Finally getting serious. Enough waiting to see something change that won't.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I feel like I've spent the last year waiting for my uBPDh to begin to value me instead of DEvalue me. I oughta have enough text messages from him that show me it's never gonna happen--the text version of his verbal tirades.

I talked to a lawyer. Got some paperwork to start filling out so I can know what sort of temporary spousal support I can expect. He's been doling out the money, having changed his auto-deposit of his paycheck to a new account that's only his rather than our joint account. This gives him the control he desires and cuts me off from being able to get access to OUR money, since yes, it is OUR money and not just his as he'd like to think.

He's done his best to make our grown children believe that it's his money and not mine, even though I've spent 38 years taking care of the household and the bills for most of that and doing taxes and raising children etc. etc. Fortunately i'm in California where the powers that be understand what "community property" means in a marriage, and gives credibility to the person who has been in the homemaker position. And I did work outside the home some and do foster care for a decade, so I've not been sitting around watching soaps!

Maybe i'll be able to live somewhere I can actually have room for my things. I've spent the last year living with one daughter or another then moving in with a "friend" who decided to take his side and rather than support and understand me judge me and find fault and kick me out (even though she could barely make ends meet when I was paying half) and now I've been rescued by very kind friends and am living in their "bonus room" (translate: 3 walled room, but we hung curtains for the 4th! )

Since i'm already struggling with fibromyalgia, all these moves with the packing/repacking/unpacking have been exhausting, plus they definitely add to the feeling of "in-between-ness" I have. And my uBPDh has said things like "i hate that you're sad and feeling displaced" and other sympathetic things like that, but he can still blame me for his life and convince others that he had no responsibility in the demise of our relationship of nearly 4 decades!

Life is crazy. i'm done waiting. Now to get paperwork done and let the lawyer get things moving.

[Elpis]

I feel like I've spent the last year waiting for my uBPDh to begin to value me instead of DEvalue me. I oughta have enough text messages from him that show me it's never gonna happen--the text version of his verbal tirades.

I talked to a lawyer. Got some paperwork to start filling out so I can know what sort of temporary spousal support I can expect. He's been doling out the money, having changed his auto-deposit of his paycheck to a new account that's only his rather than our joint account. This gives him the control he desires and cuts me off from being able to get access to OUR money, since yes, it is OUR money and not just his as he'd like to think.

He's done his best to make our grown children believe that it's his money and not mine, even though I've spent 38 years taking care of the household and the bills for most of that and doing taxes and raising children etc. etc. Fortunately i'm in California where the powers that be understand what "community property" means in a marriage, and gives credibility to the person who has been in the homemaker position. And I did work outside the home some and do foster care for a decade, so I've not been sitting around watching soaps!

Maybe i'll be able to live somewhere I can actually have room for my things. I've spent the last year living with one daughter or another then moving in with a "friend" who decided to take his side and rather than support and understand me judge me and find fault and kick me out (even though she could barely make ends meet when I was paying half) and now I've been rescued by very kind friends and am living in their "bonus room" (translate: 3 walled room, but we hung curtains for the 4th! )

Since i'm already struggling with fibromyalgia, all these moves with the packing/repacking/unpacking have been exhausting, plus they definitely add to the feeling of "in-between-ness" I have. And my uBPDh has said things like "i hate that you're sad and feeling displaced" and other sympathetic things like that, but he can still blame me for his life and convince others that he had no responsibility in the demise of our relationship of nearly 4 decades!

Life is crazy. i'm done waiting. Now to get paperwork done and let the lawyer get things moving.

[Deeno02]

Well done Elpis. You are just about the strongest person on here. Good luck to you! We have your back!

[Elpis]

Well done DF. You are just about the strongest person on here. Good luck to you! We have your back!

Now THAT is supportive, Deeno! Thank you so much. We're all just on different parts of the path, yunno?

For me there's been so much time of challenging the way I have looked at things to make them seem doable in my marriage. So i'd say it's been since my sister died 3 years ago this coming March I've been seeing my relationship for what it truly is and grieving it... .and it still took me 2 years after that to leave! Slow learner, i'm tellin' ya... .

[Deeno02]

Well done Elpis. You are just about the strongest person on here. Good luck to you! We have your back!

