Do "lighter" cases exist? Is there hope for her?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone,

I (26) am in a relationship with a D-BPD-GF (23) for two months now. In the beginning it was heaven on earth. We were like soul mates, even objectively (we both listen and identify with a very niche type of music, are both vegan, and loners, and very similar in a lot of things). It was romantic beyond measure, we wrote like 5 love letters to each other every day, had amazing sex all the time, she is gorgeous(!) in a very rare way, cooks perfectly, "needed" me, and showed so much warmth and appreciation for all my romantic efforts.

   

Then, after a few weeks, she slowly began to get upset about things. She didn't really let me "feel" it, she just withdrew internally, lying down in bed, silently staring into nothing. I then lay by her side, caressed her and tried talking soothingly to her, and eventually she always "melted" and everything was fine again. She told me she sometimes gets into very dark moods, feeling totally alone and having an evil voice in her head telling her bad things about me and everybody. But that she can break this state by not believing this voice, by seeing our relationship als "holy", and eventually will always melt and be mine again. Sometimes she withdrew and was very cold towards me, but when she saw me helplessly leaving in distress, she broke through the darkness clouding her, overcame her pride, hugged me, and it was okay again. She said, this darkness/coldness in her destroyed all her (many) relationships, but she will not allow it to happen this time, not anymore, not with me. She will do her best to always break free of it, and surrender to my caring arms.

However, this did not last. She more and more got into her dark moods when she was alone, and more and more even in my presence. But she only withdrew into herself, never shouting at me, never insulting me. Only in our frequent messenging (via smartphone) she sometimes got very insensitive and selfish in her wording, but only indirectly.

Nevertheless I could cope. The upsides of the relationship far outweighed her cold times.

But as our relationship grew more to everyday-life, she got dissatisfied more and more. She told me to feel like taken for granted, now that I have her, missing the romance we had, and demanded me to put more effort into our relationship. I did, but it never seemed to really satisfy her. And there was only so much I can do, considering that I have a demanding job to do as well.

As tension rose, she finally admitted to having BPD, and not being able to feel anything but extremes. Also she told me that she is aware of me being not able to live up to her unrealistic standards, and that she is about to find "her way". She is already in therapy for one year, mainly because of her having depression and anorexia, but seemingly her therapist detected her BPD-tendencies, however not "officially" diagnosing it, in order to not spoil her career opportunities (she currently is an undergraduate/student). I'm not sure how much her BPD is being treated, but her therapy is about to be extended for another year. She also is about to engage in a support group for BPD, and wants me to join. Topic of the next meeting on first of April is "how to make a partnership work".

Nevertheless, I got very distressed after hearing about her having BPD and reading lots of stuff about it in the internet and books (in a very short amount of time, practically not doing anything else). I'm now currently in a real down state, and she is sensing it and currently on distance herself. Before she told me, I was hopeful, and enjoying the positive sites of our relationship. But now I feel devastated (but I only know for three days now).

I so much wonder if there is hope for her. She rationally sees how her behavior has killed so many relationships in the past. She admits to having BPD. She is in therapy and ever trying to find "her way", every time after having fallen again, realizing that she is idealizing and that I just cannot possibly meet her unrealistic expectations, that nobody can. And that she is committed to staying with me, because there simply is/will-be no "better" one. She will join the local BPD support group. She never shouts at me or insults me, just withdraws into herself, for realizing that expressing and acting out her dark moods has destroyed every one of her many relationships to date. Her last relationship (the one she gave up for me) lasted for over a year, and even though she was unhappy in it, she claims to have never cheated on him (though they didn't have sex for the last six months). However, she was on antidepressants for most of the relationship, and only discontinued shortly before meeting me.

