My Brother has finally understood

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After a two year bitter, insane battle with courts & lawyers... .my abused brother has finally stood up & did what needed to be done.  After years of physical, mental abuse after all of that... .& $90,000xx in court fees(based on insane allegations)  stood his ground and filed charges after a drop-off of his autistic son his ex tried to strangle him... .He finally laid charges, it took all this time as an abused man to finally stand-up for himself. I am proud for him for at this moment he finally realized  "No more". As he waffled dealing with the female cop who treated him & I (his sister) like a piece of sh_t, until she looked up the history. For all you men, who are good Dad's, a little weak on the defending yourself... .please don't give up... .and don't sit back & ignore the sh_t because of fear!  Bullies feed on your fear!

[WorriedSibling]

After a two year bitter, insane battle with courts & lawyers... .my abused brother has finally stood up & did what needed to be done.  After years of physical, mental abuse after all of that... .& $90,000xx in court fees(based on insane allegations)  stood his ground and filed charges after a drop-off of his autistic son his ex tried to strangle him... .He finally laid charges, it took all this time as an abused man to finally stand-up for himself. I am proud for him for at this moment he finally realized  "No more". As he waffled dealing with the female cop who treated him & I (his sister) like a piece of sh_t, until she looked up the history. For all you men, who are good Dad's, a little weak on the defending yourself... .please don't give up... .and don't sit back & ignore the sh_t because of fear!  Bullies feed on your fear!

[Panda39]

Good for him! 

Keep supporting him and encouraging him. 

Have you told him about BPD Family?  He'd fit right in 

[WorriedSibling]

Yes he knows about this site but he is dyslexic so writing on a board open to criticism is a little hard for him.  He's just a really shy, introverted sweetie who unfortunately never stood up for himself. Yes what he truly needs is to touch base with other men who have been abused but there is so much stigma to all of that!   I can only show the way, and then he has to make the decisions and he just did so.  Recovering after years of abuse! STill freaks me out, if he was women in Toronto, Ontario, Canada... .she would have been in jail a long... .time ago.

[Panda39]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=227390.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=157746.0


I did a search... .physical abuse on men and was able to pull the threads above.  Maybe something helpful in there for your brother, if nothing else he should know that he is absolutely not alone and there is no stigma here with us.

How are your typing skills?   Maybe your brother could dictate a post that you type for him.

[WorriedSibling]

Thank you Panda!  I've been reading, only made a few posts for a few years now.  I type very fast & pretty accurate... .he's not at that point yet. What's that old saying 'You can lead them to water but you can't make them drink'.  I know too clash-ea. His issues have pretty much destroyed my elderly parents... .both monetarily and emotionally.  The severity of these court issues have not destroyed my husband & I but could very easily have done so.  I am very fortunate that my husband accepts my brother, unconditionally.

The court system is complete BS... .numerous orders totally ignored by his ex... .and they know she has some major issues.  She is just smart enough to play the system and yet still be completely off kilter on every issue and illicit sympathy. She may be BPD but she's not stupid at all, even if she loses it she will find an excuse as to why... .even if there is physical proof otherwise.

Either way my nephew loses, because for her it's a war, not what's best for her son.  And even if the courts recognize this... .they still sit on their hands because Why... .the system has deemed that these contentious crazy people are dictating their issues and using the system and as a Mom she can claim it and they have to act on it whether it's truth or more BS.  So take your $$ to your Lawyers and your family willingly hands over $$$ with the expressed idea that the courts will prevail... .in the best interests of a child (esp one who is special needs), and then you realize it's all BS. 

I would just like to see some Peace in my brother & his son's life.  Maybe with open  discussion about these kind of issues (some media that it's not always an abused women) & realize that many wonderful father's are victims as well!   I'll shut up... .been ramblin too long here but I thank you for your kind thoughts.

[Panda39]

Hi WorriedSibling,

My SO also went through a 2 year divorce didn't spend as much as your brother but did spend until what he had ran out.  By the time they actually got to their divorce hearing neither he or his ex had attorneys.

