Married 30 years to a wife with BPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Iv been married to woman with BPD for 30 years.my children are grown, and also suffer with the pain of having a mother with BPD. I'm desperate to end the hell I'm in. I'm a retired firefighter, so I'm programmed to help people, but I can't help her. Her rages of anger and blaming me for everthing has taken a toll on me. I recently fond an artical on BPD and my jaw hit the floor, her psychiatrist confirmed what I expected. I became worse when our daughter married and our son moved out, she hates our son n law and now our future daughter n law. I'm finally ready to end the marriage and start my life over again. Please help me with any good information.

[Caw]

Iv been married to woman with BPD for 30 years.my children are grown, and also suffer with the pain of having a mother with BPD. I'm desperate to end the hell I'm in. I'm a retired firefighter, so I'm programmed to help people, but I can't help her. Her rages of anger and blaming me for everthing has taken a toll on me. I recently fond an artical on BPD and my jaw hit the floor, her psychiatrist confirmed what I expected. I became worse when our daughter married and our son moved out, she hates our son n law and now our future daughter n law. I'm finally ready to end the marriage and start my life over again. Please help me with any good information.

[Mike-X]

I am sorry to hear about your pain. 30 years is a long time. How did you do it? Have you read through the lessons, particularly on leaving/ending a relationship?

[hope2727]

 

I am sorry you had to experience all of this. Have you read some of the lessons on the right hand side? There is good information on this site and elsewhere. Have you read the book "stop walking on eggshells?" It is also a good place to start.

I hope you are getting some therapy for yourself. I know that I have found it invaluable. I found a psychologist who specializes in BPD and he meets me regularly. I saw him yesterday and it helps me to keep going. One foot in from t of the other. Meanwhile come read and post here. There are many supportive kind people here. They have helped me immensely.

[Panda39]

Hi Caw

I'm very glad you've found us.


I'm here because my SO (significant other) has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) so I understand and appreciate all of your effort to make your marriage work.  However, at some point all of us who divorce hit a wall so to speak where we realize things no matter how hard we try it's just not working and it's time to leave for our own well being.  It sounds like you are there.

Have you begun to act on your decision?  :)o you have an exit strategy? There are many things to think about and I'd like to recommend [L3] Family law, divorce, and custody Board for advice regarding divorce.  You will find members there that can share their experiences with divorce in general and divorce with a pwBPD (person with BPD) which can be high conflict. If you have questions or need advice this is the board for help with the "practical".

For support with the "emotional" i suggest you visit the [L3] Leaving: Detaching from the Wounds of a failed BPD Relationship Board.  Leaving a 30 year relationship even when you know it's the right thing to do is bound to be difficult.  You will find members there that are going through what you are and I'm sure you will find a lot of support and encouragement.  

Everyone on this web site understands what it is like to have a person with BPD in their lives.

Please take care of yourself... .do you have (real world) support in place?  

[whirlpoollife]

You made the first step by making the decision to leave the unhealthy marriage .  Some planning needs done though before you tell your spouse that you want a divorce.  The good thing is your children are grown so you don't have to add the custody battle to this.

You will need to interview a few attorneys . He or she needs to have a firm understanding of pwPD (people with personality disorders) and high conflict divorce.  That this isn't just a couple that drifted apart and want to split or a marriage that needs counseling to fix it all up.   

Be prepared to be blamed and in retaliation , will  come lots of entitlement. 

To help you plan , there are recommended books here and many articles , past posts, and workshops.

Ask questions , no matter how trival you might think they be .

I was married 27 years, still going through the divorce process, so you are not alone in the leaving a long marriage.  There are many here like this. It is an emotional and financial roller coaster , but so worth it to not take the other choice of staying.

[scraps66]

The sad truth is, firefighter or not, you can't help her.  She would have to want to change and for most BPs, mine included, this is just not the road chosen.  Blaming and finding fault with everyone else is the easier choice. 

[ForeverDad]

The sad truth is, firefighter or not, you can't help her.  She would have to want to change and for most BPs, mine included, this is just not the road chosen.  Blaming and finding fault with everyone else is the easier choice.

So true.  She's had 30 years to change and seek recovery.  That hasn't happened so the odds of her changing for the better now, after all this time, is virtually nil.  So any changes or improvements are up to you.

Here are some items to keep in mind, some already mentioned.

• Get legal consultations from experienced family law attorneys.  Very likely ending the marriage will not go smoothly.  So you need a lawyer who is both experienced and capable in court, not just a forms filer or hand holder.



• You have a right to confidential consultations with family law attorneys.  That means you do not have to submit to interrogations, ultimatums or disclose your end-of-relationship strategies.  You and your children are Priority One.



