Another "Is this Normal" Question

[nowwhatz]

It's funny how I was conditioned over many months to accept behavior from my exgf that I normally wouldn't tolerate from anyone else under similar circumstances in a r/s.

I was talking to a Hispanic friend/acquaintance of mine about learning spanish. We practiced together a bit and he was helpful.  I know some basics but my speaking is really terrible, and with so much energy being spent on the exgf I practically gave up my studies 2 years ago... .and really digressed.

My exBPDgf is Mexican from Mexico and speaks decent English.

After she moved in with me last year I asked her to help me with my Spanish studies several times. Maybe take one day of the week where we only speak Spanish.

She always refused and would be sarcastic in Spanish and English and say take a course or something.  A couple of times her family visited and I got to practice my Spanish with them and they mentioned why doesn't she help you? And I said I asked but she doesn't want... .then she would display this attitude in front of her family.

This kind of bothered me and I was a bit dejected about further language studies.

So yesterday my Hispanic friend said don't you have a Mexican gf? Did she help you with Spanish?

I said we broke up and no she did not help me. My friend said why not? and looked surprised.

I told him she didn't want to.

To quote my friend he said: "That is mean!"  I asked why he thought that and he said: "when you are a couple you are supposed to care about each other and help each other with things. that is mean!"

Is my friend right or am I just whining and being too nitpicky?

I can tell you her attitude towards not wanting to help me is very painful now... .maybe I covered it up before and tried to brush it off but it is like a stab to the heart at this time for some reason.

[Mike-X]

I am sorry that you are struggling with this. Unfortunately, she is the only one who knows whether she was trying to be mean by not helping you with your Spanish. However, if she is living with BPD, I would doubt that she would tell you that she was intentionally being mean, because that would affect her view of herself. She might not even be clear/aware of her motivation.

With respect to couples caring about each other and helping each other with things like this, how do you feel?

[tjay933]

imo-when there is one partner with a second language I think it is "polite" for the mono-lingual to learn it as you were trying to do. It helps to bond the two of you together. to not try to learn is to say in a way that you aren't planning to be around so it doesn't really matter. kind of like the difference between going to mexico for a week-you learn a few common phrases or going to live there-you learn the language.

imo-she was just trying to keep you in control and appear better than you in her mind.

glad to see the FOG is lifting. keep up the good work and treat yourself to something special today-you deserve it.  

[nowwhatz]

I am sorry that you are struggling with this. Unfortunately, she is the only one who knows whether she was trying to be mean by not helping you with your Spanish. However, if she is living with BPD, I would doubt that she would tell you that she was intentionally being mean, because that would affect her view of herself. She might not even be clear/aware of her motivation.

With respect to couples caring about each other and helping each other with things like this, how do you feel?

Mike this was normal behavior for her and like you said she might not even be aware of her motivation. It would have required some effort and patience for her. 

With respect to couples caring and helping with things like this yes I think it is appropriate. At the time I accepted well that is who she is and shrugged it off.  Not that I was looking for a maid (I have been a single parent for most of my adult life and can take care of a house) but when she first moved into my house I remember she ironed a shirt for me.  I thanked her profusely and let her know I appreciated this caring gesture.  That may have been the last action of kindness. Nothing like it ever happened again.

She had no job, I paid all bills including her medical and other.  I am very hospitable and treated her like a guest in many ways.  It was a struggle to get her to help out in the house when I worked 60+ hour weeks.

I guess I am disgusted with how I was treated and thought I could just shrug it off  again but no.  It sucks.

[nowwhatz]

imo-when there is one partner with a second language I think it is "polite" for the mono-lingual to learn it as you were trying to do. It helps to bond the two of you together. to not try to learn is to say in a way that you aren't planning to be around so it doesn't really matter. kind of like the difference between going to mexico for a week-you learn a few common phrases or going to live there-you learn the language.

imo-she was just trying to keep you in control and appear better than you in her mind.

glad to see the FOG is lifting. keep up the good work and treat yourself to something special today-you deserve it.  

Tjay,

I was and am very fond of her family and wanted to be able to converse with them and get to know them better. That was one of my primary reasons for studying... .plus I enjoyed it and wanted to converse with the gf in spanish also.

