How to plan for leaving.

[Cipher13]

I think I know things have going to far. I finished this business trip even more exhausted than I have ever been. How far is too far to finally say I have had enough and I know that if I want out of this relationship then I will have to be the one that files no matter how may times she says "I'm  done." "This is over." "I want a divorce."  You name it none of it was ever followed through. Even when I agreed 100%.  She admits here expectations of me now are not normal.

Example #1: We were changing over into new cell phones at the cell phone store. She looks to the wall off accessories. See this wrist watch looking device. It is for little kids that has GPS programed in it and a single button that directly dials 1 to 2 phones. She wanted me to get one so that she can track me and that I wouldn't be calling all kinds of people and talking to them. Then the one that topped them all. She wanted me to get a male chastity belt.  Add the threat to email my boss that there was an emergency and I need to rush home... .(A threat only) and what am I left to even build a relationship off of?

I need a different plan. Plan to leave.

[Waddams]

How to plan for leaving.

Well, there's physical separation and legal separation.

1.  physical - obviously it means not living with her anymore.  what are your current living circumstances?  own?  rent?  if rent, when is lease up? can you afford to rent a small place and move out while maintaining payments on the current place?

2.  legal - what are the laws in your state?  is there legal separation or is it just all divorce?  what are the marital assets?  what are the marital debts?  is your state no fault?  or are there fault laws?  do you meet the requirements for any fault/misconduct conditions?  you'll need to consult a L to figure out a lot of this.

i will say i've heard of guys that took all the marital assets they could cash out and paid off all the debt they could right before the filed for D.  that way the guys don't get stuck with all the debt while the L's and STBX walk away with all the assets.

the leaving and family law board people will have a lot more advice.

[OnceConfused]

She wanted me to get one so that she can track me and that I wouldn't be calling all kinds of people and talking to them. Then the one that topped them all. She wanted me to get a male chastity belt.


WOW, she must be kidding - a chastity belt for you. This is the first time I ever heard of this scenario. Then a GPS to track you - that is so disrespectful.

If divorcing is on your mind then at some point, you might want to be the one who pulls the triggers first. But before that, plan your exit strategy regarding the finances so that you won't have to be stuck with any of her debts. Make sure all the credit cards are separate, not joined.

[zeus123]

run away, run fast and don't look behind you. relationship with a BPD can actually kill you... .really

[propunchingbag]

run away, run fast and don't look behind you. relationship with a BPD can actually kill you... .really

How to leave: I'm working on this right now.

My list:

#1 Talk to a lawyer right away! Find one that knows about BPD and will know how to proceed.

Get the book Splitting by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger.

Set up places to stay with friends if necessary.

Separate bank accounts.

Copies of all documents that are financial or could be legal, hers and yours.

Separate your cell phone bill, once you file.

Clear out all passwords everywhere and get new ones.

Make sure your Amazon account does not have your credit cards stored so she can go wild purchasing things.

Remove all valuables to a storage unit especially family momentos, pictures, things that she might not allow you to have once you start the process.

Change beneficiaries on any life insurance and wills.

Consider talking to your doctor about anti-depressant meds to help you not hit rock bottom. Its a temporary thing not long term, and not shameful.

Exercise more than you every have. One of the things that most doctors and therapist will tell you is that it helps to clear your mind when you exercise. It gets your body tired and your brain will follow which means less stress and you will sleep at night.

Keep posting here!

There are many things you can do and I am sure if you search around this site you will find a lot more.

These relationships can kill you, but its a slow death. We are all getting closer to dying every day so start living instead.

[Grey Kitty]

  Sorry you are hitting your limit this way.

The other part of planning is guessing what she will do when you tell her you are ready to leave.

Believe me... .the first time you mention even the possibility of divorce to her is a completely different game than the 10,000 time she's threatened it--Look at it from her POV: The divorce threat is her attempt to control you... .whether it works or not. YOUR statement about it (or filing papers/having her served/whatever) is something done to her, and something she doesn't control.

Whatever she does to you at her worst... .expect it when you mention divorce.

So what do you expect?

[Cipher13]

Whatever she does to you at her worst... .expect it when you mention divorce.

So what do you expect?

I'm not exactly sure what to expect here. Becuase she has insited many times that there is not point to continue and that she even states that she realizes that the expectations she will put on me will be extreme. But I need to think worse case scenerio. She will scream, cry, throw tandtrum, block me from leaving, or any number of other things. I wan tot take to the cowards way out and be physically safe and just say its over I have what I need for now here are the papers, via text or email.

[Grey Kitty]

Also on the menu is false accusations that you are abusive / getting a restraining order against you. (You have no kids, right? Divorces without custody issues don't seem nearly as bad as custody disputes)

You will probably get better advice for strategy on this from the legal board.

[propunchingbag]

Whatever she does to you at her worst... .expect it when you mention divorce.

So what do you expect?

