I don't get the anger and indifference

[Depression = 72% of members]

Since my x of 6.5 years told me her feelings have changed apart from the first week where we both talked on the phone once i emailed her to say its over and I was really good about the BU she has just got colder and more angry .

She wanted me gone, she screamed down the phone she does not love me and has not done for years should have left me ages ago ... .

Wrecked everything I wont even bother reposting the tornado of hurt and callousness she caused ...

How can someone be so cold and angry ? She prompted the BU she was the one who wanted me gone I tried to be nice about the whole thing but all I got is me, me , me

We were at least if nothing else friends ( although she told me she no longer needs me as a friend as she has new ones )

I just don't get how someone can be so self centred cold and cruel after 6.5 years together ? I would have been happy to stay friends but she has made it impossible nor does she seem to even value my friendship despite texts after the BU where she asked if we could go for coffee when I "feel better" .

She did admit to purposefully distancing herself from my family for a year

I guess I'm being naive she has been out of love for 12 -18 months so it must be easy ?

She also told me three weeks before the BU "she would kill herself if something happened to me " so I don't know what the truth is

Plus when I spoke to her a week after she said she never said she had not loved me for a year and accused me of being crazy (gas lighting)

Its been six months and all I get and I have to provoke to get a response is anger or silence .

[dobie]

Since my x of 6.5 years told me her feelings have changed apart from the first week where we both talked on the phone once i emailed her to say its over and I was really good about the BU she has just got colder and more angry .

She wanted me gone, she screamed down the phone she does not love me and has not done for years should have left me ages ago ... .

Wrecked everything I wont even bother reposting the tornado of hurt and callousness she caused ...

How can someone be so cold and angry ? She prompted the BU she was the one who wanted me gone I tried to be nice about the whole thing but all I got is me, me , me

We were at least if nothing else friends ( although she told me she no longer needs me as a friend as she has new ones )

I just don't get how someone can be so self centred cold and cruel after 6.5 years together ? I would have been happy to stay friends but she has made it impossible nor does she seem to even value my friendship despite texts after the BU where she asked if we could go for coffee when I "feel better" .

She did admit to purposefully distancing herself from my family for a year

I guess I'm being naive she has been out of love for 12 -18 months so it must be easy ?

She also told me three weeks before the BU "she would kill herself if something happened to me " so I don't know what the truth is

Plus when I spoke to her a week after she said she never said she had not loved me for a year and accused me of being crazy (gas lighting)

Its been six months and all I get and I have to provoke to get a response is anger or silence .

[rockdog]

Anger is one of the tactics BPD use to control and isolate you.  My ex is a master of the indifference and anger technique.  For the last five years it seemed as if almost everyday my ex was unexplainably angry at me.  Most times it was miss placed anger but, all the time it was my fault.  Ex would leave for a week sometimes and all the time blaming and hating on me.  Nothing I could do or say  would make situation better.  I m just talking from experience.  When the anger starts it will repeat over and over again.  I became the target of ex full blown BPD, and that my friend is never a good place to be... .

[Pou]

6.5 years?  yOu want to hear clueless?  I dated my NPDw for 6 years, got married for 7 more years before I realize she is a NPD.  Now how do you like that as clueless.  And then I was in FOG not knowing what was going on and that took me 3 kids later ... .so now I am cement stuck.  My advice to you is that don't waste your energy think about the years that you have lost.  Think about how much more you could have lost.  Be happy and cut the cord completely (if you are able) and move on.  Be thankful for your realization that it is not too late for you to start a new life.  Trust me ... .you don't want to be stuck with a PD. 

[dobie]

She blocked me on her on her  phone after I sent her drunken texts and told her I'd met someone else and that I wanted to forget her  .


She never told me never to contact her though at any point after the BU

It was more a case of I block her , she blocks me etc

[EaglesJuju]

PwBPD have intense feelings of anger, shame, self-loathing, and sadness. They have a very hard time regulating emotions.  PwBPD can express inappropriate anger or have frequent angry outbursts. This is common when a pwBPD perceives real or imagined abandonment.

