Are there any enablers in your ex's family?

[peace_seeker]

My ex came from a broken family – his dad had extra-marrital affairs and physically abused his mom. So he lives with his mom and a younger sister.

The mom, in my opinion, is very manipulative. But her manipulation is always out of good intentions for her two children, never for her own good. So when it comes to her, I always have this struggle between respecting her as a super caring mom, or as a controlling freak who just cant let her kids grow up.

There are many many incidents in our 8 years r/s tat has made me believe that she is manipulative. But what happened at the very end, really blew my mind. In short, me an my ex broke up because he had a conflict with my brother and he felt that I have unfairly chosen my brother over him. And he threw me the ultimatum of breaking tie with my brother, or breaking up with him. When we finally broke up, he refused to talk to his mom, so the mom came to asked me what happened.

I told the mom everything, including the ultimatum he threw at me. I also confessed that I suspect he had a replacement (even though now I know I’ve wronged him). She agreed that my ex needs counsellor, for his way of handling conflict is way too extreme. For the record, she has always believe that her divorce has left a nasty impact on him and she has always encouraged him to seek counselling but he refuse to. But when my ex eventually opened up to her, he told her that I’m always picking fight with him, that I am immature and I have not grown up after all these years. And that it is my brother’s fault for picking a quarrel, but he never apologize. So his mom called and explained that there is really no other girl in my ex’s life, and told me that my ex is too egoistic, and he is only breaking up with me because he is too prideful to face my brother again. Which is fine, and what she says is rather impartial and I appreciate her for that. But she followed up by hinting that she’s wondering if my brother could apologize to my ex, to ‘soften’ him up and to ‘lessen his ego bruise’. And that got me rather upset. Her son, is asking me to severe ties with my brother, and yet she expects my brother to apologize to him? Why must the whole world worship him?

And that makes me realize/wonder that maybe my ex is the way he is because of how his mom has always indirectly enabled him. Rather than facing his issues directly, she’ll dance around the peripheral finding other ways to reach out to him in a non-hurtful and non-confrontational way. On hindsight, I felt that her lack of dominance in correcting him (maybe since young) has enable his dysfunctional way of handling his emotions.

Just wondering, if any of your ex also have such family members who have been enabling them?

[JRT]

Mine all went on and on about how it was great that she FINALLY found the right man for her AND her son... .how I did all of these great things for them and bleh, bleh, bleh, I thought that her family and friends were going to crown me king at one point... .then she does her disappearing act and guess what happens: they all unfriend me on facebook within a day! Even the obscure family members and in-laws. I spoke to her father a couple of times after the fact who viewed this as 'the family sticking together'. I could have exploded! I was almost tempted to ask him, 'Well, if she had very clearly murdered someone would you show up in court to glare at the victims family in a show of family unity'? (the irony here being the raging alcoholic that created her situation to begin with!).

If I had done what she had done, my entire family (joined with my friends) would have (rightfully) hunted me down and dragged me kicking and screaming back home to have either communicated with her like and adult to break up as an obscure option or told me to do whatever I had to do in order to insure that I my relationship was a success. Quaint, huh?

Where there is smoke there is fire.

[downwhim]

My ex fiancé's dad was an enabler. Whatever his son did was right. His dad is a former Marine high up in ranks and was a verbal and physical abuser. He I think is the reason my ex turned out to be so screwed up! He would beat his son for no reason. One time because his friend rode his bike into his dads new car. My ex got the beating of his life he said. At 18 he kicked my ex out of the house but first drove him to the Marine Corp. recruiting center and said it is here or the streets.

His dad is prejudice, sexist, and is a total control freak. Apple does not fall far from the tree.

Peace_keeper mommy dearest sounds like a nut case!

[raisins3142]

My uBPDexgf's family is not that close.

From what I have seen, they believe everything she says rather uncritically or at least don't call her on it.  That is a form of enabling I feel.

[.cup.car]

Literally everybody except her younger sister, who was like 15-16-17 at the time everything was happening.

Her dad's a prestigious tech school instructor and her mom's also a teacher. In court during the R/O hearings (I applied, police told me it would be a good idea), he dropped such amazing quotes as... .:

"Your honor, my daughter and I don't exactly understand why we're here... ."

