Need Help Getting Over Her and Maintaining NC

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

 

Hey Y'all,

Thank you for all your amazing posts. So helpful to read your stories and all the similarities. Feeling desperately in the need for support and answers and community right now.

I'm clear about my codependence after 15 years of being in relationships with PD women. 10 years with my ex wife who was total NPD (two kids) and then, shortly after being kicked out of the house, I met the BPD woman (much more like little girl) I have been with for five.

I guess not so unbelievably, I was fooled the second time. But because I was used to the NPD with no empathy or any attempt to portray herself as having empathy, the BPD seemed truly empathic! A social worker with a focus on children and play therapy, she has been amazing with my two girls, who love her so much, making this all much harder.

Anyway, I figured out she was BPD pretty quickly, from the gaslighting/blame shifting/emotional meltdowns, but I thought, unlike with NPD, that I could help her and she would go to therapy and get better. She did try several times, but never really followed through. Then she cheated on me almost a year ago. I forgave her, we rebuilt. Seemed like we were getting somewhere, then her job got bad, she was under stress, and went back to her drug. Cheated again. I kicked her out of the house. The last three months I was stupid enough to try to rebuild again and kept finding out more and saw that she has been having a full blown emotional and sexual affair - a total double life. The lies and deceit were unbelievable. One night she would listen to me cry and talk about my inner child awakening to his abandonment and feeling retraumatized by what she had done, and she would seem absolutely remorseful, but the next night, I found out later, she was back honeymooning with him.

What the heck?

How can these people do this? How can they behave this way?

I already know all the answers. The splitting. The dissociation. I understand the science, the psychology, the motivations. I've been studying these PDs for eight years!

But I still don't get it. You know?

The cruelty is so foreign to me I just can accept that she could do it.

I got her to get into therapy this time again, and within a week, she managed to pick a fight and then I kicked her out for good and she gets to claim I am the abuser now. Not that I abused her, but it doesn't matter to her obviously. The fact that I represent truth and am trying to get her to face herself and her issues with her parents, is enough to consider me an abuser.

I really thought she was going to get help. I thought this was going to work. That my illness.

Ugh.

Really, it's no different than smoking. Or heroin. You know it's no good for you and will kill you, but when you quit, the urge is to go back. And after all, there are plenty of things I actually do love about her. And I am completely emotionally attached for five years, and only a week ago believed we could work it out and spend the rest of our lives together. So it only makes sense that I would miss her and be hurt and crushed and traumatized.

I can't stand it!

How could she be doing this? I forgot to mention that the new guy is a major downgrade. Great article about the downgrade bf here: www.shrink4men.com/2013/02/06/the-next-guy-did-your-ex-girlfriend-or-ex-wife-downgrade/

Dr. Tara is amazing in general.

I'm 40, and she is 30... .Her affair partner is 55 and living with his mother!

I can't imagine the pain I would be enduring if he were a young attractive successful guy she could actually have a future with.

But it also makes the whole thing that much more painful this way too, because why would she give up the intensely beautiful love we had, and the children who loved her and who she "loved"? For what? Just because she couldn't control her impulses? And it got out of control? Or because it was too much, all this real attachment and responsibility? Now she can just have meaningless sex with a guy who'll probably never question her or ask her to face her issues... .He will just be so psyched that this young girl is having sex with him! He'll be her loyal servant.

I'll never get answers.

For the three months this went on she could only say, "I don't know what I'm doing."

I don't know what I'm doing.

I just want to let go. I want to get hypnosis to get her out of my mind. I want to have no empathy for her like she has none for me.

How could she not even want to write an email saying she's sorry?

I know! I know the answers. But knowing doesn't help me feel less pain about it. Even if it's pain for having been stupid enough to fall for her bull___, and to allow her to abuse me. And to keep forgiving her and thinking my unconditional love could help her. That's my narcissism.

I just can't get over the fact that right now she is probably having sex with a 55 year old guy instead of investing herself in me and the girls and the life we were creating.

