Back to Undecided - NC broken in very positive ways by her

[Heldfast]

NC broken by exBPD Fiancee. All very small talk, but very positive, even complimentary of a photo I posted from me yesterday doing sea turtle research. Over 45 minutes of back and forth. She sent a photo back of the cat with her hand in it from which I took two things: 1) she is wearing a hook bracelet, in VI it faces out to show available, in to show in a relationship. Hers is in, signifying she's in a relationship with her recycle exbf from 6 years back, who she ran to right after getting out of our engagement. 2) Her hand looks fat, really fat. She's only been gone 1 month in two days, and she had lost a great deal of weight before leaving. Whatever is happening out there, it's gaining weight.

Also, she is in bed with flu on returning from trip to visit the ex. She cannot speak, but said she had wanted, really wanted to call into therapy session this morning, but can only speak a couple minutes. Also, she said she wanted to call me directly as soon as she has voice back. I may be out of the black. Let's see where this goes.

[EaglesJuju]

Do you want to reconnect with her? What are your expectations?

[Lucky Jim]

she is wearing a hook bracelet, in VI it faces out to show available, in to show in a relationship. Hers is in, signifying she's in a relationship with her recycle exbf from 6 years back, who she ran to right after getting out of our engagement.

Hey Heldfast, Some might view the bracelet "facing in" as a red flag   , yet you don't seem to see it that way.  What is your interpretation?  LuckyJim

[Heldfast]

Hit a moment of clarity which took the pain away. My happiness, my heart, and my love are my own. The man she's run to has nothing but need and hurt. My expectations are just to talk. Regardless as to her course of action, I'm going to be just fine. So I'll. Invite the chat, see where she's at, what she wants, what she thinks. Either way, I'm living my life. Of course it doesn't hurt that I have a date with a hottie tomorrow... .nothing clears your mind faster.than the prospect of a healthy relationship. But i did what i needed to do for me. I own my faults, right up to 50% of the relationship issues, no more. I studied up on BPD, so I know what it is, and her therapist confirmed classic case here. I've given her family all the info I could, so they can help as much as they can. My NC period gave me enough time to take care of me and start some healthy pursuits, weight loss, organizing a local Ted talk, and in just getting out there and not acting like my life is now a wreck, I've been approached by a number of friends and women, so my life does not feel small without her. So, i want to see where she is really at, and how she's doing. If she acknowledges that she wants or needs help, I'd have a decision to make. Btw, these message boards have helped so much in me wrapping my head around this, thank you all for that.

[EaglesJuju]

Hit a moment of clarity which took the pain away. My happiness, my heart, and my love are my own. The man she's run to has nothing but need and hurt. My expectations are just to talk. Regardless as to her course of action, I'm going to be just fine. So I'll. Invite the chat, see where she's at, what she wants, what she thinks. Either way, I'm living my life. Of course it doesn't hurt that I have a date with a hottie tomorrow... .nothing clears your mind faster.than the prospect of a healthy relationship. But i did what i needed to do for me. I own my faults, right up to 50% of the relationship issues, no more. I studied up on BPD, so I know what it is, and her therapist confirmed classic case here. I've given her family all the info I could, so they can help as much as they can. My NC period gave me enough time to take care of me and start some healthy pursuits, weight loss, organizing a local Ted talk, and in just getting out there and not acting like my life is now a wreck, I've been approached by a number of friends and women, so my life does not feel small without her. So, i want to see where she is really at, and how she's doing. If she acknowledges that she wants or needs help, I'd have a decision to make. Btw, these message boards have helped so much in me wrapping my head around this, thank you all for that.

This is very inspirational.