He's called the cops on her for assaulting him several times. The high point was four times in a month (and police backed all of this up when I talked to them about her). Any idiot could assume this behavior probably continued outside of her family. Hardcore damage control.

"She doesn't want anything to do with him."

I had screencapped posts of her trying to start s**t with me on national holidays, two years after we'd split up, at the exact hours when she should have been out partying.

"My daughter is scared of this man."

I've got text messages where she admits to hitting me. And these can't be interpreted any other way, considering they're literally worded "pretty sure I punched you in the f*****g face." Every other saved message is her obsessing over me.

".cup.car told me these weird things over facebook... .he wants me to hold my daughter responsible for her actions... .what's that?"

This is a teacher saying this.

Meanwhile, here are some quotes from here sister... .

We know that my sister needs help and we've tried many times to get it for her, but at the end of the day, the balls is in her court. If she doesn't want the help that we try to get her, then nothing's going to change. We've literally done everything thats possible to get her the help she needs but like I said she doesn't want it.

This girl is fifteen when she's saying this.

You're a good guy for sticking around and being willing to give her another chance time and time again, but at this point you're like a toy to her.

This girl is fifteen when she's saying this.

Sorry for the long post but we're all real people behind these user names with our own individual stories, and I'd just like to say that somewhere in Canada, a seventeen year old girl who poses as a 23 year old on Tinder and whose sole priorities are not getting grounded & getting more followers on Instagram somehow has a better, more mature grasp on a domestic violence situation involving mental illness than her own father, who was the one to admit the girl to a psychiatric assessment clinic in the first place.

[Naturegirl_01]

To answer your question in short: WOW YES!

My BPDexbf lived at home with his parents and was a drug user, alcoholic and cheater - which all took place under their roof during the 8 years we were together. His parents were big enablers (and still are), and completely in denial about my ex having these issues and having BPD. They are alcoholics themselves, and I believe that if they had acknowledged my ex's issues, then that would mean they would have to accept the fact that they were complete failures of parents and they are probably the reason why my ex has BPD... .and they simply could not go there - yet would rather continue to drown themselves in liquor. Quite sad. This made my life absolute hell. They offered no support at all. My ex's brothers also were enablers, as they too preferred to ignore and deny everything.

The family's denial and enabling was so bad that his Mother would clean up after him - from used condoms that would be lying around the place, to slabs of empty beer bottles daily, razor blades... .and was even okay with having to wash his blood stained towels from his self harming and suicide attempts, yet never confronted her son (my ex) about anything at all... .

For so many years I tried to get my ex to see a psychologist and psychiatrist. It would take me months at a time to get him to even make an appointment to see a doctor... .and surprise surprise on the day of his appointment when she was supposed to drive him (because he didnt have a car and had to work), she would disappear from the house, leaving him stranded and unable to go to the appointment. She literally would purposely ruin months if not years of my extremely hard 'work' many times. I truly believe deep down she could not handle her own son attempting to get his life on track, simply because she had f***** up her own (excuse the language!) She really had nothing maternal about her.

Sadly my ex's parents denial and enabling got so extreme that after one of his episodes and suicide attempts he ended up in a psychiatric ward for 4 days or so... .and they did not go and visit him. Truly truly heartbreaking  During this time my ex after years finally got official diagnosis of BPD (and psychosis which he failed to tell me) and when I called a family meeting to tell them of the diagnosis and that he had attempted suicide (after many self harming episodes and suicide attempts prior which they were aware of but also denied) ... .and also that he was an alcoholic (was unaware of the drug use at this time)... .THEY LITERALLY LAUGHED IN MY FACE!

I just told these people their son wants to die blah blah blah and they LAUGHED! They said his use of alcohol to drown his emotions is and i quote "NORMAL"... .

... .speechless... .

No wonder my poor ex has so many issues :/

Peace_seeker ... .i feel your pain!

It is such a hard position to be in, and for me - I was the only person my ex had (clearly!)... .so this made it even harder for me to leave him... .  but of course it was the best decision for me to make.


