Reassure me please...

[Ginger Head]

I really need to know how OK it is that I do not let my sister live with me and my daughter. She is currently hospitalized and wants to be discharged back to my home. I don't want her here but I feel so guilty.

[losthero]

It is your right to decide whom you  allow in your home.  You must feel your sister is unhealthy for you and your daughter to be around.   You didnt say how old your daughter is.  Either way its good to have boundaries and to show your daughter how to set them, even with loved ones.   

[HappyChappy]

Totally exceptable. It's your home, no one elses. You know what's best for you and your daughter, and if you don't look after you and your daughter, who else will ? You should have no guilt, but if you had a parent with BPD, then guilt is instillent within us. Doesn't mean it's appropriate guilt. 

[Ginger Head]

Thank you both so so so much!  My daughter is 12 and this has certainly had an effect on her and I won't even let her have friends spend the night with sis here. That is going to change! A lot is going to change. I'm so glad I found this site.

Psych hosp counsellor called me today and I'm pretty sure she is being dx with BPD as her recommended tx is DBT!

[Anna Butterfly]

It took me a very long time to learn this, but I want to reassure you that you should not ever ever feel guilty for making a decision in the best interest of yourself and your children.  That is priority 1.  Your sister is an adult, and although she is going through a difficult time, she has resources available to her and she is not your responsibility.

I have seen the consequences of what happens when people have options other than hitting rock bottom and getting help.  In many ways you are helping your sister by no longer allowing her to live with you because now it is clear she has a problem and is getting professional help.

It doesn't feel good, but sometimes it's the right thing to do - for everyone involved.

Hang in there,

-Anna

[Ginger Head]

Thank you so much Anna!

All of the encouraging words are keeping me strong in my decision. I did talk to my sis on the phone yesterday - she is still in hosp - and had to repeat multiple times my resolve that she cannot live with me. I assured her I was not abandoning her and that she could do her laundry at my house and have dinners at my house and we could shop or go to movies together. I am not banishing her from my life - she just cannot live in my home. We will see how that amount of contact goes.

The psych resident also called me this morning and confirmed the dx of BPD. I  if she had been informed and he said yes. I wondered yesterday during my phone conversation with my sis because of questions she was asking me if they had already told her. She was trying to find out if I knew. Next I'm going to have to tell her that I have thought for almost a year that she has BPD. Don't know how that is going to go. The plan to discharge her early next week with plan for DBT counseling and they are looking for housing for her.

Thank you for the encouragement!

[Pou]

I really need to know how OK it is that I do not let my sister live with me and my daughter. She is currently hospitalized and wants to be discharged back to my home. I don't want her here but I feel so guilty.

It is perfectly normal to feel guilty and in my mind, I think you ought to experience that feeling.  But I also think at the end of the day, it is your choice and you only have to explain to yourself.  To alleviate your guilt feeling and also be a good sister, perhaps you just have to help her finding an alternative solution …. and try to keep engaged in her well being.  Again, at the end of the day it is your choice … but you would at least feel better if you help her find a solution to her problem.  It will be up to her to take it or not... .