• You and your children would all surely benefit from counseling.  There's likely quite a bit of PTSD to deal with, even after getting out of range of attacks.



• Sadly, extended family such as the in-laws are typically blacklisted in an attempt to isolate you and the children, reasoning with the Person With BPD (pwBPD) won't help, the pwBPD isn't listening.



• Do not trust your spouse as an information source, she will claim you have no hope, trying to keep you off balance, confused and feeling powerless.



• Read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger

[Caw]

Thank you for responding to my letter, it's good to know there's other people who understand my situation. Please pray for me, I pray one day I get the chance to feel what it's like to be in a loving relationship.

[AliveButBeatup]

There are people here who understand your situation.  You can get through it. How is your mental health?  You might want to see a therapist to help you get through the process. Provide feedbac to you. You may suffer from PTSD.  Take stock of yourself as you have a journey ahead.

Please check in here periodically and let us know how you are doing.

ABB

[livednlearned]

Thank you for responding to my letter, it's good to know there's other people who understand my situation. Please pray for me, I pray one day I get the chance to feel what it's like to be in a loving relationship.

I was married 10 years to a man who was N/BPD. It took a few years with a skilled therapist for me to understand what my fixing/rescuing was all about, and it was pretty painful. That stuff can go back pretty far in childhood to some old, deeply buried hurts and fears. But it was worth it. I met a man in my neighborhood who was also divorced and have been dating for a little over 2 years. It's amazing to meet someone even, steady, loving, generous, who can reciprocate and is responsible for his own feelings.

The opportunity to be in a loving relationship is out there, but make sure you understand your own stuff first. That way, you'll be able to trust yourself when you begin to meet women, knowing that you won't fall for the same type.

[Caw]

Thank you, yes I'm getting help for my self, it's just finding the guts to move forward. I meet with my attorny Thursday , I'm praying for the strength to move forward , years of feeling like its my fault has taken a toll on me, I had a issue 3 years ago of abuseing prescription drugs to numb the pain, and she blames that for all our problems . But I got through that and its behind me. I lost my mother when I was 7 and my dad was abusive to her and mentally abusive to me so I have my own issues from that, but iv been blessed to have had the best two kids who are now grown and seeing them successful tells me I did something right, again thanks for taking the time to thank of me.

[livednlearned]

Thank you, yes I'm getting help for my self, it's just finding the guts to move forward.

It's a good idea to hold this information close and not discuss it with your wife. Maybe you have already decided to do that 

[jedimaster]

 

Hi, 33+ years here, and also meeting with an attorney Thursday for an initial consultation.  Thursday must be BPD Day   

I can only echo the other good comments on here.  Take care of yourself, first, last and in between.  Sounds like you are doing that.  It's not your fault, and to some degree it's not hers.  It's just how things are.  I do love my uBPDw, but I can't live like this the rest of my life and be emotionally healthy.  She's unaware of her issues and can't be persuaded that she has any reason to be helped for anything, so I feel I've run out of choices. 

I'm trying to move steadily forward, but taking my time as well.  I figure I've hung on for three decades, a few extra months to get fully prepared will be worth the effort.  Take your time, get your finances and exit plan in order, get all the legal advice you can, read the "Splitting" book and then re-read it.  Build a support team--therapist/counselor, support group, sympathic family/friends, etc.  Everyone on your team doesn't have to "know" they're on the team or know about your wife's situation.  Just as long as they are someone you can call on and you know they are there for you.

Good luck--see you on the other side! 

[toomanytears]

Hi, 33+ years here, and also meeting with an attorney Thursday for an initial consultation.  Thursday must be BPD Day   

I can only echo the other good comments on here.  Take care of yourself, first, last and in between.  Sounds like you are doing that.  It's not your fault, and to some degree it's not hers.  It's just how things are.  I do love my uBPDw, but I can't live like this the rest of my life and be emotionally healthy.  She's unaware of her issues and can't be persuaded that she has any reason to be helped for anything, so I feel I've run out of choices. 

I'm trying to move steadily forward, but taking my time as well.  I figure I've hung on for three decades, a few extra months to get fully prepared will be worth the effort.  Take your time, get your finances and exit plan in order, get all the legal advice you can, read the "Splitting" book and then re-read it.  Build a support team--therapist/counselor, support group, sympathic family/friends, etc.  Everyone on your team doesn't have to "know" they're on the team or know about your wife's situation.  Just as long as they are someone you can call on and you know they are there for you.

Good luck--see you on the other side! 

