Are they just as confused about their own behavior as we are?

[raisins3142]

So you see, there are physiological aspects to BPD, primarily brain dysfunction. It is not just a "learned" or "created" behavior disorder. There is biological evidence that BPD is often present from birth.  Treatment is very difficult, because the disorder is an integral part of who these people are. 

It is hard to untangle, and I should read the papers that try to do just that.

My ex's dad was a diagnosed narcissist.  Her brother is probably a narcissist and/or BPD.  He cheats on every woman in his life, has constant back ups, etc... .and my ex seems to idealize him with picture of him all over her house... .even above the toilet.

So, I'm seeing a genetic influence here... .but a dad with NPD will created an environment that leads to cluster b... .so these underlying factors are correlated and hard to tease apart statistically.

[raisins3142]

I have read some accounts that seem to suggest that BPD's are very calculating and plan their behavior, especially as it relates to breakups and beyond. On the other hand, i have read many instances that BPD's insist that they themselves have no idea why they do the things that they do. I realize that there is no typical behavior for a BPD but is there a general proclivity one way or the other?

Impulsive and calculating are not mutually exclusive over time, or at all if you consider different streams of thought/emotion running in parallel.  A BPD can be triangulating or cultivating a back up strategically but still lost as to their deeper motivations and then go out, get drunk, and impulsively have sex in the back of a pick up truck behind a bar.  It is stupefying.

I have to admit, I am a bit confused about this one. How can you do something entirely on the spur of the moment and at the same time have that moment calculated? In our discussion; how can the pwBPD experience a trigger and leave a relationship and at the same time have it all planned out? I know that I am missing something here.

I'm not suggesting that.  I know I could have a life goal planned out, being strategic, and then act impulsively in that same area or in another... .not that I do that... .but I can see within the realm of human experience and I'm surely remotely capable of it.

I hope this isn't adding to any confusion.

I'll explain in a narrative:

I could see my uBPDexgf totally planning on a future with me and even doing things to manipulate our future or what she wanted, and she could also be doing things she likely knows are wrong at the same time (like flirting with some facebook orbiter for "supply"... .and she would have some idea of why she did some things and not another (so just a mess of intention and then confusion)... .12 hours later and while immersed in all that... .I could see her going out with her cluster b BFF and getting drunk and having group sex with like 3 random dudes... .and waking up and not knowing why she did that but knowing she had to hide it from me.

So, I guess my message was: you can't understand it... .much like a hurricane has some organization at a large scale but is totally random when it comes to individual wind currents.  So, I guess, I got nothing  

[raisins3142]

I have to admit, I am a bit confused about this one. How can you do something entirely on the spur of the moment and at the same time have that moment calculated? In our discussion; how can the pwBPD experience a trigger and leave a relationship and at the same time have it all planned out? I know that I am missing something here.

I don't think you are missing anything. It is confusing.

I think it is a situation where they play out different scenarios in their head but have no intention of acting on it. Then, the mood strikes them and, BAM, they act on their fantasy.

For example, my husband asked my permission to post and answer some ads. I didn't say yes but I didn't say no either. A normal person would have gleaned from the questions that I asked that the answer was no. I think he had been planning to do it anyway. Before there was any further discussion, he did it. I think he had been secretly planning to do it and wanting to do it but was trying NOT to do it and then something triggered him and he did it. So, in a way it was planned but in another way it was purely impulsive.

Does that make any sense at all?

Let me see if I understand against the backdrop of my ex... .she left suddenly and abruptly. As far as being calculating, she had rehearsed the disappearing act in her head for a period, might have been for months, and then something triggered her and she acted upon it on impulse and actually moved out?

Here is my take on it.

You can't necessarily understand any specific thing they do.  You can only understand the overall pattern.  I hope that makes sense.

Not to nerd out, but I really find this helpful to me... .there is a field called chaos theory.  It talks about things in the natural world that cannot be predicted in detail, but you can learn and predict the overall patterns.  This is true of weather and other natural systems and also BPD, I think, and maybe somewhat true of all of us.

So, I could not predict what my uBPDexgf would necessarily do from day to day or how she would react... .but if I look at what I know of her I see the overall pattern and that is one of betrayal, secrecy, and instability.

Make sense or am I up too late rambling on the internet?

[JRT]

I give you an A fore effort and good will... .not every BPD does the exact same thing... .but many of their behaviors are typical... .in the way that I described it, does this fit as a typical pattern?