Inspired by Kwamina's thread, here's my story

[Pingo]

Hello all, I lurk on this board a lot but haven't posted much. I think I've been still processing the reality that my mother is indeed sick. What brought me to this website was my uBPDexh with whom I separated June of last year.  The education I have received through this website has been unbelievable and has helped me to get real with my mother's mental state as well.

I grew up with a very controlling, distant, troubled mother.  She came from a very dysfunctional background including incest. She wrestled with depression her whole life. She told me when I was a young girl many things about her life. I was taught to not trust men. Period. Including my father. She told me she had been suicidal when we were babies. She told me way too many inappropriate things at a very early age. She had no close friends. I was her confidant. I just thought this was normal. Her favorite way to punish me was shame and the ST... .one time in highschool she didn't talk to me for about 3 months because I had quit senior band and hadn't told her.  Another time she put me over her knee, bare arse, and spanked me for not changing my underwear enough. I was 14! These types of things were typical.

As a teenager I started to rebel against her relentless control and shaming tactics. The more I pushed the more shame she tried to lay on me.  I now realise she was abusive but I had no idea at the time. I actually didn't realise this until this last year. I really had my head in the sand. I excused so much of what happened because of her terrible upbringing. I had empathy for my abuser. This was my coping mechanism.

Fast forward to adulthood and I moved 3000 miles to get away from her controlling grasp. I started a new life, had two children. Over the years we have tried to have a r/s but it has been very strained at times. Very close other times. 5 yrs ago I was having major problems with my then 16 yr old daughter... .my mother disapproved of how I was dealing with her and went behind my back and flew my d 3000 miles to live with them. This was when I went NC with my parents (my father is the classic codependent enabler btw)... .Over the past 5 yrs I have become the family scapegoat and my d is now the golden child. She can do no wrong. The other grandchildren are dismissed. No one can live up to my d.

2 1/2 yrs ago my mother sent me a terrible letter. I now understand I was painted blackest of black.  It was full of lies and fabrications. She had twisted some things that had actually happened and she made up some things entirely. She made me out to be an abuser, a terrible mother, basically a f___ up since the day I was born.  In some ways this letter was a relief. I no longer had to take responsibility for the demise of our r/s. I had tried all I could. She was truly ill.  I actually thought she might have dementia but apparently not. Now I learn about PD's and it all starts to make sense.  Any time I consider the possibility that we could have some kind of LC I re-read that letter and then there is no way on earth I want to. She is toxic as they come.

So this last year I have mourned my marriage and also my mother (not coincidence that they were so similar!). Reality has been hard to accept but I have accepted it in the hopes of freedom.  I've been seeing a great T this last year who has helped me so much.  Thanks to everyone on this forum who has helped me on my journey!

[Kwamina]

Hi Pingo

Thanks for sharing your story here

Hello all, I lurk on this board a lot but haven't posted much. I think I've been still processing the reality that my mother is indeed sick. What brought me to this website was my uBPDexh with whom I separated June of last year.  The education I have received through this website has been unbelievable and has helped me to get real with my mother's mental state as well.

... .

I now realise she was abusive but I had no idea at the time. I actually didn't realise this until this last year. I really had my head in the sand. I excused so much of what happened because of her terrible upbringing. I had empathy for my abuser. This was my coping mechanism.

Accepting that your mother was abusive isn't an easy thing to do. Especially when things were always like that, it might take some time to really see just how abusive her behavior was. Acceptance of reality as it is, is also often very hard because it means letting go of the fantasy parent you never had but might still long for. Do you feel like you've been able to let got of the 'fantasy mother'?

I grew up with a very controlling, distant, troubled mother.  She came from a very dysfunctional background including incest. She wrestled with depression her whole life. She told me when I was a young girl many things about her life. I was taught to not trust men. Period. Including my father. She told me she had been suicidal when we were babies. She told me way too many inappropriate things at a very early age. She had no close friends. I was her confidant. I just thought this was normal.

This sounds like she 'used' you as a 'tool' to help her deal with her difficult emotions. Looking back after all these years, would you say this is an accurate description of this aspect of your mother's behavior?

Her favorite way to punish me was shame and the ST... .one time in highschool she didn't talk to me for about 3 months because I had quit senior band and hadn't told her.  Another time she put me over her knee, bare arse, and spanked me for not changing my underwear enough. I was 14! These types of things were typical.

As a teenager I started to rebel against her relentless control and shaming tactics. The more I pushed the more shame she tried to lay on me.

I am very sorry that your mother did these things to you. Shaming and the silent treatment are definitely

forms of abuse that can be very hurtful and damaging to a child. Do you feel like her treating you like this when you were a child has also affected you as an adult? Have you been able to deal with and possibly counteract the shame she tried to instill in you?

