Just Lost

[dustrat]

So my wife and I had a argument and she struck me in the face so I called a friend and left.  Well she left and is staying at her moms and says we are done.  She has BPD and has never got help.  We married in 2010 and divorced in 2012 back together in 2013 remarried... .separated in late 2013 back together in 2014 only to have this most recent argument that lead to her physically assaulting me and leaving .  She seems to go in cycles like a honeymoon phase all is great loving caring and after a year or 9 months she starts to just shut down emotionally ... .No affection definitely no sexual affection and as soon as she starts to shut down and I asked what's wrong she just says she don't know.  Well me worried about if I'm the problem ask questions like do you love me ... .Is there someone else and it only makes her angry.  Its so hard because I feel it coming and I can't do anything about it.  We have talked of going to get counsling together but she never goes through with it.  Even with the most recent situation leaving us living separate and her trying to get her own place everything is my fault .  I've talked to her once in 3 weeks and that's because she got a new number and called me restricted to ask about my daughter and visitation .  She is very hateful right now and like every other time she leaves she cuts all ties and comunication... .Until court starts resolving visitation and all that.  Well usually 3-6 months after leaving she finally talks and all that and always has expressed she does love me thinks of me daily and we end up back together  ... .But up till that all I knew is that she hates me we where nothing more then friends all we do is argue and so on. It has been a rollercoaster of a ride and I can't ever seem to get past this women I love her so much I guess I do usually tell her how much I didn't want all this and then she finally opens up... .Just lost don't know what to do.

[Mutt]

Hi dustrat,



I'm sorry to hear that. The break-up make up cycles are tough. She seems indifferent to your emotional needs. I can relate.

I'm sorry if I got this wrong. Are you seperated right now? Living together? Kids?

She's made it clear she doesn't want to go to MC. Is she diagnosed?

[dustrat]

Sorry so late to reply... .  Yes we are seperated its been a month now.  We have one child together and I actually got to have her this past weekend.  My wife has left multiple times for various lengths of time usually 4-6 months and we have divorced once and since remarried.  This is the 5th time she has left and we have actually had a divorce in the process multiple times when she leaves but only to cancel it later.  Its like she slowly starts shutting down in the relationship and all affection and sexual things fade away as if she is pushing me away and then once that starts within a few months  She gets very angry all the time then finally has a blow up fight and leaves.  As if its an excuse to hide her true feelings before this happens I try to communicate and she always tells me its not me its just her depression etc or no sex drive .  however once she leaves she don't love me hates me I'm the problem all I want to do is argue.  So that's where we are she was diagnosed at the age of 21 well at least they sent her home with books on BPD after a 3 weeks stay at mental facility. She changes her number so I have no way to contact her usually the divorce process starts then months into it after she has moved to a new place I get her number and in someway we communicate and then she says I love you I've missed you and we reconcile and it starts all over.  I'm not sure if we would ever be back together if it wasn't for me finally talking to her later as I've said and expressing my feelings for her.  Its really hard for me to grasp 

[dustrat]

Also yes if I ask why aren't you affectionate anymore it would become a fight and her reason would always change.  Its really hard when she leaves and basically just moves on drops contact with me hates me.  Only later though as I stated we will be together to sign divorce papers and I say I don't want this then she expresses her feelings.  I fell if I'd just keep my mouth shut she would never admit that her feelings had changed since she left if that makes since and then we would have never been together its like she would rather hide her real feelings then look wrong seeing the way she left always hating me to the. Later pull back and say she actually loves me

[Mutt]

I suggest keeping the D word to yourself. What a pwBPD fear is abandonment real or perceived. I triggered my ex with saying "I want a divorce" and I was split black. It triggered her fear of abandonment or engulfment as some say and I was the bad person, she wasn't a good person towards me at all anymore. She was punishing. A whole other ballgame and one that was much more difficult than what I had encountered with her before. Not fun!

If that's how you feel with divorce and it's a oath you want to take then I suggest treating it like a business transaction. Check the legal board to get an idea of what it's like in court with a person with a PD. It's a good idea to be prepared.

If she's not being affectionate it sounds like she's feeling engulfed and the push cycle. It's a part if the disorder. Is she giving you also giving you the silent treatment?

[dustrat]

Yes she basically cuts all ties to me when she leaves and changes her number .  she actually called me the other day asking about child support and I said well we will work it out and then boom she started saying hateful things and I basically told her in don't want to hear it.  She said file the divorce or she will and she was changing her number and I won't see my child again till I take her to court.  So I confirmed and she def changed her number.  I will file for temporary visitation if I don't have someone from her family contact me for visitation next weekend. 

