How Do We Switch Gears from Anger and Anxiety to Healing and Letting It Go?

[harmonystar]

I'll do my best to keep this short to start as, like most cases, there's a lot of intricate details that make up the full story.

Last year, I started counseling in an effort to help deal with anxiety issues and prevent depression during pregnancy. During the sessions, and thanks to an honest evaluation of my parents, we quickly realized that my mother has BPD. As I learn more and more about this disorder and the effects it can have on children and loved ones of the individual who has it, I realize that I learned many of the traits as a result. This awareness is a very important milestone in healing and at first made things so much better, but it doesn't do a whole lot of good in telling us how these behaviors, thought patterns, etc. should be. After all, I had a BPD for a model, most people close to her that I still associate with don't understand that she is BPD let alone what it was like being her child, I've often become close with other BPD individuals over the years (when not BPD, other disorders and psychosis was present), and generally have a very distorted view of what is healthy.

It's important to note that I have not spoken with my mother for over 10 years, nor do I have any desire to do so. While I understand this community tries to focus on repairing relationships, I personally do not want to re-invite all that I went through growing up back into my life let alone bring it into my husband's life and, most importantly, my 3 month old son does not need that woman anywhere near him. That said, I really want to fix/improve relationships in my life, primarily family members still associated with my mother. I want my son to have a clean slate and learn healthy ways of interacting with the world and the people around him. That said, it's hard to teach him how to do that when I can't seem to figure it out for myself.

My support network is pretty small these days. Geographically, we are very far from friends and family. What friends I do have are often too busy with their own lives. Only recently have I come to realize I seem to bond closest with people who are not exactly healthy for me to do so. Either it's a friendship of convenience (ex: they are "there for" me only if I go out of my way to make it easy for them, likewise, when they are in need, I am expected to go out of my way so I can be there for them), an unhealthy attachment (ex: they have befriended me solely to take advantage of me), or a matter of fulfilling unhealthy needs (ex: a friend who needs to nurture people around her to distract her from her inner conflicts was there as a friend when I needed the support, but is now unavailable as a friend now that I am not in need of nurturing). How much of this is a result of me choosing poor friends, my lack of ability in the area of quality friendships, and how much is the other people is a mystery to me and one I would like to solve so that I can learn how to create and maintain healthy friendships.

I'm not really sure where to get started, but I'm thinking I have an idea based on an experience from yesterday. My husband checked the mail and found a wedding invite from my mother (there's a whole story behind why that causes emotional issues, but we'll skip that as it would only come out as an unproductive rant). The issue here is that I haven't spoken to her in over a decade. Family and friends who still associate with her know that I do not have contact with her and do not want her to. Yet somehow she has managed to get my address. Now, we had gotten a card from her now fiance a couple months back after our son was born. I was very upset, but also extremely weak, ill, and still on pain medications (we had some serious complications following our son's birth, one of which nearly killed me), so, with effort, I let it slide as I didn't have the strength or energy to make it a priority.

But receiving that from my mother, now that I'm way better than I was before, was way too much. I decided to figure out who gave her my address so I could explain to them that I was upset and that, when we move in the near future, I don't want her knowing where we are. When I texted my uncle, who knows how I feel about my mother and that I want no contact with her, I expected him to say he'd ask around. Instead, he tells me that he gave my address to my mother's now fiance. I was furious! It felt like a major betrayal. I told him not to give out our address as I don't know that man and that we will keep our next address secret if that's what we have to do to avoid it getting passed out. Although he agreed he wouldn't do it again, he also added that it wasn't the answer and things between my mother and I should be left open.

While I understand where he is coming from and why he holds that opinion on the matter, he fails to understand the full weight of the issue. (Of note, at the earliest, my mother would not have begun demonstrating BPD traits until either after or right before she moved out, so my uncle, who was very young at the time, would never have had the opportunity to witness the reality of what her husband and children went through living with her.) Instead of me taking it simply as an opinion that I can easily disregard knowing that it doesn't fit the particular situation, I became overwhelmed, feeling a mix of betrayal, anxiety, and as though I'm being judged as wrong.

The real issue here is how I coped. For a couple hours after, I had to have my husband watch our son so I could be in another room and blow off steam by cleaning. I was scared of upsetting him from being too tensed up and emotionally unavailable. I realize it's asking too much of any parent to try to be perfect for our children, but at the very least he needs a mother who can model healthy habits and relationships and be emotionally available even when I'm stressed out or upset. I guess my real question is, now that I'm aware of these things and recognize I need to change and/or adjust behaviors and thought patterns in these areas, what do I start with? How do I provide consistency with those around me (particularly my son) as I try to heal?

