How do I enforce keeping children in daycare?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

I received a message from my ex telling me they are expecting a child as she doesn't want that I hear it from her and not the kids on exchange day on Friday. She show no empathy as to the gruelling ordeals she excised during separation, chip custody and bankruptcy. I don't think she's concerned, I think she wants a reaction and rub my nose it. That's besides the point.

I have a concern with daycare and court orders as I checked the current order I don't have a clause ( apologies for incorrect terminology ) I ask this because of a previous pattern.

Last spring my ex had lost her job. Daycare was under her name. The way I understand this is a child holds a spot and in order to retain this spot certain requirements are to be met i.e. the child must attend a certain quota in time by month.

She wanted to take care of the kids on my time and remove the kids from daycare and I pay her monies intended for the day care directly to her. A supplemental monetary means for her due to unemployment, details as to why lost said job i did not ask. I do know she worked the odd job with > part time hours and wasn't holding the job down for long.  Well she did pull them out and I managed to straighten the mess with advice.

I work fulltime and I'm a single parent with D9, S6, S3.

That said, I suspected she was pregnant and now she's confirmed this. What worries me is the same previous tactic is going to be attempted again. I say this because she doesn't seem to learn from her actions and I find that she supplements income in several ways and telegraphs that she wants others to take care of her and parent her. Behaviors I witnessed in marriage and patterns outwardly displayed in seperation, albeit I'm not in the same house as her.

I fear she's going to try this again as she's going to go on maternity leave and stay home, this also gives her time with the kids on my time and again supplements income and with no real means to track. I think I have time or may not to finally put something in place to divert this and future attempts.

I pay child support through the government in a trust as it's tracked and not directly given to her. I have no idea when she's due ( 5th child 3 fathers ) and I have a feeling if this strategy is to work to really keep them in daycare, it requires modifications to the current court order if it's something that can be enforced in family court. Thanks for listening.

[Mutt]

Hi all,

I received a message from my ex telling me they are expecting a child as she doesn't want that I hear it from her and not the kids on exchange day on Friday. She show no empathy as to the gruelling ordeals she excised during separation, chip custody and bankruptcy. I don't think she's concerned, I think she wants a reaction and rub my nose it. That's besides the point.

I have a concern with daycare and court orders as I checked the current order I don't have a clause ( apologies for incorrect terminology ) I ask this because of a previous pattern.

Last spring my ex had lost her job. Daycare was under her name. The way I understand this is a child holds a spot and in order to retain this spot certain requirements are to be met i.e. the child must attend a certain quota in time by month.

She wanted to take care of the kids on my time and remove the kids from daycare and I pay her monies intended for the day care directly to her. A supplemental monetary means for her due to unemployment, details as to why lost said job i did not ask. I do know she worked the odd job with > part time hours and wasn't holding the job down for long.  Well she did pull them out and I managed to straighten the mess with advice.

I work fulltime and I'm a single parent with D9, S6, S3.

That said, I suspected she was pregnant and now she's confirmed this. What worries me is the same previous tactic is going to be attempted again. I say this because she doesn't seem to learn from her actions and I find that she supplements income in several ways and telegraphs that she wants others to take care of her and parent her. Behaviors I witnessed in marriage and patterns outwardly displayed in seperation, albeit I'm not in the same house as her.

I fear she's going to try this again as she's going to go on maternity leave and stay home, this also gives her time with the kids on my time and again supplements income and with no real means to track. I think I have time or may not to finally put something in place to divert this and future attempts.

I pay child support through the government in a trust as it's tracked and not directly given to her. I have no idea when she's due ( 5th child 3 fathers ) and I have a feeling if this strategy is to work to really keep them in daycare, it requires modifications to the current court order if it's something that can be enforced in family court. Thanks for listening.

[Nope]

It seems to me your biggest hurdle will be giving the court good reasons for why it's in the children's best interests to be at daycare instead of with their mom. Is there anything currently in the order regarding right of first refusal? If this means she would have the kids on your time, how would you be expected to get the kids for your overnights if she had them during the day while you work?

[SlyQQ]

Do the court orders say you pick up the kids from CHILD CARE on friday? grasping at straws here sorry Mutt

[Mutt]

No there's nothing in the current order regarding right to first refusal. An idea comes to mind, what's of extreme difficulty is time. For example she had threatened that I have the kids at her house at X time a negotiating a time. She often dissociates and changes the time and makes things difficult, regardless if I work or not. She has done this before the court order and it's stressful and near impossible to work with. What works are boundaries so Fridays either have to pick-up the kids @630PM.

