Needing some advice

[klm72791]

Hi there. I've recently been having a lot of issues with my mentally ill mother and I really just need someone to talk to who will understand. I am 23 years old, and I have been living on my own (married) for four years now. I try to talk to my husband and friends about my relationship/issues with my mom, but no one seems to grasp exactly how I feel.

My mom has been diagnosed with chronic depression and OCD. Doctors have also mentioned manic depression and schizophrenia but have never actually diagnosed her as such. I firmly believe that she has BPD. She has all the signs. Her father committed suicide when she was 8 years old and she went on to live a life filled with a lot of dysfunction. I live about a five hour drive from her, but I constantly feel smothered by her. She has no friends and does not speak to her family members on a regular basis (usually only on birthdays or holidays). She is still married and lives with my father, but they do not have a strong relationship. I feel like she is always running to me for support and putting all her problems on me. I can't have a real conversation with her, because once I say anything that is somehow about myself, she will change the subject to something about her. She always blames my dad and me for her problems, and when I try to set a boundary, such as not being able to visit because of a busy schedule, she will tell me that I am a horrible daughter and that "I sure will feel guilty when she passes away and I haven't seen her".

She seems functional to a stranger, but she is not. She is horrible with her money, and goes through her social security checks before the month is over. She has obsessions - getting the mail (mostly catalogs... .if she doesn't receive one in the mail one day, she will get extremely upset and sad), going to a place in our hometown called Friendly's (she goes here daily, and has been going for over ten years), shopping (she will spend hundreds of dollars on diamond earrings and purses, and then will return them the next day), binge eating, and getting upset over noises that she can't control (she will scream in her apartment hallway if someone slams a door). She used to scream in public often but that has died down in recent years. I know for a fact that she lies to her psychiatrist about how she is doing.

I am at my wit's end. There are so many things from my childhood that I either remember clearly, or vaguely, that enrage me and bring me to the point of hating her. I know there was emotional and verbal abuse. I remember one or two times of physical abuse and I have a strong feeling that sexual abuse occurred as well. I do remember her thinking it was funny to show relatives how we could "make out" and I remember my one aunt threatening to take me away after a display. My aunt and my mom never spoke again after that. I am frustrated that my family members, especially my dad, knew what was going on and no one did anything while I was living at home. Now that I am an adult, I can't seem to figure out where my place is. I feel extremely guilty when I ignore her phone calls or don't go visit her. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I am tired of her blaming me for the faults in her life and I am tired of being her only support system.

[clljhns]

Hi klm72791 and 

I am so sorry that your mom has placed such a burden on you and I am glad you are here to get the support you need.

My mom has been diagnosed with chronic depression and OCD. Doctors have also mentioned manic depression and schizophrenia but have never actually diagnosed her as such. I firmly believe that she has BPD. She has all the signs

It is common that pwBPD are often diagnosed with other mental disorders before BPD is finally identified. You state that doctors considered schizophrenia. What evidence did they provide to support such a diagnosis?

I can't have a real conversation with her, because once I say anything that is somehow about myself, she will change the subject to something about her. She always blames my dad and me for her problems, and when I try to set a boundary, such as not being able to visit because of a busy schedule, she will tell me that I am a horrible daughter and that "I sure will feel guilty when she passes away and I haven't seen her".

This sounds very typical of BPD behavior. Also you mentioned that mom doesn't have any friendships or close family relationships. This also seems to be a hallmark of pwBPD as they tend to run off anyone they get close to. Not to say that these can't also be indicators of other mental illnesses.

There are so many things from my childhood that I either remember clearly, or vaguely, that enrage me and bring me to the point of hating her. I know there was emotional and verbal abuse. I remember one or two times of physical abuse and I have a strong feeling that sexual abuse occurred as well. I do remember her thinking it was funny to show relatives how we could "make out" and I remember my one aunt threatening to take me away after a display.

This is disturbing that your mother had you pretend to "make out." Have you spoken to a professional about the abuse and your suspicions? One of the most challenging things for a child of a parent with BPD is to take care of themselves. We were trained from a very young age to think of our parents needs, to the exclusion of our own. Because of this it can lead to years of feeling guilty for not wanting to take care our parents needs and a feeling obligation to do so. Have you read the article on this board Fear, Obligation, and Guilt https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-parent?  Most importantly, what are you doing for yourself right now? I understand the need to know how to deal with mom, but the best way for you to learn new ways of interacting with mom is to heal from the abuse.

I would also suggest that you read the article, also on this board, that deals with emotional incest https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-parent.

I want you to know that you are among friends here. Looking forward to hearing from you. 

[klm72791]

Hi clljhns! Thank you so much for responding to me.

I am not sure why they mentioned my mother possibly having schizophrenia. I believe this occurred about thirty years ago and maybe that was all that they had to go off. My mom hasn't been diagnosed since then. She did have a couple rounds of shock therapy before I was born. My mom doesn't seem to want to talk about her illness or diagnosis so when I ask her questions, I don't usually get many answers.

I went to counseling as a young child for many years, as well as right before I got married. However, I haven't yet spoken to a professional regarding the abuse suspicions. I think I'm scared to admit to myself that something so terrible could actually have happened.

I am happily married, and just recently bought a house. I work as a photographer and I have many hobbies, such as DIYs and interior design. I have a lot of close friends and I have a very close, strong relationship with my husband. I think and hope that I have learned from my mother's damaging behaviors. She never cooked, cleaned or did normal chores while I was growing up and I am proud to say that I do and enjoy doing all of those things.

I haven't read that article but I will do so now! Thanks again

[clljhns]

Hi km72791,

I am happily married, and just recently bought a house. I work as a photographer and I have many hobbies, such as DIYs and interior design. I have a lot of close friends and I have a very close, strong relationship with my husband. I think and hope that I have learned from my mother's damaging behaviors. She never cooked, cleaned or did normal chores while I was growing up and I am proud to say that I do and enjoy doing all of those things.

How wonderful that you have such a happy and rewarding life! I also love DIY projects! Nothing like rehabbing a home or piece of furniture!

What did you like about the articles? What really stood out to you?