And I do feel bad for her because I know she's going to wake up and at the very least miss my little girls who she had such a connection with. I know she will come out of this delusion and realize she ___ed it all up. But it's too late.

I wish someone could just save me from this agony.

And I realize I must somehow save myself.

But any help would be greatly appreciated!

[Withdrawal]

 

Hey Y'all,

Thank you for all your amazing posts. So helpful to read your stories and all the similarities. Feeling desperately in the need for support and answers and community right now.

I'm clear about my codependence after 15 years of being in relationships with PD women. 10 years with my ex wife who was total NPD (two kids) and then, shortly after being kicked out of the house, I met the BPD woman (much more like little girl) I have been with for five.

I guess not so unbelievably, I was fooled the second time. But because I was used to the NPD with no empathy or any attempt to portray herself as having empathy, the BPD seemed truly empathic! A social worker with a focus on children and play therapy, she has been amazing with my two girls, who love her so much, making this all much harder.

Anyway, I figured out she was BPD pretty quickly, from the gaslighting/blame shifting/emotional meltdowns, but I thought, unlike with NPD, that I could help her and she would go to therapy and get better. She did try several times, but never really followed through. Then she cheated on me almost a year ago. I forgave her, we rebuilt. Seemed like we were getting somewhere, then her job got bad, she was under stress, and went back to her drug. Cheated again. I kicked her out of the house. The last three months I was stupid enough to try to rebuild again and kept finding out more and saw that she has been having a full blown emotional and sexual affair - a total double life. The lies and deceit were unbelievable. One night she would listen to me cry and talk about my inner child awakening to his abandonment and feeling retraumatized by what she had done, and she would seem absolutely remorseful, but the next night, I found out later, she was back honeymooning with him.

What the heck?

How can these people do this? How can they behave this way?

I already know all the answers. The splitting. The dissociation. I understand the science, the psychology, the motivations. I've been studying these PDs for eight years!

But I still don't get it. You know?

The cruelty is so foreign to me I just can accept that she could do it.

I got her to get into therapy this time again, and within a week, she managed to pick a fight and then I kicked her out for good and she gets to claim I am the abuser now. Not that I abused her, but it doesn't matter to her obviously. The fact that I represent truth and am trying to get her to face herself and her issues with her parents, is enough to consider me an abuser.

I really thought she was going to get help. I thought this was going to work. That my illness.

Ugh.

Really, it's no different than smoking. Or heroin. You know it's no good for you and will kill you, but when you quit, the urge is to go back. And after all, there are plenty of things I actually do love about her. And I am completely emotionally attached for five years, and only a week ago believed we could work it out and spend the rest of our lives together. So it only makes sense that I would miss her and be hurt and crushed and traumatized.

I can't stand it!

How could she be doing this? I forgot to mention that the new guy is a major downgrade. Great article about the downgrade bf here: www.shrink4men.com/2013/02/06/the-next-guy-did-your-ex-girlfriend-or-ex-wife-downgrade/

Dr. Tara is amazing in general.

I'm 40, and she is 30... .Her affair partner is 55 and living with his mother!

I can't imagine the pain I would be enduring if he were a young attractive successful guy she could actually have a future with.

But it also makes the whole thing that much more painful this way too, because why would she give up the intensely beautiful love we had, and the children who loved her and who she "loved"? For what? Just because she couldn't control her impulses? And it got out of control? Or because it was too much, all this real attachment and responsibility? Now she can just have meaningless sex with a guy who'll probably never question her or ask her to face her issues... .He will just be so psyched that this young girl is having sex with him! He'll be her loyal servant.

I'll never get answers.

For the three months this went on she could only say, "I don't know what I'm doing."

I don't know what I'm doing.

I just want to let go. I want to get hypnosis to get her out of my mind. I want to have no empathy for her like she has none for me.

How could she not even want to write an email saying she's sorry?

I know! I know the answers. But knowing doesn't help me feel less pain about it. Even if it's pain for having been stupid enough to fall for her bull___, and to allow her to abuse me. And to keep forgiving her and thinking my unconditional love could help her. That's my narcissism.