When she threatened to pull them out ( on her time and they were put back in ) she did I have 2 emails fon separate days "Mutt, if you don't have the kids here at 0700 I'm locking my door!". S7, D9, are both in school, it's S3 I worry about most.

I'm calling an L today to see what she can or cannot do. I have time to strategize. Good for her she's settling down with her bf, it's not for me to supplement additional income because they struggle financially and he doesn't have a good job. I know how much it is to support a family of 6 and now she has a family of 7, she'll be not working for the next couple of years at the least, and whom knows how if she'll return. She worked maybe a job or two while with me and no longer than 3-4 months at one 1 job and the others she quit in a matter of weeks in 8 years?

This is the longest she's worked, she didn't have a choice, the bf wasn't supporting her like I was. It's besides the points, the courts look after monies for the kids and it's the holy grail. She seems to always know how to take advantage of this. If she can, she will. It's disheartening she may try to get more money out if me because of her situation, one they both chose. It's like shared custody and I have 100% financial obligations as if she's had sole custody, I'm scared her financial obligations will be non-existent. It's likely going to be this way and how many years of this? Baby 6, baby 7? With me she said she's absolutely nothing having other children and I didn't think she would, it was a foolish thought.

My kids should be with dad on his time and I understand courts don't always see it this way. She refused RTFR often and subsequently passed the kids off on family, friends on her time when dad was available. One would assume it goes both ways?

[ForeverDad]

Sorry, you don't have to pay a parent to take care of his or her children in place of daycare.  Yes, child support may kick in to some extent, but you don't pay for child care.  I think you can draw that line at least.  IMO.

This is her perception saying, "I got myself pregnant again, yippee, now I don't have to work... .even though most working mothers work until just before birth and then only take 2-3 months off work as family leave.  Now I have an excuse to get the other kids more and get paid too."

Sadly, the court won't care much about the morality of her having multiple fathers for her children, at least not officially.  And court may not be too worried about her viewing pregnancy as a reason to not work and scoop up the other kids.

In my case, my ex was an extremely possessive and entitled mother.  We had ROFR from 2008 to 2011, and I made sure the settlement included statement that daycare was considered the same as school.  Why?  We were just starting a 2/2/5/5 schedule where I had every Wednesday pm to Friday pm plus alternate weekends.  I knew she would want to claim our son on my time from end of school until I picked him up.  After all, she didn't work regularly so she was 'available'.   So I knew my parenting time would be challenged.  And it was.  But the order set the limits.

So are you doing alternate weeks?  Without ROFR allowing her 'when available' to take the children on your scheduled parenting time, then she should not be able to remove the children when they are in your care, whether with you, at school or at daycare.

Fortunately right now the children have school or maybe preschool soon for the youngest.  So at least she can't isolate the children totally.

My kids should be with dad on his time and I understand courts don't always see it this way.

I guess it depends, partly on the court's policies and partly on the order itself.  The court will go 'technical' when it wants to find a way to support a decision.  In my case, the court did support me having my parenting time without interference.  They didn't punish or give consequences but they did back my boundaries in the order.

She refused RTFR often and subsequently passed the kids off on family, friends on her time when dad was available. One would assume it goes both ways?

Yes it does.  But you don't have the Authority to counter her Entitlement.  However, court does.  But court won't get involved unless you make it get involved and make it decide.

[Mutt]

The curent schedule us 7 days with me and 7 days with her alternating. For example this Friday I pick them at 1830 and she picks them up next Friday at 1830.

There's no ROFR. It was a point I tried to push for and my L was terrible. He was the type if L that I'll get you shared custody BUT you follow my recipe and wouldn't hear of anything. I fought him and didn't lists to him and he quit and I picked up where he left off and finished Pro-Se because by the time he quit the majority if the details of the order was already hashed out, the things I was advised here I was able to put in the order with push back from my L. I wouldn't lists to him, he said "I don't see conflict" I told him "well you didn't live with her for 8 years did you?" ROFR was a detail Inlet go thinking you can't win every battle, this I'll have to get later.