On the other side, yesterday she told me a lot of things going on inside her. She told it like a holiday story, apparently not aware of the implications and severity of what she was  telling me. I kept validating her, not really expressing the enormous distress I was feeling, and so she went on and on talking. She told me she only can think and feel in black and white. She either can love me with all her heart, or has to be completely(!) indifferent towards me. And since I never can love her back the way she wants to, she has no choice but now going for total indifference. There is just nothing she can do about it, otherwise she would feel powerless, and that would mean death for her. She needs to be in power! She also told me that with all her boyfriends, there always came the point where they did *something* wrong, and even though she realizes these things to having been trifles, she couldn't help hating them for it, and never being able to allow the relationship to heal afterwards. Even worse, she was actively avoiding at all costs anything that could make her "melt" and forgive and save the relationship. Once, two years ago, she was madly in love with a guy she knew for a very long time, and who was always there for her, enduring all she threw at him. Finally she decided that he was the 'right one' and to reciprokate his love. But that completely turned around in one(!) day! As he was not willing to quit his job and move-in with her across half the country right-away(!), she felt so betrayed and hurt, that all her loving feelings for him died on the spot and to this date, though he is still always there for her (they message each other every day). Even though she realizes how unrealistic it was what she demanded of him, she just cannot forgive his "betrayel". She also told me she intentionally hurts the people loving her, to see how far she can go, how "real" their love is. And she admitted to having had abusive relationships with "asss", because she could'nt stand not being worshipped by these guys (like so many others did), so she tried everything to convince them (mostly through doing everything for them sexually), but never succesfully. She resents these men, and rues her "stupidity", and her ineffective efforts to change them, but doesn't mind at all them having taken sexual advantage of her. I was devastated about her indifference about all that when telling me about it. It seemed to be the most commonplace things in the world to her, that she was not at all realizing the effects these tellings were having on me.

Eventually I couldn't hold it anymore and started crying. At first she put her arms around me soothingly. But then she told me to stop! Because if I didn't, she probably would start crying herself. And when that happens, she would need to leave my place, for not being able to allow herself show so much "weakness" in my (or anybodys) presence.

Please tell me: What would you make of all this? I felt so hopeful and even happy a few days ago, but now (currently) I feel devastated. She is (at least partly) realizing her responsibility, is in therapy, seems to be committed to our relationship, and was actually able to maintain another (less fitting) one for over a year (until she met me).

[Reign_of_Light]

Hi everyone,

I (26) am in a relationship with a D-BPD-GF (23) for two months now. In the beginning it was heaven on earth. We were like soul mates, even objectively (we both listen and identify with a very niche type of music, are both vegan, and loners, and very similar in a lot of things). It was romantic beyond measure, we wrote like 5 love letters to each other every day, had amazing sex all the time, she is gorgeous(!) in a very rare way, cooks perfectly, "needed" me, and showed so much warmth and appreciation for all my romantic efforts.

   

Then, after a few weeks, she slowly began to get upset about things. She didn't really let me "feel" it, she just withdrew internally, lying down in bed, silently staring into nothing. I then lay by her side, caressed her and tried talking soothingly to her, and eventually she always "melted" and everything was fine again. She told me she sometimes gets into very dark moods, feeling totally alone and having an evil voice in her head telling her bad things about me and everybody. But that she can break this state by not believing this voice, by seeing our relationship als "holy", and eventually will always melt and be mine again. Sometimes she withdrew and was very cold towards me, but when she saw me helplessly leaving in distress, she broke through the darkness clouding her, overcame her pride, hugged me, and it was okay again. She said, this darkness/coldness in her destroyed all her (many) relationships, but she will not allow it to happen this time, not anymore, not with me. She will do her best to always break free of it, and surrender to my caring arms.

However, this did not last. She more and more got into her dark moods when she was alone, and more and more even in my presence. But she only withdrew into herself, never shouting at me, never insulting me. Only in our frequent messenging (via smartphone) she sometimes got very insensitive and selfish in her wording, but only indirectly.

Nevertheless I could cope. The upsides of the relationship far outweighed her cold times.

But as our relationship grew more to everyday-life, she got dissatisfied more and more. She told me to feel like taken for granted, now that I have her, missing the romance we had, and demanded me to put more effort into our relationship. I did, but it never seemed to really satisfy her. And there was only so much I can do, considering that I have a demanding job to do as well.

