How do I, is it possible, to re-ignite the flame?

[Yes95]

My lover and I met at work.  I am self employed and she came to work for me and we just clicked emotionally and intellectually as I am now beginning to understand happens all the time for BPD's.  I fell in love which seems too bad for me. 

She had started dating another fellow about the same time as me, I knew, he didn't and I didn't care because she seems so needy that two men was okay by me.  I also know about her other sexual indiscretions that he has no idea about and I originally just figured that was part of her and I am not so jealous. Even though I have other lovers also, she captured my heart.  Because of my family situation, I cannot spend all the time with her that he can so I know she will hang on to him rather than be alone.  I wish she will tell him but I'm sure that will never happen.  I have even gotten to know him quite well and he is a nice man, he just doesn't know about us and I'm under strict instructions not to tell.

We had this relationship for over a year now.  After I fell in love, she was coming clean with so many secrets and I became aware that she needed professional help.  She developed a drug habit and was ultimately prostituting to raise enough money for drugs.  I bought her an insurance policy to help her get treatment.  When finally she committed to go into residential care I did everything I could including temporarily enable her to get her through the time for everything to work out and finally it did.

I drove her to the facility, checked her in and she was incredibly cruel to me that night, which I shrugged off as typical of someone entering such a facility.  She cut off my access to learn about her progress or contact her and not his or her only other friend.  She stayed in treatment for 30 days.  After 10 days she finally called and after 17 days she wanted me to visit to start talking about boundaries when she came back to work.  They wouldn't let me visit that week or the weekend before her discharge.  We did get to talk on the phone and we had 2 in person meetings to talk about these boundaries and rebuilding our friendship.

I told her we would concentrate on work during work hours and that I didn't want her back unless we also had personal time to be friends again.  In giving me her boundaries, she specifically left out anything that would limit personal relationship development and we have talked about that agreeing that in our new paradigm (post treatment) anything can happen in our friendship.  I want my lover back!

She is attending PHP and started back working for me now scheduled 2 days a week last week.  We have been friendly and it has been nice and I am careful within the boundaries.  Meanwhile, HE stays with her during the time he can and have not been invited, I've not pressed visiting time outside of work because it feels like rebuilding a relationship.

BPD's don't think like everyone else.  If this was an ordinary girl, I want to give her time to miss me, remember good times, see that I don't need her.  Letting her come to work on a more formal basis, is that just healing time for her?  Should I press for some weekend visiting time?  Is she now getting the message that I won't abandon her so she doesn't need to be affectionate with me?  I can hardly stand it!  She did mention possibility of time this weekend in passing but I think maybe it was that BPD thing, a hint to avoid the real discussion or event.

Can I re-ignite this?  I don't want her hurt and I still want her heart, at least a little bit.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[NGU]

Your questions are a little beyond my scope of knowledge. For now, welcome to the forum. I hope you can feel comfortable here.

[Cat Familiar]

Wow. I don't even know where to start with your questions. Please take some time and read the lessons to the right of this page.

You weave quite a complex tale and if I start unraveling it, I have a lot of concerns.

1. You are her employer and former lover and you want her to be your current lover.

2. You have paid for her rehab, yet she refused to see you for a time in the facility where you subsidized her treatment.

3. She has another lover and she has also prostituted herself.

I'm wondering just what sort of relationship you want. You say you have other lovers. This is really confusing to me. You know you are dealing with a person with mental illness who has other problems too. What do you see in the future between you and her?

[Yes95]

I was the hero.  I got her into rehab and off drugs.  That much is sure and I got sucked into her web.  I understand that this is common among BPD relationships.

I am 15 years older than her and our relationship prior to rehab was quite toxic.  Naturally, you would expect that someone at rehab would counsel her that I was no good in her life and not understand my feelings for her.  I love her.  I would do or sacrifice anything.  She was angry when I took her in, she has had many relationships where she was forced into treatment, I'm sure I got put into that category until she was dealing with things better.  Visiting was only on weekends.  She was not allowed visitors at all the first weekend and tried to get me on the visitor list the final 2 of the 3 more weekends she stayed.  I spoke to her every Wednesday and also the final 2 Saturdays.

I never stopped relationships with others because she never did.  I live with an elderly parent who needs constant care and my children of my former marriage.  She lives alone and needs someone there all the time because as BPD, she doesn't want to be alone.  She talks of leaving him all the time but she won't.  After leaving her several times he keeps coming back to her even though he found her drugged up in the middle of sex acts with another guy and found her email log of arrangements for prostitution.

She could ultimately live here with me if she left him but she wants her independence.  I'm sure that is linked to not wanting to be controlled by someone else as a symptom of BPD.  I'm okay with it and I don't mind poly-amory if that's what works best.

I love her and I want the best for her even if I am not involved.  Given my choice, I would be her primary in the way he is now and not care about the poly-amory so there is no need to lie to each other.  I could be monogamous but I don't think that part of her life will ever change.  I want whatever I can get.

Right now, she has pushed even our non-sexual friendship off to the perimeters of our relationship.  I would know what to do if she didn't have BPD.  I would just leave it be and continue to do well for myself until she decided she was interested in me again or moved on permanently.  She does have BPD and leaving it alone may not be the best course of action if I want her in my life as a friend or as a lover!

I also want her off drugs and prostitution.

What now?  Please advise.

[Yes95]

She was angry when I took her in, she has had many relationships where she was forced into treatment, I'm sure I got put into that category until she was dealing with things better. 

I just wanted to clarify that this time she went into treatment voluntarily, she has been forced in the past by parents or by the court.

Regarding relative toxicity of our relationship, it became toxic in that each of us became co-dependant and was hurting the other regularly.

[NGU]

Hi Yes95.

After reading your posts multiple times, I think I finally realized what's missing. You added a lot of detail, but other than knowing you click on an intellectual level, you add no kind words about her. All we know is that she's a drug addict, a prostitute, has a mental disability and doesn't want to remain faithful.

My question to you will have to be blunt: Could part of this be that you might want to "save" someone? You might be well served with some introspection, so you can be confident about your true feelings for her. 

[waverider]

She is likely the BPD waif who thrives in victim mode and triggers your rescuer mode, which validates you. This is the basis of your codependency.

It is very likely the past you know of her is a far cry from the real version. Histories of pwBPD are always drama ridden with everyone else being portrayed as persecutors, even if they were once rescuers.

Be very careful in differentiating Boundaries from demands/wishes/needs. The former you action consequences, the later you require action by the other.

Having dual partners with one in the dark and one "in the know' is a common validating powerplay on the part of the pwBPD. Everyone is made to feel "special" for different reasons. Each partner is only valuable as long as they play the respective role. If the truth comes out then your roles are busted and the pwBPD runs from both as the bubble bursts.

[Mike-X]

Wow. You have been through so much. What kind of life are you imagining you would have if you were to get back with her? What are you imaging life would be like if you weren't able to get back together?

It seems that wanting to help and save a person living with BPD is common. Does she want to be saved?

You seem ambivalent about her having multiple sex partners. What are your concerns?

[Cat Familiar]

My concern is that you are open to inviting someone who is so obviously unstable into a home you share with children and an elderly parent. This seems like you'd be putting all these other people at risk for your own pleasure.