5 yrs ago I was having major problems with my then 16 yr old daughter... .my mother disapproved of how I was dealing with her and went behind my back and flew my d 3000 miles to live with them. This was when I went NC with my parents (my father is the classic codependent enabler btw)... .Over the past 5 yrs I have become the family scapegoat and my d is now the golden child. She can do no wrong. The other grandchildren are dismissed. No one can live up to my d.

I'm shocked that she went behind your back and took your daughter from you. What happened after you found out about it? Where is your daughter living now? And what kind of relationship do you have with your daughter now 5 years later? Sounds like your mother is engaging in some 'splitting' behavior here.

2 1/2 yrs ago my mother sent me a terrible letter. I now understand I was painted blackest of black.  It was full of lies and fabrications. She had twisted some things that had actually happened and she made up some things entirely. She made me out to be an abuser, a terrible mother, basically a f___ up since the day I was born.  In some ways this letter was a relief. I no longer had to take responsibility for the demise of our r/s. I had tried all I could. She was truly ill.  I actually thought she might have dementia but apparently not. Now I learn about PD's and it all starts to make sense.  Any time I consider the possibility that we could have some kind of LC I re-read that letter and then there is no way on earth I want to. She is toxic as they come.

So this last year I have mourned my marriage and also my mother (not coincidence that they were so similar!). Reality has been hard to accept but I have accepted it in the hopes of freedom.  I've been seeing a great T this last year who has helped me so much.  Thanks to everyone on this forum who has helped me on my journey!

Getting a letter like this from your own mother is just horrible. Sounds like your mother was projecting all the negativity she was feeling about herself onto you. Her words are venomous but aren't a reflection of who you really are at all. Just a reflection of your mother's own inner turmoil and negativity. 

Acceptance is hard but I'm glad you have a T who's been able to help you as you deal with all of this. And also glad that you've found this forum of help on your continued journey towards healing. Take care  

[Pingo]

Thank you Kwamina for your reply (and your initial post that inspired me)!

Accepting that your mother was abusive isn't an easy thing to do. Especially when things were always like that, it might take some time to really see just how abusive her behavior was. Acceptance of reality as it is, is also often very hard because it means letting go of the fantasy parent you never had but might still long for. Do you feel like you've been able to let got of the 'fantasy mother'?

I've accepted that she will never be that 'fantasy mother'... .a big breakthrough for me. But I still have the longing for the love, the validation. I'm trying to learn to give it to myself so I won't be so vulnerable to another unhealthy r/s.

This sounds like she 'used' you as a 'tool' to help her deal with her difficult emotions. Looking back after all these years, would you say this is an accurate description of this aspect of your mother's behavior?

Yes, most definitely she used me. I had never heard of the term 'covert incest' before coming to these boards but I think this fits my experience in some ways.

I am very sorry that your mother did these things to you. Shaming and the silent treatment are definitely forms of abuse that can be very hurtful and damaging to a child. Do you feel like her treating you like this when you were a child has also affected you as an adult? Have you been able to deal with and possibly counteract the shame she tried to instill in you?

It has absolutely affected every facet of my life. From my dysfunctional coping mechanisms, getting into r/ss where I'm abused, allowing men to use me, my lack of direction in life, depression, running from my feelings for years, trying to numb the pain... .My BU with my uBPDexh was the catalyst to my eyes opening about all of this. Pain was uncovered that I didn't even realise was there.

 I'm shocked that she went behind your back and took your daughter from you. What happened after you found out about it? Where is your daughter living now? And what kind of relationship do you have with your daughter now 5 years later? Sounds like your mother is engaging in some 'splitting' behavior here.

Yep, this has been the most painful single event of my life, dealing with this one. So my d stayed with them for a couple of months and wanted to come home. We tried it for a while but her life was out of control. She had no regard for any kind of rules or boundaries. She spent the next year or so in and out of my home. Then she decided to go back to Grandma & Grandpa's and she lived there for almost a year. She's back and once again a life out of control. She lived with me for the last 7 mths and just recently left again. Our r/s is strained obviously. In many ways I've let her abuse me as well in giving her so many chances to figure out her life. I've decided she is not coming back (to live) with me again. I hope she figures things out. She's 21 now.

Getting a letter like this from your own mother is just horrible. Sounds like your mother was projecting all the negativity she was feeling about herself onto you. Her words are venomous but aren't a reflection of who you really are at all. Just a reflection of your mother's own inner turmoil and negativity.

It was the wake-up call I needed to give myself permission for NC without guilt or obligation. I call the letter, as painful as it was, a gift. And yes, it was total projection on her part. Thank goodness I've learned all these terms here on this forum! I've come to accept that I am alone in this world. I have a family and yet don't. This is reality. Painful but now I have a chance to learn to be my own family, my own best friend, advocate. No more rose coloured glasses!

Thanks again Kwamina for your questions, validation and care!