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Author Topic: Would you take them back?  (Read 4225 times)
ADecadeLost
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« Reply #30 on: January 11, 2015, 03:23:40 PM »

She recently asked, and the answer is NO.  Even with the improvements she's made after two years in DBT, the damage is done.  I don't mind maintaining LC (and eventually even being a friend if she needs it), but I will never get romantically involved again.
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nowwhatz
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« Reply #31 on: January 11, 2015, 03:25:39 PM »

I have answered "no" to this question several times in the past and ended up recycling.

An absolute "NO" is how I would like to answer but if history means anything something would have to be different this time.

If I could meet someone that had some of the characteristics of my exgf without the mental illness then maybe I could be sure of an absolute "no."
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Earthbayne
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« Reply #32 on: January 11, 2015, 03:28:30 PM »

Yes, I'd take her back to the crazy store, show my receipt and demand for my money back.
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Tim300
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« Reply #33 on: January 11, 2015, 04:01:04 PM »

I was just wondering if your ex contacted you, apologised and said that they wanted to work things out, would you take them back?

No.  I couldn't.  I really wish there was a way for us to be friends (predominantly from a distance), but unfortunately that's not even possible because I'm straight up scared of her.  I worry that she will literally try to kill me or otherwise destroy my life.  I think my best bet to prevent this is to stay away.  It's crazy to think that this was my partner for 2.5 years, someone I'd known for 10+ years, and someone who I had planned to spend my life with -- but now I'll never see her, speak with her, or even get a chance to say a proper goodbye.  It's like she's died.  There could almost be a BPD graveyard with tombstones (for still-living BPDs) where you could go once a year and drop some flowers and give well wishes.
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #34 on: January 11, 2015, 04:44:16 PM »

I was just wondering if your ex contacted you, apologised and said that they wanted to work things out, would you take them back?

No.  I couldn't.  I really wish there was a way for us to be friends (predominantly from a distance), but unfortunately that's not even possible because I'm straight up scared of her.  I worry that she will literally try to kill me or otherwise destroy my life.  I think my best bet to prevent this is to stay away.  It's crazy to think that this was my partner for 2.5 years, someone I'd known for 10+ years, and someone who I had planned to spend my life with -- but now I'll never see her, speak with her, or even get a chance to say a proper goodbye.  It's like she's died.  There could almost be a BPD graveyard with tombstones (for still-living BPDs) where you could go once a year and drop some flowers and give well wishes.

Wow... .yeah... .
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downwhim
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« Reply #35 on: January 11, 2015, 05:54:55 PM »

An absolute NO!  This is for several reasons.  My family hate him and would not accept him again.  They would also turn against me if I had anything to do with him.  He hurt me more than anyone else in my entire life and I could never forgive him and would always have a little bit of hate in me for him.  The trust between us has totally gone.  I used to trust him 100% but the way he dumped me for the replacement has made me question everything about our marriage.  I could never trust him or believe him again.  Finally, my life is better in so many ways since he left.  I don't really think I was happy or could be happy, living the life he wanted (that we had).

However, sometimes I want him to contact me and ask for another chance.  I have this weird little fantasy that I could let him think we would get back together, wait until he was very happy about it, then dump him as cruelly as he dumped me, so that he could know what it is like.  I know I could never do this in reality.  I couldn't lie and pretend as convincingly as he did.

My sediments exactly. My family would be over the top if I took him back. And, I have the same fantasy, to hurt him back as much as he hurt me. Also, without sounding too dramatic, I would love the cops at her door (which is probably his door now) telling her to lay off the phone calls to me at 2:30 pm. What a ... .But, I hear you someday I want them to feel the pain they put us through.
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HappyNihilist
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« Reply #36 on: January 11, 2015, 07:34:08 PM »

In all honesty, yes, I would take my exBPDbf back... .and he knows this, too. So even though he contacts me every now and then, he never tries to reengage. 

We never broke up and recycled, so maybe it's just a matter of "needing" to see it again, with more opened eyes. Perhaps I only thought I hit bottom before. 

I don't have any expectations of change. He's certainly more self-aware than most pwBPD I read about, and had done a lot of therapy by the time we met -- from the stories, I don't think I could have handled him in his 20s! -- but the core issues remain. I realize now just how serious and potentially devastating those issues are. I'm striving for radical acceptance (I think it's vital for detachment as well as for a r/s), but eventually I have to ask myself, why would I even think of wanting this again?

And the answer is complicated, and it's simple, and it's mine to work out.
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patientandclear
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« Reply #37 on: January 12, 2015, 03:26:13 AM »

In all honesty, yes, I would take my exBPDbf back... .and he knows this, too. So even though he contacts me every now and then, he never tries to reengage. 

We never broke up and recycled, so maybe it's just a matter of "needing" to see it again, with more opened eyes. Perhaps I only thought I hit bottom before. 

I don't have any expectations of change. He's certainly more self-aware than most pwBPD I read about, and had done a lot of therapy by the time we met -- from the stories, I don't think I could have handled him in his 20s! -- but the core issues remain. I realize now just how serious and potentially devastating those issues are. I'm striving for radical acceptance (I think it's vital for detachment as well as for a r/s), but eventually I have to ask myself, why would I even think of wanting this again?

And the answer is complicated, and it's simple, and it's mine to work out.

