Why does a BPD want to hurt us so much?

[Samuel S.]

Yeah, why does a BPD want to hurt us so much. My latest examples were today. My BPDw prepared food for her D18 at college and brought it to her. My BPDw has limited time due to needing to work and choosing to further her education. She complains to me that she is so stressed. Then, she begins to complain to me that she is so overbooked and feels like she is being pulled in all directions. Part of the issue today was that she does not know if she is going to have a lot of studying to do 2 weeks from now when it is Valentine's Day. So, she suggested that we go out to dinner tonight. I even suggested that we order the food to go. She could continue studying. I could bring the food to us without interrupting her time by driving to the restaurant and being waited upon. Nevertheless, she told me outright: "She wants to get it - our Valentine's date - out of the way." Yeah, you read that correctly: "out of the way". While we did go out to dinner, with her current complaining and with her "out of the way" comment, she spoiled my dinner. In the meantime at dinner, she seemed nice and relaxed, now that she took out all of her negativity onto me.

Our BPDs can have all the problems of the world. They can have all the stress, BUT does that mean that they take it out on us? We are there to listen, to validate, and perhaps even to help if they ask for our advice.

I did not do anything to aggravate her at all! Yet, she hurts, and she thus hurts me. I have too many other situations which she has conveniently forgotten or twisted so that she feels "superior". I have a major case of FOG!

[Wood stock]

This goes along with my post a few weeks ago: " Why do they s*** where they eat?"... .I don't get it either, friend.

[Samuel S.]

It's like they are wounded animals from the past. So, they conveniently take out their anger onto us who have been there for them, who have loved them, who have cared for them, who have validated them. Then, once they lash out onto us, they expect us to be like little puppies wagging our tails to only say that they can continue hurting us.

Wood stock, I am so very exhausted with this extremely manipulative, negative S***! I am doing my best to get myself financially independent, but it sure is hard.

[BestVersionOfMe]

It's like they are wounded animals from the past. So, they conveniently take out their anger onto us who have been there for them, who have loved them, who have cared for them, who have validated them. Then, once they lash out onto us, they expect us to be like little puppies wagging our tails to only say that they can continue hurting us.

Wood stock, I am so very exhausted with this extremely manipulative, negative S***! I am doing my best to get myself financially independent, but it sure is hard.

It has always been my opinion that BPD's hate themselves and the role of the SO is frequently just be someone to unload on every day.  By unloading on to you, they feel better, even if just for a moment.  It is a brief reprieve from themselves just as getting drunk is for an alcoholic or eating is for someone else.  It is self soothing, yet it never really gets at the core of the problem.  They have many issues, but unloading on you is one of the many ways they can hurt you, IF YOU LET THEM!

[Samuel S.]

BestVersionOf Me, you raise a lot of good points in your response! Thank you for your amazing insight!

Yes, IF YOU LET THEM, BPDs can hurt you. I have tried and tried and tried to counteract my BPDw's abusive talk to no avail by talking with her. It has gotten to the point that, and I am afraid to even to admit it to myself not alone to all of you, that I am honestly very weak emotionally. Professionally, it has been my great escape, but it is only temporary. It has been my joy along with getting together with friends, exercising, going to movies, etc. Yet, to have that personal connection with the one person whom I had been loving is rapidly disappearing along with me being very weak emotionally.

I shared what happened recently with a dear friend of mine just today. She said that I was given "crumbs" of what a loving relationship should be. Of course, I almost began to cry because of the "crumbs" reference. It is no wonder why I feel crummy and depressed. I haven't done anything wrong. In fact, I have done everything in my power to please, but like you said, they will continuously unload ways to hurt due to them being hurt already.

All of the above are reasons why I am looking into becoming more independent financially and to get out of here!

[BestVersionOfMe]

BestVersionOf Me, you raise a lot of good points in your response! Thank you for your amazing insight!

Yes, IF YOU LET THEM, BPDs can hurt you. I have tried and tried and tried to counteract my BPDw's abusive talk to no avail by talking with her. It has gotten to the point that, and I am afraid to even to admit it to myself not alone to all of you, that I am honestly very weak emotionally. Professionally, it has been my great escape, but it is only temporary. It has been my joy along with getting together with friends, exercising, going to movies, etc. Yet, to have that personal connection with the one person whom I had been loving is rapidly disappearing along with me being very weak emotionally.

