Anyhoo…
SET is a communication tool. It could be used at anytime with anyone…it’s not just for ‘pwBPD’.
When someone feels truly emotionally validated, it usually feels good, whether or not you have BPD. But not if it feels clinical.
Sometimes I’ve seen a person on this board who sounds like they actually have a partner with more NPD for whom validation just pissed them off more…even if done well…I think that’s more an NPD thing…but a pwBPD or the like (and most anyone else) tends to respond very well to well done emotional validation.
I think it is a mistake to approach a person with ‘tools’ that feel clinical or have been positioned as needed just for ‘them’ bc they ‘have a disorder’. (I am not saying you are doing that…it just sounds like that may be the case, and it’s pretty common.) Also, we all sound sort of weird and clinical when we start using new communication tools….until we get the hang of it…and that can be really off putting to a partner at first.
Also, no one likes being THE IDENTIFIED PATIENT…even those who actually have a formal diagnosis.
If you are in a partnership, it is more helpful to keep the focus on yourself, your own side of the street, your own boundaries and goals, your own mental health, improve your own communication skills b/c they are helpful in all walks of life, both giving and receiving, getting better at taking good care of yourself etc., …than to turn the focus on another person and how they need to change or get dx.
Even if he got a diagnosis…it’s not a cure. You still have a complicated person on your hands, that you are trying to relate to. You both impact each other.
This is extremely true as well in my relationship. I read a lot of things off here for a while. I tried to implement many things as well with very limited success. The moment things started working. They sort of 'clicked' more often and often is once I worked on myself.
Simply validating my uBPDbf just for the sake of calming him down is probably the most futile effort I can endure. He recognises it right away and it escalates the situation even more. If I blame the BPD for his behaviour, same effect.
It really hit me one day that I'm not here to 'fix' him or diagnose the BPD symptoms in him. I'm here to be his significant other. And that's an extremely taxing role to take on. Which is why I have to take care of myself.
When he is behaving well, and has just enough openness, he admits himself that his emotions are extreme sometimes and he doesn't always treat me well. But if I try to connect a specific situation to that same description, he gets extremely defensive and points out how all of those were my fault anyways. It's a very delicate road to tread on.
So I don't. I focus less on the BPD and more subtle NPD and I focus on really understanding what he's experiencing.
In a way, you have to take on his filter of the world without identifying with it yourself. If you really understand where his anxieties and anger comes from, you have the greatest tool ever. You have empathy for how difficult it is for him and you can deal with it better. Acquiring any of the skills on this forum for dealing with a BPD are skills for dealing with anyone in reality.
To give an example. I used to be late to meet up with him all the time. To me it didn't seem like a big deal. To him it was the end of the world and proof that I was 'useless' and didn't care about him.
Then one day it clicked. When I'm late, he feels like he can't count on me, he feels such extreme disappointment that he can't handle. He then associates me with all the people in his life that have severely disappointed him. He regresses to a child-like mentality of me being the evil monster that is out there to hurt him. He backs this up in his own head with bulletpoints of 100% certainty evidence that I don't really love him. That I'm liable to leave him. He can't handle that. He becomes void of positive emotion and it all turns into rage.
I could see it. Through every word he uttered. Through his body language.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't do that. I should not disappoint you like that. It almost seems like I don't really care about you. That everyone/everything else is a priority over you. Whereas you put me at the highest priority."
And I could instantly see him soften up. These weren't magic words. But they showed that even an ounce of me understood his plight. And that made a difference.
My point isn't that he's right. He perceives things differently and you have to acknowledge those differences even if they don't make any logical sense to you. You have to take them under consideration every time you talk to him.
You won't always be successful, unfortunately. But every time you are it's another opportunity to decrease the toxicity of an exchange. And again. This can be applied to any situation with any person. Understanding their reasoning and discomfort goes a long way in more effective communication.
