Pushed beyond our limits

[CookieMom]

When we give a "no" answer to 18D with BPD sxs, she begins to cry, yell, whine, and nag my H and I mercilessly, sometimes escalating to throwing things, slamming doors, refusing to go to her room to cool down, and following us from room to room and giving us no avenue of escape from her emotional dysregulation. When we have to say no to a request, (usually involving hanging out with someone she barely knows or going out when homework or chores are not done), we always try to validate her feelings. For example, "We know this is important to you and you really want to go, however…" She sometimes even uses a mocking tone to "throw back" the validating statement at us. The therapist who works with our D and meets with us from time to time has told us to walk away to another room if she begins to escalate the interchange. She will follow us, walk into our bedroom, chase us outside, bang on out door if it's locked, etc. She just won't leave us alone. I've even gotten into the car to drive away and she's jumped into the car with me! Sometimes this happens right before bed and I've had to leave in the car, exhausted, and drive around, giving us both time to cool. There have even been times when I've returned home after driving and she finds me in the locked extra bedroom and keeps asking me to open the door so she can talk to me, keeping me awake. I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes my husband or I finally begin yelling, feeling pushed beyond our limits.

We've tried to work on our relationship to improve making decisions together, so that there is no splitting us up to get a different answer. We also try to have our discussions about her request in private and away from her so that she can see we are united on the matter. My husband tends toward saying "no" more often than myself, now that she's turned 18. But, I will align myself with him if he seems to feel very strongly about the matter.

It bothers me terribly to be pushed to the point of yelling, since it toxifies the environment and role models poor interactive skills. It triggers PTSD sxs in my daughter and upsets our 14D. I would very much appreciate help from parents of children who display this type of tenacity (a strength if used properly) in infringing on others space to get what they want. BTW, we work very hard not to give in but usually the entire evening or day is "poisoned" from the emotional fallout it leaves. We are all exhausted and have a hard time "recovering" ourselves from vicious and mean things she says to us while she's in such a state. Also, my H often can't fall asleep after one of these episodes. Not good since he's a surgeon.

Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Sorry you are having to go through this Cookiemom,

I've been through it too and the relentless pounding we take can really threaten our stability and ability to respond in healthy ways.

You are right to distance yourself whenever possible from her rages.

One thing that I learned to do was find creative ways to say "no".

After validating... ."Let me give that some thought and I will let you know later", "I will talk this over with Dad and we will get back to you"

These types of responses delay her intense "in the moment" need.  Remember... .at that moment in time what she wants is the most important thing in the world to her and she will do whatever it takes to get it.

During this brief time that you have between her request and your reply there is time to get in wisemind and formulate a response, prepare yourself for a rage, or actually consider how to negotiate with her.

Other ways I have found to respond to a request... ."Ok, sure, as soon as you finish your chores you can go ... ."

"Sure, when you are 18 you can pierce any part of your face you want to"

Negotiating is the most powerful tool to model and practice... .it is a high level skill that empowers both of you... .

"I understand that you would like to go meet Justin.  I can understand why you would want to spend time with people your own age/new people/old friends/ and I am feeling concerned about this.  I want your safety above all things so I was wondering if maybe you would consider having him come here and hanging out for a few hours.  Maybe if I know you are safe and I can spend a bit of time around him I will feel more comfortable next time you ask to see him."

When and if the rage attacks happen it is imperative that you remain calm.  Restate as many times in a caring tone "I need self time to think and calm myself down." "I need to take some self time to get myself in a good place" "I need self time to be able to respond to your requests thoughtfully"

lbj

[lbjnltx]

Forgot to ask you Cookiemom... .

Did you sit down during a time of calm... .when the storm is passed... .and set kind and gentle boundaries with your d regarding what you will do if she rages?  Does she know in advance your boundary?

[CookieMom]

Dear lbjnltx,

We actually have not sat down to define the consequences of a rage. I'll have to think about that and talk with my H. Glad you asked the question.

I appreciate your suggestion of unique ways to say "no" and negotiate. I have tried this very technique and on rare occasions it works. Most of the time, "she wants what she wants when and how she wants it." But, I will persist with trying these approaches. They feel right to me and I would prefer to model negotiation skills with her as her F is not able to negotiate at all. (A personality limitation he has)

I really need to review my own boundaries as well. I've always been the "nice" girl, agreeable and needing to please. I'm still examining my need to behave this way and have made progress on it, but at this time, I think the pendulum has swung a bit to the other side. I trust it will come back to the middle with time. My H on the other hand has always had the ability to say "no" easily and doesn't mind who he says it to. I prefer a more thoughtful approach and can see it as a personal growing edge.

Thank you.

[lbjnltx]

Defining your value based boundaries are a must for you and all people... .our boundaries teach others what is acceptable to us. 

A violation of our boundaries doesn't result in a set consequence as defending our boundaries is what we will do for ourselves,... .not what we will do to anyone else.

My boundary is __________

When my boundary is violated I will _____________.

Here is some more info on boundaries:

Communicating Boundaries and Limits

lbj

[CookieMom]

The difference is at once clear to me but yet muddy at the same time. For example, if I define one of my boundaries as no physical violence in the house, then I have to ask myself, "What actions will I take to defend my boundary if it is violated?" Rather than, "If you hit me or throw the chair, a consequence of this behavior will be that I will call the police." In the first instance, I am owning my boundary and conveying what I will do to protect it. It is about communicating the boundaries in our relationship so that she can understand them and decide if she's going to respect them. In the second instance, I am sounding punitive and threatening, more of, "If you do this then I'll do that." A subtle but very important difference. Am I understanding you correctly?

[lbjnltx]

Your boundaries are personal to you... .

I will not tolerate physical violence against me.

Family values... .

We will not tolerate violence in our home.

Whomever sets the boundary enforces the boundary.

Limits are determined by the parents with input from the other members... .respectfully heard, understood, considered.  Limits are like rules of the house.