I just can't get over the fact that right now she is probably having sex with a 55 year old guy instead of investing herself in me and the girls and the life we were creating.

And I do feel bad for her because I know she's going to wake up and at the very least miss my little girls who she had such a connection with. I know she will come out of this delusion and realize she ___ed it all up. But it's too late.

I wish someone could just save me from this agony.

And I realize I must somehow save myself.

But any help would be greatly appreciated!

[jhkbuzz]

Someone posted here a while ago in response to an agonized post:

Dude, she's mentally ill. You get that, right?

This is the hardest thing I've had to accept:  it's not personal, it's the disorder.

All that emotional dysregulation, push/pull (and very often, the deception and infidelity that arises from it), the "little girl" (which hooks us, by the way) -- ALL of it is part of the disorder. It's not personal.

I'm so sorry for your pain - I have cried more tears that I thought humanly possible.

Know that you did the right thing - disordered or not, she is emotionally toxic to you and it is in your best interest to go n/c and focus on yourself and your girls.

Brutally painful, but the path to eventual healing.

Take care of yourself.

[hope2727]

I am sorry you are enduring this. It is such a devastating feeling. Know that some people help us be our best selves and some people bring out the worst in us. You are worthy and deserving of a reciprocal relationship that brings out the best in you both.

It is a serious illness. It leaves a trail of devastation. Get off the trail.

NC is for you to heal. Not for her. So stay strong and post here. We will have your back.

Take care.

[Withdrawal]

Thanks for the replies.

I know it's mental illness.

I know so much.

But it doesn't stop the anguish. Because this is different than all the other abusive behavior. This is a final f*** you. Every other time, she could come back, apologize, and I felt we were getting somewhere. Now, it's over. And I'm just shell shocked. Can't focus on anything else. It's like she died. And since everyone around me thinks it's a good thing, I'm not getting the support I would for a death. I'm just told it's the best thing for me and told to move on. Like because she isn't good for me it must mean I wasn't emotionally attached.

I am mourning the loss of so much. The part of her that isn't evil. The fantasy I held for healing and for the future. My best friend. After all, there was plenty that was good. But ultimately, I just feel completely abandoned by the person I really did think was going to be here for me. I still love her. And I'm just in disbelief that it's really happened. As pathetic as it may be. Of course I should be happy to be out of such a debilitating relationship with such a dysregulated mess. And yet... .That's the addiction.

And what is so sick, is that she is undoubtedly feeling relief to be out of the abusive relationship, because every time she had an emotional meltdown and I would be calmly asking her to please calm down, she was feeling that she was being abused... .If she felt out of control around me, it was, in her illness, onviously all my fault. So for a while she will be with her new partner or alone and she won't have any real intimacy so won't have the meltdowns and that will confirm for her that it was all me. I'm the abuser.

It's all just so dark, unfair, unjust, unloving, unfriendly, and sad.

How can anyone console me?

[hope2727]

Read, breathe, eat the expensive ice cream, hug a dog try to get some sun on your face. I am at 10 months and I cried last night. Its ok to feel your feelings. Its important to grieve. It is a major injury. It doesn't heal instantly.

You are not alone. You are part of a family. People who haven't lived it can't understand it. WE do. Go read my posts start to finish if you want. Or someone else's. Just don't think that you have to follow a certain path or timeline. I found a therapist and that helped a lot. Now I am going it alone and yes my friends are sick of me. But I am learning and improving and things are getting incrementally better day by day. It will for you too. Just don't gain 30 pounds like I did. The ice cream helps but it does have consequences.

[Withdrawal]

Thanks Hope,

I need to go the gym! Not eat ice cream, though I'm sure I will a little.

I can't believe that I may not ever speak to her or see her again. I feel like I can't deal with that. It's unheard of to me. I still see her as my partner. How could this be?

To think I'm not going to ever know of she is with him, what she's doing. What she's thinking.