Amen to that and good luck 

[jedimaster]

Hope your meeting with your L went well.  Mine was most helpful.  I learned that several things I thought would be legal hassles actually don't apply to my situation.  From a legal standpoint I'm in pretty good shape.  The kicker, of course, is how she will react and what will happen when she finds out I'm ready to call it quits.  At this point I wouldn't even try to predict.  I'm going to try to finish the current remodeling/construction we are doing on our house before anything happens, so I'm probably 60-90 days out from saying anything to her.  In the meantime I'm going to finish my exit plan and work with the attorney to create a solid settlement proposal.  The plan is to try to start by making a good fair offer, with enough wiggle room that I can cave on some things so she can claim to have "won."  In our state for an uncontested divorce we can do everything outside of court up until we have a settlement we can agree on.  If that doesn't work then I will file with the court for a contested divorce and the fun begins.  

My hope is that she can be convinced that with an uncontested settlement we can each come out with a small nest egg to start over with, but if we slug it out in court, 33 years worth of marital assets will just go to pay off the lawyers, and the end result will be the same except we'll both be broke.

[OnceConfused]

CAW:

I lost my 1st wife about 10 years to a car accident and from then on I was awakened about my own mortality. I had known that we all were going to die but it did not hit me hard until I saw the lifeless body of my wife on the stretcher. After that, I had some time to ponder about what the meaning of life and how to live life FULLY. I had so many regrets about I had done to my wife but more importantly what I had not done. From those introspections came the following revelations or a change of paradigm:

1. Live simply

2. Less is more, practice detachment.

3. Practice mindfulness -

4. Live FULLY

5. Be a more compassionate person, better listener, more loving father.

Thanks to those relevations I was able to leave xBPDgf after 9 months of tangled up in BPD web.

My advices to you regarding LEAVING are:

1. Develop an exit strategy - finance (house, retirement, checking accounts)

2. Develop a new habit - taking up dancing, doing charity works, exercise more

3. Listen to motivational CD, the one I strongly recommend is "Staying the path" and "101 ways of transforming yourself". Both are read by Dr. Wayne Dyer which can be ordered through amazon. They are about 1 hour long of multiple one phrase of wisdom that help your mind focus on what matter most. In my case, I listened to both repeatedly for about 3 weeks (while driving, while practicing putting, before going to bed), those words of wisdom slowly sank into my subconscious and helped me CUT THE CORD with XBPDGF.  For example. Dr Dyer talked about that we need to find our path, get on that path and most importantly don't let others pull us off that path. It made me realize that XBPDGF was pulling me off that path to enlightenment.

The day I got enough courage to look her in the eyes and said goodbye also the day I overcame my internal attachment.  8 yrs later, I am a much happier man now. I found another woman to whom I am married. My new wife is what the XBPGF is not. I would not have found my wife now, had I not the courage to leave.

[Mike-X]

CAW:

I lost my 1st wife about 10 years to a car accident and from then on I was awakened about my own mortality. I had known that we all were going to die but it did not hit me hard until I saw the lifeless body of my wife on the stretcher. After that, I had some time to ponder about what the meaning of life and how to live life FULLY. I had so many regrets about I had done to my wife but more importantly what I had not done. From those introspections came the following revelations or a change of paradigm:

1. Live simply

2. Less is more, practice detachment.

3. Practice mindfulness -

4. Live FULLY

5. Be a more compassionate person, better listener, more loving father.

Thanks to those relevations I was able to leave xBPDgf after 9 months of tangled up in BPD web.

My advices to you regarding LEAVING are:

1. Develop an exit strategy - finance (house, retirement, checking accounts)

2. Develop a new habit - taking up dancing, doing charity works, exercise more

3. Listen to motivational CD, the one I strongly recommend is "Staying the path" and "101 ways of transforming yourself". Both are read by Dr. Wayne Dyer which can be ordered through amazon. They are about 1 hour long of multiple one phrase of wisdom that help your mind focus on what matter most. In my case, I listened to both repeatedly for about 3 weeks (while driving, while practicing putting, before going to bed), those words of wisdom slowly sank into my subconscious and helped me CUT THE CORD with XBPDGF.  For example. Dr Dyer talked about that we need to find our path, get on that path and most importantly don't let others pull us off that path. It made me realize that XBPDGF was pulling me off that path to enlightenment.

The day I got enough courage to look her in the eyes and said goodbye also the day I overcame my internal attachment.  8 yrs later, I am a much happier man now. I found another woman to whom I am married. My new wife is what the XBPGF is not. I would not have found my wife now, had I not the courage to leave.

just filled with emotion. so touching and inspirational. thanks.