consequence of telling them

[cosmonaut]

You have lots of good insights here about your ex and your relationship, dobie!   

I can see some evidence of push/pull in the behaviors you have posted here.  It does sound like there were times she wanted to be very close to you (clingy even), and times when she wanted to be very distant from you.  It doesn't have to be extreme necessarily.  Can you see this pattern if you look through what you wrote again?

I'm just tired of it all Cosmo I want her back or I want to fully detach and move on and be happy this limbo I'm in sucks bro

I understand.  I really have felt most of what you do.  I still do in some ways.  There is only one of the two goals you listed above that you yourself have control over, and that's to try and move on.  I know you are still in love with your ex, and you want her back.  That's ok.  I am the same.  But we can still let go, and let go with love.  We can wish them every happiness and hope that they are able to finally come to grips with their disorder.  But this is something they have to do on their own.  If she comes back, then you can decide what you want to do.  But for now, the only choice you can make is to move on or not move on.  That's the only way you can leave the limbo you are currently in.

The best thing that you can do for yourself right now is to focus on yourself.  Work out, eat right, get enough sleep, go to therapy, pray, read about abandonment and abandonment recovery, socialize more with friends and family, and spend time reflecting on yourself.  These are all things that you can control and these are what will help us to break out of the limbo we are in.

[dobie]

It was her confessions that hurt the most Cosmo


I don't love you have not for a year or so

We have become friends and I don't need you I have friends now

As the wedding and house purchase drew nearer I knew I had to end it

I was just hoping things would get better

You deserve a sex life but when someone's not happy they don't want sex

I was not excited when we got the offer for the house

I haven't cared about your job for over a year

I didnt want to stay out of security or comfort

And all the resentment she spewed over money

I could have done us for a year or two more but knew it would be worse after we were married or bought the house

If I saw you I would have come back for 1-2 years

I've purposefully distanced myself from your family for a year

We bicker all the time

When's the last time we passionately kissed (true I didn't want to sick of her treatment of me )

I'm sick of carrying you (financially)

You never want to do anything (exegeration) and moan (exegeration) grey lies



The above is all true cosmo she was conflicted to stay or go but the above is true 100% does that sound like BPD or rather just a selfish user and coward with anxiety and trust issues ?

She has admitted to being in a three year r/s for security and stability knowing she was never going to marry her ex and that she stopped finding him attractive after three weeks!

[cosmonaut]

Those are really hurtful things to hear.  I'm sorry, dobie.  I can certainly understand why those were so painful for you, and why you keep thinking of them.   :'(

As I've said though, ultimately we can't know for certain if your ex has BPD.  I am certainly not qualified to diagnose the disorder either.  I would say that from what you've said there are certainly some BPD traits.  I know this is a very important question to you, but I just can't give you an honest answer.  And, because I'm being completely honest with you, I am not sure that you will ever be able to definitively answer it either.  You may have to just accept that there is some degree of unknown here.  Trust your gut.  You must suspect that she is BPD since you have been here for several months.  I would go with that.  Ultimately, what really matters is healing.

The thing I really, really want you to understand, though, is that this is not your fault.  Truly.  This is not your fault.  You did not cause this disorder, and you are not responsible for the relationship ending.  No matter what mistakes you made.  Healthy relationships are able to work though problems.  If a partner makes a mistake, they can work it out with their partner and make amends for it.  That happens all the time.  But a pwBPD can't do that.  They aren't able.  That's not their fault, but it is reality.  What really causes a breakdown of a BPD relationship are the out of control emotions and inability to soothe those emotions.  It is the yoyoing between fears of abandonment and fears of engulfment.  Eventually this leads to the non leaving the relationship because they can no longer tolerate it, or the pwBPD ends the relationships due to the overwhelming pain and shame that they are feeling.  Can you see that this is not your fault?  No matter what your ex claimed were her reasons, and she may sincerely believe them, the disorder is what broke down the relationship.  You tried as best as you could against that, but unfortunately love can't cure the disorder.  And that's not your fault.

[dobie]

Thanks Cosmo yes her actions and behaviours are not healthy or normal for a 30 year old woman that is true I've seen more maturity and compassion from gfs when I was 18!

She was always worried I'd screw her over with the house , leave her to pay the mortgage , worried I'd take her money or only loved her mainly for her money I guess that could be her abandonment fear as well as mild form of distrust I would cheat on her


Engulfment was her wanting to go the last year or so but not having a strong enough sense of self to do it hence the I would have come back if I saw you , your personality is very strong and convincing . I don't know who I am I want to find myself all my ideas are your ideas


Things I could have done that I think I'm guilty of Cosmo

Slept in the same bed (but I used to like to read and she would chuck me out or rage before bed )

Not pandered to her not tried to fix her problems

Understand her fears about money and security better and be more pro active with my career

Kissed her passionately its true I can't remember the last time I did or wanted to

Had more fun , come up with ideas and places to go I did leave this to her but I was so burnt out

Not let her incite me to lose my temper constantly (T thinks this is one of the main dynamics of the r/s allowing me to keep a part of me alive )

Not spewed hatred for her father he deserved it the scum bag but its still her dad

I hold my hand up to all those things 

[GrowThroughIt]

Dobie,

I have that feeling as well. I find myself ruminating to the point where I wish I would just STOP!