It's a little different in Canada. The government will supplement 70% of her income to a maximum period of 12 months. Father's can share as well, you share the time. For example she could take the first 6 months and the dad claim the last 6 or 8 and 4, whichever way the parents want to wit it out. I understand a mom may return after 2 or 3 months, my ex will take the maximum and when were together she didn't return after 12 because "it's best for mom to stay at home" I'm measuring this from our last 3 kids and not the current baby, their financial circumstances may be different together. I'm not rich, I was making substantially more than her, and not so much today. The more I make really goes to her and diesn't benefit my home

Now the 30% she can reclaim that I guess if she wanted to by getting more support on top of the current I'm ordered. If there's a subsidy, or government supplement she's entitled to she will apply she's the type. If age doesn't have to work and she's enabled the chances are good she won't work. She guilted me many times saying "Mutt you are so controlling not allowing me to work!"

After I get my assessments in June, that's when we go back to court and they go by income from last year. Hopefully she claims more than the previous year. She claimed 17,000 for a year, single mom with 4 kids ( unbelievable you can support a household ) and I have to pay 70% of the government table for child support from last year. I didn't work holidays, nor overtime because my income increases. It was a VERY lean year having made 10000 less than I had the year before. My L said "don't work overtime because your child support will go up"

For at least a year, she's not going to work, I'm pretty sure and that will affect me going into 2016 the child support gets reassessed by the judge. What worries me is the little to no support from her for our kids. What's to say she doesn't have another child after maternity leave is over or shortly thereafter? Or, if she stays unemployed because it's best for baby of 12+ months and beyond is better at home than at daycare? The government can't force her to work and she makes people feel sorry for her that she has so many kids.

I can't control this. It is what it is. This is speculation and there was a pattern in my marriage the same pattern played out with D9, S7, S3 I just want to know what I'm in for. It's not fun supporting my household and a part of hers and it may be that I need to support her household more while mine suffers. If she needs money, she starts looking my way.

[ForeverDad]

You may not be able to force things, especially regarding her time.  But you do have more control over your parenting time.

• We have alternate parenting weeks, I do not permit her to remove the children from my daycare on my scheduled parenting time.



• On her parenting weeks... .little I can do but I do believe it best for the children to socialize with the other children at daycare while she works to maintain herself and cares fr her household expenses.  Government has provisions for family leave of 2 or 3 months around the time of the birth and afterward which I have no issues with.



• I see a pattern where she has children, now with a third father, in order to reduce her expectation to work and to maximize support from the fathers.  She ought not be rewarded for that.

Since there is no ROFR ordered, and she's likely to be working less for the next several months or longer, probably best not to seek ROFR?

[Mutt]

You may not be able to force things, especially regarding her time.  But you do have more control over your parenting time.

• We have alternate parenting weeks, I do not permit her to remove the children from my daycare on my scheduled parenting time.



• On her parenting weeks... .little I can do but I do believe it best for the children to socialize with the other children at daycare while she works to maintain herself and cares fr her household expenses.  Government has provisions for family leave of 2 or 3 months around the time of the birth and afterward which I have no issues with.



• I see a pattern where she has children, now with a third father, in order to reduce her expectation to work and to maximize support from the fathers.  She ought not be rewarded for that.

Since there is no ROFR ordered, and she's likely to be working less for the next several months or longer, probably best not to seek ROFR?

I like this. Perhaps no ROFR worked after all and I agree not seek it.

Yes she's having a baby and 2-3 months is good because it's hard after childbirth.

Beyond that? She has help, a bf, and two daughters helping out. SD16 and D9 both parentified. The bf comes home from work, naps or isolates himself playing Minecraft on the computer and mom goes put. D16 has a part-time job and often it's D9 that watches S7, S3 ( S36? ). That's 3 extra people.

From the sounds of it from a mutual friend that knows both families. He doesn't look excited becoming a dad.

I'm single, work full time and raise 3, it's long but you got to do the work. Please not at the expense of the most stable adult with the most kids with her.

They also need peers, a social environment to interact. I'll start with this and make some calls. It's a piece of mind. They need less exposure to the emotional abuse with mom and not be given more exposure at the expense of time that is mine and the benefits of before and after-school care. I need 50% of the time to do the work.

Foreverdad, thank you.

[maxen]

my L was terrible. He was the type if L that I'll get you shared custody BUT you follow my recipe and wouldn't hear of anything. I fought him and didn't lists to him and he quit

that's atrocious

[ForeverDad]

I need 50% of the time to do the work.

She gets 50% time, not much you can do to impact what happens on her watch.  However, you get 50%, fight to keep it and not let her sabotage it, the kids need you.