As tension rose, she finally admitted to having BPD, and not being able to feel anything but extremes. Also she told me that she is aware of me being not able to live up to her unrealistic standards, and that she is about to find "her way". She is already in therapy for one year, mainly because of her having depression and anorexia, but seemingly her therapist detected her BPD-tendencies, however not "officially" diagnosing it, in order to not spoil her career opportunities (she currently is an undergraduate/student). I'm not sure how much her BPD is being treated, but her therapy is about to be extended for another year. She also is about to engage in a support group for BPD, and wants me to join. Topic of the next meeting on first of April is "how to make a partnership work".

Nevertheless, I got very distressed after hearing about her having BPD and reading lots of stuff about it in the internet and books (in a very short amount of time, practically not doing anything else). I'm now currently in a real down state, and she is sensing it and currently on distance herself. Before she told me, I was hopeful, and enjoying the positive sites of our relationship. But now I feel devastated (but I only know for three days now).

I so much wonder if there is hope for her. She rationally sees how her behavior has killed so many relationships in the past. She admits to having BPD. She is in therapy and ever trying to find "her way", every time after having fallen again, realizing that she is idealizing and that I just cannot possibly meet her unrealistic expectations, that nobody can. And that she is committed to staying with me, because there simply is/will-be no "better" one. She will join the local BPD support group. She never shouts at me or insults me, just withdraws into herself, for realizing that expressing and acting out her dark moods has destroyed every one of her many relationships to date. Her last relationship (the one she gave up for me) lasted for over a year, and even though she was unhappy in it, she claims to have never cheated on him (though they didn't have sex for the last six months). However, she was on antidepressants for most of the relationship, and only discontinued shortly before meeting me.

On the other side, yesterday she told me a lot of things going on inside her. She told it like a holiday story, apparently not aware of the implications and severity of what she was  telling me. I kept validating her, not really expressing the enormous distress I was feeling, and so she went on and on talking. She told me she only can think and feel in black and white. She either can love me with all her heart, or has to be completely(!) indifferent towards me. And since I never can love her back the way she wants to, she has no choice but now going for total indifference. There is just nothing she can do about it, otherwise she would feel powerless, and that would mean death for her. She needs to be in power! She also told me that with all her boyfriends, there always came the point where they did *something* wrong, and even though she realizes these things to having been trifles, she couldn't help hating them for it, and never being able to allow the relationship to heal afterwards. Even worse, she was actively avoiding at all costs anything that could make her "melt" and forgive and save the relationship. Once, two years ago, she was madly in love with a guy she knew for a very long time, and who was always there for her, enduring all she threw at him. Finally she decided that he was the 'right one' and to reciprokate his love. But that completely turned around in one(!) day! As he was not willing to quit his job and move-in with her across half the country right-away(!), she felt so betrayed and hurt, that all her loving feelings for him died on the spot and to this date, though he is still always there for her (they message each other every day). Even though she realizes how unrealistic it was what she demanded of him, she just cannot forgive his "betrayel". She also told me she intentionally hurts the people loving her, to see how far she can go, how "real" their love is. And she admitted to having had abusive relationships with "asss", because she could'nt stand not being worshipped by these guys (like so many others did), so she tried everything to convince them (mostly through doing everything for them sexually), but never succesfully. She resents these men, and rues her "stupidity", and her ineffective efforts to change them, but doesn't mind at all them having taken sexual advantage of her. I was devastated about her indifference about all that when telling me about it. It seemed to be the most commonplace things in the world to her, that she was not at all realizing the effects these tellings were having on me.

Eventually I couldn't hold it anymore and started crying. At first she put her arms around me soothingly. But then she told me to stop! Because if I didn't, she probably would start crying herself. And when that happens, she would need to leave my place, for not being able to allow herself show so much "weakness" in my (or anybodys) presence.

Please tell me: What would you make of all this? I felt so hopeful and even happy a few days ago, but now (currently) I feel devastated. She is (at least partly) realizing her responsibility, is in therapy, seems to be committed to our relationship, and was actually able to maintain another (less fitting) one for over a year (until she met me).

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Reign_of_Light,   

Welcome.  I am sorry that you are going through this.     I understand how frustrating, confusing, painful, and ambivalent BPD behaviors are.   