[GrimFellow]

Hit a moment of clarity which took the pain away. My happiness, my heart, and my love are my own. The man she's run to has nothing but need and hurt. My expectations are just to talk. Regardless as to her course of action, I'm going to be just fine. So I'll. Invite the chat, see where she's at, what she wants, what she thinks. Either way, I'm living my life. Of course it doesn't hurt that I have a date with a hottie tomorrow... .nothing clears your mind faster.than the prospect of a healthy relationship. But i did what i needed to do for me. I own my faults, right up to 50% of the relationship issues, no more. I studied up on BPD, so I know what it is, and her therapist confirmed classic case here. I've given her family all the info I could, so they can help as much as they can. My NC period gave me enough time to take care of me and start some healthy pursuits, weight loss, organizing a local Ted talk, and in just getting out there and not acting like my life is now a wreck, I've been approached by a number of friends and women, so my life does not feel small without her. So, i want to see where she is really at, and how she's doing. If she acknowledges that she wants or needs help, I'd have a decision to make. Btw, these message boards have helped so much in me wrapping my head around this, thank you all for that.

Are you 100% sure that deep down you don't have any desire to get her back as gf?

[Heldfast]

It's still new, even with the new guy involved. It really depends on what she says when we talk, if we talk, later this week. I actually have a network around me now, her family, who like me (in the mom's case, loves me) and the therapist, who said "look, professionalism off here, you're the perfect guy for this woman if she wanted to really try to beat this thing. The new guy is just nostalgia, need, and pain." If she was coming back to work on herself, yeah, I'd support her. If she wants friendship or just to rekindle the relationship without acknowledging the rest, I don't think I would. And like I said, I am going forward with my life, regardless as to whether she has BPD, doesn't have BPD, is coming back, isn't coming back, because she is not responsible for me, she does not owe me anything. Figuring that out was the first big step I took forward for myself. If she comes back while I am still available and still care enough about her to take the work on, I'll support her. If not, well, I no longer have any sense of fear, obligation, or guilt (getting out of the FOG was the best thing I could do). So yeah, I'd take her back, knowing the road ahead may be a long one. She cannot hurt me anymore.

[hope2727]

Wow you are so inspiring. It's interesting to me what your therapist said. Mine said something similar. That It was unfortunate my ex didn't see that I would have stood by him and with my background would have been the ideal person to do it. But then that takes self recognition o their disorder and bra acts. Pretty tough. Anyway pls keep posting. I really want to know how it turns out for you.   

[Heldfast]

Finally had a conversation with her. It was a one hour breakup call. She acknowledged that she had already been romantically with her ex, she heard me out in my owning 50% of the wrong in the relationship. She acknowledged no fault at all on her part. It was the closure I get, she's moving across the country to be with the ex on Tuesday. I wish her well. I told her I loved her, and I said that should she ever get the desire to call, go ahead and do so. I do not think I will hear from her again anytime soon.

[cloudten]

How do you feel?

[Heldfast]

A little angry, but relieved, it really helped clear my head and heart. I got to say everything I had wanted to say, but at the same time, listening to her responses, realized I may as well have said them to a wall. She was determined to play the victim, and acknowledge nothing.

[hope2727]

I am so sorry held fast.  I hope you realize how strong you are. You are worthy and deserving of a happy healthy love. 

[cloudten]

I hate it when I say something to my uBPDbf and feel like I am talking to a wall. It has taken me a long time to feel like I can assert myself and talk about my feelings without being blown to pieces... .and now when I do I get zero reaction. 

I hope you are feeling better and continue to heal!

[Heldfast]

It was an interesting and reassuring weekend. Went boating with friends, laid in a hammock with a woman who just moved back and by the end of us talking we were hokding hands. On a more interesting note, which I take as highly complimentary,  a lesbian friend actually asked me if I'd consider fathering her child. I politely declined, but she told me of all the men she knows, I was the one she most trusted in this world. All in all, I'm progressing from the decline. Ex is lying to everyone aboyt what's going on with her, but we all see through it and she's only running feom herself. She's startes defriending her friends from here on facebook, so there has been alot more concern as to what's going on with her, but as she's done everything she can to be gone and devalue our relationship, it's beyond my control, and I am learning to accept that.

[Heldfast]

Apologies for typos, texting in from phone.