How to keep validating

[townhouse]

When my uBPD SO is in his kindly moods he likes to advise me on various things. Sometimes however, I have already thought of what he advises and have taken action on it. I can see the black paint brush appear when I say something like "Oh yes I've already phoned them, they will be here tomorrow.

What's the best response to not have words like that seen as non validating.

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[EaglesJuju]

Hi townhouse, 

I would acknowledge that he mentioned/advised you. Give him credit for his suggestions.

[takingandsending]

Probably along the lines of, "That's a good idea. Thank you. I had thought of the same thing and have called so and so ... ."

I have the same difficulties with my uBPDw. She doesn't much care for independent thought or ideas, whether they agree with hers or not. It's mostly about making sure that she knows she is heard and valued.

Waverider had the best suggestion when it comes to validation: it really is supposed to come from your heart, i.e. you really mean it. I am pretty certain that is why my wife is underwhelmed by many of my attempts, because I haven't worked through the resentment I have toward her to be heartfelt. Without working through that lurking discontent, our SOs tend to feel slighted anyway. Best not to be too attached to SO's reaction unless you genuinely want to let him know that his advice is valued.

[waverider]

When he advises you to do what you have already done, you are glad he is in agreement with your decision right? Say so.

"I'm glad you think that is a good idea too, great minds must think alike, I just called them to do just that". Then give him a hug, or thumbs up. You are happy you are on the same page show it.

What you are trying to not portray is that you think you are ahead of/better than/quicker than him. They are on the look out for implied criticism

Then leave it at that. Validation is good but don't overdo it. It oils the machine but can't rebuilt it if its broken.