New Drama - so tired of this.

[Waddams]

okay so here's a new one that just cropped up today.  I'm in a venting mood, so there's a bit of an edge to this post.  Hopefully everyone can interpret the lines that I'd be putting in the sarcastica font if such a thing existed.

Background:  

SO's brother is a drifter, homeless.  He's also an absconded sex offender.  He had sex in his mid-20's (20 years ago now) with a 15 year old girl that claimed she was of age.  then her parents found out, and turned him in. The original arrest date was over a year after the listed date of the incident.

He then ended up initially in a reduced sentence based on a downward departure from standard guidelines where he'd just be on probation and if he completed it he'd be clear of it all.  Enter not passing drug testing and he got hit with the probation violation, the deal rescinded, and a few years in jail.  Then he did another stint of a few years for failing to register as a sex offender properly, failing to move away from a home daycare, something.  I don't know the exact specifics, but after his last visit some 10 months ago, or so, and some cryptic comments made by his family I've overheard, I did some Google-fu and found the case records online from the County where he was originally arrested.  The records laid it all out pretty clear.

A few years ago, he was in trouble for again not registering properly and was about to be put away for a long time.  It was gonna be his 3rd felony and the state has a 3 strikes law.  He absconded.  He's been drifting and hiking around the country ever since, and just living off the grid so to speak.  

And he just popped up in our town, living in the woods behind a Walmart, with a broken leg.  Prior to this, the last time we'd seen him was almost a year ago when we dropped him off at the trailhead of the AT so he could attempt to through hike the whole thing.  the last time we'd heard anything of his whereabouts was 6 months ago or so, when he'd been picked up by EMS in a ditch, drunk or high, and taken to a psyche ward for a 3 day eval in Virginia.  There was lots of drama in SO's family about it, wondering whether they would figure out who he really was, etc.  I remember SO getting mad at me for saying I didn't want in on the details, I wasn't going to be involved in the situation, and I'd rather go watch a football game that was on.

This morning SO called me, filled me in on it all this morning, and goes to pick him up and take him to the hospital.  

My first thought was for her to call 911 and tell them to go get him, but she wouldn't.  There's more homeless in those woods.  It's not safe.  She's worried they'd find the warrant for him and arrest him.  Which to me would be great.  Not nice of me, but I'm being honest in how I feel about it.  He's not a purposeful predator, but he is unstable, an addict, and a wanted felon to boot.  

Apparently she managed to arrange to meet him in front of the Walmart and picked him up, and took him to the ER.  Now she wants to stick him on our couch... .for just a few days.  In the past when I've said no or that I didn't like something that was serious, she's ignored and done it anyway.  There's no way I want this guy living in my house.  I don't want to be paying for feeding him and taking care of him, and harboring a wanted felon.  He's got drug and alcohol issues, and I just want no parts of this and I want no part of this situation in my home.

At the same time, she's got rights as an adult resident at the property and can bring in guests, and she's doing it while she knows I don't support it.  So time to hide my valuables I guess.  I just got off the phone with her and she's not happy that I'm not supportive of her in this.  Newsflash, people are not entitled to be supported when they make idiotic decisions.  I don't want this kind of risk in my house, around any of us, but most especially myself and my S10.

The only other thing I can think of to do is to turn him in.  Honestly, I don't think he is a predator type dangerous person.  But he is dangerous from a standpoint of being an addict and mentally unstable.  He needs to go to a shelter and get in a program.  But they run background checks on everyone that comes into rehab programs like that, and I know he won't go because of it.  Better yet he needs to turn himself in.

Any other options?  I'm brainstorming ideas here.  Also considering reaching out to the rest of his family, but they've not taken him in before. Ugh.

[rarsweet]

I would turn him in , if he has a warrant you could be charged for helping him, also to knowingly allow a sex offender in your home with your child could open you up to charges, let alone what could actually happen.

[patientandclear]

I'm missing what he has done wrong other than be hyper criminalized for having sex with a girl who was barely under age. Sounds like that has largely ruined his life. Maybe there are key details missing. But if I were his sister I would absolutely try to help him, and I would have a hard time being in a r/s with someone who felt it was an idiotic decision. Maybe you could help her figure out a help strategy that you are more comfortable with than him in your house. But if you send her the message that you'd rather watch a football game than help her talk through what to do about this tough situation, you aren't helping her find alternatives.

[Waddams]

I would turn him in , if he has a warrant you could be charged for helping him, also to knowingly allow a sex offender in your home with your child could open you up to charges, let alone what could actually happen.

I actually stopped and had a discrete discussion with a police captain yesterday.  He basically told me if they got the tip as to where a guy with that kind of warrant out was, chances are they wouldn't go get him.  They don't have the manpower to trackdown every little thing, and when I told him the charge and what it was for, he said it wasn't something they'd pursue in and of itself.  I was a bit surprised but it is what it is.  He did tell me that if, for some reason, they did show up, the difference between harboring and not was that if you lie and say he's not there, or you haven't seen him, then you're in trouble.  But if you say "yeah, he's right here" or "yeah, he was here two days ago, and then left" then it's all good.

