I'm done.

[Married2monster]

I came on here to see if what I was dealing with was a unique case or if I'm in denial that he is just a really horrible human being.  One therapist said he has a cluster, a handful say BPD and most say what does it matter?  He has been tested so many times.  It's a cluster to me.  No one ever wants to hone in on any of it.  DBT is absolutely necessary, but you can't drag a horse to water can you?  It frustrates me that there are partners out there that apply themselves.  He has the materials and the time.  Just won't do it. 

I broke last night.  It's the same pattern for YEARS.  I've been drowning with my son's health issues, so it's all just one big blur to me looking back.  The one thing that stands out is the pattern.  Over and over and over.  Episode of abusive behavior-I react-I lay down boundary-he sends me one or two attempts to reach me through text-I hold the NC because he's not putting real effort in-he completely stops trying in a matter of days and disappears-I lose it-now he's got the power.  We are married, I do expect contact daily... .?  It's like he got a free ticket being a monster.

I realize that there is literally nothing in eight years he has ever done but live a completely separate life from me.  Everything that happens is swept under the wrong with "I will apply myself to DBT"... .never happens and it's never going to happen.  Keeps me hanging on a hook with how much he loves me.  Love has to show SOME action doesn't it?

Hardest part has to be walking away knowing what I've done to myself.  I should have pulled plug a long time ago but circumstances were impossible.  It's still terrifying because of the situation I'm in but I'm going to have a heart attack or stroke if I keep this up.  My health is terrible. 

Now what?  I just pretend I'm not married, because I technically I have been alone for eight years.  We have never really been together, but oh does he beat that drum hard for how badly he wants it.  He continues living life without me like he always has.  He doesn't have to put on a show to keep me under his foot once a month or so. 

I have no idea what I'm facing and I've been holding on in fear of this.  It's a long story but as I am a survivor, I have some huge challenges to make it on my own with the kids at this point.  (Which is really mentally taxing when he tells me over and over he will never leave and I never have to worry about money)  I don't think he will cheat just yet or look for someone right away but when the opportunity is there... .it's on.  He has treated me so horribly and could care less for my well-being.  It terrifies me what he would do if he met someone.  My fear is he will leave to another state.  With the paychecks and I would have no idea where he is.  I truly believe he is capable of anything.

Here's to hoping he cares enough to do the right thing and let me get on my feet.  I'm not holding my breathe there.  I've been battling such a massive depression that keeps pulling me under.  I'm on meds but circumstances keep knocking me over.  I'm so pathetically weak compared to what I use to be.  I had a life.  A big one.  A high profile life.  A successful meaningful life.  There were things that made me tick... .things he knew made me tick.  None of it matters to him.  He doesn't even know who I am and has no empathy for what I've lost.  When I think of how cold he is; I just freeze.  I've gained 45 pounds.  Like I said, health is bad.  Bad enough I'm in danger.  I've lost opportunities I won't get back because window has closed with my age with career I had.   I was on the right track and had been on that track for many years before him.  I blame me.  I know I sound like I'm playing victim and to a certain extent I'm sorry, but there is a lot of manipulation and lying... .hence having to protect ourselves.  Anyway, I'm letting this out more to help me let go and heal than have a pity party.  Investing as much as I did... .it's horrible to realize it was for nothing but pain.  Kids LOVED him but he's let them down too many times.  My life is upside down in every way but I HAVE TO figure it out.  Can't keep going like this.  I'm a mother first and foremost hence one of the reasons he COULDN'T live with us.  He pushed himself out in the beginning then it was him with me agreeing 100%.  "I love you!  I REALLY do!  I will get help and be the husband and father I should be!)  Years later... .

I told him I'm done.  I told him he will never see me again.  It's awful when absolutely nothing you do or say matters to them.  I can't believe him anymore.  I'm just being chipped away to nothing.  He's fine.

Thanks for input and support guys.  I don't know if I'll be on here or not.  It's nice to see I'm not the only one but I don't know... .I'm more afraid and empty then I am sad about "us".  I stopped putting my heart out there a long time ago.  Even still... .I'm a human being and being treated like you are less than dirt... .it's impossible to not be sad in that.    I can't give this guy one more ounce of me or my energy.  He just dissolves it. 

Just for my sanity I have to   this up.  Before he had the "convenient" job out of state last few years, he pushed himself out of every possible situation to be away from me.  I'm absolutely not kidding when I tell you he lived in his car from time to time.  He has stayed in homeless shelters.  He felt he deserved it, he would say.  Or he made things so bad at home I couldn't have him there, but those were the places he went to winter or summer.  He didn't want to take money from "the family"... .?  Put that in your mind blender and try not to think he actually cares.  It always blew my mind!  I remember a Christmas (he's NEVER been a part of any holiday and has set me up on occasions like my birthday to only completely neglect me... .by never calling or showing up.  Break her and you have control right?) where he pushed himself out and I had to drive him to a homeless shelter because there wasn't one in the small town we were in at the time.  He insisted.  He said very casually "Too bad I can't be there for Christmas" as if he were going to Europe for business trip!  No big deal to him!  I LOST IT.  It was so mind-blowing how much he didn't care for the family's feelings and at same time just fine and dandy.  As long as he could be away.  But the rub, the guilt-trip for me is he isn't taking money away from us.  That's been the big confusion for me.