And what is so twisted really, is that this is all about her. She's the one who has behaved badly, done these hurtful things, abused me, and so I'm the one one who had been on the edge of my seat the whole time being torturer and wondering what she was doing, and meanwhile she was only annoyed by me and my moral compass constantly asking her what she's doing. She is happy now to be free to do whatever she wants. All I was during this time was an impediment to her egoistic desires. So she leaves and gets what she wants and I get stabbed in the back.

Why should she get to be just fine? The rewards of having no real empathy. It's so sick! I just can't believe that's her. I don't want to believe it. And even when I do believe it, it doesn't make me feel better. It makes me feel like a fool. For allowing this to happen to myself.

I don't know.

I am just grieving hard. Whatever delusion allowed me to keep going and not accept that I was being abused is now allowing me to miss her terribly and not accept this is happening. It making me feel sick.

This is not fun at all.

[jhkbuzz]

Thanks for the replies.

I know it's mental illness.

I know so much.

But it doesn't stop the anguish. Because this is different than all the other abusive behavior. This is a final f*** you. Every other time, she could come back, apologize, and I felt we were getting somewhere. Now, it's over. And I'm just shell shocked. Can't focus on anything else. It's like she died. And since everyone around me thinks it's a good thing, I'm not getting the support I would for a death. I'm just told it's the best thing for me and told to move on. Like because she isn't good for me it must mean I wasn't emotionally attached.

I am mourning the loss of so much. The part of her that isn't evil. The fantasy I held for healing and for the future. My best friend. After all, there was plenty that was good. But ultimately, I just feel completely abandoned by the person I really did think was going to be here for me. I still love her. And I'm just in disbelief that it's really happened. As pathetic as it may be. Of course I should be happy to be out of such a debilitating relationship with such a dysregulated mess. And yet... .That's the addiction.

And what is so sick, is that she is undoubtedly feeling relief to be out of the abusive relationship, because every time she had an emotional meltdown and I would be calmly asking her to please calm down, she was feeling that she was being abused... .If she felt out of control around me, it was, in her illness, onviously all my fault. So for a while she will be with her new partner or alone and she won't have any real intimacy so won't have the meltdowns and that will confirm for her that it was all me. I'm the abuser.

It's all just so dark, unfair, unjust, unloving, unfriendly, and sad.

How can anyone console me?

I understand... .it is very much like a death.  Hell, it IS a death.  And an unnecessary one, which makes it all the harder.

Every single person on these boards feels your pain, has felt your pain.  I wish I could take it away from you.  I wish the answer wasn't simply "time" - you will heal with "time" - but it's true.  Over the course of months you will begin to heal as you put your life back together.

As you will hear other people on these boards say, this is an amazing opportunity, once you get past your initial inconsolable grief, to turn inward, to discover why you continue to land in r/s's with woman who are so emotionally destructive.  :)o you have a T?  They help immeasurably... .

[Withdrawal]

Thanks for the encouragement.

I do have a T and a coach. They are helping of course. But they're expensive! And not here all the time.

One thing that I have that has helped are recordings of our conversations. Since she would accuse me of yelling at her when I knew it was just projection, we would record our conversations so we could go back and listen. Now I listen, and truly, it is shocking. Shocking. Shocking. More than anything else, listening to those makes me feel disgusted and like never seeing her again. The way she yelled, called me terrible things, said awful things about me, and just played all the BPD f'in total bull___. No empathy. Makes me sick!

And what makes me sicker is that my delusional fantasies still make me want her now.

What the heck is wrong with me? I'm as crazy as she is!

It was SO much easier being kicked out of my house by my ex-wife NPD. That was a relief! NPD is so much easier to detach from. Their aloof attitude is so clear and dispicable. I was psyched!

But with the BPD I was so easily sucked in and fooled into believing her empathy.

And she does have empathy.

But none for me.

The closer we got to the source of her pain and confronting her parents the more she hated me.

What a sick situation and disorder.

And my mother is one of them. Which is why I have been with them for 15 years.

It does make one want to just escape completely. From this world.

One thing I can feel good about is being a good dad to my little girls so they don't grow up to be a BPD liar who destroys others' lives.