[Mutt]

my L was terrible. He was the type if L that I'll get you shared custody BUT you follow my recipe and wouldn't hear of anything. I fought him and didn't lists to him and he quit

that's atrocious

I was gobsmacked. I wasn't pointing fingers, blaming or any of that stuff.

I told him "All I want are boundaries appointed by the courts. Is that too much to ask?"

Lesson learned. Next time I won't hesitate to pull the trigger. I'll fire the L ASAP. Find a new one. I won't put myself through that again.

[Mutt]

I need 50% of the time to do the work.

She gets 50% time, not much you can do to impact what happens on her watch.  However, you get 50%, fight to keep it and not let her sabotage it, the kids need you.

I wholeheartedly agree. I can't control her time. I can be the catchers mitt and control mine. I spend time with them and don't hire sitters can't afford it. If I have a date for example I do it the see I don't have them.

They've really changed with validation and they're happier and closer to dad.

This is all speculation and I know her, it's nit about the kids or dad it's for her - $. I got the news on Fri about the baby I figure she'll stop working in the summer. I want to look at all the angles and I'm starting now.

Strategize to win.

I've beat her twice in court.

2010 - DV charges ( crown prosecutor dropped it )

2013-14 - Shared parenting order

I'll beat this again. She has patterns. A lot of bark little bite. The key with her is she's an emotional bully at the start of court right up until the end. Really scary stuff and tactics if you don't understand the psych.

A pattern I notice twice.

She doesn't like to face the judge. She has a dislike for authority. She'll take it right to the point of where the potential she has to deal with him or her. She stops, backs off and is like a scared child. Haven gone down this road twice, don't play into it, stick to the facts, the kids needs, conflict is secondary and be detached emotionally.

She concedes. That's how my ex operates - like clockwork.

[livednlearned]

Apologies for not reading all the posts, and maybe this was covered. (heading out the door here... .)

But you're in the motherland. Doesn't she get paid parental leave for a year? At least partial salary?

Do you think she will file to have this modified Mutt? If so, two arguments that the court might find compelling. One is that she filed false DV charges that the crown dropped. You want to minimize exchanges with her, minimize change for the kids, there has been enough already. Two is that there is no financial benefit to her staying home. She has a BF, he can take care of her now. Kids stay in daycare, you pay, the schedule has been determined and the kids have adjusted. Mom can stay home with baby, she'll have plenty of time to have kids with baby on her time.

You are smart to see how this will play out. Past history is a great predictor. She has already made a request to have the daycare money directed to her (will never happen). But you have a pattern. False allegations, trying to extort money, unstable work history.

Sorry that the baby news is firing up thoughts of court, Mutt. It's not fun. But you've done so well already, incredibly stressful to represent yourself under the circumstances at the time. It's a BFD as the college kids like to say. 

[Mutt]

But you're in the motherland. Doesn't she get paid parental leave for a year? At least partial salary?

Yes. 12 months of paternal leave if you work the alloted 600 hours required and your eligible to 70%. I can't recall what the maximum is, it's not terribly much and it helps.  

Do you think she will file to have this modified Mutt?

Yes.

I'll give an example. After she had left she got into a fender bender in a parking lot in a mall. She called and wanted me to pay $800 damage to get the van fixed. I said no, you have a bf and I'm your exH. I pay for the kids, it's his responsibility and not mine.

She asked me three more times to pay to get the van fixed times and each time I declined.

One is that she filed false DV charges that the crown dropped. You want to minimize exchanges with her, minimize change for the kids, there has been enough already. Two is that there is no financial benefit to her staying home. She has a BF, he can take care of her now. Kids stay in daycare, you pay, the schedule has been determined and the kids have adjusted. Mom can stay home with baby, she'll have plenty of time to have kids with baby on her time.

I hadn't looked at it this way. I've had a parenting order for over a year now. The kids have adjusted.

False allegations, trying to extort money, unstable work history.

I also didn't think of the separate incidents in their context. She lost her job. She said "Mutt, I'm starting a day home and I want to watch the kids. The kids come out of daycare and you pay me the money you would normally pay the daycare"

I said no.

I told her the kids are in a routine and are enjoying activities and spending time with their peers. The slots can be tough to get kids in daycare. There may not be an open slot. S3 goes to one and S7 and D9 go together in a  separate one together. Both within the same property with the same company. To get them all back in may be tough? What if, you find another job? Now everyone has to adjust around you again.

