Nightmare trip with BF living with BPD - Need Support

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

[Sorry - originally posted this on [L5] Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner - meant to post this here]

So happy to have found a forum for relationships BPD. Would be great to have some advice from anyone who has the time.

I'm a 26 y/o male "non" who has been in a relationship for 1 year with my 33/yr old male boyfriend who is living with BPD. In the past he has suffered from depression and anxiety and has been a harm to himself in the past. He does not take medication nor has he agreed to seek therapy.

Our relationship was/is most part happy. He was always very loving and accommodating. Always generous and fun, and I had never met anyone like him. I was convinced he was the man I was going to spend my life with. I've since read about idealization and devaluation and starting to wonder if it was all an illusion.

There were many times when he had depressive episodes and he'd say mean things to me or text me angrily. In that case, he had warned me prior to just not reply and let him get sleep. I noticed that when he lacked sleep he tended to be moody and disgruntled. Any time he'd get mad, he'd just sleep it away and come back to me. I've since read about push-pull relationships and attack/withdraw and this seemed to be emblematic of our disagreements. He'd always get mad and withdraw. Or he'd point to something wrong with me and withdraw. But I'd do my best and give him his space and he'd come back.

After our first year together, we decided to go on a month long trip and it was quite a ride. I think constant interaction with me 24/7 was very difficult for his mental health. He started to get annoyed at me for mundane issues like how I chewed my food, or walking too fast. He would behave increasingly irrational like cutting off a huge chunk of his hair, or yelling at me in public or going to gay bathhouses to have unprotected sex with strangers. He began to disappear more frequently - I was used to it since back home he would just need space for a day or two and not be around me. On this trip it became lonely so I went out and sought other friends. On one particular day that I gave him space, he ran into me and a male friend I had made at a popular westerner's hangout. He ran in the other direction and went back to our hotel room. He began to send texts accusing me of having sex with the male friend and saying that all I do is anger him because "I'm so perfect all the time". He told me not to come back to the hotel room. I made the mistake of coming back to our room. He began yelling at me to leave and said he was deleting all our pictures off of facebook. I had to check into a different hotel and he still texted me with angry rants saying things like "it's no wonder your ex hit you - you enrage everyone" and "I hope you choke and die in your sleep" and "I care never to see you again".

After a few days apart, he calmed down and reached out to me. He said he can't be in a relationship because of all the stress and anxiety it brings him. He said that we should continue our trip and work towards being friends. This was a mistake as on our next destination we met up with his two siblings - one brother and one sister. I tried to spend time with his siblings to give him his space and alone time to recover. However, on one particular day where we all hung out together, he appeared particularly moody. His mood worsened throughout the day and he would continually lash out at me with mean comments. I made the mistake of asking him how he was. He yelled at me and told me "stop annoying me". I said I didn't do anything. He said "you were born." I figured he was moody so I started walking with his sister. He grabbed me and said "don't walk with her and don't talk to her" I told him to get off of me and ran to his brother. He followed and grabbed me by the arm saying "you're done. Get out of here. Leave!" His brother pulled him off of me and separated us. Back at the hotel, he kicked me out again and I spent the rest of the vacation with his siblings. He texted me to never contact him again.

The next day he texted his siblings that he was not a part of their family anymore because they constantly pick me over him (I had gone to them for support in the past). This obviously upset his siblings despite the fact they had dealt with his outbursts and self-harm issues in the past. Given his history of self-harm, we were worried when he stayed in his hotel room and didn't come out - although he was in constant contact with some of his friends via text. We were worried that he might be a harm to himself. We went to dinner, and we received texts that he had made his way to the airport and that he didn't know when he would be back and needed time away from everyone. However, he absconded with 5K of his brother's money.

After a few days, he has since calmed down and headed back to the city we are all staying in and promised to return the cash he took from his brother. He stayed a few days in his own separate hotel room, and we all flew back home together without incident. I'm not sure what to expect or how to deal with him now that we are back home.

He has told me that this is not like our previous breaks and that he can't make his feelings of annoyance and irritation go away. I'm so heartbroken over everything and how this has unfolded. He loved me so much and now he just hates me all the time and can't control it. I realize this is his condition and he can't control his perceptions or moods. I guess I have to move on but I still love him and I worry for him everyday. Not sure how to move on, or what comes next.

Sorry this is so long! Thanks for reading.

[btss2015]

Hi all,

[Sorry - originally posted this on [L5] Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner - meant to post this here]

So happy to have found a forum for relationships BPD. Would be great to have some advice from anyone who has the time.

I'm a 26 y/o male "non" who has been in a relationship for 1 year with my 33/yr old male boyfriend who is living with BPD. In the past he has suffered from depression and anxiety and has been a harm to himself in the past. He does not take medication nor has he agreed to seek therapy.

Our relationship was/is most part happy. He was always very loving and accommodating. Always generous and fun, and I had never met anyone like him. I was convinced he was the man I was going to spend my life with. I've since read about idealization and devaluation and starting to wonder if it was all an illusion.

