine was totally there for me in the beginning but at the end not at all.

Dear Hope2727,

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time.  I miss my pwBPD when I'm having a hard day too. I miss sharing with him all the bad things that happened, and hearing his wise advice on how to handle things better next time, or to hear him tell me how much stronger/wiser I have grown to handle things better. Some days when times are so bad, I just feel like giving up and running back to him begging him to take me back. But i also know that that is just fear of being alone, and I hope you'll keep strong and stay away from ur ex as well. (Even though i know how tempting it is to just drop him a msg!)

Sometimes I also remind myself of how unempthatic my exBPD can be. Sometimes when I'm sick, or when I cut myself accidentally, he'll actually get angry at me instead of showing concern. He'll be angry at how 'careless' I am, how I never exercise to keep myself fit. Even though he'll still take care of me to make sure that I am ok, but somehow i always felt like i've let him down for not being healthy, and somehow he always have this ability to make me feel like i'm a burden to him. Does yours ever made you feel that way? Maybe you can think of all the times that you wish he was there, but he wasn't. Remind yourself of how he might disappoint you instead of making you feel better even if you 2 are together now.

And you have all of us here. Keep posting, my heart is with you. 

[SlyQQ]

A hot bath big meal lots of blankets lots of sleep an try to sweat it out My ex always tried to make a show of looking after me when i was unwell even early on I knew it was a quid pro quo arrangement trying to tie me to her / put me in her debt to be later reclaimed / create dependency issues It is difficult to understand the mindset of BPDs but it is not love like us an it is very destructive and completely self centered

[hope2727]

Thanks everyone.

Its been a tough week no doubt. I have no idea where I would be without this board.

I am doing a bit better. I did melt down in traffic and have a big cry half way home. But that is part of the grieving I suppose. Man I hope I start to feel happier soon. I am sick and tired and of being sick and tired (and sad). I still miss him. I almost called him. I was soo close. I called everyone on my emergency do not call Voldemort list and no one answered  but I still resisted. So small victories I guess...

I know we are all worthy o happy healthy love. I hope mine arrives soon for as much as I am the strongest person I know, as much as I know it sounds a little borderline, I am seriously ready to stop... .to quit... .to let someone else lead and to may even to be rescued a bit.

Drat I had better have a cup of tea and regroup because no on wis coming and I' will have to rescue my self... .AGAIN!  Oh well.

Hugs and love all.

[myself]

When I'm having a hard day, yeah, I'll think about my ex. Wishing things were different. When I'm having a good day, too. The last time she was here I was sick, and at first she was being really great about it. It made me love her even more, feeling like she really was there for me and we had a wonderful partnership that could weather any storm. But the intimacy of caring for me (anyone) and putting someone (me) before herself was too overwhelming. Very triggering for her. In fact it was the last time I saw her/we were together. There have been a few times since then that I wished I hadn't been sick, like it was my fault somehow for chasing her away. Which is ridiculous. Looking back, it's obvious that if it wouldn't have been that it would have been something else, that was the pattern. It opened my eyes to how I had been there for her through every ache and pain, every up and down, but when it was about me I was pretty much on my own. Which is the way it's usually been in my life, but for those few moments it sure felt nice thinking someone else was there like that. It was... .Comforting.

Hope you're feeling better soon, Hope. With better times to come.

[jhkbuzz]

I guess thats what it is alright. Thanks. I keep wanting to send him a message of support today. I know he'll just lash out at me so I won't but its weird that when I need support I feel the need to be kind to him.

Not really weird at all... .you are tempted to offer him what you actually want to receive.