I feel like I'm losing my mind.

[slina27]

For years I have been looking for answers. I have always felt like something was seriously wrong with me. I tried medications, therapy, working out... .Some would work for a while, but eventually I would find myself back to this place where I question my sanity.

I am a 24 year old female, living with my father who I believe has BPD. I have searched for years for answers on what the problem was, because I wanted to fix it. I even majored in Psychology simply hoping to find the answers for fixing what was wrong with me. I finally figured out that I'm not the problem. I finally understand why I'm so anxious, why I allow myself to go without friends and family, why I have such a low self esteem. I am living with my father because I am going through college and a single mom. He insisted on me staying home and getting through school, but I'm realizing my son is being effected now too. My son is three, and I think because of the fact that I'm so mentally fried and scared and screwed up, that my mothering abilities are not what they need to be. My son is in no way going without basic needs, but I have no energy to give him the structure he needs. Because of this, my son is behind and showing signs of being out of control. My father won't allow me even time to eat or do school work sometimes. He kept me up till 3am last night screwing with my mind when I stood up for myself. He refuses to admit he's in the wrong. I point out things like how he has no friends or family anymore, how he hates everyone for small things, and how he only allows me to do things he's okay with. His actual words are often "If you just do everything I say, we will never fight!" I want to leave, and I even told him that I am willing to give up my car (he pays for). He goes from trying to convince my to stay to rage for me saying no in minutes. I feel so emotionally screwed up, I don't know how I can even get out. I'm scared that I can't be the mom I want to be until I get help. I don't know where to turn to. Nobody believes the stories, they think Im being dramatic. Im losing hope.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi slina,

Sounds like you are trying hard and very interested in your son having a healthy development.  It is difficult when we feel that we have little options, the people we are supposed to trust and support us are not, and our efforts seem to need to be double than what they should because of our circumstances.

I wish that your father could understand your frustrations and support you in your goals emotionally, the way we all want our parents to. Unfortunately, from what you describe, this has not been the case since childhood and he is resistant today.

It sounds like you deeply care to have the best r/s you can with your dad and your son.

Look around this site if you haven't.  Read the tools and info on links off to the sides.

(I wish I could tell you specific tools, but I haven't learned them all myself). Hopefully you can find some tools that can help deescalate things between you and your dad.

[Turkish]

I'm sorry that you're going through this, slina27. It sounds like he's still treating you like a little child, with the BPD behaviors on top of that. You must feel trapped between him and providing mothering to your son.

His actual words are often "If you just do everything I say, we will never fight!"

This sounds similar to something my Ex said early on: "you know what pisses me off, so just don't do it!" It could have been anything, even using the time setting on the dryer rather than the auto-dry... .on my own laundry.

My mother is dBPD, but I was able to flee a long time ago. You're living with him for the time being, and it sounds like he's playing for full control of your life, as if providing for you means in his mind that you are a possession rather than a real person with needs who is trying to get on her feet and raise a little boy.  Speaking of your son, are his controlling behaviors exhibited towards his grandson?

Like Sunfl0wer said, there is a lot of material here that can help you. A good start might be Lesson 1 (from the lessons at the top of the board):

Taking Steps to Immediately Improve Safety and Reduce Conflict

It can take you through analyzing your situation to see if you are safe, and then stepping back and learning about the unhealthy conflict that a pwBPD (person with BPD) can ensnare us into. There are specific communication tools which can help reduce conflict. It's a lot of material, so take it as you go and please ask any questions here on the board. We are here to help support you, slina.

Take Care,

Turkish