Feel like I messed up

[downnout98]

I know that I am not supposed to break contact but it has been hard since I work with my exBPDfg. If you have not read my earlier posts, a quick summary of my relationship is that we were together for 3 years but recycled many, many times. I felt like I had enough this last break up and didn't trust that things would be different. At the time of the break up, my ex sought a counselor at her church. She has been going faithfully and I can't help but feel that she is different. I don't know for sure, but this is based off of what she told me.

She did find a replacement very quick and the fact that this new guy is practically living with her already should be enough for me to stay away. She told me how she missed me. We were going to get married. It sucks, because I feel that this new guy is reaping all the benefit of the hard work I put in and now the work she is doing with the counselor.

She said that when she was pleading with me to come back, that she said that she was going to stick with counseling this time. I didn't believe her and felt that if I came back, the same cycle would repeat. She is doing better, less anger, patient, etc. I don't know for sure. It makes me really sad and I need to get these thoughts out of my head.

[Mutt]

She said that when she was pleading with me to come back, that she said that she was going to stick with counseling this time.

Hi downnout98,

I'm sorry your going through this.

You loved your partner to want to marry. Having a partner with mental illness is incredibly difficult.

It takes time for the heart to catch up with the head.

Actions speak louder than words, I'd watch and see if she seeks counseling and commits to it.

[rlhmm]

 i know you're hurting man but stick to your guns... .you've seen the history unfogged. review it in your head. dont buy into the lip service. you know she has a replacement to "save her"... .she will go right back to the same patterns if boundaries are not kept.  not your problem anymore. do not give into her temptations... .she is probably setting you up to knock you down... .especially if she is already bonding with the "new guy". be smart, dont feed her ego! my best to you and good luck!  

[downnout98]

i know you're hurting man but stick to your guns... .you've seen the history unfogged. review it in your head. dont buy into the lip service. you know she has a replacement to "save her"... .she will go right back to the same patterns if boundaries are not kept.  not your problem anymore. do not give into her temptations... .she is probably setting you up to knock you down... .especially if she is already bonding with the "new guy". be smart, dont feed her ego! my best to you and good luck!  

You are right about sticking to my guns. I guess in a way it is helpful to know that she is not going to change, even with a new guy. Helps me to feel that it wasn't me as being the problem. She did say that she thought she was making progress because she told the guy that if he continued thinking "that" way, then she wasn't the right girl for him. I don't know what "that" way was, but she said that he was used to being alone. He has been divorced for many years and set in his ways. I am guessing he didn't want to do something or go somewhere she wanted.

She used to pull that same crap on me about if I didn't do something or change my behavior, then she would say that I wasn't the right person for me. The beginning of the recycle?

I guess you are right that it is not my problem. I was starting to think that counseling was in fact helping her and that if I satyed, things would have been different. Wishful thinking huh?

[rlhmm]

i know you're hurting man but stick to your guns... .you've seen the history unfogged. review it in your head. dont buy into the lip service. you know she has a replacement to "save her"... .she will go right back to the same patterns if boundaries are not kept.  not your problem anymore. do not give into her temptations... .she is probably setting you up to knock you down... .especially if she is already bonding with the "new guy". be smart, dont feed her ego! my best to you and good luck!  

You are right about sticking to my guns. I guess in a way it is helpful to know that she is not going to change, even with a new guy. Helps me to feel that it wasn't me as being the problem. She did say that she thought she was making progress because she told the guy that if he continued thinking "that" way, then she wasn't the right girl for him. I don't know what "that" way was, but she said that he was used to being alone. He has been divorced for many years and set in his ways. I am guessing he didn't want to do something or go somewhere she wanted.

She used to pull that same crap on me about if I didn't do something or change my behavior, then she would say that I wasn't the right person for me. The beginning of the recycle?

I guess you are right that it is not my problem. I was starting to think that counseling was in fact helping her and that if I satyed, things would have been different. Wishful thinking huh?

  yes it is. wishful thinking indeed. she'll no more change for the "new guy" than she did you. the fault is all hers, NOT yours. dont take that on! thats her baggage. if she wants to continue "suffering in comfort" (quote from wayne dyer)  and to be a vicim... .let her. you cant make her get help. she has to want it. actions speak louder than word here... .plain and simple. shes just giving lip service to you to keep you on the hook until she reels the new one in for sure. dont be her fall back... .MOVE ON!   be healthy and happy again... .this guy is doing you a huge favor just by existing.

[Suzn]

I would wonder if this counselor is a licensed professional trained in dealing with BPD.

[downnout98]

I have met this counselor since I am the one that introduced my ex to him, and no he has no experience in dealing with Borderlines. His approach is spiritual. I don't know that he even knows that she is borderline. Do you think I should tell him what he is dealing with?

[Suzn]

I would steer clear of involving myself in anyone's counseling, spiritual or otherwise. If she is doing better seeing this counselor then wish her well in her pursuit of that counsel. My point was for you to keep in mind that BPD is diagnosed and treated by licensed professionals who have appropriate training.

[nowwhatz]

Sorry to hear this downandout98.  I think you are going to be alright. You have to have amazing strength to work with her.

You are not alone.  I had a very down afternoon and like a moron broke no contact with a text msg.  No reply thankfully she is stronger than me. I can elaborate later in another thread because I think it is a good example... .I feel like I know what happened.

You are going to make it through this!

[downnout98]

Sorry to hear this downandout98.  I think you are going to be alright. You have to have amazing strength to work with her.

You are not alone.  I had a very down afternoon and like a moron broke no contact with a text msg.  No reply thankfully she is stronger than me. I can elaborate later in another thread because I think it is a good example... .I feel like I know what happened.

You are going to make it through this!

What is really hard is that I have a couple of business trips with this woman coming up very soon. I am working on myself to be ready for those.