Only the other day I was going to start a topic asking fellow bpdfamily members for advice.

I thought I hit a stage of accepting all she had done and said to me. A few days ago, heck even 5 mind ago, I wanted to send her an email. Letting her know that I know about EVERYTHING, but that more importantly I loved her and cared for her at one point so I hope that she finds what she is looking for in life etc etc. It's like my mind is trying to find ways to tell her about herself. As if, playing tricks on me and trying to get me to contact her using so many different reasons.

Perhaps I just have to accept that it's not my mind which yearns for it but maybe my heart.

Perhaps it's my ego and sense of self worth.

Ultimately, these girls (I would say women but that implies some kind of maturity!) placed us on a pedestal. Then when we got to a stage where we saw our on self worth through their eyes, they tore us down. And not just tore us down, but they revelled in tearing us down.

I know what you mean about, is it the illness? Is it just that they are cruel? For example, my ex was extremely self aware. She was aware that her emotions had shut off, and she boasted about it. She was proud of the way she felt nothing. When I told her that it's not normal and offered to help? "I'm happy with the way I am. It's for the best." In reality, her emotions hadn't just shut off for everyone and everything though as she claimed, because if they did, she wouldn't have been texting her abusive uNPDexbf telling him that she wanted to be with him. So I know what you mean. How much of that is illness and how much of all of that is called being a b****? I know all my friends and family that know of her would go for the later! Me? Well, I go half and half. Here's why... .

I think to a certain extent, our exes may have known about their cold and cruel nature (I know mine certainly was!) but they excepted that that is who they are, and were in a way, proud of it. They may feel that this "ability" to shut off/be so cold is to their benefit and in some respects it is. I mean, we're on this board whilst they probably live their life thinking about what to do next in life, as if we never existed. Whilst we try to do what is next with a lead weight within us.

The sad reality is though Dobie, and maybe you have seen it at times, they live a truly miserable existence. They don't understand why they are the way they are. They don't understand that they feel this way because of possible unresolved childhood traumas. They don't understand that the very thing that makes them cold and able to walk away so easily is in actuality the reason for the hole they feel within themselves. They don't understand that even if they think having a child will fill that hole, they will pass it onto their child and so the cycle continues.

I remember my ex said to me "I hope I always feel like this [cold and disassociative]." My reply "I hope I never do, it's a terrible sad state to live in." And I have lived it! It truly is awful.

Hit me up with a PM any time you want Bro. Much love and stay strong!

[cosmonaut]

She was always worried I'd screw her over with the house , leave her to pay the mortgage , worried I'd take her money or only loved her mainly for her money I guess that could be her abandonment fear as well as mild form of distrust I would cheat on her

Mistrust is a major issue for pwBPD.

Things I could have done that I think I'm guilty of Cosmo

Slept in the same bed (but I used to like to read and she would chuck me out or rage before bed )

Not pandered to her not tried to fix her problems

Understand her fears about money and security better and be more pro active with my career

Kissed her passionately its true I can't remember the last time I did or wanted to

Had more fun , come up with ideas and places to go I did leave this to her but I was so burnt out

Not let her incite me to lose my temper constantly (T thinks this is one of the main dynamics of the r/s allowing me to keep a part of me alive )

Not spewed hatred for her father he deserved it the scum bag but its still her dad

I hold my hand up to all those things 

You did the best you could in the relationship, dobie.  It was obviously a very tumultuous and confusing time for you, and you coped the best you could.

These are all things that you can work on for the future, though.  And that's the goal now:  working on ourselves.  

[dobie]

Dobie,

I have that feeling as well. I find myself ruminating to the point where I wish I would just STOP!

Only the other day I was going to start a topic asking fellow bpdfamily members for advice.

I thought I hit a stage of accepting all she had done and said to me. A few days ago, heck even 5 mind ago, I wanted to send her an email. Letting her know that I know about EVERYTHING, but that more importantly I loved her and cared for her at one point so I hope that she finds what she is looking for in life etc etc. It's like my mind is trying to find ways to tell her about herself. As if, playing tricks on me and trying to get me to contact her using so many different reasons.

Perhaps I just have to accept that it's not my mind which yearns for it but maybe my heart.

Perhaps it's my ego and sense of self worth.