I understand that you could feel discouraged and devastated.  BPD is a very tough disorder to cope with for both partners.  Many BPD behaviors such as withdraw and avoidance can be very tough for a non-BPD partner to cope with.  Learning about the disorder truly helps with coping and understanding what your partner is going through.  Here is a link that is very helpful for understanding BPD. 

Article 2: The Symptoms and Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder

Your gf is in therapy and is self-aware that she has a problem. That is a huge step for a person with BPD (pwBPD). The support group shows her commitment to work on her maladaptive behaviors.  It is also promising that she wants you to join the support group and be a part of her recovery. 

There is hope for pwBPD.  Many types of therapy, such as Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) have been shown to be quite effective.  A pwBPD can learn to effectively manage their maladaptive behaviors and lead a successful life. 

My bf is in therapy and has made progress. Sometimes it can be tough for me to cope with many of his maladaptive behaviors, but I keep an optimistic outlook.  I was very pessimistic for a long time and my outlook affected the dynamics of my relationship. 

What are you mainly discouraged with, BPD or her past relationships?

[Wrongturn1]

ROL:  Sounds like a lot of angst and drama through the course of a 2-month relationship.  That's encouraging that she is working on it in therapy, and there is a chance that her symptoms could improve significantly or the BPD could eventually go into remission.  On the other side of the coin, therapy might not help her, and she might be a toxic relationship partner for the rest of her life.

I suggest asking yourself this question: "What factors in my own psychological makeup caused me to be attracted to someone with BPD?"  If the answer highlights some area(s) of improvement that is needed for your own psychological health, work on that.

[Reign_of_Light]

Hi,

thank you .

Yes, she is in therapy, but I'm doubtful about its effectiveness. It's not DBT, and she is already one year in therapy, whilst mostly symptoms are being adressed, like her depression or anorexia. She is not telling it all to her therapist, and also thinks very lowly of the "skills" and homeworks she gets there. I'm not sure how serious she is with actually adressing and working on her BPD. It rather appears to me, that she wants to handle it "her own way".

There is truth to that my psychological makeup contributes to my attraction to her. She is my first "real" relationship (with 26 years of age), and I also lost my virginity only half a year ago. I am by no means unattractive and get lots of glances and opportunities also, but was ever to insecure to act on them. I am non-assertive, mostly surrendering to her every whim, closed up inside myself, "walking on eggshells", passive! It is my problem with the other sex, and I need to overcome it, overcome my passivity, and become self-confident and assertive. I do have self-esteem, but I'm very adjustable in my wants, and use it as life strategy. But like the article states, no woman really wants a passive guy.

And as if she sensed it, my BPD-GF today wrote me just that: (translated, we're not English-speaking) "I want a man with whom I can laugh and cry. I want a man, who doesn't hide behind books, to understand me, but how asks me, what's happening inside of me. I want a man, who tells me about his feelings, fears, thoughts and sorrows, I don't want a man who punishes me with his silence. I want a man, who is persistent talking to me, even if I don't want to talk. I want a man, who challenges me. I want a man, who surprises me, and who shows me the beautiful sides of life. I want a man who surprises me spontaneously and goes getting an ice cream together on a warm, sunny day. I want a man, who goes having a picknick with me, when the weather is nice. I want a man, who takes the initiative. I want a man who spontaneously surprises me with a visit to the cinema, or who does the groceries for me and cooks, or at least comes up with ideas. I want a man, who shows me, even with little things, that I'm not alone in this world, that my sorrows are his also, and that he is behind me and stands up for me. I want a man, who does not react to my provocativeness. I want a man, who I don't have to tell all the time, what he should do. I want a man who thinks for himself, and who plans in advance, I want a man who gives thought to his relationship. I want a man, who takes the relationship seriously, and who makes an effort for it. I want a man who loves me, and who I can depend on.

I want a man, who has a relationship with me, who thinks and acts for this relationship. Who cares, and makes efforts, instead of laying back and watching. I want a man, who only wants the best for himself, starting with food. I want a man who knows what he wants, a man with demands, needs and wants, who is not satisfied with less, who advocates his ideals.