They engage in coping mechanisms, such as splitting to cope with their feelings.  Through splitting (painting you black), they view you as  uncaring, unloving, abandoning, neglectful, etc.

There is a tendency for pwBPD to avoid associations of their negative feelings/emotions. It is like the saying, "out of sight, out of mind."

Many times a pwBPD's indifference or lack of empathy is a result of a pwBPD suppressing their emotions, shutting down, dissociating by acting  calm, or appearing cool, deliberate and reasonable, but their behavior is really under the control of overwhelming emotions that they would experience if they let go.

[dobie]

It just doesent make sense ?

Why detach for a year then instigating a BU then be angry , resentful, cold  and acting like a victim .

[EaglesJuju]

It just doesent make sense ?

Why detach for a year then instigating a BU then be angry , resentful, cold  and acting like a victim .

I understand that it does not make sense. BPD is ambivalent and paradoxical.  It is hard to make sense out of a disorder if you are trying to compare a pwBPD's behaviors to normative behavior. PwBPD tend to rely heavily on their emotions.  It is hard to make sense of behavior that is reliant on emotions.

[dobie]

It just doesent make sense ?

Why detach for a year then instigating a BU then be angry , resentful, cold  and acting like a victim .

I understand that it does not make sense. BPD is ambivalent and paradoxical.  It is hard to make sense out of a disorder if you are trying to compare a pwBPD's behaviors to normative behavior. PwBPD tend to rely heavily on their emotions.  It is hard to make sense of behavior that is reliant on emotions.

Don't we all rely on emotions though especially women ?  I mean if I'm happy I keep doing what makes me happy if I'm sad I don't etc ?

[JRT]

It just doesent make sense ?

Why detach for a year then instigating a BU then be angry , resentful, cold  and acting like a victim .

Mine did the same thing and her anger seems to be like the kind of anger one would associate with someone who had been violently victimized. In reality, I was good to her to the extent that her co-workers used to remark that after being married to their spouses for 30 plus years, they could never imagine their husbands doing some of the cool and selfless things that I had done for her. She agreed and made sure to let me know just a few days before she disappeared.

I think that it is the way that they deal with the shame of the b/u. The intimacy and fear of abandonment triggers the b/u... .they are unable to rationalize the b/u to themselves or to others... .so they concoct a story that manifests itself via the smear/distortion campaign... .they do so well to convince themselves of this that the anger comes along for dramatic effect. They accept the concoction as reality.

[EaglesJuju]

Don't we all rely on emotions though especially women ?  I mean if I'm happy I keep doing what makes me happy if I'm sad I don't etc ?

We do rely on emotions, but we also factor in rational thoughts. For a pwBPD, feelings are equivalent to facts. Emotions take control of all aspects of a pwBPD's life.  Non-disordered people can discern feelings from facts and do not rely heavily on emotions at the expense of reasoning.

[dobie]

It just doesent make sense ?

Why detach for a year then instigating a BU then be angry , resentful, cold  and acting like a victim .

Mine did the same thing and her anger seems to be like the kind of anger one would associate with someone who had been violently victimized. In reality, I was good to her to the extent that her co-workers used to remark that after being married to their spouses for 30 plus years, they could never imagine their husbands doing some of the cool and selfless things that I had done for her. She agreed and made sure to let me know just a few days before she disappeared.

I think that it is the way that they deal with the shame of the b/u. The intimacy and fear of abandonment triggers the b/u... .they are unable to rationalize the b/u to themselves or to others... .so they concoct a story that manifests itself via the smear/distortion campaign... .they do so well to convince themselves of this that the anger comes along for dramatic effect. They accept the concoction as reality.

Its all so hard to work out JRT I was not perfect I mean I stopped wanting to sleep in the same bed as her for over a year as she used to rage or complain before bed , chuck me out for snorring etc  we bickered a lot my T said that was the r/s dynamic for me keeping an angry part of me alive ... I was not pro active with my job and social things I was drained with her and my sick dad but I was always kind , understanding , loyal and commited , never broke her trust so I just don't know

She is an extremely selfish,  superfical , neurotic , professional victim of a  person BPD or not I was just ignoring all her negatives for so long ... .