Ultimately, these girls (I would say women but that implies some kind of maturity!) placed us on a pedestal. Then when we got to a stage where we saw our on self worth through their eyes, they tore us down. And not just tore us down, but they revelled in tearing us down.

I know what you mean about, is it the illness? Is it just that they are cruel? For example, my ex was extremely self aware. She was aware that her emotions had shut off, and she boasted about it. She was proud of the way she felt nothing. When I told her that it's not normal and offered to help? "I'm happy with the way I am. It's for the best." In reality, her emotions hadn't just shut off for everyone and everything though as she claimed, because if they did, she wouldn't have been texting her abusive uNPDexbf telling him that she wanted to be with him. So I know what you mean. How much of that is illness and how much of all of that is called being a b****? I know all my friends and family that know of her would go for the later! Me? Well, I go half and half. Here's why... .

I think to a certain extent, our exes may have known about their cold and cruel nature (I know mine certainly was!) but they excepted that that is who they are, and were in a way, proud of it. They may feel that this "ability" to shut off/be so cold is to their benefit and in some respects it is. I mean, we're on this board whilst they probably live their life thinking about what to do next in life, as if we never existed. Whilst we try to do what is next with a lead weight within us.

The sad reality is though Dobie, and maybe you have seen it at times, they live a truly miserable existence. They don't understand why they are the way they are. They don't understand that they feel this way because of possible unresolved childhood traumas. They don't understand that the very thing that makes them cold and able to walk away so easily is in actuality the reason for the hole they feel within themselves. They don't understand that even if they think having a child will fill that hole, they will pass it onto their child and so the cycle continues.

I remember my ex said to me "I hope I always feel like this [cold and disassociative]." My reply "I hope I never do, it's a terrible sad state to live in." And I have lived it! It truly is awful.

Hit me up with a PM any time you want Bro. Much love and stay strong!

Thanks bro yes this is true she can never be truly happy she fears it the best she can achieve is moments of happiness most of the time she is anxious / dysrythmic

And or just numb as she screamed at me once "you have given me moments of intense happiness" she has very little skills for introspection.  once when I suggested she may be depressed she got defensive so for her it will ALAWYS be someone or some things fault she feels like she does .

She thinks she can find happiness in distractions but true happiness I.e contentment can't be found in others , experiences or things as we all know its an inside job .

Blame and anger are her shields from facing up to her childhood traumas  

Yes I truly know I want her to tell me she is sorry   she cares we had wonderful times , she loved me very much she still values me and wants to stay in touch but I know to do that she would need to be healthy and sane she is neither

Funny that was her next idea to have a child to make her fill content she has very little in the way of maternal skills so I can only imagine how screwed up that kid will be

Using people who love you is not a recipe for a happy life I can only imagine the type of man she ends up with probably a NARC a doormat will bore her .

[downwhim]

This is all so sad and just how I feel. They pull away and distance themselves and there is nothing we can do. It can drive you crazy with the push/pull. I am so very lonely and confused. I read and it does not help.

When they refuse to have sex with you it is painful. Mine said, I just not into it anymore. Hugged the edge of the bed as we got closer to commitment. Many of what your ex said Dobie mine said too. :'(

We have to let them go. They don't really love us and that is what hurts.

[dobie]

This is all so sad and just how I feel. They pull away and distance themselves and there is nothing we can do. It can drive you crazy with the push/pull. I am so very lonely and confused. I read and it does not help.

When they refuse to have sex with you it is painful. Mine said, I just not into it anymore. Hugged the edge of the bed as we got closer to commitment. Many of what your ex said Dobie mine said too. :'(

We have to let them go. They don't really love us and that is what hurts.

Mine did try she changed her pill but she just lost her sex drive over the years still felt horny enough to masterbate though

I feel like a fool all the love and energy all the times I was there I gave everything to the r/s and her and she gets to walk away laughing while feeling like she is the mature one and a "victim"

I'm bitter and angry I was just deleting some of her comments on my FB and poems she sent me over the last year "I'm  a lucky girl etc xxx " 

My compassion and excuses for her are waning thin ... . I need to fix me and never ever remember anything about her

She is a ruthless selfish evil person

I'm tired of making excuses for her I've been doing it for years she is an ugly soul

I hope she has a miserable life until she learns to treat people better  

[dobie]

Poem she sent me in June when supposedly she loved but was not in love with me .

RISKS

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool,

To weep is to risk being called sentimental.

To reach out to another is to risk involvement.

To expose feelings is to risk showing your true self.

To place your ideas and your dreams before the crowd is to risk being called naive.

To love is to risk not being loved in return,

To live is to risk dying,

To hope is to risk despair,

To try is to risk failure

But risks must be taken, because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing.

He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love.

Chained by his certitude, he is a slave; he has forfeited his freedom.

Only the person who risks is truly free.