And I want a man who does not follow every whim or crazy idea of mine, without priorly checking if it matches with his needs and desires, provided he has needs and desires. I don't want a man who is meek and mild about everything, just so that I am quiet. I don't want a man who surrenders all decisions to me, and who always choses the path of least resistance."

Well, unfortunately she's dead on! I was quit appeasing to her, thought it to be the best strategy, and never was very assertive with respect to womanhood in general.

 

Question for me now is, if she is my challenge, my mission to growth, to assert myself and become a "man".

Or if I'd better run as long as I am still able to (and right now I think I still am without having taken too much damage), and try to grow my manliness with somebody else.

 

Also, what I really think about, is, whether I should insist on regularely seeing each other only on week-ends. That would make sure, that I can take care of my demanding job, over the week, as well as being able to regenerate if necessary, to take a brake, whilst I also can think about and prepare activities and romantic gestures for the weekends, where we then would have time to really untertake things together.

Sounds glorious to me, but she is absolutely and furiously against it (shouldn't be surprising I guess). What do you think? Should I insist? Or would it backfire to keep her on distance for the whole work-week?

Currently she wants to see me every other day (every day was to "everyday-ish" to her).

[Wrongturn1]

And as if she sensed it, my BPD-GF today wrote me just that: (translated, we're not English-speaking) "I want a man with whom I can laugh and cry. I want a man, who doesn't hide behind books, to understand me, but how asks me, what's happening inside of me... .

Wow, that's a long and detailed description of what she says she wants.  However, if she has BPD, you can give her everything that she "wants", but it will not make her happy or satisfied because she has a severe mental illness.  Definitely do not change yourself to fit her list of wants.  Instead of focusing on her long list of "wants", focus on what you need and want to be healthy.  There are several books out there you might find helpful in reducing your passivity and codependency, such as "No More Mr. Nice Guy" or "Codependent No More" and others.

 

Also, what I really think about, is, whether I should insist on regularely seeing each other only on week-ends.

Maintaining boundaries around the amount of time spent together might help you keep the relationship in a healthy balance with your life... .it sounds like a good idea to me if that's what you need.  Also, keep in mind that you have a right to insist on weekend visits only if that is what you choose for your time boundary - if she cannot accept visits on weekends only, she has a right to leave the relationship (but at least you've held your boundary and taken a step toward assertiveness and a stronger sense of self).  If you do this, you might also consider what kind of boundaries you need to place on phone calls, emails, and text messaging so that she does not monopolize all of your time when you are not together.

[Tim300]

I am sorry that you are going through this.  I would not expect your relationship dynamics with her to be any different than her past relationship dynamics.

As far as your question goes about "lighter" cases existing . . . Unfortunately, the severity of BPD often is not fully exposed until after you get engaged, move in together, have a child, etc., so getting serious with a pwBPD and hoping it is a "light" case is quite a risky proposition.  Based on all the details you provided it sounds like this is not a light case, and that if you get too close you are likely to get hurt (and oddly she'll somehow possibly get hurt through all the trauma of it). 

Not a good situation to be in, but on the bright side, at age 26, before you made a major life commitment, you were able to learn about this illness (most of us here got completely blindsided once we were deeper in).  Also, knowing what you're up against now -- before things really get rocky -- will give you an opportunity to brace yourself and navigate the waters a bit better than is normally possible.

Be aware that even if she knows she has BPD and is working on it, she will still unfortunately likely be unable to control it at critical junctures (even if she wishes she could control it).

[Reign_of_Light]

You are right! I also more and more doubt her being a "light case". Right now she is frantically messaging me, obviously intending to make me feel guilty for leaving her alone right now. I'm not answering, for the first time ever, even though a massive pile of messages must have built up by now. I hear my smartphones message sound all the time for quite a few minutes now! I feel cruel  . But I told her I have to make a call! And as far as I can see in preview, she is really provocative in her writing. Now she even left WhatsApp and wrote me a SMS going like this: "I'm freaking out!".