He left me in a hospital bed after surgery hostile and never called.  No family there, no friends... .no visitors.  When I returned home for him to "take care of me" I couldn't walk for two weeks.  He ignored me.  He stayed in the bathroom I later found out with porn and a bottle of whiskey hidden.  I look back at the pain I was in and him seeing me cry... .

I do understand the fear of intimacy to the highest degree BUT I also see a brat who doesn't want to be accountable.  If he ever has to "deal" with anything he loses it.  Complete tantrums.  I have taken A LOT or pretty much everything personally before I understood he really has serious issues.  (He WAS everything I dreamed)  Even still, abuse is abuse and if he is more comfortable in horrific conditions I don't know what I can do anymore.  I know I might seem cold or it might seem like he is really suffering (which he very well might be... .doubtful when I hear the good times he has on my watch of misery) but I cannot take the abuse and neglect anymore.  He has raged on me so many times and has walked so many times I can't see "a good guy" in there at all at this point.  He's colder, meaner and as much as he puts us first financially... .he comes first in everything else.  I'm being held hostage by finances while he keeps pulling me through his lies and making me feel sorry for him.  Not making, I DID feel sorry for him.

My theory?  He really is waiting this out.  It's too much emotional responsibility for him but he absolutely has to have someone else before he can let me go. 

It's funny when I think it's in my control I should be able to fix it.  Makes it seem do-able.  It's not.  It takes two.  I can't keep putting corks in the holes he is putting in our boat.  He's relentless.  I have tried to just "play the game" to maintain peace so I can sock money away to divorce in future.  He CAN and HAS completely ignored me for weeks at a time and we are suppose to be "a family" how in the world can you feel like you have any stake in control when they can create that much distance?  It's just getting worse.  I have been in hospital, you name it... .he is not there. Then I'm just living in fear every day and every night wondering if he will contact me and what he is doing.  THIS IS MADNESS.  I would love to be able to "play the game" but he won't let me on the field.  So I give up.  I've blocked my phone.  Makes me mad because it has to be a huge relief for him!

You know what I won't miss?  Having situations where I am so down because of something serious non-related to him and he is there in promises and words of love like you wouldn't believe.  The concern is what a husband should express.  It's perfect.  Then... .as soon as I relax because I need him; he turns everything around and rages on me.  It's now about him.  EVERY SINGLE TIME.  Ultimately I could be near death and I feel like he'd be golfing.

Take care and good luck everyone.  I might be back on if anything changes or he throws me a curve.   

M2M

[Ridingthewaves]

I can so relate

I was there 4 weeks ago - the place of WOW I cant take this any more if I do I will die... .and I did end it 

It was very hard the first few weeks, major void, and also the same horrible feeling of knowing that on some level he was happy that I walked and maybe even provoked it... .made me do his dirty work... .and that he would likely replace me within days ( he was already trolling for women)... .but ... .its not about him, its about me... .do I want that dynamic in my life? Do I want a guy that lies, hides, gaslights, triangulates, gets my hopes up, then lets me down, leaves whenever we get close for days and weeks on end... .then I have enough, returns and revives it all... .just to do it all over again?

Three weeks NC later, I am feeling good and happy to be trauma free and, as you said, I pulled out my heart a while back, because he could not be trusted with it, so the grieving process is going fast... .past few days I have been happy, listening to music, hopeful for the future, realizing how much of me got lost in a relationship in which ultimately I was getting very little - but stress.

We get trapped in these dynamics and some BPD-er may be willing to work through their stuff, but others are way too narcissistic and get way to much of a rush from the power and control to attempt healing... .a little further along on the spectrum, towards the narc and sociopath end... .it is really ok to walk away if all you are getting is more of the same and it always ends up with you on the floor bleeding and them walking away without a care in the world.

Take care of you... .you are capable and bright... .you will find a way to take care of all practical issues... .often fear is bigger than reality... .and reality as tough as it is may not be as hard as dealing with a person that repeatedly abandons you and triggers the re-living of so much pain... .


Much love and encouragement 

And btw you are tired, not weak... a few months away from the madness and your strength and health will return... .

All the best on your journey

[DiamondSW]

Totally agree with the comment "you are tired, not weak"... .

It''s been over a year for me and it's taken every second of that time to get my energy back and slowly consider and evaluate what I went through with my BPDexgf.  The lies and statements from her were so proposterous, so ridiculous and so convincing (mainly because she screamed them at me like a never ending record), that I lost who I was and what I took into the relationship before I met her.  I was exhausted.  Shattered emotionally and physically. 