[beefree]

Harmonystar,

Firstly, let me say to you no one else gets to tell you what's okay and what's not as far as contact with your mom. Only you can do that - and while your uncle may feel a certain way, he doesn't get to make those decisions for you. You do. Don't allow him, however well meaning, to use fear, obligation, or guilt to make you feel bad about setting boundaries for yourself.

I think it's great that you care so much about being a great parent for your child.   One of my fleas ( ) that I picked up from my mom was the need to try to be perfect - as if in some way my perfection could have prevented her rants and rages or the broken relationship. In truth, her own unhappiness and fear - and whatever else was going on inside of her - was the cause.  NOT ME. No one can always be perfect.  If you had a friend who felt betrayed, anxious, and judged, would you expect that person to "be there for you" when immediately after being made to feel that way?  Would you judge them for being wrong to take a couple of hours to get it together? It sounds to me like you had the wisdom to take care of yourself, so that later you could be there for your child.

As far as where to start... .the guide on the right is very helpful.

Blessings!

[clljhns]

  harmonystar,

I guess my real question is, now that I'm aware of these things and recognize I need to change and/or adjust behaviors and thought patterns in these areas, what do I start with? How do I provide consistency with those around me (particularly my son) as I try to heal?

Just by asking this question, you are light-years ahead of where I was when I had my daughter 28 years ago. I also have an uBPDmom, and so I understand the need to learn how to have healthy relationships when we did not see healthy examples of this in our lives. Like, you, I also had many "friendships" that were based on the needs of my "friend." I will tell you that you can learn to find healthy boundaries and thus translate that to healthy relationships.

It's important to note that I have not spoken with my mother for over 10 years, nor do I have any desire to do so. While I understand this community tries to focus on repairing relationships, I personally do not want to re-invite all that I went through growing up back into my life let alone bring it into my husband's life and, most importantly, my 3 month old son does not need that woman anywhere near him.

I have been NC with my family for more than 10 years, so I can relate to the need for separation and personal space. I want to reassure you that, here, it is your choice, and no one will attempt to convince you to do something that you don't want to. Your healing from your childhood is a personal one, and we only want to support you in this journey.  

So, to your question. I think you have already taken several steps in this direction already. You are seeing a T and you want to heal. What have you and your T worked on and what is the plan for therapy?

I can tell you that I used CBT to stop the negative messages rolling around in my head. It helped me to stop ruminating over conversations with people as well. I used to spend hours, sometimes days going over a conversation in my head and thinking about what I could have said differently, interspersed with statements of condemnation "You're an idiot"; "No one will like you because you're dumb."

Dealing with the trauma of my childhood with a T is what lead to the greatest growth for me.

Wishing you peace and blessings on your journey.  

I realize it's asking too much of any parent to try to be perfect for our children, but at the very least he needs a mother who can model healthy habits and relationships and be emotionally available even when I'm stressed out or upset.

I think you will. The mere fact that you are seeking help speaks volumes for you as a mother. I also was so worried that I would not be able to provide my daughter with a loving and emotionally secure parent/child relationship. I was afraid that I would be like my mother. As it turns out, my mother's behavior sent me in the opposite direction. I did not treat my daughter the way I was treated. I will add that I did have difficulty accessing my emotions while I was a raising my child, mostly because I feared I would loose it like my mom. Today, my daughter and I have a very close bond, so I guess I didn't traumatize her too much!  

[harmonystar]

beefree, Thank you so much for reminding me about boundaries. Since I read your response, I've been repeating your words in my head to help calm myself every time I try to overanalyze the issue. Boundaries have been a problem issue for me in the past. I either don't set them and end up hurt because of it or I do set them, but instead think/feel that I'm just being selfish. I'll definitely keep working on it!

And thank you for providing a different perspective about how I coped. It worried me because there's been other things that have upset me since he's been born, but I could generally set them aside or at least "fake it" until I could process the feelings later on while he was napping. I still don't feel good about it, but the new way of looking at does help ease a lot of the negative self-talk.


clljhns, Thank you for understanding. The first time I ever had anyone who didn't immediately try to tell me either that I should try to reconcile with my mother or that one day I would was with my T, so I tend to anticipate it.

Unfortunately, my husband recently got out of the military and started a new job, so for the time-being, we're playing catch up financially. In the meantime, I'm putting into practice the things my T and I did work on, but they are mostly for reducing anxiety and preventing depression and we didn't get too far into it before my son was born. I'm sure if I called her, she would be happy to answer questions, but I feel I'd be taking advantage of her time without anything to offer in turn. I definitely want to get back to regular sessions, though!

I know exactly what you mean about conversations! It can drive me nuts. Even if I don't do it right away, it could be months later when I think back on something that was said and you'd think the conversation happened only minutes before the way I start fretting about it. Did you also do the same thing with anticipating conversations? I have a tendency to loop possible conversations in my mind, like when I know there's something that needs to be said or simply because I'm going to meet up with somebody.

