Setting & Keeping Boundaries at a family gathering

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

I'm generally on the parenting and family boards, helping my DH deal with his uBPDew and parallel parenting his two sons.

I have a different issue with a family gathering coming up soon.  A bit of background: I have a niece who I suspect is BPD.  Her dad, my oldest brother, was uNPD, as is my other older brother.  I did not know about any of this a few years back when there were major issues between me and my brothers after our mom's death, or a blow up with my niece after her dad's (my oldest brother's) death.

My niece is a classic BPD, but is not diagnosed.  Two years ago, we had a major falling out, and I wiped her out of my life - blocked her cell, blocked FB, etc.  I am on good terms with the rest of her siblings (my brother had seven children with five women, and they range in age from their mid 30s to 15).  Her two half sisters blocked her for awhile, but now have at least superficial relationships with her.

One of her sisters is coming to visit next month, and wants to have a family dinner.  I have no problem going, being cordial, and enjoying the time.  But I do want to warn the visiting niece that I will have boundaries in place, and if her sister tries to break them down, I will calmly move my seat or leave.

I don't want there to be a problem, I don't want my niece to worry.  I'm pretty sure I'll be able to ignore what her sister has to say, if anything, unless she gets right in my face.  I just don't want there to be a scene, and ruin what could be a nice time.  Does anyone have any suggestions on how to approach my visiting niece?  Once I see her sister, my plan is to just smile and say hi, talk about innocuous things, and excuse myself should she try to start anything.  Thanks everyone.

[PinkieV]

Hi all,

I'm generally on the parenting and family boards, helping my DH deal with his uBPDew and parallel parenting his two sons.

I have a different issue with a family gathering coming up soon.  A bit of background: I have a niece who I suspect is BPD.  Her dad, my oldest brother, was uNPD, as is my other older brother.  I did not know about any of this a few years back when there were major issues between me and my brothers after our mom's death, or a blow up with my niece after her dad's (my oldest brother's) death.

My niece is a classic BPD, but is not diagnosed.  Two years ago, we had a major falling out, and I wiped her out of my life - blocked her cell, blocked FB, etc.  I am on good terms with the rest of her siblings (my brother had seven children with five women, and they range in age from their mid 30s to 15).  Her two half sisters blocked her for awhile, but now have at least superficial relationships with her.

One of her sisters is coming to visit next month, and wants to have a family dinner.  I have no problem going, being cordial, and enjoying the time.  But I do want to warn the visiting niece that I will have boundaries in place, and if her sister tries to break them down, I will calmly move my seat or leave.

I don't want there to be a problem, I don't want my niece to worry.  I'm pretty sure I'll be able to ignore what her sister has to say, if anything, unless she gets right in my face.  I just don't want there to be a scene, and ruin what could be a nice time.  Does anyone have any suggestions on how to approach my visiting niece?  Once I see her sister, my plan is to just smile and say hi, talk about innocuous things, and excuse myself should she try to start anything.  Thanks everyone.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi PinkieV

Sounds like you have done some excellent preparation and there's nothing like that. it's the fire drill before the fire.

I couldn't advise you to do more or better - it sounds like a great plan.

The only thing I would add in is to expect a degree of acrimony from unexpected quarters - something about reunions and 'rosy-coloured' moments cab bring forth sudden emotions that might not have been there or obvious before.

Be ready to be surprised is what I mean. Be prepared that someone who you thought was ok with you might suddenly be not. Also that it may be momentary.

I think it can feel so 'easy' after all the mental and emotional preparation that when it happens it's almost not like real life at all!

Do let us know how it turns out

Ziggiddy