I shared what happened recently with a dear friend of mine just today. She said that I was given "crumbs" of what a loving relationship should be. Of course, I almost began to cry because of the "crumbs" reference. It is no wonder why I feel crummy and depressed. I haven't done anything wrong. In fact, I have done everything in my power to please, but like you said, they will continuously unload ways to hurt due to them being hurt already.

All of the above are reasons why I am looking into becoming more independent financially and to get out of here!

Good to hear.  Don't take it all personally, it is not, they are her issues, not yours.  Read all of the lessons on this site and use them.

[Samuel S.]

Tonight, I was tutoring a young lady when I was approached by a former student who was holding his infant in one hand and a poetry book in the other. He asked me to read a Spanish poem which he loves, because he loves how I read and that it would be nice for the infant. The student whom I was tutoring and her mother said it was fine, and I did recite the poem in Spanish. Afterward, he gave me a hug, and I continued tutoring. My former student, the student whom I was tutoring, and the mother were all so very glad that I did what I did. It didn't really impact me emotionally until after having finished tutoring the student, but I was then very moved by the whole situation.

Once my BPDw called me and asked me about my day which is extremely rare for her to do, I shared with her what happened and how sweet the whole situation was. She didn't say anything at first and then said that the father should have read it himself instead of me. I tried to share with her about how tender the whole interaction was. In fact, the father shared on Facebook about how I made his night.

So, BestVersionOfMe, I did not take it personally. She wasn't there. I am just the kind of guy who will do something for others, because I care. I have come to the conclusion that she has been hurt so very much, that for me to care as deeply as I do and for her not to care is rather threatening to her, and she is probably envious that I would want to do this. Perhaps, she needed such attention when she was younger, but I do care and am attentive to he nowr. Ergo, she is envious of any attention that I give to others.

All I can say is that it was a positive moment when I helped the father and the child, and my BPDw's attempt to smear the emotional moment did not work.

[BestVersionOfMe]

Tonight, I was tutoring a young lady when I was approached by a former student who was holding his infant in one hand and a poetry book in the other. He asked me to read a Spanish poem which he loves, because he loves how I read and that it would be nice for the infant. The student whom I was tutoring and her mother said it was fine, and I did recite the poem in Spanish. Afterward, he gave me a hug, and I continued tutoring. My former student, the student whom I was tutoring, and the mother were all so very glad that I did what I did. It didn't really impact me emotionally until after having finished tutoring the student, but I was then very moved by the whole situation.

Once my BPDw called me and asked me about my day which is extremely rare for her to do, I shared with her what happened and how sweet the whole situation was. She didn't say anything at first and then said that the father should have read it himself instead of me. I tried to share with her about how tender the whole interaction was. In fact, the father shared on Facebook about how I made his night.

So, BestVersionOfMe, I did not take it personally. She wasn't there. I am just the kind of guy who will do something for others, because I care. I have come to the conclusion that she has been hurt so very much, that for me to care as deeply as I do and for her not to care is rather threatening to her, and she is probably envious that I would want to do this. Perhaps, she needed such attention when she was younger, but I do care and am attentive to he nowr. Ergo, she is envious of any attention that I give to others.

All I can say is that it was a positive moment when I helped the father and the child, and my BPDw's attempt to smear the emotional moment did not work.

I'm glad you didn't take it personally, and in fact that was likely more of my own assumed response, rather than your actual one.  I find it hard to share a moment with my wife about anything that she is truly happy about.  It makes sense though, she is consumed with her own emotions and feelings of inadequacy.  BPD's see life as zero sum gain.  If you are happy, that means they are not.  Your moment with that child and father was a beautiful thing, yet her self defense mechanisms won't allow her to see it that way.  I find that sad, but it is what it is.

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw returned from her 3 days at a university with her classes, complaining about how much more studying she has to do. BTW, she is the one who has chosen to make this career move in a couple of years. Then, she complained that she was called in to work more at her regular job. Then, she looked over a summary of our mortgage payments for last year, complaining that we could have put more money in. This almost the beginning of an argument was due to the fact that she was always wanting me to pay more each month for our condo, although she continuously wanted to make improvements on our condo and wanting me to pay money for other things, including vacations, until all my inheritance money dried up. Yes, it was almost the beginning of an argument, but I did not say anything to retort. I said that I have applied for an advancement for next year by helping more students. Of course, she didn't say anything, because she couldn't possibly complain about something like that. Then, the rest of the evening, she devoted time to her studies, and I went to bed.