I'm not exactly sure what to expect here. Becuase she has insited many times that there is not point to continue and that she even states that she realizes that the expectations she will put on me will be extreme. But I need to think worse case scenerio. She will scream, cry, throw tandtrum, block me from leaving, or any number of other things. I wan tot take to the cowards way out and be physically safe and just say its over I have what I need for now here are the papers, via text or email.

I have read on this site examples of partner rage that would shock most people.

The reason I suggested that you get all your personally valuable items from the house is as follows. If she decides that she is so mad at you that she calls the police and reports domestic violence they will arrest you. In fact if she attacks you and you report it they will arrest you! That is how the system is flawed. So while you are sitting in jail totally shocked and sad she has the time to get to the bank, sell your stuff etc... .

So if you are going to go there and you want to plan for the worst case scenario I would get your valuables out of the house first.

[Wrongturn1]

Cipher: please do keep us posted on how things are going.  Have you spoken with an attorney yet?

[Cipher13]

I have not contacted any one abou this as of yet. The real issue I am having with this is my own mind set.  For example, the discussion over this weekend came up about how I need to think about what I really want to do here. Do I want ot commint to this relationship (ie probably give into all her demands and needs to validate her sense of not trusting me unless she has 100% eyes on me) or since my pattern tend to be committing 100% to her every whim for about 6 months before it become to much and I snap and make a negative comment or something else. Also I would be giving up all possible functions I would ever want to do alone like hunitng or fishing. Maybe perminatley she says. I know that should be the red flag I need. And it is in my mind... .yet I can not bring myself ot say I want to end this to her face. I can not admit to her I want a divorce.  This goes al the way back to when we were dating and she would break up with me. I was glad on the inside and I wanted that very much... .but I didn't want her to think I was giving up so I woul ddo what ever I could to convince her to take me back. Even though I didn't want to inside... .


Whats wrong with me? Why woudl I do this?

[Zon]

I have not contacted any one abou this as of yet. The real issue I am having with this is my own mind set.  For example, the discussion over this weekend came up about how I need to think about what I really want to do here. Do I want ot commint to this relationship (ie probably give into all her demands and needs to validate her sense of not trusting me unless she has 100% eyes on me) or since my pattern tend to be committing 100% to her every whim for about 6 months before it become to much and I snap and make a negative comment or something else. Also I would be giving up all possible functions I would ever want to do alone like hunitng or fishing. Maybe perminatley she says. I know that should be the red flag I need. And it is in my mind... .yet I can not bring myself ot say I want to end this to her face. I can not admit to her I want a divorce.  This goes al the way back to when we were dating and she would break up with me. I was glad on the inside and I wanted that very much... .but I didn't want her to think I was giving up so I woul ddo what ever I could to convince her to take me back. Even though I didn't want to inside... .

Whats wrong with me? Why woudl I do this?

I will first start off saying that I slightly envy you.  I would leave, very carefully, from your situation.  I have strong doubts, to say the least, about my relationship with my wife, but she is no where close to your SO.  In your boots, I would easily make up my mind.  I did date a girl long ago that made me somewhat uneasy, so I broke up with her.  I needed a subtle BPD/NPD to catch me. 

I will not say anything is wrong with you.  I will explore the second question.  There are motivators causing you to stay.  Guess what?  I probably share some of them.  My wife has threatened to leave several times in different ways (i.e., with or without the children), yet I have not accepted readily because of a few ideas in my head.

• I do not want to hurt her.



• I do not want the children to go through a divorce.  I have been there myself.



• I do not want to appear like I abandonded her.



• I do not want her to get hurt/lost after a divorce.



• I can still save her/marriage/relationship.  This one is nearly gone if not gone already.  Ask yourself (like I do myself) what will you be saving.

There are probably more for me and more for you.  The point is that you have some reasons (logical or not) keeping you there.  Have you explored those?

[Wrongturn1]

Also I would be giving up all possible functions I would ever want to do alone like hunitng or fishing. Maybe perminatley she says. I know that should be the red flag I need.

Sounds like she wants you to cease to exist as an individual.  Definitely a major red flag.

[Grey Kitty]

A while back, I said that the way I saved my marriage was being willing to lose it.

What I mean by that is that I decided that I wasn't going to give up my life anymore, and I wasn't going to let her control every aspect of my life anymore.

I realized that I couldn't live that way. Pretty much to the equivalent to this here... .

Do I want ot commint to this relationship (ie probably give into all her demands and needs to validate her sense of not trusting me unless she has 100% eyes on me) or since my pattern tend to be committing 100% to her every whim for about 6 months before it become to much and I snap and make a negative comment or something else. Also I would be giving up all possible functions I would ever want to do alone like hunitng or fishing.

I figured out that I wasn't going to do that--that I wouldn't be living a life worth living--that I would look in the mirror some morning and see a worthless shell of a man... .and that saving my marriage wasn't worth giving myself up.

What I found (at the time) was that my life and my marriage improved. (Not without a struggle, though!)

I'm going to recommend you try something similar. What do you have to lose?