Honestly, am I doing the right thing? Or should I soothe her, regardless. She is obviously not feeling good. But I don't want to reward her freaking out, and don't anymore want to be available "all the time"! Again, I told her, I was making a call (to my sister)...

 

Yes, I feel very fortunate to be aware now, before too much harm is caused.

Two more questions:

1) Can I really tell her that she is 'free to leave' if she doesn't agree to my requirements? Isn't that a bit cruel? Like really 'threatening' to her, blackmailing even?

2) I'm so far to really detach and distance myself emotionally from her, whilst still feeling and living sympathy and compassion for her, as best as I can, and continuing the relationship. Is this right? She'll probably feel my being much more distant emotionally, won't she? But I really fear for my feelings when introducing boundaries to our relationship, or even telling her that she is free to leave. Also she is reconnecting with many of her ex-boyfriends right now, and I really want to avoid jealousy in me, or heartache in case she really cheats on me. After all, she tells me all the time, that she can't stand feeling dependant on me (or anybody) and would do anything to prove herself her independence.

[JohnLove]

Hello reign_of-light, I am very sorry that you have discovered BPD "the hard way"... .that's how I did it. I am vegan also... .are you certain that she is Vegan or is it mirroring? I have had BPD partners mirror that aspect of me. I only ask because being Vegan requires a pretty large dose of empathy and compassion which is usually absent with people suffering from BPD but mirroring is very common  :'(

There is a certain "something" about people who find themselves in relationships with a person with BPD (pwBPD) that probably needs some "work" on themselves but love can happen anywhere.  . The problem with love with a pwBPD is that it is more based on need than genuine reciprocated love. You are still in the early stages and you should read the article on here: How a BPD relationship evolves, so that you are more "prepared" what you are in for should you decide to continue the relationship. Don't forget your needs or what you want.

When I read your post I felt it was very open and refreshing that so much information was shared between yourselves but I could also see many red flags    such as the move where she had not ended her previous relationship that had no intimacy before idealising you and entering into an intimate relationship with you.

I am hearing that you have many good qualities and you have found here looking for help, but never forget she is mentally ill and you cannot fix her. :'(

In your second post you provided us with a list of her wants. It nearly caused my head to explode.  .  :)id you notice that you were curiously absent in that list. She is so focused on her own needs that yours aren't even going to be considered, another  ... .be very careful here... .because that realisation is EXTREMELY PAINFUL, and will signal to you that the relationship is very one sided, and that my friend is not love.

The continued communication with an ex that gave her his all but ultimately "betrayed" her and she still maintains regular communication with is another  . She needs the "attention" as many pwBPD cannot be alone or feel "abandoned" and if they even sense that is about to happen they will abandon the other person before they are themselves abandoned. Twisted? Yes... .but that is BPD.  :'(

pwBPD can manipulate their therapist and it is often no more than game playing and attention seeking because they will be entirely focused on their needs... .but that relationship may come with an unhealthy dose of contempt and resentment... .because ultimately the therapist is right and pwBPD cannot be "wrong".  

Do what you can for her... .but focus on yourself. Put YOURSELF first in the relationship. Do what you can for YOU. Read the tools here. Learn all you can to be in the best position for you.

Life involves suffering... .but a relationship with a pwBPD can cause untold suffering.

Be careful. Be wise.

[Reign_of_Light]

Wow, thank you, JohnLove .

Yes, she really is vegan. If not her, nobody is. She really puts it to beyond religious extremes, it absolutely defines her. We already met over a year ago, and it was on a local vegan meetup group. But I doubt it's too much about the animals. It is more something giving her identity. Something giving her a sense of rebellion and uniqueness, something she can be really perfectionistic about.

 

Fortunately, this realisation is not "EXTREMELY PAINFUL" to me at least, because this is something I sensed early on. She doesn't care at all about me, or - as she puts it - she wants me to open up and tell her myself. After all she is telling me all the time about her! Perhaps she means it, but - for example - to this day she doesn't really know what I am doing for a living, even though I love talking about it, as it is my passion also. I sometimes began, but didn't sense any interest, and the topic was always changed to one of hers in a blink.