Other people close to me saw it long before the BU I just wouldn't listen if they tried .

I realise if I was a healthier person with more self esteem I would not have tolerated this for so long or even be missing her like I am .

Learning things about my dysfunction has been the best thing about this BU

[JRT]

It just doesent make sense ?

Why detach for a year then instigating a BU then be angry , resentful, cold  and acting like a victim .

Mine did the same thing and her anger seems to be like the kind of anger one would associate with someone who had been violently victimized. In reality, I was good to her to the extent that her co-workers used to remark that after being married to their spouses for 30 plus years, they could never imagine their husbands doing some of the cool and selfless things that I had done for her. She agreed and made sure to let me know just a few days before she disappeared.

I think that it is the way that they deal with the shame of the b/u. The intimacy and fear of abandonment triggers the b/u... .they are unable to rationalize the b/u to themselves or to others... .so they concoct a story that manifests itself via the smear/distortion campaign... .they do so well to convince themselves of this that the anger comes along for dramatic effect. They accept the concoction as reality.

Its all so hard to work out JRT I was not perfect I mean I stopped wanting to sleep in the same bed as her for over a year as she used to rage or complain before bed , chuck me out for snorring etc  we bickered a lot my T said that was the r/s dynamic for me keeping an angry part of me alive ... I was not pro active with my job and social things I was drained with her and my sick dad but I was always kind , understanding , loyal and commited , never broke her trust so I just don't know

She is an extremely selfish,  superfical , neurotic , professional victim of a  person BPD or not I was just ignoring all her negatives for so long ... .

Other people close to me saw it long before the BU I just wouldn't listen if they tried .

I realise if I was a healthier person with more self esteem I would not have tolerated this for so long or even be missing her like I am .

Learning things about my dysfunction has been the best thing about this BU

Maybe you were all of those things, but what if you weren't? I was never any of that (except snoring of which I curled up on the sofa regularly without complaint or fanfare so that she could get a good night sleep) and the net/net was the same. The destiny of the entire mess was the same for me as it was for you: the person that we loved the most left us though in a normal r/s, we would have been given some sort of medal!

I really hope that you do not beat yourself up over those things.

[Deeno02]

You should try the anger and Indifference. It worked for me. The day I had been dreading came yesterday. Had to go to Volleyball parent meeting. She coaches my sons team. First time I had really seen her and been in the same room with her in 7 months. I was hesitant walking in, but then I saw her. And nothing. No fight or flight, no feeling of longing, no feeling of pain, maybe a tad bit of nostalgia, but nothing. I made no contact with her, I stood about 3 feet from her while getting some hand outs, normal stuff. I said nothing, I acknowledged nothing, I was my usual goofy self with the other parents and players, I looked good, and she avoided me like the plague. Im not going to say that Im 100% over her, as I cant turn off my emotions like a BPD/NPD person, but she doesnt rule my emotions anymore like she used to. I went to bed last night and I woke this morning. Guess what. The moon was still around, the sun rose, cars went by making their racket, said good morning to the neighbor, let the dog out to do her thing. Guess what Im trying to say is, life continued. The world did not stop for her or me.

[dobie]

The anger is overwhelming I'd rather feel sad tbh ...

Indifference I'd love but the crux of my problem is I was happier with than without her ... .


My T says the issues I have that lead me to her will take perhaps years of therapy to resolve urghh

[JRT]

I also was happy with mine... .but there was no raging against me (she raged against her son)... .I really don't think that there was any love bombing at all either... .nor was there any corresponding devaluation... .it all seemed normal with a few exceptions (she kept a LOT of stuff inside and she often times seemed secretive, though I have no reason to suspect an affair - call me naive). As such, I had no concerns as she moved in and we headed towards marriage.

The nuclear bomb that went off however... .WOAH! Never saw it coming. Frankly, I would take a bullet wound to the cutting off, blocking and silent treatment that I have received. It's been six months.