Blessings

[Heldfast]

My ex-fiancée's father. Her mom is BPD and has it largely under control, but is very controlling of herself, and tries to get her daughter to be the same way, for her own good. Dad is the enabler, always bailing out, rushing to the rescue, preventing any consequences from her actions. But after Mister Fix runs in to save the day, he's emotionally distant until needed again. She has surrounded herself with enabling friends, and a life coach who couldn't help but cackle nervously every time I asked her a direct question, who offered nothing but bad advice ("you have doubts about your fiancé, oh my god that means something, maybe your relationship isn't that good." Or "You saw your first love at a wedding and still have feelings for him? You have to explore those and see what those feelings mean!", idiot just feeding my fiancée validation of her worst impulses.

[Splitblack4good]

My ex BPD gf had loads of enablers ! Starting with her parents . From new born to age of 6 gave her up to her grandparents then from 6 she had to witness her parents argue and try to destroy one another so in short from the age of 1 day to the age of 30 my ex has been abandoned not once been told her parents love her but made it clear they don't even like her ! So is no supprise she is the way she is 0 direction or guidance no identity everyday feelingd of non existance .mum is a pure out and out narc on the highest level explains my exes Npd traits thrown in to the mix of  the BPD . Her father was not an alcoholic however when he drank whisky on a weekend to clearly drown out his wife and the reality of his marriage  this turned to being aggressive and verbal abuse to then having an affair and leaving when my ex was only 11 he is a wealthy man and if my ex wanted atention from him his answer to it would be buy her what she wanted or throw money at her (explains impulsive spending and bad money handling ) What makes this worse is my ex knew her dad was having an affair with the new women before her mum found out . My ex hasn't seen her dad for well over 2 years and makes no effort to even try to make contact and only lives 3 miles from her . so talk about a double hit of abandonment ! . What makes me upset is her mum just blames her for her behaivour and just makes out her daughter was born this way . My ex even calls her my her first name now and doesn't call her mum .

I'm not making excuses for my exes behaviour or BPD but I can clearly understand why she ended up the way she did as she doesn't know how to behaive and have the respect for other human beings and what she has learned is from watching her parents . Wouldn't be as bad if one of her parents was like this but both ! It's very sad in a way that my ex couldn't see that i was just trying to help her and guide her but in the end all that did is make me an enabler ! How ironic !

[drummerboy]

Oh Lordy yes! My exes mom was her enabler in chief. She would take phone calls from my ex for several hours everyday and basically agree with my ex about how the world was always dealing her sh&tty hands. She would help my ex correct students work (ex was a teacher) she would drive 20 miles to clean my exes apartment, my ex would call her mom on the very rare occasions when she would do grocery shopping to ask if she should buy the soft or extra soft butter or the 2% or 4% milk. It was ridiculous. My ex just clicked her fingers and her mom came running. Pay bills for her, you name it. My ex was 32 years old and came across as a strong independent woman to those who didn't know her too well, she had that act down really well. In reality she was a frightened little girl and her mom "needed to be needed"

[antelope]

My uBPDexgf's family is not that close.

From what I have seen, they believe everything she says rather uncritically or at least don't call her on it.  That is a form of enabling I feel.

^^my ex's fam has the outward appearance of closeness, but all they do is talk trash about one another... .and the ones that got away (a brother, a sister, uncle, etc), NEVER came back

but exactly like you describe: everyone keeps their mouth shut, even though the smell of sh1t is overwhelming... .and yes, this is DEFINITELY a form of enabling!

[clydegriffith]

I wouldn't exactly label her family enablers but i don't think they handle the matter as seriously as they should given that this woman runs around having a baby with a different guy every couple of years. In all fairness though i'm sure they're long tired of her crap.

[Maternus]

The mother of my ex is an enabler. She lives in another town so they don't see often. But my ex's mother never said a word when my ex acted out on her children. We regularly spent three weeks of the summer vacation at her house and she never showed some real interest in her grandchildren. She was emotionally unavailable to them and never spent some time on her own with them. I had a short email conversation with my ex's mother after the breakup and told her, that she should take her daughter to task because she was disregarding her children's needs before and after the breakup. I had a very close relationship to her children and both got sick after she told him that she leaves me for another man. I was hit rock bottom but took care of her children while she was going to work (where she met my replacement). Her mother replied that she is confident about her daughter being a good mother.