Now THAT is supportive, Deeno! Thank you so much. We're all just on different parts of the path, yunno?

For me there's been so much time of challenging the way I have looked at things to make them seem doable in my marriage. So i'd say it's been since my sister died 3 years ago this coming March I've been seeing my relationship for what it truly is and grieving it... .and it still took me 2 years after that to leave! Slow learner, i'm tellin' ya... .

Better slow than never. She did me the favor and I see it for what it is. We got this!

[vortex of confusion]

You are definitely an inspiration Elpis!

I can't wait until the day when I can leave. I hope it doesn't take me 38 years but, like you, I am a slow learner and I am going to hold on as long as I can for the sake of the kids. And, if it does take me that long, I will smile and think of you. :-)

What you have done with raising kids and taking care of the home for so long is invaluable!

Sending you some hugs of support!  

[Turkish]

Power to you, Elpis!

Maybe the uncertainty has caused you more stress, but now you have a goal, and a hint of closure. You're still a spring chicken, and have a life ahead of you to enjoy. 

[Pingo]

That is awesome Elpis!  You are taking the reigns on your life!  I agree with the others, you are a source of inspiration to me too! 

Did you get the turtle tattoo yet?   Make sure it's got a bit smile on it's face and a look of determination!

[fromheeltoheal]

Hallelujah!

[Elpis]

Hahahahaa! The turtle tattoo comes this next Sunday, on my sister's birthday. Her husband assures me she would think it pretty funny. A great remembrance.

Thanks for all the support. It's hard to finally jump off the edge of this marriage, but i'm so tired of allowing myself to be in the line of fire, so to speak. And i'll never understand how uBPDh thinks it's a winning strategy to harass me and call me names if he's trying to get me back.

"Spring chicken," eh Turk? i'm not sure i'd even make a good stew at 61, but I do have hopes for a calmer and happier future!

We'll all get where we need to be when we're ready to be there... .If last year was all about Clarity, this year is about Impetus for me--being shoved forward into movement!

[myself]

i'm done waiting.

Good for you. Like many of us here, you put in the effort and held back, with the hope it all pays off somehow. Now you'll see that it does, when the relief of this decision comes as you move that much further forward.

[Elpis]

i'm done waiting.

Good for you. Like many of us here, you put in the effort and held back, with the hope it all pays off somehow. Now you'll see that it does, when the relief of this decision comes as you move that much further forward.

I sure hope so, Songbook! I have to say the details of the whole thing leave me exhausted... .all the paperwork I need to gather, and figuring out what I would need to live on, and getting my stuff out of the house... .but step by step, right?

[letmeout]

Congratulations on reclaiming your life! I could have written your story myself a few years ago. It also took me 2 yrs, just to get out of the house after I made my decision to call it quits!

It sounds like your BPDh isn't as vengeful as mine was. He cashed in all our policies and hid the money (in Illinois they don't make them share what was also yours if they said they spent it all). Some legal loop-hole kind of thing... .

But all in all, I'm glad I am away from my crazy tyrant and life is SO much more peaceful now. I lasted 35 years and didn't realize how truly bad things were until I actually got away from him.  Three cheers for freedom!

[Elpis]

Congratulations on reclaiming your life! I could have written your story myself a few years ago. It also took me 2 yrs, just to get out of the house after I made my decision to call it quits!

It sounds like your BPDh isn't as vengeful as mine was. He cashed in all our policies and hid the money (in Illinois they don't make them share what was also yours if they said they spent it all). Some legal loop-hole kind of thing... .

But all in all, I'm glad I am away from my crazy tyrant and life is SO much more peaceful now. I lasted 35 years and didn't realize how truly bad things were until I actually got away from him.  Three cheers for freedom!

Badly done Illinois! i'm trying to get my stuff out and get copies of paperwork I need before he gets served, so we'll see what he's like when he gets served the divorce papers. It was oddly freeing to look at apartments in the local area to see what they would cost, knowing that in time I will have some peaceful space of my own. i'd agree though, it's been eye-opening to be away from him, seeing all the ways my complex ptsd sticks its head out at loud voices and pushy people and people who pout etc etc. And I find I even like to cook when I know he's not gonna be finding fault with every little thing... .who knew?

HIP HIP... .