Perhaps here is something, that's probably not totally "right" with me, because I strangely didn't mind too much. All in all I don't like talking too much about me, or at least feel very vulnerable when doing it, especially to her, since she doesn't make me feel like she cares at all. So I'm quite happy with her doing the talking most of the time. She is quite emotional doing it, and I find it pleasant listening to her.   

Or perhaps I'm just introverted.

But yes, it's really one sided. Everything is about her and her needs!

I could bear that, since, again, she is really pleasant to look at and listen to. Really creative, vivid and romantic. She also is an amazing cook, and desiring sex all the time, without any shame. (And she's gorgeous)

Last but not least, she evokes protective instincts in me, and a desire to "save" her. Though I'm now realizing that this is not possible.

Yes, she desperately craves attention. Even in our "high" times, she insisted on texting her ex-boyfriends, who's attention and "desire" she claimed to need, calling them her inferiors, her subjects (whilst I am her king, but who is required to be a subject of sorts as well, she even told me so).

Well, if it's true, that she will abandon me if she even senses abandonment from my side to happen, then I can consider her gone already. I was absolutely appeasing to her for two months, rushing to her aid almost whenever she wanted, and was at the very least always unconditionally availabe in messaging.

Now, as I learned about her BPD, I felt massively distressed and doubtful, and she definitely sensed it. Currently I ignore her frantic messaging (which I never did before), though I will look after it as soon as I finish this posting. When I now start introducing boundaries and answer her messages irregularily, I fear for the "worst" if what you say fits her.

Yes, I too think she is playing sort of a game with her therapist, at least she is not entirely honest with her. Though she likes her very much!

Let's see...

[Reign_of_Light]

And this is what she messaged me whilst I was "calling my sister":

"Alright, leave me alone... "

"I just want you to open up to me. Love is nothing that is said only. But, what do I expect from someone who never had a relationship... "

"You cause massive chaos in my feelings right now. Now I even miss Alex." [her boyfriend before me]

"Your practice and theory obviously didn't amount to anything. Of course I do not want that you have even less time for me, and that your spend your time with ___ people instead of me. I get more and more angry! I just don't know how to make it comprehensible to you." [before that she told me I should have spent more time with people]

"I feel so threatened right now!"

"And it sucks so much, that we are not being able to see each other every day, and that you didn't come up with any idea, that you let me figure out all that ___ alone once again. Obviously the relationship means nothing to you. I can't believe that you leave me alone with my thoughts and all my hate and anger." [It was her who insisted on seeing each other every other day]

":)on't ignore me! Why the hell to you have to call your sister now? I really feel messed around with. You just don't understand anything! I really don't have much more strength and patience for this."

"And that's what I'm saying: Where's your empathy? Instead of resolving things with me, you call your sister? Do I have to comprehend this? I'm so furious that you leave me in the rain like this, but here you are, I can do so, too."

     

Now she has switched off her phone. Once again I wonder if I did the right thing in ignoring her ranting for an hour. Perhaps she would feel much better now, if I just had stayed and listened to her, ignoring her insults, wouldn't she? Obviously she was in distress, or pain even, and wanted to be seen, heard, and listened to. To be taken serious! But on the other hand wouldn't I then have send the meaning that it is okay to be so disrespectful to me? That she can ignore my boundaries if only she is furious and provocative enough?

I'm really not sure about this...

[richardson]

And this is what she messaged me whilst I was "calling my sister":

"Alright, leave me alone... "

"I just want you to open up to me. Love is nothing that is said only. But, what do I expect from someone who never had a relationship... "

"You cause massive chaos in my feelings right now. Now I even miss Alex." [her boyfriend before me]

"Your practice and theory obviously didn't amount to anything. Of course I do not want that you have even less time for me, and that your spend your time with ___ people instead of me. I get more and more angry! I just don't know how to make it comprehensible to you." [before that she told me I should have spent more time with people]

"I feel so threatened right now!"

"And it sucks so much, that we are not being able to see each other every day, and that you didn't come up with any idea, that you let me figure out all that ___ alone once again. Obviously the relationship means nothing to you. I can't believe that you leave me alone with my thoughts and all my hate and anger." [It was her who insisted on seeing each other every other day]

":)on't ignore me! Why the hell to you have to call your sister now? I really feel messed around with. You just don't understand anything! I really don't have much more strength and patience for this."

