Realizing the FOG

[gomez_addams]

uBPDw has been out of town for almost two months.  One of our routines is that I text her (even when she's here) every day when I get to work, and then every day when I leave work.  Just a little "have a nice day, I love you."  Of course, she responds maybe once or twice a week.  Normally I get to my car in the evening, and there's no response to my text.

Since she's been gone I still text her every day, but I'm realizing that I feel obligated.  I'm afraid of not texting her.

About a 18 months ago or so I was running late for a meeting, and I skipped the text message when I got to the parking lot at work.  When I got home there was a message on the fridge about how she "misses the little text messages I used to send her every day... ."  Literally, I skipped one morning in six months or more, and she left a little passive-aggressive note for me to find when I got home.

I know I have to recover from this... .it isn't simply "if we get divorced, I'll be all better because she's gone."  I'm not sure how to deal with this (the obligation and fear), but I'm definitely going to bring it up with my therapist next week.

Anyone else have experiences like this?  How did you get over it, regardless if you stayed/left.

Thanks,

Gomez

[Michelle27]

I totally understand that feeling of obligation.  I got stuck there for years with rages that always resulted in some new "task" to be added to my plate.  I mentioned this in another thread by saying it made me feel like one of those circus performers that balances plates and bowls on sticks and spins them all.  I just kept adding more expectations to my plate.  My husband worked out of town and one of those expectations was me making the phone calls.  I was expected to make every one and he didn't have to make any.  Those phone calls became almost dreaded because they were an expectation, not something I WANTED to do.  The realization that I wasn't looking forward to making those calls was a tough one... .I was ashamed that I was annoyed by having to make the call.  Heck, at that point I was actually relieved on the day he would head out of town because it gave me a break from walking on eggshells.  I never wanted to acknowledge that uncomfortable feeling but I finally had to. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Gomez, Why bother texting when you arrive/leave work?  You say she only responds once or twice a week.  So why do it?  The answer, as you suggest, is that you do it out of Fear, Obligation and/or Guilt, which are classic ways to manipulate someone.  Yet you have a choice whether to allow yourself to be manipulated.  You're an adult, not a child who needs to check in with his mother.  What do you get out of these text messages?  Maybe it's time to make a change in the routine?

LuckyJim

[FigureIt]

Lucky Jim you are right.  We need to change that fear/obligation thought.  My uBPDbf has now placed the expectation that I need to initiate sex/intimacy.  Now it feels like a duty.  He claims he wants it more, but will not initiate, then blames me... .WHAT?    But, Lucy Jim is right!  I need to stop that fear/obligation.  If I don't stop it then he will just demand more.

[gomez_addams]

Thanks, gang.

I think a change in routine is in order.

[rj47]

Thanks, gang.

I think a change in routine is in order.

A first step to changing the dynamic and resetting the dialogue... .eventually it will eat you from the inside out if you don't start down the path of reclaiming yourself. It took me 20 years. Too late for me; but good for you. RJ