What she doesn't know is that if I do get that advancement, I am out of here! Then, she will realize how much of a fool she has been by not realizing how the both of us have contributed and how much she is going to miss me. Like a musical lyric said, "you don't know what you've got til it's gone".

[notdownyet]

I'm sure there’s a multitude of reasons behind why they hurt us so.

I often feel that it's a control/power thing taking place, with the pwBPD needing to be self-validated some very negative feeling.  To do this, you'll need to become the "bad guy", usually in a blaming scenario.

My BPDw does this frequently.  Once she's decided that I'm the bad guy, the gloves come off and there are no rules.

I often sense that there's some level of sadistic pleasure taking place; like a cat playing with a mouse.  Must be liberating for someone with so little sense of self, to have so much power.

Maybe they want to see the hurt that they feel inside, acted out in front of them, but at the same time retaining the victim stance.  Easily over-come with some powers of manipulation and disassociation.

Sounds like I could be describing a sociopath.

[BestVersionOfMe]

I'm sure there’s a multitude of reasons behind why they hurt us so.

I often feel that it's a control/power thing taking place, with the pwBPD needing to be self-validated some very negative feeling.  To do this, you'll need to become the "bad guy", usually in a blaming scenario.

My BPDw does this frequently.  Once she's decided that I'm the bad guy, the gloves come off and there are no rules.

I often sense that there's some level of sadistic pleasure taking place; like a cat playing with a mouse.  Must be liberating for someone with so little sense of self, to have so much power.

Maybe they want to see the hurt that they feel inside, acted out in front of them, but at the same time retaining the victim stance.  Easily over-come with some powers of manipulation and disassociation.

Sounds like I could be describing a sociopath.

I think most of it is projection.  They are very unhappy people with a lot of depression, anxiety, and live life helpless and in fear.  They unload on us to continue to live in their bubble and also probably to rationalize their behaviors through blame.  It is a sick, sick illness. 

[Samuel S.]

You folks are definitely right! Notdownyet, our BPDs have so much hurt inside, that they are almost overflowing. Thus, they blurt out their hurt in any way they can with the people they are close to. Then, they expect us to feel just as depressed and as unhappy as they are. UGH! Yeah, you're right. A BPD is like a sociopath.

Mine was complaining last night about a credit bill and thus have to work that much more. Yet, what she fails to realize is that a majority of each credit card bill is based on her expenses for her hotel room when she is away, for books, etc. So, I didn't say anything, because she just wanted to pick a fight due to her inner anger wanting to be expressed and to incite. BPDw, it didn't work, even though I wish you would see how much of a fool you really are!

[Samuel S.]

Tonight, after my BPDw returned from visiting with her D18 who's in college very close by, my BPDw has been complaining about her upset stomach which she admitted a long time ago is due to the stress and physical abuse that was inflicted upon her by her mother. I suggested that if she wants to, that I am here to talk with her. Not only have I made this offer tonight, but very frequently in the past. Yet, she again said no. I feel for her, and I wish I could comfort her, but she knows that this situation has been with her all of her life.

While I do feel bad for her, it is very interesting that she will not become abusive with me at that time, but she most certainly will be abusive with me when she feels "superior". Yeah, I could retort, but I have in the past to no avail. It is like talking to the wall. She refuses to listen, and even if she does, she will continue now and in the future.

[Samuel S.]

Along with the emotional and mental abuse that she has inflicted onto me, I realize that it is a question of control. My BPDw's mother never listened to her. So, my BPDw feels that it is "okay" to say whatever she wishes and almost to insist that everyone listens to her. Yeah, just like her mother. When I try to share my perspective which can be to agree with her or to simply express my point of view of things going on with my life, she most often will not listen or contradict what I have to say. It is just regular talk, no arguing, but she feels it is important for her to "control" everything and everyone, even though she is in no way in control of her own self. That is just another reason why I am hurting, but I would never hurt her. You see, I know and am sensitive of my own hurt and the hurt of others. I am there to help. That is why I got into teaching, because I was and am still able to listen and to be sensitive to others. Personally, I listen and am sensitive to family and friends. I know the value and the importance of people, precious human beings who are always worthy of respect and dignity. I am also very patient with others.