uBPD mother planning a visit after 10 years

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My uBPD mother is planning a visit for the first time in ten years. I actually went to visit her out-of-state back then, before I understood BPD, and she started up with the screaming and nasty behavior. I had resolved at that time to never go back. I have been LC since then. She moved in with a boyfriend, and she called on holidays or occasionally. I seldom called her during that time or maybe on a major holiday or sent a Christmas card. Honestly, I didn't want to deal with her at all since I left there ten years ago. Around two years ago, the boyfriend was killed in a car accident. Ever since that day, she has been calling me religiously once a week every week. The call always ends with "I love you," to which I say the same thing in return but I hate saying it and feel like it's fraudulent. I really don't feel like I love her at all. Recently, she found a new boyfriend, who is moving in with her in what was originally the first boyfriend's house. They may be planning to get married. They are planning a trip to his home state this summer, and will be driving through the state I live in to get there. I am concerned. I believe it's partly a ploy and show for the new guy to make it look like she is a normal person and normal mother. During the ten years, she asked me several times whether I planned a visit to see her again, and my answer was always no. She never asked why. Do you think I'm going overboard in believing that it's a ploy and show for the new boyfriend? I am concerned if she comes here that even if I try to limit it to a dinner or something, that she will try to stop by my apartment "to use the bathroom" or something like that like she did back in the 1990's when she came here. Have any of you had a uBPD try to visit after ten years in a situation of low-contact?

[CalledaPerson]

My uBPD mother is planning a visit for the first time in ten years. I actually went to visit her out-of-state back then, before I understood BPD, and she started up with the screaming and nasty behavior. I had resolved at that time to never go back. I have been LC since then. She moved in with a boyfriend, and she called on holidays or occasionally. I seldom called her during that time or maybe on a major holiday or sent a Christmas card. Honestly, I didn't want to deal with her at all since I left there ten years ago. Around two years ago, the boyfriend was killed in a car accident. Ever since that day, she has been calling me religiously once a week every week. The call always ends with "I love you," to which I say the same thing in return but I hate saying it and feel like it's fraudulent. I really don't feel like I love her at all. Recently, she found a new boyfriend, who is moving in with her in what was originally the first boyfriend's house. They may be planning to get married. They are planning a trip to his home state this summer, and will be driving through the state I live in to get there. I am concerned. I believe it's partly a ploy and show for the new guy to make it look like she is a normal person and normal mother. During the ten years, she asked me several times whether I planned a visit to see her again, and my answer was always no. She never asked why. Do you think I'm going overboard in believing that it's a ploy and show for the new boyfriend? I am concerned if she comes here that even if I try to limit it to a dinner or something, that she will try to stop by my apartment "to use the bathroom" or something like that like she did back in the 1990's when she came here. Have any of you had a uBPD try to visit after ten years in a situation of low-contact?

[clljhns]

Hi CalledaPerson,

I am concerned if she comes here that even if I try to limit it to a dinner or something, that she will try to stop by my apartment "to use the bathroom" or something like that like she did back in the 1990's when she came here.

From what you wrote, it sounds like you have good boundaries when mom is far away. Are you concerned that you will not be able to uphold your boundaries when mom visits? If this is the case, why do you think that you won't be able to tell mom that she needs to use the restroom at a travel center or gas station? Would you feel comfortable in telling mom that her visit will not include a visit to your home?

Wishing you all the best. 

[CalledaPerson]

Keeping boundaries with her is a lot easier from a distance. I can choose not to answer the phone. She is nice over the phone, I believe because she has no control in that situation since I can easily hang up. It’s also a short time period in which she can hold her temper for up to an hour. It’s a lot easier for her to engage in trickery to overcome boundaries when she’s here in person, and she does not feel obligated to be nice since getting out of an in-person situation requires more confrontation and complication. Always, the more trapped the other person is, the nastier she gets.

Here’s how it worked in the ‘90’s: I hadn’t seen her in person for several years, (although not as long as the current period of ten years), and she planned to stop by with the boyfriend and pick me up and tour the city. I told her ahead of time each time that since I live with my dad, that she was not welcome to come into the house, only to meet me outside. So each time she came here, she did not greet me with any kind of love, but would usually call about an hour out and screaming that she could not find the address. Then she would get here and come up to the door and just be nasty as hell and asked to come in and use the bathroom. Of course, she would look all around the house. So I can tell her anything, but she feels she doesn’t have to listen. Even if she agreed to meet at a restaurant or something, I am almost certain she would show up at my door. 

[Tim300]

I'm sorry that you're going through this.  Without having any additional facts, I suspect that your ploy fears are likely spot on.  I guess I would just try to keep it cordial and sweet and in a public place.

[clljhns]

Hi CalledaPerson,

So each time she came here, she did not greet me with any kind of love, but would usually call about an hour out and screaming that she could not find the address. Then she would get here and come up to the door and just be nasty as hell and asked to come in and use the bathroom. Of course, she would look all around the house. So I can tell her anything, but she feels she doesn’t have to listen. Even if she agreed to meet at a restaurant or something, I am almost certain she would show up at my door. 

Is it possible that you are willing to trade your personal needs to get a more positive reaction from mom, even the sense of love? From what you described, it almost sounds like a person who knows that they are not going to get their way, and so they tantrum until they do. This is very typical BPD behavior.

What if you set the expectation with mom that she would not be visiting your home on this trip, but are happy to see her at XYZ? Then, if mom does call spewing insults and acting belligerent, you can then cancel the visit with her, and wish her safe journey on her trip. If she doesn't have your address, then she isn't likely to show up at your door to force her way in.

Wishing you all the best. 

[CalledaPerson]

It's not exactly like that. The tantrum was about not being able to find the address after driving a long distance. She didn't even bring up my boundary of not being allowed in. She simply walked up to the door and demanded to use the bathroom. It was like my boundary was something stupid or not above her needing to use the bathroom, and I assume she felt like she had a right to inspect the house or thought it was no big deal. The whole thing happened very quickly. It caused trouble with my dad though, because he had asked me not to let her in. He said if she comes up here again and I let her in that he will kick me out or part company with me. (I'm actually in my 40's, but one of the hellish consequences of growing up in this environment has been an almost lifelong lack of independence from the enabling but nice parent). He doesn't want her here in our living space and I don't want her here either. She just doesn't view it as a big deal to violate what she seems to think is a small issue, but to me, it's huge, and I can't tell her that he has made threats about it. I don't want her here either, so of course I wasn't going to tell my dad he is doing anything wrong in his request. Mom already has my new address, since we sometimes exchange Christmas cards, and has told me she has viewed it online. The problem I have with agreeing to meet her at a public location or restaurant is, she might decide to stop by here unannounced at the last minute "to see how I am living." It might not be so bad except my dad does not want her here and has threatened to kick me out if I let her in. I can't risk her coming here, and if she's within 50 miles, she could wind up right here at my door.