Can't move on

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Thank you in advance for listening,

My ex-girlfriend lived with me for 26 months. During that period she left for 7 times for small disagreements. Number 6 went back to her Ex for 3 weekes and came back. Four months after her return she left again and it's been 6 months and I still want her back.

She   went back to her ex just for living arrangements. Needed a a place to stay.

She loved me like no one had done before then eventually left. Also gambling involved.

She has gained 30 to 40 pounds and still looks as atractive to me as before.

I tried and tried to get her back but the more I tried the farther she got away.

I have accepted that she will not come back to me but my problem is I can't forget her and cannot move on. My love for her is almost intoxicating.

Everyone tells me to move on and that I'm better without her but it's not easy and as a matter of fact I have found it imposible to remove her from my feelings.

How long does it take?  Do I have a chance she will come back? What do I do? please help... .

Thanks,

Rob

[Hopeful12]

Thank you in advance for listening,

My ex-girlfriend lived with me for 26 months. During that period she left for 7 times for small disagreements. Number 6 went back to her Ex for 3 weekes and came back. Four months after her return she left again and it's been 6 months and I still want her back.

She   went back to her ex just for living arrangements. Needed a a place to stay.

She loved me like no one had done before then eventually left. Also gambling involved.

She has gained 30 to 40 pounds and still looks as atractive to me as before.

I tried and tried to get her back but the more I tried the farther she got away.

I have accepted that she will not come back to me but my problem is I can't forget her and cannot move on. My love for her is almost intoxicating.

Everyone tells me to move on and that I'm better without her but it's not easy and as a matter of fact I have found it imposible to remove her from my feelings.

How long does it take?  Do I have a chance she will come back? What do I do? please help... .

Thanks,

Rob

[CloseToFreedom]

Hi! 

I recognise the feeling all too well, and now that I'm 2 months out, I am going through the same thing. You have to understand that this is not love, but an addiction. We've been left behind so many times and each time when they came back it was like a shot of drugs. Now we have to go cold turkey and its very hard.

You might think this was the one for you, but if she was, she wouldn't do this to you. Its an addiction and its going to take a lot of time to kick the habit.

I'm going through the same thing, so you are not alone. I also keep hoping that somehow, things will get back to the way they used to be. But we shouldn't want that. Because if things return to the way they were, we will also be left behind again.

The only way is to stay out. In time, we will become happy again and we will find someone who appreciate us for who we are. Good luck and keep on posting here.

[free-n-clear]

   Hi, Hopeful12.

   I'm sorry to hear that you're in this confusing and painful situation. It's good that you've found your way to this site, as we have many members who can relate to what you are experiencing and we share with, learn from and support each other. We've many resources and much information that you'll find helpful as well. My situation was similar to yours; my xgf and I were living together for about 18 months of our 2-year relationship and like you I struggled with letting go and moving on.

   I'd encourage you to start with this article: Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD - 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck. This was a real eye-opener for me and it's a resource that I returned to multiple times during my "recovery". You'll also find How a BPD Love Relationship Evolves helpful.

   There's light at the end of the tunnel, Hopeful12. You'll find that there's a genuine warmth and sense of community among the members here, so I hope you'll make the most of this site. Once again, Welcome Aboard!

   free-n-clear.

[JRT]

I am not altogether out of the woods and I am 4 months after the b/e. We were together for the same amount of time and broke up about the same number of times as well. She also gained a lot of weight during our r/s. and I didn't mind either. But like was mentioned earlier, this is not real love, like me you got the first few free and then became an addict, just like crack. Its not really love, THATS why it ended. Sorry, it hurts me to say that as much as to know it.

Keep posting here... .keep reading about it... .get angry, it helped me to turn the corner -she USED you!, Get mad (don't act out anything). Go run, go out out with friends, go dating, join a gym, KEEP DOING SOMETHING!

It WILL get better, I promise.

[Copperfox]

One thing that may help: start making a list of all the bad/weird behavior, all the times she yelled at you for no reason, or threw a fit.  All the bizarre things she did or said.  The lies.  The things that hurt you, or made it seem like your feelings didn't matter.  Make a list of all those things you can remember.  You mention a couple in your original post (e.g. leaving you for an ex, gambling), there are probably hundreds more.

I like to call it a sh%! list 

Then when you start reminiscing, idealizing, thinking about how great she is, whatever ... .read it.  Read it over and over.  Add little things you remember.  When you write it all down, see it all together in one place, you might realize that what you thought you had, wasn't what you thought you had at all.  In fact, maybe it wasn't so good, or healthy.  Would you really want to live the rest of your life like that?

Remember who you are.  Value who you are.  Expect others to do so as well.  You're the catch.  You're the prize.  If someone treats you like she did, does she really deserve you?

[cehlers55]

One thing that may help: start making a list of all the bad/weird behavior, all the times she yelled at you for no reason, or threw a fit.  All the bizarre things she did or said.  The lies.  The things that hurt you, or made it seem like your feelings didn't matter.  Make a list of all those things you can remember.  You mention a couple in your original post (e.g. leaving you for an ex, gambling), there are probably hundreds more.

I like to call it a sh%! list 

Then when you start reminiscing, idealizing, thinking about how great she is, whatever ... .read it.  Read it over and over.  Add little things you remember.  When you write it all down, see it all together in one place, you might realize that what you thought you had, wasn't what you thought you had at all.  In fact, maybe it wasn't so good, or healthy.  Would you really want to live the rest of your life like that?

Remember who you are.  Value who you are.  Expect others to do so as well.  You're the catch.  You're the prize.  If someone treats you like she did, does she really deserve you?

This is GREAT advice. I made a list before joining this group just to get my head straight. 48 items and counting on the list. all from memory. EXTREMELY helpful in the beginning because i was just like you. Like a ping pong ball bouncing back and forth between thinking things could change and get back to the way it was and the opposite, thinking that i gotta end this.