Yeah you are right... .a control thing.  Would love to treat myself and thank you so much.  I have to work so much today so don't think I can do much for myself.

[tjay933]

how about close your eyes and take a five minute escape in your mind to some tropical location? or imagine eating that favorite chocolate cake? great prices on those today only.

[raisins3142]

It is normal for partners to want to help each other with things they have in common, etc.

A nice GF I had in the past was a fine artist.

She loved giving me drawing and painting lessons.

[Madison66]

You know, I've analyzed and over-analyzed behaviors by my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years.  Things that really bothered me or were more noticeable further into the r/s.  Many friends and family members would just shake their heads and ask "why do you put up with it?"  And, I did put up with it for too long for a number of reasons all of which I ultimately had control over.  Where am I going with this?  Well, one of the largest lessons I learned from my r/s with a pw PD is that it doesn't matter if it's normal, abnormal, abusive, non-abusive, accidental, incidental, etc.  What matters is if the behavior or treatment conforms with or is at odds with your values.  In other words, if kindness, love, sharing, caring, etc are all values you live by then the treatment from your ex gf didn't fit with your values.  Plain and simple, it doesn't work for you.  I can tell you I allowed myself to get pretty FOG'd in and I simply didn't want to engage in simple discussions with my ex gf asking her why she treated me certain ways that bothered me.  I know that what I experienced and what others experienced in that type of discussion would have been defensiveness, further verbal or emotional abuse and then threats.  Again, all things that don't jive with my own personal values.  This is a huge lesson I've learned and will carry with me for as long as I'm walking around this earth.  It also helps me to cut through ruminating that I used to do about much of the messy r/s.

[nowwhatz]

how about close your eyes and take a five minute escape in your mind to some tropical location? or imagine eating that favorite chocolate cake? great prices on those today only.

Tjay I couldn't get to any chocolate cake but did employ a "fight the power" strategy and listened to my spanish lesson on my iphone while driving down the freeway to my business meeting... .actually went really well.   Before the meeting I was greeted by a person who only spoke spanish and had a surprisingly good topical conversation with him.

Then tonight I spent about 1 hour texting in spanish with another friend. It seems like I was able to channel my anger into delving into the spanish lessons on my own. Who needs the careless, thoughtless, selfish b*tch anyways.  I have plenty of resources and available resolve to make it happen if I want.

Maybe not as tasty as chocolate cake but I got a little satisfaction and was surprised at how quickly I was learning.

Don't mean to overanalyze but I think I lost interest in my studies after making so much progress 2 years ago on account of the crappy r/w with this exBPDgf.  Then when I tried to pick it up again hoping she would help and was again disappointed and it sapped me of my ambition and confidence to learn.

Maybe this is mean of me to say but F the b*tch... .I am going to learn this language in spite of everything that happened. This is a fight I can win.

[JohnLove]

Good on you nowwhatz, glad to hear your FOG is lifting.

You are perfectly entitled to your feelings.

[nowwhatz]

Good on you nowwhatz, glad to hear your FOG is lifting.

You are perfectly entitled to your feelings.

Thanks John!

Still surprised at the intensity of the grieving process... .especially being angry, and considering I have an understanding of BPD and know this person and the dynamics of our former r/s so well.

Really thought I could go through this with not a lot of aggravation.

After so many recycles where I knew she would always come back this is the first time I know I will not take her back again.  Perhaps the finality of it is what has gotten to me.

[Infared]

WOW! We DO get in a F.O.G. now don't we.  You live in the United States (just for the record... .I am democratic... .not an angry republican! LOL!)... .you have an interest in the language of her country... .This should ingratiate yourself to her. You have personal growth learning another language, you can communicate better with her family. It would be a fun, intimate experience for both of you etc... etc... .It's a win/win.    What a great guy!

Do I need to say anything more?

Why are you questioning yourself? (tough in cheek, here).

That behavior on her part is self-centered at the very least... .and to me... .(NOW!) ... .a giant   '

i.e.  :)o I want to be with a person who behaves that way.   No. I deserve better.

I just spayed myself down with half a can of Door-Mat-No-More!     Would you like the other half? LOL!   

[Reecer1588]

You know, it's funny but I can actually relate to this exact post, but in slightly a different way.