It makes logical sense that they stay and find a job and if your serious about a day home get licensed.

I go to daycare at the beginning of the month and the director said "Mutt, I'm sorry but your wife pulled all of the kids out if daycare. You don't need to pay. Did you guys not talk" I said " What?"

The anxiety, stress and fear I felt when she was threatening me for 3 weeks. I work and have the kids with me half the time. She doesn't work. What if I can't find a new daycare? Or they all can't can't get into one. I can't call into to work sick the week I have the kids. I'll lose my job. She had put me in a really tough spot for to have extra money on top of the child support I pay her. She was working a part time job, the money should have been close to what she was making employed. She has not worked a full time job that I know of the 10 years I've known her.

You're right. Extortion, unstable work history and false allegations.

Sorry that the baby news is firing up thoughts of court, Mutt. It's not fun. But you've done so well already, incredibly stressful to represent yourself under the circumstances at the time. It's a BFD as the college kids like to say.  smiley

Oh boy. Court was hard and stressful. I thought if I don't do this as hard as it is, if I fail I know at least I tried. I didn't want to regret not trying, they're my babies whatever it takes to protect them. Mom doesn't like dad fine, but let me have the kids too? My lawyer said " if it's too expensive to have the kids give the kids to mom " I said " No "

Thanks livednlearned. You're right it fired me up. I was thinking about our babies and then the pattern with not wanting to work popped into mind. I thought "wait this may be a problem for me"

What can I say? She moved out with no money ( $ from bank account, credit card - not terribly much ) no job and no place to live. Got up and left.

She managed to get subsidized housing and didn't work after she left. Every month she kept asking for more child support. Either bf didn't have a job, she didn't want to scare him off right away with the financial responsibilities of a family. This was cash I was giving her, she said I won't take you to court, we'll both pay money and you'll see the kids as much as you want. It was anything but. This was the landscape before I got here on bpdfamily June 2013 and she left Feb 21st 2013 those 4 months were hell. I have no idea how she survived for that first year.

I asked her how did you make it on 17000 you claimed in court with 4 kids?

She said "it was hard but so worth it to leave you" She had also recounted what her friends said " You did it! You left an abusive husband"

[livednlearned]

She has had you on your heels, and now with the new baby news, it probably feels a little like the old days.

All these things can add up to tell a compelling story, the one you want the judge to hear. False allegations, wrangling to get more money from you without going through the proper channels, pulling the kids out of daycare no discussion with you, unstable work history. And then the real story: Kids are in daycare with the same organization, they have adjusted, are doing well, the schedule has been in place for a year, it minimizes exchanges, and that will keep the two of you out of court. "Your honor, I don't want to be back here dealing with false allegations again. I want my kids to have exchanges that are low stress, and a stable environment with people they know and trust. The schedule has been good for them, they know the routine. It's great that ex wants to stay home with new baby, but that is not the time to be starting up a new business while the kids have to readjust. Establish the business for a few years and let there be stability. Right now, this is only a plan on paper and the kids need stability."

In the US, there has to be a "substantive" change in circumstances in order to modify the order. Maybe you can do some sleuthing to find out if having a baby is considered a substantive change. My guess is that it isn't, but you never know.

The key with court I think, is to convince them that you are genuinely focused on the kids. Which you are. But that means keeping telltale animosity toward ex out of the narrative. For example, if you think that she was not a good mother when the kids were babies, you can't really bring that up right now. It would be kitchen sinking her. Unless you raised that issue in the last motion.

Here, at least in my court, no going back beyond the last motion. I could only raise things that had come up since then.

[Mutt]

I didn't raise her mothering in court. I kept focus on creating boundaries and on the kids. I never attacked her directly in court.

Hearing this second hand like wrangling money makes me look at how real it is. I didn't think of it at the time and wanted to put it behind me - it's bad

I can't talk to her directly. She ignores requests - indifference.

I started to feel really good the last few months, I felt great. I have goals I want to start in 2015 and I'm excited. The dust felt like it was finally starting to settle.

This shows me, if it's not one thing it's another with her. Lack of impulse control, always some sort of drama. I can't believe I married her.

I have a third party service at work for counselling and legal advice. I made an appointment for both. It's been some time since I talked to my T and It'll help. I like him, we sync well. He's the one that suggested I get into counselling, it gives me a chance to question him about school. I'll see what the lawyer says, I'll retain a lawyer and perhaps finalize the divorce or move this in divorce court and deal with this there instead of family court and finally get divorced.