This answer is making me amend my answer (above: no), to be more honest.  There are things my ex could say that would make me want to try again.  I would try again.  Since he is the master at finding the thing to say to get what he wants, and since he did want to reconnect, I guess I am just lucky he hasn't spun the dial to say the magic words yet.  The magic words would be words of insight and growth.  Unlike some of your ex-partners, mine has the hardest time voicing that there was every even the slightest smallest thing wrong with any decision he ever made.  So I know it's a stretch for him.  But if he figured out those were the magic words (something I have never even hinted to him BTW), the truth is, I couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least try to see if it was deeper than surface level change.
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Splitblack4good
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« Reply #38 on: January 12, 2015, 03:37:45 AM »

Yes, I'd take her back to the crazy store, show my receipt and demand for my money back.

LOL !
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drummerboy
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« Reply #39 on: January 12, 2015, 04:00:21 AM »

No way, she doesn't deserve my love.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #40 on: January 12, 2015, 04:21:24 AM »

In the state I am now? Yes, probably I would. Im 6 weeks out and I miss her like hell.

So its a good thing she doesn't want me back right now. I would say yes.
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Pingo
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« Reply #41 on: January 12, 2015, 09:04:32 AM »

In the early days, if he had been accountable for the abuse and I really felt there was a chance that with help he'd change, I would have said yes.  But after a lot of self-reflection and inner work over the past 7 mths, I realise we have very, very different values and even if he learned to manage the BPD, I would always be compromising my beliefs and values in order to be with him.  I got so caught up in the great way he made me feel in the beginning that I didn't really look at how very different our values are.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #42 on: January 12, 2015, 09:18:41 AM »

Still stick to my story. I miss her and I dont know why, but I wouldnt be able to survive another r/s with her.
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BPDGuy1
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« Reply #43 on: January 12, 2015, 10:50:59 AM »

I would rather have a pineapple violently inserted up my rectum!
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Frankcostello
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« Reply #44 on: January 12, 2015, 05:22:52 PM »

No I would not.  It took me a long time to heal from her cruelty.  I was angry at her for her betrayal.  I am no longer angry and my healing period is done.  I am in a much better (sane) place in my life.  I would be courteous to her but it would be a firm no.  I don't hate nor am angry at my exBPDgf but I would not want to deal with her issues again.
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Mr Hollande
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« Reply #45 on: January 12, 2015, 05:57:21 PM »

Not as a girlfriend, not as a friend. The access she once had to my life is denied permanently. I will never speak to or see her again.
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milo1967
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« Reply #46 on: January 12, 2015, 06:21:11 PM »

In my weaker moments, propelled by loneliness, three years after separation and one year after divorce, I still indulge in fantasies of my XW coming back. I miss deeply and profoundly all the good, and of course my family. But she really would need a brain transplant. Essentially she would have to have become the person who did not subject me to emotional torture; she would have to become the person who would not have been capable of it. So I sadly come out of my fantasy knowing that it is just that--fantasy, not based in reason or logic.

And even if she did become the person I wish she would be? And did all the right things for the rest of my life? I am so profoundly damaged by the ordeal that I would still be miserable with her and disgusted with myself for taking her back. 

So no.
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Mr Hollande
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« Reply #47 on: January 12, 2015, 06:37:25 PM »

In an act of self preservation I told everyone I know what it had been like with her including that she has BPD. Friends, family and work colleagues, everyone knows. By doing that I made her potential return, if not impossible then at least very awkward should my resolve ever be weakened enough to consider it.
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Tim300
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« Reply #48 on: January 12, 2015, 06:51:46 PM »

In an act of self preservation I told everyone I know what it had been like with her including that she has BPD. Friends, family and work colleagues, everyone knows. By doing that I made her potential return, if not impossible then at least very awkward should my resolve ever be weakened enough to consider it.

Same.
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billypilgrim
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« Reply #49 on: January 12, 2015, 07:20:16 PM »

Up until I went NC, I would have welcomed her back with open arms.  And that's only because I was still very much in the FOG.  Her talons pierced deep and my self worth was derived almost entirely through appeasing her.  Now that I've been NC for almost 2 months (2 months on Wednesday, woot woot), there's no way I would ever take her back.  I deserve far better, despite how long it has taken me to admit this fact.

Edited to add: I second some of the comments regarding telling folks about how things ended and her condition.  I didn't broadcast it to the masses but I told my family and friends.  I clued in some of my coworkers that had gotten to know her.  I've been careful with mutual friends (there weren't many given she doesn't have many close friends) but I think some of them have realized that there's more to this than just two people not being able to make things work.
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charred
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« Reply #50 on: January 12, 2015, 07:27:20 PM »

No, no way.

I did take her back about 6-7 times... and each time was worse than the time before. In fact I remember thinking "How bad could it be?" and imagining it being bad... and then I took her back. All I can say is... .I was off an order of magnitude on bad... every time it was so much worse than I thought it could be. Last go round... .I feared she was planning on killing me... some neighbors witnessed the commotion and said they thought the same thing.

So... in my private moments I might long for what was, and could never work, and will never be again... .but its over.

Accepting it was toxic and can NEVER work... is tough, but it has made my life so much better.
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Mr Hollande
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« Reply #51 on: January 13, 2015, 02:09:50 PM »

Something that entered my head and became a mantra was: I mourn what I hoped it would be but I don't miss what it was.
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charred
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« Reply #52 on: January 13, 2015, 04:32:22 PM »

Something that entered my head and became a mantra was: I mourn what I hoped it would be but I don't miss what it was.

That hits it on the nail head.

The entire relationship was egoic... false self to false self.

There was a dreamy quality to it... .which I now realize was a nightmare.
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EaglesJuju
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« Reply #53 on: January 13, 2015, 04:37:18 PM »

Staff only

This thread has reached its post limit, and is now closed. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are free to start a new thread to continue the conversation. Thanks for your understanding... .
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