"And that's what I'm saying: Where's your empathy? Instead of resolving things with me, you call your sister? Do I have to comprehend this? I'm so furious that you leave me in the rain like this, but here you are, I can do so, too."

     

Now she has switched off her phone. Once again I wonder if I did the right thing in ignoring her ranting for an hour. Perhaps she would feel much better now, if I just had stayed and listened to her, ignoring her insults, wouldn't she? Obviously she was in distress, or pain even, and wanted to be seen, heard, and listened to. To be taken serious! But on the other hand wouldn't I then have send the meaning that it is okay to be so disrespectful to me? That she can ignore my boundaries if only she is furious and provocative enough?

I'm really not sure about this...

Does she always answer your calls and reply to you immediately?

[Blimblam]

While I do think their is hope for lighter cases.   

I agree with tim300 it's hard to really know the depth untill you have fully commited and opened yourself up completely.  Unfortunately that triggers the disorder!

I think in order to maintain a rs with a pwBPD a sort of emotional distance is required.  Think kissing cousins more than soulmates. 

[Blimblam]

I think you kind of already described the dynamic that will wok for her when you wrote she would chase jerks he tried to tame.  Now you don't have to be a major jerk just remain in some way emotionally unobtainable so she chases you forever.  That creates the kind of emotional distance she requires and as she attempts to close that gap by chasing you the dynamic works although perhaps somewhat shallow. 

[Reign_of_Light]

Thank you for your replies.

   

richardson: Not always, but most times, yes :-/ ! She has her smartphone around her almost at all times.

 

What happened now is, that she wants to start the relationship all over again. She claims to not see any other "solution". I am convinced she is doing this to make me court and romance her all over again, to make me be really after her again. I'm not sure if I am able to pull that off convincingly, after all that has happened  .

Perhaps this is the chance to reboot our relationship, to get to new terms, and to be emotionally more unobtainable, like you suggest, Blimblam. But I doubt this matches her expectation of me wooing her.

[Wrongturn1]

1) Can I really tell her that she is 'free to leave' if she doesn't agree to my requirements? Isn't that a bit cruel? Like really 'threatening' to her, blackmailing even?

You can tell her that if you wish, but I would suggest instead that you tell her how much time you have available to be physically present with her (i.e., on the weekends only) and that the rest of the time you need to be focused on your studies or whatever it is that you need to do.  Then stick to your boundary on visiting time and do not back down from it.  She can determine for herself whether she wants to be in a relationship where she only sees the other person during weekends.

If you tell her she is free to leave if she does not like it, that comes across as an ultimatum or maybe bullying, so I would suggest just stating your boundary around time and sticking to it.  She can figure the rest out for herself.

[Reign_of_Light]

I did. For now I only told her, that I need some time for myself, because I'm hurting, and that I don't want to meet her until Saturday.

 

She is now frantically texting me, that this is the worst thing I can do to a human being, that she will never be able to forgive me, that I proved her worst fears to be true, that it is terribly hurting, and that she is cutting herself to punish herself in my name.

[Wrongturn1]

The thing to keep in mind is that she has a severe mental illness, and you therefore have to examine carefully whether what she says is true or if it just reflects the workings of a disordered mind:

"this is the worst thing I can do to a human being"

     - Not really; you're just stating a healthy boundary.  What you did was not bad or cruel at all.  You do not exist for the sole purpose of being physically present with her 24 hours each day.

"she will never be able to forgive me"

     - This may be correct.  People with BPD seem to keep a running list of all the perceived wrongs that have been committed against them; I know mine does this.  I don't think my uBPDw has ever forgiven me for anything. 

"I proved her worst fears to be true"

     - Well if not seeing you until the weekend is her worst fear, then her worst fears are not really that bad. 

"she is cutting herself to punish herself in my name"

     - Do not accept the blame for her cutting herself.  People with BPD cut themselves in an effort to ease emotional pain.  That's her issue, not yours.