I'm tired of his self-centeredness

[Depression = 72% of members]

Thanks, Cat!  I appreciate the congratulations.  It feels so good to be making positive changes.  Unless you have lived through some of the situations we come up against daily there is no way to understand.  The support is so encouraging. 

I have good friends, but i don't even try to explain exactly what I am going through, trying to overcome.  They know that sometimes things are rough. 

Thank heavens for this site. 

I am glad you are staying centered and happy.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Thanks, Cat!  I appreciate the congratulations.  It feels so good to be making positive changes.  Unless you have lived through some of the situations we come up against daily there is no way to understand.  The support is so encouraging. 

I have good friends, but i don't even try to explain exactly what I am going through, trying to overcome.  They know that sometimes things are rough. 

Thank heavens for this site. 

I am glad you are staying centered and happy.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ColdEthyl]

I think, like Cat, he is often unhappy and i don't like for anyone to be unhappy.  I usually feel somehow responsible.  I am trying to curb that habit.

I fix things for supper that he likes, etc.  but after a recent separation, I realized that he can take care of himself more than I gave him credit for. 

Now back together. I am desparately trying to be authentic.  It is difficult to break my old habits of trying to fix everything.   Taking care of myself - alone time, exercise, plenty of sleep are helping.

Just yesterday at grandaughter's b'day party, we drove in separate cars.  He does not like family parties.  Oh how I wish he would share my happiness in these times.  But, instead of getting upset with him - he left early.  I just enjoyed myself immensely.  Yea for me!   

I used to expect that he should enjoy the same things I do and would be upset when he did not.  Now I realize that is how he is, and I am ok with that as long as it doesn't stop me from enjoying them.

Yay Mustbeabetterway, cheers! You're breaking the bonds of codependency. It's been such a lifelong habit for me to want to "make people happy" that not doing it is a tremendous relief! I'm taking baby steps and trying to be really mindful. When he sees I'm not taking the bait (the FOG--fear, obligation, guilt), he's been trying harder to let me know that he thinks I'm selfish, self-centered, oblivious to his needs, whatever.

It used to be that would be really motivating to me to try to "make him happy" by being overly attentive, solicitous, inquiring about his feelings. Now, I'm ignoring these comments and if he gets to the point where he outright accuses me of these things, rather than merely hinting, I'll just have to agree with him. It's becoming interesting to observe how the dynamics are changing. I'm staying centered and happy. He's welcome to have whatever emotion he wants.

I need to start doing this also, Cat. I spend way too much time trying to make sure HE is happy >.>

[waverider]

Like everything pwBPD will over "need" things to the point of their own detriment.  Its never enough. Whether it is something to medicate themselves with, the latest interest, food fad, fitness fad, latest friend, it will be their "salvation" but it never is, and is just overdone to the point of dysfunction.

Support and empathy is the same, the more you give the more they need until you are trapped in over supply requirement and they often end up the hopeless waif.

Therefore it is important that you control its use wisely and don't let the level be set by what they would like, but rather what you see as a modest sufficient amount to keep unnecessary things from creating dramas to a minimum. Dont try to solve everything with bucketfuls of S & E, you can loose yourself in this need just as much as anything else. The "Truth" part is essential to help you temper this. Dont skimp it simply because it seems to undo the S & E.

[ColdEthyl]

Like everything pwBPD will over "need" things to the point of their own detriment.  Its never enough. Whether it is something to medicate themselves with, the latest interest, food fad, fitness fad, latest friend, it will be their "salvation" but it never is, and is just overdone to the point of dysfunction.

Support and empathy is the same, the more you give the more they need until you are trapped in over supply requirement and they often end up the hopeless waif.

Therefore it is important that you control its use wisely and don't let the level be set by what they would like, but rather what you see as a modest sufficient amount to keep unnecessary things from creating dramas to a minimum. Dont try to solve everything with bucketfuls of S & E, you can loose yourself in this need just as much as anything else. The "Truth" part is essential to help you temper this. Dont skimp it simply because it seems to undo the S & E.

I pretty much have done this. I think the past few years I have over-coddled him, in essence making him worse. I am slowly trying to back off from it... taking a bit off the table here and there. I will have to sit down and do some serious thinking about how much is acceptable, and my plans to handle these events in the future. No doubt at some point he will notice the change and flip out. What IS nice is even though I still get just flat out tired of dealing with him at times... .I no longer hurt and rack my brain trying to figure out what I did. I no longer take it personal. Baby steps... .ever so slow... .baby steps... .