I used to think it normal planning ahead, but I'm starting to realize I use a lot of energy and attention on these potential conversations that end up either never happening or when they do, they're pretty short, never going in any of the anticipated directions, and I'm the only one thinking twice about it. It's easy to say I'm overanalyzing, but getting myself to stop is considerably more difficult. When I catch myself, I tell myself to let it go in the moment, but I'll inevitably find myself doing it again not long after.

Today, my daughter and I have a very close bond, so I guess I didn't traumatize her too much! 

I'm so glad to hear that! Thank you for sharing the fear you had. It's one of the same fears I have that drives me to want to heal. Your words give me hope my son and I will do well and without me doing considerable damage.


As I'm looking around through the other posts here, I feel so uplifted. I've always been so frustrated over the years that others weren't seeing what I was seeing and either implied or outright told me I was exaggerating or imagining things (not counting the occasional few who wanted to play the "whose family is more dysfunctional game". But here, I can see us all sharing the same patterns, the same abuses, and the same mysteries and struggles. It's truly a relief to find others who can understand exactly where I'm coming from and that I can relate to, and all at various stages of healing. I may be more of a lurker at times (generally, my time spent online is while I'm nursing, so typing one-handed is a bit of a challenge), but I'll be following along. And I'm definitely going through the lessons. Again, thank you both!

[clljhns]

Hi harmonstar,

Unfortunately, my husband recently got out of the military and started a new job, so for the time-being, we're playing catch up financially. In the meantime, I'm putting into practice the things my T and I did work on, but they are mostly for reducing anxiety and preventing depression and we didn't get too far into it before my son was born. I'm sure if I called her, she would be happy to answer questions, but I feel I'd be taking advantage of her time without anything to offer in turn. I definitely want to get back to regular sessions, though!

Sounds like you have a lot going on, so I understand how difficult it can be to juggle all the moving parts!    Is there a community mental health center where you live? Most have sliding scales and offer support groups as well, which shouldn't put too much of a burden on your budget. It you are not able to do this, what are you doing for the anxiety and depression?

Did you also do the same thing with anticipating conversations?

Yes! I certainly did do this. I found that I was driven by my fears of what might happen which locked me into this pattern. I was so fearful that I would say the wrong thing, or most often, I wanted to be sure that I said what I needed to say and not get side-tracked by the response of the other person. Often, in conversations (if you could call them that) with my uBPDmom, she would go off on tangents, so it was difficult to get my point across. I found that in the end, it just wasn't worth the effort emotionally to put that much energy into a conversation with anyone that wasn't willing to be an active participant in a conversation. It takes two people to have a conversation, one who talks and one who listens. But these roles are supposed to change frequently throughout a conversation so that each party feels as if they are being heard. Once I actually practiced this with people who wanted to have a conversation, then it became clear how this worked, but more importantly, how this felt. Through practice, I learned that I could tell if I was having a conversation with someone who would reciprocate, or with someone who just wanted their side to be heard. It also occurred to me that I didn't always need to be heard. I say this because I realized that I was constantly defending my position. Being on the defensive made me appear hostile at times, so this was something that I tackled along with the CBT.

I could go on and on about how the messages in my head drove me to do the things I did in communicating with others, but I don't want to take up that much of your time. I will just say that getting rid of the negative messages freed me to actively listen to others and for me to not carry away the conversation if it did not go as planned.

Have you thought about negative messages that might be interfering with your ability to communicate? Is it possible that you feel you need to defend yourself, so you come with a list of things you might say?

Glad you are here! Please know we are here to support you! 

[harmonystar]

"A lot going on" is just the summary of the to-do list for us currently. It would all be a lot easier on us if it were all spaced out, but when life wants to throw kinks in the system, it does it all at once. Honestly, I haven't looked into any free programs offered in the area. Any sort of assistance programs out here are generally jam-packed, require jumping through hoops just to apply to get into, and generally follow the typical Monday through Friday 9-5 work week and require face-to-face for all aspects. The latter part alone being a major obstacle when we only have one car and my husband works those same hours about 1 1/2 hour away (not exactly the most feasible "drop him off, pick him up" situation, especially with a three month old). It's part of why I've been searching around online. I don't want all these things to be an excuse to set healing aside. Healing certainly can't happen all at once, but it can't happen at all if I let every unrelated obstacle prevent me from trying.

For anxiety and depression, it's mostly been a matter of staying conscious of thought patterns, recognizing them for what they are, and shifting them as needed. A lot of the depression issues result from poorly coping with the anxiety. My son keeps me from a lot of those bad habits. (It's a bit hard to keep curtains closed and sit around doing nothing but watching movies or playing games or other forms of idle escape, for example, when there's a baby who needs your attention and you're committed to helping him grow up healthy in all areas.) So I'm mostly working on the anxiety-related thought patterns.

