Taking a break, looking for help.

[DavidPar]

Hi, My name is David. I have been in a relationship with a person diagnosed BPD for just over a year. Overall the relationship has taught both of us much, has helped us on our own goals, we have shared many experiencies, adventures, and I believe it has been a great relationship.

We have conflicts, and sometimes we fight. Usually about communication issues. While on a trip to another city, at about our 3 month mark, she told me she had been diagnosed with BPD, and treated with medicine years ago. She stopped taking the meds, she told me she felt numb and awfull with them. She took no meds while we dated.

Stress from external factors, such as college, work, family, would change her mood greatly. She had 3 self harm incidents during our time together, only one of which I believe was related to our relationship. Whenever she begins to feel bad, she wants to drink, or have sex.

Many conflicts during our first six months had to do with how I expressed myself, she would take great offense at some things, and question the relationship (How can I be with someone who would use such a term? How can I ever feel safe in your arms if you find that funny?). This kind of conflict I believe to be normal, I apologized at whatever offense she felt, I explained what I meant, and I have been more careful with words, and humor (not a fan of black humor) that I use around her.

In the last three months, we have had two discussions in which I raised the issue of how hurtful and agressive she can be on her period. Now, I am not sexist. I have been in other long term relationships, I have been with women on their period. And never have I been treated like this. I began to question remaining in the relationship. And our last fight about this issue, in mid January, was precisely about the way she treated me 2 or 3 days before her period arrived. We talked, and while she agreed that she had been hurtful, apologized and expressed that she did not mean it, and that we would do research or consult a therapist about it, she also expressed shock at me feeling that breaking up was an option.

After this it all went downhill. If I call too often, or not called enough, she attributes it to me wanting to break up. If I get upset about something, or expressed a comment that offended her, it is because I am trying to push her to break up with me. Finally, in the midst of this hostile environment, I overreacted to a text of hers. I took it to be an expression of how she felt, while she claimed she meant it as an exaggeration of how she would feel if the relationship were bad. I assumed that what she wrote was something she was feeling, I stated that if she really feels that our relationship is that way (like a boss and an employee), then it was unhealthy. Because it is not fair to her, and it is not who I want to be.

This happened last wednesday. We met to talk about it, and thursday night she told me to bring her stuff to my office and that she wanted to break up. I brought her stuff, and we met. We talked a bit, she kept evading and direct question. I stated what I felt were problems, how I wanted to tackle them, and what I wanted: I wanted to stay in the relationship, but we both had to get some external help. She hates going to therapists, and went to only one session in our year together.

That friday night we had a lot of fun, we played cards in a couple of pubs, barely drinking, at the end of the night before I dropped her off at ther place, she insisted in engaging in sex on the car. Saturday we met in the afternoon and had again a great time.

But on sunday, while I showered, she checked my email and facebook messages (something she did once at about the 6 month mark, to accuse me of having flirted with a girl two months before we started going out), and she read messages between me and a close friend, to whom I had disclosed we had broken up but were talking again.She was upset, and we talked. About our relationship, about what problems we've had, what has hurt us, what keeps hurting us. She only mentioned negative things, while I tried to strike a balance.  

Before when we discussed about her behaviour towards me during her pms, she agreed to have us visit a couples therapy session, but now she told me that she no longer cared enough. That she felt that getting external help, that trying again, it was not worth it. That while it was true that I took care of how I spoke or joked around her, and that that source of conflict happened less and less (from twice a week to once in two months without something I said being misunderstood), she didn't want to sit and wait for me to hurt her again. And that she felt breaking up was the best way we stopped hurting one another.

I told her I felt it was worth it to try again, that we could set a date, like a month, to check if our commitment to change held up, if we were doing something to improve our relationship, and she thought about it, and asked for a break in the relationship. She said she needs time to think and have some space, and that we'll talk another day. I dropped her off, we hugged.

The next day I had a flight at night to a different city, I am giving a seminar on a different city from tuesday to friday. I did not check facebook (which she uses extensively, an item of friction between us, no not for selfies or narcicistic behavior, she is addicted to candycrush, scrabble, trivia, etc.) just my work email. Yesterday I had a very short message, "hope you enjoy your trip" from her. I thanked her, and expressed that I hope she gets the space, the clarity and peace she wanted. I said goodbye, and archived the conversation so I wouldn't get updates on it.

