Hi!
Thank you clljhns and Kwamina
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Clljhns, I felt like a grown-up person asking for what I need and at the same time I was a little sad that I had to ask for it. Part of me does not believe I am as important as my inlaws and yet I cringe at this untruth while I write it down. It is the same old battle between empowerment and powerlessness. I will just keep trying to achieve a sense of control over my own life.
My partner was understanding and he said we would try to free some quality time for each other. I hope we will not get into trouble with my inlaws when we say we cannot visit them once in a while. To understand this properly you would have to know about my MIL’s BPD traits (or maybe she even has (u)BPD for all I know); my FIL enables her. I don’t know if this is the place to elaborate on that though... .I’ve been wondering if I should open a new topic on this and maybe I will actually do so, though it feels a bit awkward, as if I'd paint them black.
Kwamina thank you for your kind words. My support network includes not only my best friends and my paternal family but also the great people on this board
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An important difference is that now you've got more tools at your disposal to help you deal with those triggers.
Yesterday I got triggered when my partner and I were reading a magazine and there was a quote from a kids’ film in there. I remembered some very very vague fragments of it and I became very sad that my memories of that time are so poor. Before, I would have swallowed that feeling and then around bedtime when my partner would be tired, I would blame myself for him being tired (my mind is twisted in very specific ways you know
). But yesterday, I allowed myself to feel the sadness and to feel sad for little Polly. I felt much better afterwards, not like there was all this sh-t in my mind which I always feel after I’ve been triggered and not expressed the feeling properly.
You didn’t file the complaint but the fact that you went to the police and told your story was already a huge step. To me it shows that you are no longer afraid and are breaking out of isolation. You are starting to place the responsibility for the abuse on your mother now and realizing that you as a child were indeed powerless. This is very significant progress Polly
Yes, the realisation that I was powerless allows me to move forward now. Ironically, it empowers me now because it allows me to feel the emotions that have been locked up inside me for two decades.
They did not think people read their email during the afternoon? Really? I do hope you get to talk to your T about these things, I can definitely see why you are finding this annoying.
Yup, that’s literally what they said. Thanks for reminding me that this is not normal. I have been thinking about T lately. Now that I am able to talk about the abuse with my friend and my aunt, I do not feel like I need a lot more EMDR sessions on the abuse. There are other bad memories but they are not that bad. I feel like I am ready for the next step in T, but maybe that’s an issue for another topic... .
Incidentally, my maternal aunt sent me an email the other day. She urged me to get in touch because, according to uBPDm, I had the keys to my aunt and uncle’s house and she wanted them back (I don’t have those keys and have never even had them in the first place). She also said that she and uBPDm were involved in some sort of argument (big surprise). I did not care about this at all. It’s probably all lies; a trap. And even if it’s not, I do not want to speak to my mother’s sister. They were so unkind to me in the past that I do not feel obliged to reply.