I met my SO when he was separated several months but was there like you are to watch the nightmare which is divorcing someone with BPD.  My SO left and his children stayed with their mom (a choice he would do differently if he could do it over) so she had primary custody at the beginning.

Yep for the uBPDxw it was all about her it has never been about the kids unless it in someway reflected on her.  Cause she was "supermom" don't you know! 

His uBPxw neglected their daughters, pulled one out of school for a year to do "on-line" school which didn't happen, one daughter ended up with a tooth extraction because for months mom wouldn't get her to the dentist, they lived in filth, she was evicted twice during that time (has since been evicted a 3rd and now lives in a hotel).  Then we had the false charges of child abuse made against my SO and parental alienation.  But my SO didn't give up on his daughters.

As hard as all of this is your brother is doing the right thing fighting for his son.  Over the last 4 years my SO has gone from what I describe above to a very close relationship with his daughters.  He has created an alternate universe where they are cared for and can be themselves.  Both D14 and D18 have gone very low with their mother for time being and she painted them black because they won't play her game anymore.  My SO's uBPDxw now has a warrant out for her arrest - felony check fraud/no show at court.  She has recently changed hotels so right now no on knows where she is.  It's like watching a train wreck. 

How old is your nephew?  What does custody look like at the moment? How is he doing with what is going on.  Are either your brother or nephew getting therapy?  I think it would be beneficial for both to have someone outside the situation they could talk with.

There is a book about the high conflict divorce with someone with BPD... .Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy, Randi Kreger that might be helpful.  I'm not sure if it comes on "tape" or not (might be easier to listen rather than read for your bro).

Hang in there with your brother he's really lucky to have you in his corner! 

[enlighten me]

Its a difficult thing for a man to admit to being a victim of abuse. For some reason we dont think we are. I had that lightbulb moment months ago and it was a shock to me. Im an ex soldier and now have what would be considered a fairly macho job. I am probably one of the last people that you would consider to be a victim of abuse.

While I was never physically abused the mental abuse took its toll on me. I left the relationship with PTSD.

Let your brother know he"s not alone and there are plenty of us that can sympathise with him. 

[WorriedSibling]

Panda

"Yep for the uBPDxw it was all about her it has never been about the kids unless it in someway reflected on her.  Cause she was "supermom" don't you know!  barfy

OK that statement actually made me laugh because it's so true "Supermom", yep with the deeply hidden (if you don't know her beyond superficial) issues that can and do get hidden for years.  His  case is in a limbo state at the moment due to the exBPD & her incredibly smart/stupid lawyer.  Custody is still up in the air, waiting for major psychological assessment (court ordered) but like every issue nothing is ever simple or done as "ordered". 

Tks for you input & it seems that your SO's children as almost adults figured out the issues and he has done well establishing a relationship with them. Good for him.

[WorriedSibling]

Enlighten Me,

You are so correct, it is so very hard for a man! 

PTSD is certainly a issue in his situation... .and we see it when he gets "thought raddled" when lawyer & others ask him questions.  He has a very difficult time remembering numbers, the sequence of dates after the fact and various other cognitive issues.  I'm just kinda of his "memory" for dates/time/documents etc.  Not having to deal with her 24/7 these past 2 years has helped that he is somewhat back to the guy our family knows. Problem is with every big issue/hurdle you can see him slide, but the good news is the slide doesn't last as long and he is not sitting on the fence anymore.  Yeah for him!  I will show him your post and I thank you for your input as a man who does understand! 

 

[livednlearned]

A bit off topic, but I'm dyslexic too. There is a bunch of shame that goes with it because easy things are so hard, and the self-talk can be pretty punishing -- a book that changed my life is The Dyslexic Advantage.

He might not be a big reader, but if he decided to read only one book, this is it. 

[Panda39]

Tks for you input & it seems that your SO's children as almost adults figured out the issues and he has done well establishing a relationship with them. Good for him.

I just want you and your brother to know that it does end and it does get better... .keep your eye on the prize