Introduction from Kelly

[KellyStarr]

Hi all,

I'm new here obviously.

I have an undiagnosed mother with BPD traits. She's completely unaware of the trauma she has caused in my life. She blames me for the state of our relationship. She thinks I am a bad daughter. She was physically abusive when I was young. She told me she didn't love me -- in fact she sometimes told me she hated me. As an adult when I have tried to talk to her about the abuse, she blames me. She says I was a difficult child. She says I was a bad kid. What the heck? Who blames the kid?

I see her once a week because I am afraid to say no. She expects that we have dinner on Wednesday nights. I dread these nights -- but when I have come up with excuses to not meet her, I have paid for it. Even when I have a real excuse, she acts so hurt and plays the victim -- it's awful.

I feel alone with this. It's so hard to be around people like my friends and my boyfriend, who have close family relationships. My dad divorced my mom and remarried -- he lives in Florida now. We're not close, either. So I don't really feel like I have a family.

Anyway, thanks for listening. I am glad to find a place of support.

[Sunfl0wer]

 

Hi Kelly,

My mom was the same way.  It sucks!  I'm sorry you are going through this.

There is so much to learn and read around here.

I have cut almost all ties with my family because even when they aren't being outright abusive, their ideas about people and themselves perpetuate an unhealthy way of being.

I try to think of myself fortunate in a sense.  Fortunate that I am free to pick my own "family" in the connections that I make with others.  My "picked" family may be a coworker that is motherly or a friend that is like a sister.  I don't give my friends any family labels, but I do feel grateful inside for the mutual respect and moments that I realize a family moment has happened. Unfortunately there is something of history missed in these people.  However, fortunately i do not have the history of trauma with my "picked" family. 

(I'm sleepy... .I hope that came out right... .looks odd... .hope you get the point)

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Kelly and welcome to the forum.

I am sorry you have had such painful experiences with your mother. Like Sunflower there I can also relate. It's awful to have her make you feel responsible for how she treated you. No child is so difficult that they need to be abused. i am sorry that happened to you.

I think you have done better than me in seeing you were not responsible - I still struggle with self blame.

It must be painful too not having your Dad support you. And yes when others have close family r/ships it can leave you feeling lonely and left out.

Anyhow I am very glad you found your way here. it's a great place for learning tools to deal with difficult mothers (beLIEVE me I get this!)

Have you had a chance to read any of the material available in our on site library?

if you suffered from abuse you may find it very helpful to have a look over the Survivor's Guide.

It is located to the RHS of this board ------>

I would also recommend having a look over the article on Fear Obligation and Guilt which could benefit you immensely in managing your Wednesday night dinners

The link to that one is here:

Article 16: Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

It's a long road to recovery but you have made a start by speaking up and letting your voice be heard.

Do let us know what you think and how the next dinner goes!

Ziggiddy

[Forever to Roam]

 

What the heck? Who blames the kid?

Yeah, what the heck is right. I'm glad you realize you were in no way to blame.

I see her once a week because I am afraid to say no. She expects that we have dinner on Wednesday nights. I dread these nights -- but when I have come up with excuses to not meet her, I have paid for it. Even when I have a real excuse, she acts so hurt and plays the victim -- it's awful.

I wonder, if you dread these nights, is it really worth it to keep contact with her? I understand the desire to have some kind of family. I agree with Sunflower, you can find a family of your own choice. Though there are others who think the pain is worth having somebody to call mother. Is there another reason you're reluctant to cut ties with her?

[funfunctional]

Hi Kelly,

I am sorry for you pain and disapointment in who your mom is and what she has done to you.   

Sounds to me like she blames her own lack of parenting abilities on you not being easy enough to parent and that is her issue.   My guess is you were probably easier than most kids  cause you just wanted peace in your life and love.

I agree with "who blames the kid"!    And the physical abuse is clearly WRONG.

I think you keep reliving the abuse as your mother continues on with the same nonsense behavior.   How can you stop those buttons from getting pushed over and over?   I think that dinner every wednesday needs to stop.  Sounds like mom is "in charge" "in control" of this.    Dinner time may even bring back memories of a painful time.

Have you thought about meeting for coffee somewhere?