So, as usual, there's what the law says, and then there's the reality of how it is enforced, what's considered significant, what's not, etc.  And as this is for failure to register correctly, and not for actually hurting anyone, and as this guy has never really hurt anyone in his life per his record, it's not something the local cops seem to be interested in.

I'm missing what he has done wrong other than be hyper criminalized for having sex with a girl who was barely under age. Sounds like that has largely ruined his life. Maybe there are key details missing. But if I were his sister I would absolutely try to help him, and I would have a hard time being in a r/s with someone who felt it was an idiotic decision. Maybe you could help her figure out a help strategy that you are more comfortable with than him in your house. But if you send her the message that you'd rather watch a football game than help her talk through what to do about this tough situation, you aren't helping her find alternatives.

The part about not having done anything wrong other than having sex with the underage girl a long time ago is true.  And the court records show she admitted to lying about her age, and apparently she was an early bloomer and looked every bit the age she claimed.

The missing details are that he's also had drug problems for a very long time.  If he could have stayed off the drugs, he could have finished his downward departure sentence originally, and been free and clear of it all.  I believe he got a hit on a drug test and it violated the terms of his deal.  The deal got rescinded and he got hit with the full weight of legal consequences for statutory rape, includig having to register as a sex offender.

This latest issue came about because he was living with a GF, and the cops showed up and said someone had registered a home daycare too close and he had to move.  Instead, he registered as homeless.  Then he and the GF got in a fight, and she ratted him out to the cops as lying about his residence.  It's classified as a felony, and it is his 3rd felony strike.   

The cop I spoke to said there is a developing problem with some guys that end up on the list but aren't really risks.  They can't find jobs, they can't find homes, and they end up homeless.  And they then can't register correctly per the law, and they end up like this guy.  So they bug out.  Some police departments are looking the other way at these kinds of guys because they are literally in a catch-22 situation.  As long as they appear to not be a threat, the cops are leaving them alone when they show up here.

He spent last night on the recliner in my living room.  SO and he both say the plan is for him to stay a few days until he can walk okay again as it's not actually a broken ankle, just sprained, and then he has an under the table job lined up with a contractor, and has a cheap place to stay lined up when he can start getting some money.

At this point my biggest concern is the last time we heard anything about him, he'd been picked up and sent to a psyche ward in Virginia somewhere after some kind of drug and booze bender.  I figured they'd identify him, and that would be the end of it.  I really don't want to deal with him having another meltdown in my house.  He's an addict, he needs help that is beyond what we can provide.  We just aren't equipped for this.

[Grey Kitty]

My thoughts:

1. This guy sounds like mostly a danger to himself, not much of a risk to others... .not somebody I would value or trust in my life, but not somebody I need to protect myself from.

2. There is some risk of being charged with some crime in aiding him. (Nothing to add for you there)

3. The boundary you could have placed with your SO is that you aren't willing to risk #2, and if he stays in your house, you will notify the police about it to protect yourself. (Obviously this would go over better before he comes home, or even before he went into the hospital!)

[Waddams]

Thanks for the response GK.   

1. This guy sounds like mostly a danger to himself, not much of a risk to others... .not somebody I would value or trust in my life, but not somebody I need to protect myself from.

I agree with this.  My main concern is if he has one of his meltdowns in my living room.  I don't want that.

2. There is some risk of being charged with some crime in aiding him. (Nothing to add for you there)

I'm satisified I'm safe on that front.  I talked with local law enforcement.  They didn't care.  They told me if authorities did show up then don't lie.  Show them in.  The only way I'd be in trouble is if I lied to them if they specifically asked about him.  Beyond that, they said not to expect anything. They generally don't go out of their way to pick anyone up on an out of state warrant unless they get a court order to do it, or he gets pinched for something local and they find it on a background check.

3. The boundary you could have placed with your SO is that you aren't willing to risk #2, and if he stays in your house, you will notify the police about it to protect yourself. (Obviously this would go over better before he comes home, or even before he went into the hospital!)

He was actually in my home before I got home from work the first day she called me about him.  I expressed my misgivings.  She obviously didn't care.  But that's a whole different issue with her.

 

[Grey Kitty]

Your SO was stuck in a tough place already. I'm sure she doesn't like a lot of what her brother does.

It sounds like your SO had him in the house before she told/asked you about it.

If this is short term, you've got bigger issues with her anyway.

[Waddams]

Your SO was stuck in a tough place already. I'm sure she doesn't like a lot of what her brother does.