A year later, I'm well and my life is fresh and new.  Was she a 'horrible human being?'... .well, there are many on this site who have compassion for the BPD in their life.  They quote medical advice and advise to move on and forget.  I personally find that spot 50:50 in the middle between hatred and forgiveness... .which strikes me as the 'healthy' place to be (ie:  not borderline one extreme or the other). 

Was mine a 'horrible human being?'  Yes. 

Was she very x1,000,000 sick.  Yes. 

Do I forgive her?  semi. 

Am I better off without her?  YES. YES. YES.

How do I know this? ... .I'm no longer tired or being abused. 

Eight years is a long time to be in such unhappy circumstances.  But it's just 10% of a full human life.  Don't be told what you can and can't do by anyone.  It's not true... .  if you were a successful and positive person before you met the BPD one, there is nothing stopping you becoming that again.  It just takes time and stopping the abuse.  They will not change.  You will xx

[Ridingthewaves]

I hear you on the semi-forgiveness. Not fully forgiving is what is helping me to move on. I will forgive later, in a few years , when I am fully in the clear. In the meantime, the anger is helping me reclaim myself, set a boundary that looks like a wall and move forward. Bad stuff happened, I got injured repeatedly for 2.5 years... .  do I have compassion for his messed up self, yes I do. However that compassion was keeping me in the relationship, making excuses for the bad behavior ... .so for now the anger is the fuel that takes my speed boat out of the docks onto another shore.

Also on bad behavior and excuses. I was abused as a child - severely so. But, when I was in my early twenties after 2 years of depression and behaviors I was not happy with, I decided to go see a T. I stayed in therapy for 6 years and worked my stuff on a daily basis and exited as semi normal human being (minus the propensity to date people who will abandon me). One of the reasons I entered T was that I could see that my behaviors were affecting others in a negative way. That is I made a choice. A lot of these people have a choice too. SO its not all about mental illness, some of it is about not caring enough about how behavior affects others - and you could say the lack of empathy is mental illness too. And if so, so be it. But I am kind of tired of extending all this compassion. Part of me feels people should be held accountable for their behaviors, mental illness or not, and that maybe that would land them into a wall sooner. Which would help them crash and burn so that they need to get help. This is a very new way of thinking for me, I have been one of the worlds most compassionate and worst enablers. But I am not feeling as accommodating these days.

Also ... .we put up with all this stuff ultimately because 1- we hope they will change so we can get what we need. 2- We get sucked into dynamics that are so triggering for us that we lose balance and start behaving like crazy people ourselves and our inner child thinks that they are the only people that can fix it, make us feel better , etc. That is if he would just show up, be there , do this or that... .then we would have peace, love and all would be ok. But guess what, this kind of person most often cannot do that, they just dont have the tools, so we get stuck in a rut of pain that begets pain, trying to squeeze blood out of stones, hoping for a magical solution that never comes, getting more and more out of balance, until our own lives crash and we cant cope.

In the cases in which the significant other really cant shift, its about understanding that - they just cant change! - and then doing what it takes to get out, with as much as the self intact as possible - taking care of the multitude of injuries - remembering who we are - and rebuilding. Taking care of the very distressed inner child that is just so massively hurt is a must or that inner child will land us right back into the relationship.

Taking care of that inner child to me looks like this - dear inner child, this man is not good for us, he will never give us what we want, and its time that we protect and go elsewhere. You are lovable, he just cannot love. There is much more love out there in the world for you: friends, family, therapists, trees, birds, nature, your cats, your neighbors - the world is full of love... .there just is not any here. And so I am going to protect you and move you away from this place in which love comes with razor blades that cut you, with games that confuse you, with words that wound you and with closeness that then gets suddenly taken away, so that you scream as if someone ripped your heart out. Its time for us to go to a place where love is safe and soft and feels like warm blankets and not like an Indian bed of nails. The world is also full of new beginnings, new stories that you can weave, if you just can let go of this one, you can pick up your pen and write a much better story, with a much better role for you. So, let me hold you while you cry inner child, as I know you loved him tenderly, but also let me take you away, to a place far from here, where you can find solace for this story  and start anew.

Ultimately, for me, this is a journey about radical self love - self love that says I will not be injured, I will learn to keep myself safe, I will learn to protect myself, I will learn to stay out of harms way - all the things that my mother did not do for me as a child, where she allowed for my step-father to abuse me, and told me to understand that he did not mean it and was just having a hard time. Btw in hindsight I think my stepfather had BPD - so the apple does not fall far from the tree - and stories repeat if we dont heal them - and abuse gets passed down the generations - unchanged ... .so time for the abuse to stop here... .and for new ways of loving to be born... .that dont require the endurance of untold amounts of suffering.

Thank you for letting me write all this out. I needed to write this down.