Kill two birds with one stone. It bothers me we're still married, something she had no respect for.

[SlyQQ]

I know this is radical Mutt but there are many similarities between the both of us I too am a single parent who ended up caring for three children s 8 step d 12 an step d 14 on break up ( only full time ) i had to fight an avo that was thrown out ( with very ugly accusations an actions)

My ex also wanted to have a baby ( despite being 44 ) imediately after we broke up (I think she she percieved it as way to glue the new family together though the exact oppisite would have occured ) my replacement was bi polar an ex bike an an ex heroin addict who had no idea about children both her children and our child refused to go with her an a man they had never met when her plan to dissapear with them an avo me fell through

It was very ugly but despite everything i tried to heal the wounds i insisted my son visit her on weekends ( when the bikie broke down an ran away ) and encouraged her children to maintain contact

I represented myself in the property settlement (due to finacial concerns and she had given up on custody of the children) after many tribulations with lawyers an three years it ended amicably I held out the olive branch many times an was repeatedly slapped with it I think finally she realized what i did was for the good of the kids an helped managed her own illness as well ( she started a new relationship with a decent bloke ) about ten months out from breaking up with me

this whole process took about three years in the end it has been good for all the kids is there anyway you can make a representation that you want to help an though your finacial recources are limited you could perhaps look after your 3 yo more ( the one potentially most vunerable to this situation ) it is likely after the new baby is about 18 months the cracks will start to appear an your ex will turn to you for help

you will be abused and slandered in the meantime but the long view may be best for the kids she will always be there mother ( My son has gone from saying she is not my mother ***** 's mum is my mum ( my son from a previous marrige mother ) to giving his mum hugs an kisses an loving her very much

Q999

[Mutt]

I'm sorry you had to represent yourself too. It's not fun. My L for the DV charges was good. I made sure I retained a good lawyer. It was nice to have him there explaining everything telling me to take it easy when I was nervous. By that time, I was with her for 5 years and had no clue what the heck was wrong. He said "there's something wrong with her" when he saw her in court and couldn't figure out the logic as to why she was charging me. She never let those dropped charges down.

I think I was anxious to move forward. The good thing I've had time to heal and I have the kids. The wounds were fresh and I didn't have the kids going through the difficult patch. At least this time I know what to expect and I've got gas in the tank.

That's what I'm worried about too. She may try to come to me. Every pregnancy her depression was worse and her PPD untreated and I was worried, each child it seemed like it was harder and longer for it to shake off.  She often had borderline rages. Our first big fight was when she was 4-5 months pregnant with D9 a terrible rail.

My S3's pregnancy it was very hard. I don't know how he'll last but he shouldn't of rescued a married woman. She's his problem. I knew when I got news of the second and third child the pregnancy was going to be hard for her and the family. I was the brunt of it as the kids often watched. Getting sworn at and attacked verbally while I'm trying to serve supper to the kids. I don't miss those days.

I get the kids Friday and I'll see how they are coping. I called tonight for S7's bday. I could tell D9 wanted to tell me something but mom was around. I just said I'll talk to you Friday.

I'm happy to hear your kids are getting along better with mom. D9's having a hard time. She gets frustrated and confused when mom dissociates and changes things. She doesn't like step-dad and I'll find out how she took the news about the baby.

Thanks for sharing SlyQQ, it really helps to hear it from others.

[livednlearned]

D9's having a hard time. She gets frustrated and confused when mom dissociates and changes things. She doesn't like step-dad and I'll find out how she took the news about the baby.

If she is already showing signs of codependency, she will be more worried about how you handle the news of the baby  :'(

[ForeverDad]

I'll see what the lawyer says, I'll retain a lawyer and perhaps finalize the divorce or move this in divorce court and deal with this there instead of family court and finally get divorced.

Kill two birds with one stone. It bothers me we're still married, something she had no respect for.

She has left.  She's having a baby with some other man.  No excuse to remain married, two good reasons to divorce.  It's up to you to figure out whether how you time a divorce makes a difference.

I mean, going through a divorce while your wife is having another man's baby may technically not make a legal difference but it might have some impact on the judge and other professionals?

[Mutt]

  I thought the news and timing for a divorce is right ForeverDad. She'll won't be able to hide the pregnancy by the time the proceedings start.