Is it odd they she leaves hating me cuts off all contact and I feel if I never contact her even in the past split ups we would never be back together?  Its almost like once she leaves she has painted me all black but after time she comes down and realizes she does love me and misses me.  I mean its always happened that way 5 times now.  I've read a few books on BPD and I guess they are all different but us it normal?

[dustrat]

She projects her awful traits onto me control jealousy just to name a few.  But I feel like we wouldn't be in the recycle over and over if I wouldn't express my love for her after she leaves... .However I do love her and I don't want this ever.  But at the same time its the same every time I can almost predict when she is on her way out and going to file a divorce .  I just don't know how to change it... .Before it gets to this point.  She has said in the past she would go get counseling and start dbt classes but never does.  She started the fight physically attacked me and I left that night and basically she was done hated me gonna file a divorce and we are done. I offered to get help for both she refuses and acts like its my fault and she gave me all these chances when we have gotten back together. So frustratikng.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry it's frustrating. I can relate how difficult it is when communication is difficult with a pwBPD and you feel like you're blamed for everything wrong in the r/s and the feelings of unhappiness .

A pwBPD are emotionally immature and highly sensitive to rejection. She wants intimacy and fears this as well.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Fear of Intimacy

A pwBPD need a lot of validation and the communications tools will help as well as maintaining boundaries.

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

We're here to help.

[dustrat]

Thanks I appreciate it. I guess I'm wondering is it normal behavior for her to leave like she does cut off all contact etc . I mean our 5 seperations have always went the same way leading up to them and while we are seperated no contact or at least she avoids it at all cost until she absolutely has to for our child's sake .

[dustrat]

Found this article awhile back and its scary how accurate it is to me and my BPD wife's relationship over 6 years

Shame and sex don't mix

Most BPD relationships go through a honeymoon period. People with BPD will often report that at the beginning of a new romantic relationship they put their new partner “on a pedestal” and sometimes feel they have found their perfect match, a soul mate who will rescue them from the emotional pain (a kind of thinking called idealization)

This honeymoon period can be very exciting for the new partner too. The sex is always there the feeling of passion and intimacy. After all, it is really nice to have someone feel so strongly about you, and to feel as if you are needed.

Problems start to arise, however, when reality sets in. When a person with BPD realizes that their new partner is not faultless, that image of the perfect (idealized) soul mate can come crashing down. Because people with BPD struggle with dichotomous thinking, or seeing things only in black and white, they can have trouble recognizing the fact that most people make mistakes even when they mean well. As a result, they may quickly go from idealization to (devaluation) (or thinking that their partner is a horrible person) examples you are always wrong , can't do anything right. "You just like to argue", " All you do is yell" Soon after ... .

The non's needs and feelings, if you’re brave enough to express them, are ignored, ridiculed, minimized and/or dismissed. You’re told that you’re too demanding, that there’s something wrong with you and that you need to be in therapy. You’re denied the right to your feelings.

This kind of woman may also increase her control by combining sex with shame. For example, she labels you as “perverse,”  “sick” or “abnormal” for wanting sex, when she’s the one who has a perverse, twisted sexuality and relationship beliefs—this is more projection. Typical statements include: “There’s something wrong with you. You’re a sex addict. You’re a pervert. All you want is sex.” Shaming you for the very natural desire of  physical intimacy in your committed relationship is incredibly abusive and can leave emotional scars. All the while not showing empathy or any emotion towards your true feeling.  "You don't get it" "You Don't Understand" while you are in complete control, devaluation

The BPD woman will only have sex when she wants it, which is usually after you’ve been so beaten down that you no longer have any interest in touching her. Contrary to what she believes, criticism, rages, and the cold shoulder do not make for great aphrodisiacs. When you tell her that you’re not in the mood (go figure), she insults your manhood, accuses you of infidelity, of not loving her and so on and so forth.

She expects you to perform a thousand and one feats of devotion before she takes the lid off the cookie jar, yet expects you to perform on demand whether you want to or not. This is another example of her utter lack of empathy. Sex is about what she needs in that given moment and has nothing to do with you. You’re nothing more than object who exists to service her every whim, need and insecurity.

The problem is that you love someone who can't love you back. They don't understand what love really is... .for them it's just emotion and feelings. And since emotions and feelings change, her "love" for you changes as well as the moods change. It's just who they are and nothing you will ever do can or will change that.