Immigration Issues and Separation/Divorce

[Bloomer]

I just moved out of our apartment on Friday. We are just separated right now. My dBPDH is waiting for an interview for his 10 year green card still. I don't know what ramifications my moving out/changing my mailing address will have on his ability to get his green card. I'm happy to go to his interview and do what I can to help him stay here while things are technically undecided in our marriage. However, I am unsure what to say in that interview and how that would affect his application. Anyone have any information on this?

My other question is if our divorce is not finalized and H decides to return to his country of origin, will it be possible for me to get a divorce still? I've heard it's very hard once someone leaves the US to get a divorce finalized.

Thanks,

Bloomer

[ForeverDad]

If the marriage is failing, then why are you concerned about his green card status?  I am not trying to be cynical, but trying to get you to think and ponder the various aspects and implications.  If the marriage is over or ending, then his life is his life.  He's an adult, he can stand up for himself.  Also, based on past experiences where many of our members have been used and abused over many years, we do not want to be Behavior Enablers to someone who may have been causing us distress and other problems.  So I guess what I'm really asking is, Would helping him stay in the country be sabotaging yourself and your own future in any way?

Another thought, if he has been abusive, using you, manipulating you or whatever, would helping him to stay in the country, even if the marriage ended and you're away from him, and allow him to become a problem for his next relationships?  If you've been a target or victim, or just distressed, do you want to be the one who helped make it possible (enabled) for him to do the same to other women in the locality?

International divorces occasionally are discussed here, I believe part of the issue is which country he goes to and another part is whether he can be located to give Notice and how expensive that might be.  Try looking for a lawyer to answer the legal issues?  You can also do an internet search on "international divorce".  The key is not to depend on guesses and assumptions but to base your strategy on facts and available legal advice.

I believe it would be much harder to start a divorce with him out of the country than for it to start and then him leave afterward.  Getting proper "Notice" to the other party is probably very important.  Once he he has been served Notice that the case is filed/started then more responsibility will shift to him to stay in touch with the court.  IMO.  Him not responding later in the case may delay the case but not stop it.

[Bloomer]

Helping him stay in the country would not affect me whatsoever. I am concerned because I care about him as a person, regardless of our relationship failing. I value helping people and ending this amicably. It will give me more peace and closure if I am able to do things to part ways positively. Furthermore, I plan on moving out of this city and won't even be here if he decides he wants to stay.

While he is still struggling, he's aware of his issues. He is in therapy and working towards recovery. Him and his next relationships are for him to sort out. I don't believe I am enabling him fail any future partners by helping him with his green card status.  His major progress may have happened too late for me to get past our history together but I trust he'll continue his own work as it's important to him. Whether he is able to maintain healthy relationship here or in his country of origin doesn't really seem relevant. I don't know why I'd be more worried about his relationships here than in a different country.

I have a lawyer I consulted with preIviously. I'll reach out to her again about this issue and post her response. I agree that it would probably be much harder to serve him papers, and probably more costly if he doesn't comply once he's out.

Thanks for your response. I understand why you'd ask a lot of those questions. I probably have a more high functioning and aware H. While abandonment is still triggering for him, he luckily has his DBT support group and therapist to help guide him a bit more. And I'm hoping that helps make this less stressful. I don't want to make this more painful than it needs to be. I recognize that he's trying to improve and has done. Unfortunately, it happened after too much early trauma and I'm just burned out. I think he could get to a point of recovery if he sticks with his program though.

[livednlearned]

Hi Bloomer,

I've been in one of those green card interviews. They can be very personal and quite intense. Think marriage counselor without the bedside manner. They asked my ex H what face cream I used, did we plan on having children, how many. They asked where we went on vacations, how did ex H get along with my parents, why did we take separate vacations, did we share a car, what make/model, how many nieces/nephews did I have, did he have. Like I said, intense. I vaguely remember feeling like they were interrogating us as though we were criminals.

I went through my initial interview in the 90s, so it may not be the same now as it was then, but my guess it would be as intense if not more so post-9/11. You don't want to mess with immigration agents, and definitely do not want to tell any white lies. So if you do go, it's important to tell your H what you are/are not willing to say. And consider any repercussions on you if the officer does not find your marriage credible.

It's possible, as strange as this is to say, that an immigration agent might find it credible that you two are not getting along right now. If you've been married for a while, and you're living elsewhere because you need to think about the future with your H, it might be better to say that. Something to ask your L anyway.

Although, family lawyers don't tend to have a lot of expertise in immigration law. You may want to pay for a consultation with someone expert in this to be sure

[Bloomer]

We've already been through the interview process for his first green card. It was actually very pleasant. It could be because we're in a smaller city. I've heard some larger cities can be less pleasant experiences. Sorry you had that experience.

Yeah, I don't plan on lying to anyone. I just sort of wanted to know this would affect that interview. Once I get more information, I'll be sure to update everyone here in case anyone else is in a similar situation.

[livednlearned]

Does he plan to naturalize?

[still_in_shock]

I know my uBPD husband is intending to revoke my conditional GC. We were supposed to file for extension in 2016, but he is divorcing me at year 1.5 of marriage. I've heard him many times commenting on this GC situation bragging how much he's eased my life here by sponsoring for it, etc. Well, I've been in this country with no immigration issues on legally solid professional grounds and work visa for 10 years before I met him. I adjusted my status to that of a permanent resident only a year after marriage.

After I spoke to his mom concerned for his wellbeing and sharing about his emotional volatility, he's enraged and threatened to have me kicked out of this country by asking judge at the divorce to revoke my GC. This immigration aspect and his sponsorship is the only way for him to control me and get back at me. He's being extremely vindictive for me talking to his mom, and just doesn't know how to hit hardest. So GC is the only way, and hence he's going as far as to divorce me to make it happen.

I feel pity for him seeing how immature and irresponsible he acts. The sad thing (which I actually hate to do but he is the one pushing me into doing it and at the end of the day he is seriously hurting himself) is that I will have to hire lawyers who will initiate the case of domestic abuse, which will seriously undermine his profile. Two lawyers I've consulted with say that what he's done to me is a crime. On top of the emotional distress, he's betrayed me as a GC sponsor leaving with no means to support myself. I still cannot wrap my mind around how bad things escalated in a matter of 1-2 months and him suddenly viewing me as his worst enemy and turning so hostile towards me. I hate the feeling I have to defend myself, which will also turn him into my enemy in this legal battle... .I do not want any of these. But he intends to take revenge through the GC.  My case is solid and winning, but it'll undermine his records as an abuser... which I never wished for him. But he is forcing me to protect myself.

[ForeverDad]

But he is forcing me to protect myself.

That's what it came down to for many of us - switching from self-sabotage (Nice Guys and Nice Gals who were too nice and too complaint) to self-protection and self-preservation.  You can't afford to be overly nice, overly helpful, overly whatever, if your own life is being sabotaged.

Be sure you have documented his poor behaviors.  We here found out to our dismay how emotionally compelling our disordered spouses could be when they spun their stories, claims and allegations, even without any facts.

In the final months of my marriage I quietly recorded my then-spouse, I felt I needed proof I wasn't the one ranting, raging, threatening and generally misbehaving.  Sure enough, when we separated (she was arrested for threatening my life - I recorded it and my 911 call) she made counter-allegations of child abuse trying to make me appear far worse than her.  It was rough because we had a child together and the entire case revolved around custody and parenting.  I reasoned that recording was a form of documentation that proved who really was the aggressive person.  It was my 'insurance'.