I speak German.

I always wanted to teach my uBPDexgf a little bit of German, but she always got weird and defensive about it, and honestly it hurt my feelings.

That was it 

[nowwhatz]

WOW! We DO get in a F.O.G. now don't we.  You live in the United States (just for the record... .I am democratic... .not an angry republican! LOL!)... .you have an interest in the language of her country... .This should ingratiate yourself to her. You have personal growth learning another language, you can communicate better with her family. It would be a fun, intimate experience for both of you etc... etc... .It's a win/win.    What a great guy!

Do I need to say anything more?

Why are you questioning yourself? (tough in cheek, here).

That behavior on her part is self-centered at the very least... .and to me... .(NOW!) ... .a giant   '

i.e.  :)o I want to be with a person who behaves that way.   No. I deserve better.

I just spayed myself down with half a can of Door-Mat-No-More!     Would you like the other half? LOL!   

Thanks infared... .I need a little picking up so I really appreciate your kind words. 

I am not always a great guy and do some very stupid things because of my poor judgement but for the persons in my life I love I will walk miles over glass to be there for them if I had to.

At times it was appreciated by the exgf but the dysregulation snafu'd that.

You know, many in her family in Mexico is amazing and some of the most interesting people I have met in my life.  I am still a FB friend to her nephew and her sister as I mentioned before.  Over the years it is apparent which of her family will not put up with her... .and the 2 who remain my FB friends are among them. For personal growth and to get to know these amazing people I hit the books hard in 2011 and 2012. It is hard for me but I would count it as a victory to be able to totally detach yet remain friends with some of the truly amazing people in her family... .and eventually learn enough Spanish... .yes they appreciated me and how I took care of their sister/aunt.  These are the type of people who can enrich your life just by knowing them. 

Maybe the exgf didn't care about helping me because then her family would know me better.

Her oldest sister and her dear mother sadly enable her.  She was able to paint me black to them last year when they visited.         Nobody but her oldest sister knows the extent of the criminal conviction but the rest of the family knows how she is.  Sadly, the mom had a stroke a few weeks ago and the sisters in the family have had to work in shifts to take care of her.   The exgf was a professional caregiver and medtech until she screwed that up forever and cannot travel to Mexico without a judge's permission.

Yes,I have friends and acquaintances who are married to or have gfs originally from spanish speaking countries, who took the time and effort to become proficient in spanish.  It is obvious when I am around them they care for each other.

Not gonna give up but trying to study spanish does not make the pain any better... .somewhere inside of me there is a determination to fight through it at almost any cost. I don't want to be defeated my her, my bad choices or the past!  War is hell.

Oh well... .here I am... .it will get better! 

 

[nowwhatz]

You know, it's funny but I can actually relate to this exact post, but in slightly a different way.

I speak German.

I always wanted to teach my uBPDexgf a little bit of German, but she always got weird and defensive about it, and honestly it hurt my feelings.

That was it 

Sounds like the same thing in reverse.  Other than casino slots mine did not and does not have any hobbies of any type.  i speak an asian language very well but my exgf did not want to know any of it... .she doesn't like asian women (her exhb has an asian gf an my exwife was asian) so there was defensiveness there.

I never look for an activity partner in dating and really enjoy meeting people who are different than me.  Just could not expect any interest in my exgf in any of my hobbies... .except when I first met her... .she had to be by my side for everything.

[nowwhatz]

WOW! We DO get in a F.O.G. now don't we.  You live in the United States (just for the record... .I am democratic... .not an angry republican! LOL!)... .you have an interest in the language of her country... .This should ingratiate yourself to her. You have personal growth learning another language, you can communicate better with her family. It would be a fun, intimate experience for both of you etc... etc... .It's a win/win.    What a great guy!

Do I need to say anything more?

Why are you questioning yourself? (tough in cheek, here).

That behavior on her part is self-centered at the very least... .and to me... .(NOW!) ... .a giant   '

i.e.  :)o I want to be with a person who behaves that way.   No. I deserve better.

I just spayed myself down with half a can of Door-Mat-No-More!     Would you like the other half? LOL!   

Thanks for the offer infared... .I am going to Costco to buy a case of it

[Loosestrife]

Definitely not normal