Being Blamed for other people's (mis)deeds

[Wordage]

My uBPDh has a habit of blaming me for other people's behaviour, especially if I do not take his side or 'refuse' to see his point of view. It has led to various arguments and me thinking that either I am dealing with a rather unreasonable person or I am nonchalant about things. I wonder if anyone else goes through this.

Case in point:

Before I knew about his BPD, we had gone to my sister's birthday party. As in any party friends and family were drinking (I do not drink alcohol). At some point my sister's husband came over to where I was sitting with the intention of asking me something, but because he was inebriated, he staggered and used my knee to steady himself. He finished what he was asking me and left. Now, that is a non-event to any rational human being. And it was to me.

Moments later I noticed my husband looking at me like I had strangled a puppy, so I walked over to him and asked what's the matter. He asked to walk a few paces and asked me why I was allowing my bro-in-law to have his hands all over me.

I was confused? What was he talking about? Then I was accused of denying anything had happened. Now, this non-event had happened in full view of everyone, including my sisters and other BIL (bro in law) and friends. By this time he was so angry that he was literally foaming in the mouth. I hate confrontation, I more so hate it with an audience. I was trying to keep him quiet cos people  were by now staring  so I asked him to come over to the back of the house so we can sort out this ridiculous notion. Back there he got even more angry because I refused to see his point of view. The more I acted nonchalant, the angrier he got. At one point he got so angry cos I persisted that only a crazy person would make a big deal out of what he thought he had observed that he voilently pushed me away saying if I didnt get away from him he was going to break my jaw. Note, I had tried to walk away from this argument but he kept following me.

That did it for me. I had thought I was dealing with an unreasonable drunk person but it turned out he was getting dangerous too. I asked him to leave and told him it was over and I wasn't staying married to someone who threatens physical harm to me when he doesn't get his way. I was so flabbergasted I didnt know whether to leave the party or call the police or what.

When he realised he'd messed up he followed me back to my sister's house begging and pleading. To keep the peace I decided to let it go but told him that when we got home I am taking my stuff and leaving him. When my family asked what was going on I said it was nothing cos it was too ridiculous to relate to anyone else.

Needless to say I am still here, although he spent days going back and forth between pleading with me not to leave him and claiming it was my fault that my BIL 'touched my knee'. To this day he still thinks he was in the right and I am the oblivious one. Thats the closest he's ever come to being physically violent with me but over the course of our marriage he has given me "that look" that says he is one step away from breaking my jaw.

He also gets angry at me when a man stares at me a little too long, like I am supposed to walk over to the guy and ask him to look away. Sometimes even the person isnt looking at me but at my general periphery. Gets angry at me when I dont react to a person bumping against me in the supermarket or on the street.

[tjay933]

wordage, i think i've already said this to you but welcome to the family 

sorry you are having such an awful time with your h. i know "the look" very well and what it means: "don't or i will . . ."

have you had a chance to check out the lessons? do you know what you are wanting to do if anything?

it is quite common for pwBPD to blame everything on the other person-usually the person they are closest to or their SO. doesn't matter when or who did it, somehow it is your fault in their eyes. it is part of the blame game they play-it is NOT your fault, you DON'T deserve it and you DIDN'T cause it. imo-everyone who has been remotely close to a pwBPD has had this happen to them, myself included, to one degree or another. i was blamed for his health, his happiness or lack thereof, his childhood(didn't know him then but somehow it was my fault), his falling/tripping, anything. in their eyes, it has to be someones fault for how they feel. feelings = facts. since they can't conceive that they did anything wrong(it would blow them to pieces to actually admit there was something wrong with them), then it must be someone else's fault and they pick you. they have so much self-hatred, it spills out on everyone close to them. as you become more familiar with the condition, it will become much clearer why he acts the way he does.

also, when they start "up the volcano" as i think of it, there is nothing you can do or say that is right. you're danged if you do and danged if you don't. that's where the lessons come in. they can teach you about JADE and how to respond/or not to/when to take a time out when they start "up the volcano".

know that you are not alone. we are here for you and we've been there. let us know what's on your mind or what we can do to help.

above all, stay safe. 

[felix22]

I'm guessing; it sounds like this is a symptom of something bigger. Perhaps, unexplainable feelings of not wanting to be married to this man.

The situation which caused the fight is certainly infuriating for you, I would imagine.

However, as an isolated incident, as you say, it is a non-event. Which is why I guess that maybe your reaction is a symptom of something bigger.

Perhaps, if you want to salvage this relationship, requiring him to attend an anger management class; or something along those lines, would help your relationship survive. At the same time, I would take a look at your own anger reactions. Are you being aggressive verbally, or otherwise?

Jealousy is a very normal reaction in a relationship. He needs to deal with it, maybe through counseling, or working with you on it. Perhaps you could set some sort of boundary as to what you will/will not tolerate from his jealous behavior. Does the simple fact that he becomes jealous, diminish his value to you? If so, maybe you should take a look at your own weaknesses a little closer. We all have our faults.

If you are using his behaviors as an excuse to bail from your marriage, I would see a counselor to talk about it. I think you need to take a good look at yourself and see what's motivating your willingness to abandon everything. You certainly have every right to leave your relationship; we all do. I just think you would feel better about doing it, if you were totally honest with yourself as to your reasons why.