There were many times when he had depressive episodes and he'd say mean things to me or text me angrily. In that case, he had warned me prior to just not reply and let him get sleep. I noticed that when he lacked sleep he tended to be moody and disgruntled. Any time he'd get mad, he'd just sleep it away and come back to me. I've since read about push-pull relationships and attack/withdraw and this seemed to be emblematic of our disagreements. He'd always get mad and withdraw. Or he'd point to something wrong with me and withdraw. But I'd do my best and give him his space and he'd come back.

After our first year together, we decided to go on a month long trip and it was quite a ride. I think constant interaction with me 24/7 was very difficult for his mental health. He started to get annoyed at me for mundane issues like how I chewed my food, or walking too fast. He would behave increasingly irrational like cutting off a huge chunk of his hair, or yelling at me in public or going to gay bathhouses to have unprotected sex with strangers. He began to disappear more frequently - I was used to it since back home he would just need space for a day or two and not be around me. On this trip it became lonely so I went out and sought other friends. On one particular day that I gave him space, he ran into me and a male friend I had made at a popular westerner's hangout. He ran in the other direction and went back to our hotel room. He began to send texts accusing me of having sex with the male friend and saying that all I do is anger him because "I'm so perfect all the time". He told me not to come back to the hotel room. I made the mistake of coming back to our room. He began yelling at me to leave and said he was deleting all our pictures off of facebook. I had to check into a different hotel and he still texted me with angry rants saying things like "it's no wonder your ex hit you - you enrage everyone" and "I hope you choke and die in your sleep" and "I care never to see you again".

After a few days apart, he calmed down and reached out to me. He said he can't be in a relationship because of all the stress and anxiety it brings him. He said that we should continue our trip and work towards being friends. This was a mistake as on our next destination we met up with his two siblings - one brother and one sister. I tried to spend time with his siblings to give him his space and alone time to recover. However, on one particular day where we all hung out together, he appeared particularly moody. His mood worsened throughout the day and he would continually lash out at me with mean comments. I made the mistake of asking him how he was. He yelled at me and told me "stop annoying me". I said I didn't do anything. He said "you were born." I figured he was moody so I started walking with his sister. He grabbed me and said "don't walk with her and don't talk to her" I told him to get off of me and ran to his brother. He followed and grabbed me by the arm saying "you're done. Get out of here. Leave!" His brother pulled him off of me and separated us. Back at the hotel, he kicked me out again and I spent the rest of the vacation with his siblings. He texted me to never contact him again.

The next day he texted his siblings that he was not a part of their family anymore because they constantly pick me over him (I had gone to them for support in the past). This obviously upset his siblings despite the fact they had dealt with his outbursts and self-harm issues in the past. Given his history of self-harm, we were worried when he stayed in his hotel room and didn't come out - although he was in constant contact with some of his friends via text. We were worried that he might be a harm to himself. We went to dinner, and we received texts that he had made his way to the airport and that he didn't know when he would be back and needed time away from everyone. However, he absconded with 5K of his brother's money.

After a few days, he has since calmed down and headed back to the city we are all staying in and promised to return the cash he took from his brother. He stayed a few days in his own separate hotel room, and we all flew back home together without incident. I'm not sure what to expect or how to deal with him now that we are back home.

He has told me that this is not like our previous breaks and that he can't make his feelings of annoyance and irritation go away. I'm so heartbroken over everything and how this has unfolded. He loved me so much and now he just hates me all the time and can't control it. I realize this is his condition and he can't control his perceptions or moods. I guess I have to move on but I still love him and I worry for him everyday. Not sure how to move on, or what comes next.

Sorry this is so long! Thanks for reading.

[123Phoebe]

Hi btss2015   Welcome to the forum.

Aw wow, sounds like quite a trip you went on; sorry you endured all of that stuff.  Has he contacted you since you've been back home?   

[Loosestrife]

Did his siblings give any background?

[btss2015]

Hi btss2015   Welcome to the forum.

Aw wow, sounds like quite a trip you went on; sorry you endured all of that stuff.  Has he contacted you since you've been back home?   

I wrote him a letter basically saying we can't continue on like this especially when he cannot control his behaviors but that I am willing to do everything I can to help him if he wants it.

He replied via text saying I was an "elitist" for thinking that he could/should change, that he knows what "works" in his life, and that I dont "work at all in his life". He also said he was suffocated and annoyed by me and that I needed to go. He also said that my existence offends him and that he wishes disaster upon me.

Again I'm not sure what it's like to live with BPD. I really tried to give him space. I feel bad that the letter came across as condescending but I needed to offer one last chance. I think the abusive words are too much now and no contact seems like the best option. It's just hard and heartbreaking.

[Mutt]

Hi btss2015,



So sorry your going through this

The text is all bad and devaluating.

A pwBPD see the world and people as all good or all bad and have difficulties seeing the grey areas in life.

No contact is a good option.

[stntylr]

I went on a trip a couple of months ago with my ex. That's when she started to devalue me. It was quite a shock for this person who had acted like I was the greatest thing since peanut butter and jelly to start to tear into me over little things like my cellphone was too bright. Eventually the trip becaame a real nightmare with some really mean things being said to me. For the next couple of weeks she would go back and forth on whether she could stand me or not then finally she painted me black and that was it.