She sees him as a victim of "the system".  JMHO, but she takes it too far. I don't think he's dangerous to other people or kids, but

He's had his chances for things to not get so bad.  He had an initial lenient sentence that was a downward departure from the standard.  If he had kept his nose clean, he'd have been done with probation, not on any list, etc.  He was living in some religious commune when the incident happened, as always claimed he didn't know how young she was, but I question that.  Those places are small, tight knit.  The residents all know each other.  I question how he could not have known.  He was in his mid-20's, at that age he's responsible for knowing where he was gonna stick it.  I know he's had drug and alcohol issues since he was a teenager, and I'm sure he was under the influence of something when it happened, but that's no excuse.

He also very quickly (I mean within 2 months, he's deal was voided and he was in the slammer) violated his initial probation via failing drug tests and his deal was rescinded.  He's then gone on to twice now lie about his address for his sex offender registrations.  I see him as having dug a little mole hole for himself, and then gone on to turn his whole into a strip mining operation.  He's created his own circumstances by being just plain stupid and irresponsible.

SO refuses to see his own responsibility though.  He's just a victim to her.  Reality is the guy needs significant help that is beyond our ability to provide.

It sounds like your SO had him in the house before she told/asked you about it.

She didn't have him in the house before she told me.  She called me while she was getting him.  She just didn't give any heed to my concerns.  

Last night, they told me he's leaving in the next day or two.  His ankle is getting better, and he's being picked up by some friend.  She said where they were going, but I don't remember exactly at the moment, and I didn't really care as long as he was leaving the area.

If this is short term, you've got bigger issues with her anyway.

Very true.

[Grey Kitty]

It sounds like your SO had him in the house before she told/asked you about it.

She didn't have him in the house before she told me.  She called me while she was getting him.  She just didn't give any heed to my concerns.  

She was telling you, not asking you.

I'm sure she had already told him she would take care of him, or had already decided to.

... .I think this echos some major disagreements I've had with my wife in that way. We had different thoughts about whether an issue was "hers" or "ours". It doesn't matter which point of view is correct. In this case, there is a good basis for both sides.

It is a shared residence, with you and she both being responsible for it. (joint issue)

It is her brother, her r/s with him, and her choice to help him (her issue)

The problem isn't that one is right or one is wrong. The problem is that you started a discussion with her, where you assumed it was a joint issue, and she assumed it was her issue. With that crossed assumption underlying the discussion, nothing good will come of it.

I remember this came up between the two of you before around a gun: Individual (you want a gun) vs. joint (she is getting a gun added to her shared residence, and her concerns aren't being heeded)

[Waddams]

Yeah, she was telling and not asking.  I basically took the stance to make sure my own and my son's security was not being imperiled - it was not according to local law enforcement, and otherwise not turn it into a big fight.  One of those choose your battles things.  I also just made sure that I didn't leave the house when my son was there with brother around just in case he had another episode like what put the guy in the psyche ward recently.  I didn't like leaving any of the kids alone with him either, but the rest are SO's and it was her choice ultimately.  She asked me what I thought after I got home from work the first night he was there, I told her what I thought, and then let go of the outcomes that were not in my sphere of responsibility.

I realize no couple will ever agree on everything 100% of the time, and I can't think of any other way I could have handled the issue.

SO did just now text me that her brother has been picked up by a friend and is on his way to his next waypoint, so he's now gone.

All that being said, I do think SO and are headed for a bigger confrontation.  There are some big things coming out where our core values really aren't aligning.

[eyvindr]

Hi Waddams --

Sorry you're dealing with all the stress related to this situation with your SO's brother. Sounds like a tough situation for everyone.

With all due respect, from what you've shared, it sounds like you're feeling like you need to have an opinion on the situation, or you're trying to protect everyone from stuff that might happen. Obviously your SO's brother has made some bad choices -- not meaning to defend his behaviors at all. I agree with you that he needs professional help, and he needs to own his choices. And that if sis is enabling him, it's not helping.

That said, from what you've shared it sounds very clear that this person has substance abuse issues, and possibly some mental illness going on. You've shared that you're aware of all of this, and that you understand that he's not shown any signs of being a danger to anyone other than himself. I totally get not wanting someone with issues crashing in your private space -- but it also sounds like there has been discussion, and everyone's on the same page that it's temporary. You sound like you've taken reasonable steps to allay any fears or concerns you have about him living there. So, I guess I'm asking -- aside from the obvious (as well as natural and normal, imo) desire not to complicate your life with OPD (Other People's Drama), why are you so opposed to this? It almost sounds like the issue may be more about your SO not agreeing to do things your way, whether you're right or wrong. Could that be it?

A more useful question to think about, imo, might be: How would not helping accomplish anything good? Would it help your SO's bro? would it help your r-ship? would you feel good about it?

On one side, you presume that your SO had already decided to help -- you said she telling and not asking. Did you ask her about talking to the police? Did you share with her what your reasons were, and that you had? If not, why not?

SO did just now text me that her brother has been picked up by a friend and is on his way to his next waypoint, so he's now gone.

All that being said, I do think SO and are headed for a bigger confrontation.  There are some big things coming out where our core values really aren't aligning.

I think you're right. So, now that you've confirmed awareness of this issue, what next? Hang in there.