How far I have come-Did you ever feel needy?

[clljhns]

I seem to be in a testing mode lately. These past few months I have encountered many stressful events. Events that in the past would have immobilized me and left feeling weak and unable to cope.

So here are some of the things that have happened:

Snow storm knocked out power twice in November and left me in the dark for several days. Another major one is predicted for tomorrow bringing more than 2 feet of snow with it, so I may loose power again.

My daughter is half way around the world and I spent another Christmas without her.

My beloved dog is sick and there doesn't seem to be an answer to what is going on, except her blood work shows that she is loosing blood.

My job is hanging in the balance because of budget cuts.

Today I wrecked my daughter's car and totaled it. As I was flying through the air, I really thought I was going to die. Quite a helpless feeling when you realize that you have lost control of a vehicle and it is airborne. My dog and I walked away okay, and what was so strange is that I didn't fall apart. I thought surely that I would dissolve into a puddle and cry hysterically. Instead, I was calm. The entire time I spoke with police and insurance company. I didn't break down when my good friends came to pick me up. I thought surely once I got home that I would fall apart. Hasn't happened. I still feel calm and very lucky to be alive as I missed a telephone pole by only a few feet.

I sit here now trying to understand this new state of being in myself. I think the biggest change for me has come by living in the moment and not the past or the future. I don't know how else to explain this, but with so many things that seem to keep me tottering on the edge, I just don't panic over these anymore. In the past, I know that I would have called as many people as possible to share in my suffering. I was always so needy. Oh, wow! Another light bulb moment.  I can take care of my own needs.

Sometimes as I look at these recent posts and what has transpired over the past two years, and I wonder who this person is that I have become. I can't believe that I have finally reached the point that I feel safe with myself and taking care of my own needs.

Anyone else have a similar experience where they felt as if they could handle the situation all on their own? You know, make the decisions, call who it is necessary to call, and then move forward?

Do you or did you ever have a time in your life that you felt that you needed others to take care of you and handle situations?

I guess that is really the purpose of my post. I finally don't feel that I need someone to help take care of me. I can do it all on my own!

Journey On!

[losthero]

Dear Clljhns, im so very proud of you and impressed!  Wow such bravery and maturity you displayed.  Also, so glad you and your dog are okay.  I think growing up in an environment where it was roled modeled to us to be needy and dramatic worked to get attention affected a lot if us.  Especially when you were deprived of having attention and concern shown to you as a child.  I have BPD fleas like that that I too am working on.  So proud of how you handled it all. 

[clljhns]

Thanks losthero,

It seems very strange to be this person. I am still trying to get used to it. I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me because I didn't fall to pieces.

I think growing up in an environment where it was roled modeled to us to be needy and dramatic worked to get attention affected a lot if us.  Especially when you were deprived of having attention and concern shown to you as a child

You are so right! I don't think that I realized this is how I approached people in my life until about ten years ago. Funny, but it has taken that long to not over-react to situations and to not want to run to someone for help. In the past, I would have clung to someone for help.

I am glad also that we walked away without a scratch.


Thank you again for your response.

[Kwamina]

Today I wrecked my daughter's car and totaled it. As I was flying through the air, I really thought I was going to die. Quite a helpless feeling when you realize that you have lost control of a vehicle and it is airborne. My dog and I walked away okay

I am very happy that you and your dog got out safely. That moment must have been quite scary.

So clljhns 2.0 has arrived now  Calm and focused even after this scary accident. You've certainly come a long way. Losthero makes a great point. I too think that what you can describe as 'learned helplesness' is something that can really immobilize you. Another problem many children raised by a BPD parent struggle with is anxiety and this can really make it difficult to handle stressful situations. Sounds like you've really done a lot of healing and growing these last couple of years

There's a lot going on in your life now, I am very sorry about the situation with your dog and also the uncertainty you're facing with your job. Being able to remain in WiseMind can be of great help to you as you go through this.

PS. I hope the snowstorm isn't gonna be as bad as they predict it to be. Do you have your games ready?  

[Harri]

I'm so glad you and your furry friend are okay after your mis-adventure.  Way to go handling things on your own too!  I hope things settle down and especially that your job situation stabilizes soon. 

I can take care of my own needs.

BTW, we are expecting 2-3 feet of snow here too!  Have stocked up on batteries, books and warm socks!  I hope you don't lose power! 

[clljhns]

Kwamina and Harri,

Thank you for your words of encouragement and support.

Harri, you must live close to my neck of the woods. We loose power every time we have a bad snowstorm. I really didn't need this on the heels of my accident, but as my beloved aunt would say "Eh. Whatcha gonna do?"

Hope you fair well through the storm Harri!

So clljhns 2.0 has arrived now wink

I chuckled at this. I think it is going to take some time for me to adjust to the "new" me.

I didn't get emotional until I talked with my daughter. I felt so bad that I totaled her car! The very car she loved so much! But, true to her nature, she said it didn't matter, just glad we are okay.

I have my battery operated radio (with lots of extra batteries), kerosene lamp, propane heater, camp stove, buckets and buckets of water, drinking water, and the card table is ready for my puzzles and games!

Stay well and safe!

[Harri]

clljhns, thank you and I hope you do not lose power this time around.  I am lucky where I am as the power lines are underground so we don't usually lose power unless the lines go down on the main road.  Fingers crossed, but if I do lose power it will force me to focus on some things I have ben trying very hard to avoid!   

Somehow I missed writing something in my last post.  You said "I can take care of my own needs".  Yes you can and I think it is wonderful that you have learned that you can trust yourself and you can handle things... .quite well even!    

I think it is going to take some time for me to adjust to the "new" me.

I bet, but in the mean time, enjoy the results of your hard work. 

I am not surprised that you got emotional when you told your daughter.  It makes sense, especially if you guys have a good relationship.  I like her style in saying it does not matter.  Times like these are just reminders of what is truly important (though sometimes i think the way we are reminded could be a bit less harsh!).  Besides, accidents are why we have car insurance right?

Oh, and thanks for mentioning puzzles!  I got one from my nephew at Christmas so i will be able to work on that too.