caretaking BPD parent

[Depression = 72% of members]

I moved from another state to help parents after my mom came home from rehabilitation.  She is quite healthy now with some balance problems.  She also developed a phobia where she won't be alone for 5 mins. I do all cooking and cleaning as well as everything she won't do. She insists s vBulletin e is helpless and constantly calls on me to get her pudding , let dog in out ect. I feel more like a slave as there isn't really a reason why she does nothing. I have been doing this 7 days a week cir 5 months. I'm not allowed to go anywhere alone, or she calls constantly.  If I don't conform she has told ither family that I am mean as I refuse to tell her my every move and I won't sit in her room all day with her. She has been to therapist prescribed meds which have little effect. She has major control issues and have caught her many times watching me. I am now not in position to move as I have taken a k arge decrease in pay to help. Which apparently I'm not good enough and I'm mean because she keeps violating boundries and individualality which has resulted in resentment towards her.

[simon33]

I moved from another state to help parents after my mom came home from rehabilitation.  She is quite healthy now with some balance problems.  She also developed a phobia where she won't be alone for 5 mins. I do all cooking and cleaning as well as everything she won't do. She insists s vBulletin e is helpless and constantly calls on me to get her pudding , let dog in out ect. I feel more like a slave as there isn't really a reason why she does nothing. I have been doing this 7 days a week cir 5 months. I'm not allowed to go anywhere alone, or she calls constantly.  If I don't conform she has told ither family that I am mean as I refuse to tell her my every move and I won't sit in her room all day with her. She has been to therapist prescribed meds which have little effect. She has major control issues and have caught her many times watching me. I am now not in position to move as I have taken a k arge decrease in pay to help. Which apparently I'm not good enough and I'm mean because she keeps violating boundries and individualality which has resulted in resentment towards her.

[Kwamina]

Hi simon33

Welcome to bpdfamily  Your mother's behavior sounds quite draining and difficult to handle. You say you moved home to help your parents after your mom got home from rehabilitation. The way your mother is behaving now, is this something she also did before you moved back? How was your relationship with your mom when you still lived in another state?

Your mother has been to a therapist, do you know if she perhaps has been diagnosed with any mental, emotional and/or behavioral disorders?

The situation you're in is quite difficult and sounds like it might require you to set and enforce some boundaries with your mother. Perhaps you will benefit from reading some of the material we have on here about boundaries:

Boundaries and Values

Examples of boundaries

I also recommend you take a look at an article we have here about fear, obligation and guilt (FOG). You mention your mother being very controlling. Do you feel like she uses fear, obligation and/or guilt to control you. Here's an excerpt from the article:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

You can read the entire article about FOG here:

Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

[HappyChappy]

Hi simon,

just want to add moral support here. Your situation does sound very difficult, and I would also recommend reading around the subject - Kwamina  makes some good suggestions. The F.O.G. article in particular. You should also consider what's best for you. BPD are master manipulators. Best of Luck.  

[Turkish]

Hello simon33, I'd like to join the others in welcoming you here.

I'm sorry that it seems like your life has been taken over by caretaking your mother. From what you say, it looks like all that you do is never good enough. Your mother sounds like what Lawson describes as the Borderline Waif's emotional state as being helpless. Here is a discussion about the various tyes as described in Understanding the Borderline Mother:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

You've taken on what amounts to a thankless role. That you are resentful is jusified. In a perfect world, you're being dutiful, but in BPD world, driven by fear, you've become an avatar of your mother's fears. From what you describe, your mother's not an invalid.

What is your worst fear if you back off from the care taking? I'll share mine, because I was doing financial rescues for my mom (among other things). My fear is that my mother would become homeless. Given that her depression and BPD actually resulted in us being homeless for a time when I was a child, her fear became mine, in a sense.