I love her. As of course you all do or did love you  BPD other. And I do want to be with her, but I need us to work on solving issues. On going to couples therapy, or on our own side each going to a therapist (While I have not been diagnosed with anything, I know I am far from perfect, and I have gone to therapy about issues she has pointed out in me (about my humor, or if sometimes my tone is too agressive)) and I feel that the relationship needs both of us commited to actions. I do want her back, I miss her like crazy. But I also want to respect her. If she wants space, I want to give her space. But. After reading some articles in this page and in others, I understand that people with BPD may react differently to breaks in relationships than people without BPD, such as moving on much faster, or rebounding much faster, or reacting to the space as indifference and villanizing me, I am very worried. Every break I have, at night at the hotel, I am checking my phone to see if she has contacted me. I am struggling. I don't want to contact her until she is ready, but I don't want to wait untill it is too late. So here I am, desperately trying to understand her, trying to respect her, and trying to accept that without suffering too much harm.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

 

Hi! It sounds like you are in a tough situation.

It might be a good idea to start with the lessons on the side of the page to get a better understanding of your partner's behaviors.

Their behavior can be very confusing and very unpredictable. I have been married to my husband for 16.5 years and have been on this site for about 6 months. The tools on this site and the combined wisdom of the senior members has been invaluable for me.

What is the status of your relationship right now?

One of the best pieces of advice that I have been given is to work on myself. My partner may have issues but so do I. I can't change him but I can work on myself and try to figure out if I will be able to stay in a relationship in the long run.

Also, what is wrong with your humor?

[waverider]

 

One piece of advice I can give is that even though you will need to work on yourself do not compromise the essence of who you are just to appease.

She needs to know who you are, and deal with it, not have you constantly changing and mirroring her instability.

It may seem crazy but she will test you by trying to change you. She doesn't really know who she is, and so really doesn't know who she wants you to be, even though she may think she does at any moment. Moments pass and you are constantly left trying to play catch up.

[DavidPar]

Also, what is wrong with your humor?

Hi, thanks.

I think it is not so much my humor as how and where I display certain sides of it. I have done stand up comedy, I do consider myself to be very funny. But I have a very wide range of humor. I like tame stuff, moderate stuff, and really black stuff. From Monty Python to How I Met Your Mother to Sunny in Philly and Family Guy. A lot of stuff from Sunny in philly or black humor about sensitive issues is what she finds offensive.  When I talk about going to therapy and moderating it, I don't mind supressing or changing these elements of my life or taste. But rather to harness it and have control over them. Example if I am eating with a friend who is a priest, while I am atheist and find some religious jokes very amusing, I won't tell them to my friend, we will talk and joke about other things.

So I understand that that is a side of me which can hurt her if displayed too brazenly, so I don't make that kind of joke or comment around her, I save them for some of my friends who have that same humor.

She has written to me again, "I'm writing just to know if you are fine." I don't know whether I should ignore messages, answer them, not read them, etc. She asked for a break, but we did not agree on a duration for it. If I reply that I am fine and she is sensitive, she will interpret it as me not caring about the break. If I reply that I am not fine (I am not fine), she might interpret that as making her feel guilty, or as a kind of angry backlash for her proposing the break. I don't know what to say. I don't want to anger her, but I don't want to be sweet. I feel that being sweet could be interpreted as ignoring or demeaning the break she requested. 

[vortex of confusion]

I think it is not so much my humor as how and where I display certain sides of it. I have done stand up comedy, I do consider myself to be very funny. But I have a very wide range of humor.

I wasn't sure. I know that my husband sometimes has a problem with my sense of humor because he doesn't realize that I am joking. I know it isn't me because my kids will pick up on the fact that I am joking right away. He will sometimes think I am being serious and take it personally. Be sure that you are being sensitive rather than trying to change who you are to please her.

She has written to me again, "I'm writing just to know if you are fine." I don't know whether I should ignore messages, answer them, not read them, etc. She asked for a break, but we did not agree on a duration for it. If I reply that I am fine and she is sensitive, she will interpret it as me not caring about the break. If I reply that I am not fine (I am not fine), she might interpret that as making her feel guilty, or as a kind of angry backlash for her proposing the break. I don't know what to say. I don't want to anger her, but I don't want to be sweet. I feel that being sweet could be interpreted as ignoring or demeaning the break she requested. 

Have you had a chance to browse through any of the lessons?

I know you are confused as to how to respond. If you weren't worried about her reaction, what would you say?

[waverider]

Any good comedian needs to be able to read their audience, otherwise you are simply amusing yourself and not your audience.

It is the core of good communication. Saying what someone else either needs to know or is interested in. Anything else is just indulging your own desire to communicate.

We all do it to some degree, as we are pandering to our needs. Most people accept this, pwBPD are not as tolerant to our needs, hence the reason it becomes a bigger issue than normal.

I tame it down out of consideration, but dont eliminate it, as i have a need to be me and I have my need to speak, joke and generally express myself, as that is who I am. It is about striking that balance.

Consideration without selfmuting