It's part of what freaked me out with finding out my mother has my address. During the pregnancy, I feared she would manage a way to cross the rather large geographical gap and randomly show up at my door with me pregnant and completely unprepared to handle the confrontation. The strongest point to reduce the anxiety was that she didn't know where I lived. I'm calming myself now only by telling myself that since it was a wedding invite, that means that (hopefully) she's too busy with wedding preparations to plan such a thing and that we'll move before that changes. I also keep reminding myself of things my T and I talked about so that I can feel prepared if she did pull such a stunt by coming out here.

I completely relate to your experiences with conversations. What's worse is being the person who just wants to be heard. Once I got out of the household I grew up in, I went from someone who was very good at listening, that people came to talk to, and a great conversationalist to someone who never seems to quit talking (even in online conversations like these, I'm still "long-winded". It didn't take me very long to realize that I was making up for all the years of not being heard, not getting to put a word in, and ignored when I did (yes, even outside of the household). But it's taken considerably longer to realize that when you rattle on-and-on-and-on without other active participants, all those words and thoughts are still going unheard for the most part. I'm basically just masking the silence rather than communicating effectively.

Have you thought about negative messages that might be interfering with your ability to communicate? Is it possible that you feel you need to defend yourself, so you come with a list of things you might say?

Yes and most definitely yes! The negative messages have been hard to figure out as they usually stay buried under the surface, hidden in swarms of emotions. But when I translate them, it's like little voices looping things like, "they don't listen to anything I say, anyway", "they don't really care what I have to say", "maybe I'm just talking nonsense after all." If I boil it all down, there's a fear of silence. If there's silence, there is nothing, and nothing means I'm not doing anything productive. And if I'm not productive, I'm not of use to anyone. And not being of use to anyone leads ultimately to a deeply ingrained sense of worthlessness that can't even be "good enough."

When it comes to looping these potential conversations, it's definitely a matter of defending myself, but not always against the other person or people. Sometimes it's just fighting off those negative feelings. Of course, that then ties into replaying conversations that have taken place, and when I find something that makes me feel bad in anyway (letting tangents get in the way or even cutting someone off unintentionally), the guilt lets all those negative feelings resurface. Basically, all forms of communication, then, turn instantly into losing battles.

The sad part is, for all this self-awareness, I haven't figured out how to "fix" it. Even knowing the self-defeating inner voices are wrong (and throwing as many positive thoughts at them as I can think up) doesn't instantly make it go away or prevent me from acting on them. It's only after the fact that I catch myself. On some occasions I've caught myself in the moment and still go with it. I generally cringe when I do and then it adds more fuel to the negative self-talk later on.

Thank you again for sharing your experiences with me. It's so refreshing knowing I'm not the only one with these struggles and that they can be overcome.

[clljhns]

Hi hamonystar,

I completely understand how life's challenges can put us in a position to change our original plans, especially when a baby is involved and only one car to boot!  I have been in that same position, so I do understand.

If I boil it all down, there's a fear of silence. If there's silence, there is nothing, and nothing means I'm not doing anything productive. And if I'm not productive, I'm not of use to anyone. And not being of use to anyone leads ultimately to a deeply ingrained sense of worthlessness that can't even be "good enough."

Oh, boy can I relate to this!  I do know what this is like! I used to be very quite at home and school. When I got out on my own and had my daughter, I found my voice. It almost seemed like a dam broke and I just couldn't stop talking! I probably drove a few people nuts with my chatter. I also understand what you are saying about not being productive if you are not doing something, even talking. So, what happens when things are silent? Why do you feel you need to avoid the silence?

The sad part is, for all this self-awareness, I haven't figured out how to "fix" it. Even knowing the self-defeating inner voices are wrong (and throwing as many positive thoughts at them as I can think up) doesn't instantly make it go away or prevent me from acting on them. It's only after the fact that I catch myself. On some occasions I've caught myself in the moment and still go with it. I generally cringe when I do and then it adds more fuel to the negative self-talk later on.

Another statement that I can relate to. So what can you do to stop the negative messages? I have included some links to help you with this. First, is an article about ruminations: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0 I took this from the workshop tab on this site. There are many other workshop links available for you to peruse.

CBT is the best form of therapy out there that I am aware of for changing the negative messages to positive ones. Youtube has many videos on the subject, but I cannot refer you to one in particular, as I haven't watched them all, so I am not sure which one would be best for you. Take a look at them and see which one offers the help you are looking for. I would look for any general information first to understand how CBT works and then look for specific videos which teach you how to use CBT effectively.

I hope this helps!

Wishing you all the best!